Seeing White

by Charlotte E Hart

  Okay, maybe he’s not going to dump me, but I have no idea what he’s thinking. I sigh and look back at him, trying to process my feelings.

  “I look sad because you look sad, Alex. You’re a puzzle to me. One minute you are happy, the next you’re angry. Then you’re sad and then you’re playful again.” I smile quietly, watching as his frown deepens. “I get lost in how I’m supposed to react to your moods. Couple that with you not phoning me and well... I’m just a bit lost in general,” is my rambling reply as twiddle my fingers.

  He looks thoughtfully at me for a moment before resuming his stare out of the window. I just continue to stare at his face, searching for anything to tell me how he’s feeling, but his face is impassive and distant again, like his business mask has dropped into place and he won’t let me see through it.

  “Alex, you have to let me in if we’re going to go anywhere from this point. I won’t be treated like a fool who waits until they’re called as and when you decide it’s appropriate. I’m sorry. I just can’t be in a relationship like that,” I state calmly and quietly, leaning back into my seat and waiting for his response. “It’s not enough for me.”

  “I know,” he replies, still looking through the glass. “I’m just not sure if I can give you all you’ll need though, and I don’t want to see you hurt, Elizabeth. You’re too wonderful to spoil.” He sighs again and brings his eyes back to mine. “The thought of indulging you with my fucked up life is not something I’m feeling very positive about.”

  “Well, I guess you’re going to have to try and convince me to entertain your rather fucked up life, as you call it, with an open mind and some faith,” I reply.

  “Faith?” He rolls the word around as if trying it out for size. “I don’t think I’ve ever relied on faith in my life. It’s not a very safe bet, is it?” He smiles as his head drops a little, such a hopeless smile it makes me want to hold him tight and never let go for some reason.

  “No, it’s not. So this is your chance to walk, Alex. I don’t mind. I’m a big girl and we’ve had a wonderful time and-”

  “What?” he snaps incredulously, cutting me off mid-sentence as his eyes shoot to mine. “Please, Elizabeth, no. I won’t lose you. I’ve just fucking found you. I just don’t know how to be the man you need. There are things you don’t know and I’m just... I’m just fucked up.” He lowers his eyes to the coffee table, frowning.

  I take a few moments to study his face again and suddenly realise that he’s as confused as I am by something. His arrogance and self-belief seem to have vanished in the last few minutes.

  “Are you angry with yourself, Alex?” I ask tentatively, because I know I haven’t done anything wrong.

  “Yes, extremely, amongst other things,” he mumbles, more to himself than to me.

  “Why?” I ask, genuinely confused.

  “Jesus Christ, you just don’t get it, do you? All this you see, it’s not really me - the pretty face and the money. I’m just empty beneath this. You have no idea what I am.” He rakes his hand through his hair and growls, mostly at himself, I think. “You’re a ray of light in a very cold and dark world, Elizabeth.” He looks uncertain. It’s uncharacteristic and slightly odd. “I’m an utter bastard to ask you to be with me simply because you deserve better than this, than me.”

  I lean back into my seat and stare at him as he exhales. Oh, right. Well that’s inspirational, beautiful and desolate, what a great combination. I so want him.

  “Well, that’s good enough for me. If you can see it yourself then there’s at least some hope,” I reply, smiling and trying to ease the tension, his and mine. Well I hope there’s hope anyway.

  “Really? You don’t think you’re wasting your time?”

  I honestly have no idea why on earth a man like this could think that of himself? Not only is he an Adonis but he owns a huge company and seems to be everything a woman could want in a man. Who would think he wasn’t worthy of a chance? The fact that he happens to be funny, charming and incredibly fantastic in bed are all completely irrelevant, obviously.

  “Alex, how could you be a waste of my time? You have my emotions in your hands. My feelings are what lead me, and you may be a lot of things, Mr. White, but I doubt anyone will ever see you as a waste of their time.” I continue with the smiling, trying to lighten his mood a little. “Please don’t doubt yourself. From what I know, you appear to be a good man and funnily enough, I appear quite like you.”

  “You have no idea who I am, Elizabeth,” he says with a distant gaze, almost as if he’s ignoring every word that’s left my lips and is still intent on self-loathing or something.

  “Then let me know who you are. Show me,” I reply, hoping to hell that this isn’t the end of something completely wonderful.

  He stares at me for a time, not saying anything, his face resuming his expressionless gaze, but I can see barely there flickers of something crossing his eyes. Brows furrowed and releasing as if he’s churning his mind through some kind of emotional battle. The corners of his beautiful mouth lift eventually and he smiles a lazy grin at me. Then, tapping his fingers on the table, he crosses his legs, leans back and brushes an imaginary piece of fluff off his jacket.

  “I won’t be easy, Elizabeth. Do you want to try enough to stay with me through the ride?” he asks, raising that damned eyebrow.

  I simply stare and wonder. Can I keep up with him? Maybe he’s right. This obscenely gorgeous and wealthy man is about to turn my world upside down and inside out. He’s already admitted himself that he’ll probably mess it up and that he doesn’t want to hurt me. It isn’t a great start, is it? I look down to my coffee, partly in despair, and then notice my watch.

  “Oh shitting hell, is that the time?” I jump up and bang into the table, knocking over my coffee and literally throwing it towards Alex, again.

  “What is it with you and throwing food all over me?” he says, rising and grabbing at a napkin, chuckling to himself. God, why is he always laughing at me?

  “I’m so sorry. I have to go. James will be at the shop now and I have to meet him to tell him about the starter and… I’m sorry. I’m rambling again,” I mumble to the floor.

  Reaching for my hand, he pulls me toward the exit and as we hit the street, his smile floors me.

  “I love your rambling. It makes me smile,” he says, scanning the street. “Do you realise how rare that is?”

  “Not really, no. You seem to do it a lot when you’re with me,” I reply with valid confusion.

  “Exactly my point, Miss Scott. Exactly my point,” he counters, continuing his beam.

  We pick up the pace and we’re back at the shop in no time at all. As always, he opens the door and places his hand on my lower back to usher me through, then spins me round to face him and lifts my chin to meet his gaze.

  “Thank you for forgiving me. You don’t know what it means to me.”

  “You’re welcome. I may not be so merciful if it happens again though, Mr. White.”

  He gazes down on me with a slightly bewildered expression and brushes his thumb along my throat, briefly glancing down at my neck and then returning his eyes to mine. And there we stay for minutes, just looking at each other.

  Eventually he sighs and looks towards the door.

  “I have to go to Rome in the morning for a few days. I promise I’ll call you as soon as I land.”

  “Okay,” is all I can manage. Frankly, that one brush of his finger across my throat was enough to begin the leg trembling, let alone the continued stare heating me up all over again.

  “Perhaps you could come and stay with me for a few days when I get back and we could catch up on some wasted time?” he asks in that way that assumes it’s a foregone conclusion that I will anyway. He’s right, to be fair.

  “That would be lovely. I’ll look forward to it,” I reply rather shyly, thinking of all the things that the statement entails. His fingers find my face again as he softly kisses me, and I instantly melt under his touch as always
seems to be the case, utterly losing myself in the moment.

  All too soon he’s backing away and opening the door.

  “There you are, Beth. What is it you want me to do with this mousse?” James asks, sauntering into the shop front and looking all chef-like in his whites. Alex’s head shoots round, a frown descending at James as he leans in to kiss me on the cheek.

  “Hi, James. Just give me a minute, will you? I’ll meet you in the back in five,” I reply as I continue to look at Alex, trying to weigh up what’s happening in his head. He’s now moving back towards me possessively, as if staking a claim or something, and looking James over. James, to his credit, remains still and returns the glare with a determined sneer creeping across his normally casual face. It’s actually quite impressive for such a laid back guy.

  “Okay, do you need any help here?” James asks, continuing with his unmoving presence, seemingly growing a few inches in height and obviously feeling the irritation coming off Alex in waves.

  “Why would she need any help, James?” Alex questions in that try it if you dare voice of his I remember from the conference room. He raises a brow and moves closer to me, his body is at full height and now growing too. I hadn’t realised that men actually grow during battle. It’s interesting. My eyes flick to James’. It’s like a bloody tennis match.

  “Well there’s an overbearing arsehole growling all over her. I wasn’t sure if she really wanted it or not,” James responds, stepping toward him to block his advance. I almost giggle at his retort but Alex responds in kind by moving passed him to get in front of me and growing, again. I look between the two of them for a moment, realising what’s happening and where it could be leading.

  Okay, calm down, boys.

  “The growling arsehole is becoming pissed off with the little moron who’s making a fucking stupid mistake,” Alex sneers. “Back off now, before I make you.”

  He’s actually looking really quite scary now, dark somehow, as if he’s another man or something. My mind reels with all sorts of very confusing sexual imagery at his new persona as I watch James deflate a little at the potential danger in front of him. Oh, for God’s sake.

  Moving toward Alex, I wrap my arm around his waist and attempt to pull him back with a warm smile directed at James. The wall of muscle beneath my hands doesn’t move in the slightest.

  “No, no help needed, James, thanks. We were just saying goodbye,” I say with another smile. “I’ll see you in the kitchen in a minute.”

  I really feel like giggling at the two of them parading like animals but I quickly reign it in. It’s probably best not to and given my current core clenching I’m not even sure I could find a giggle if I tried.

  James nods and sulkily walks off through the hatch to the kitchen. He can’t help but give Alex a scathing look on the way though.

  “He wants you,” Alex says as he pulls me to him, watching his retreating enemy with narrowed eyes as James disappears around the corner. I smile to myself.

  “Does he?” I reply, looking up at him and pressing my lips to his. His body is rigid. It’s very appealing and reminds me yet again of all his potentially aggressive preferences. “Well I want you so it really doesn’t matter, does it?”

  “Of course it fucking matters. The little shit just pissed me off,” he almost grunts in response.

  “James is a good friend and an excellent chef. You’ve got nothing to worry about, so stop getting all grumpy,” I say, patting his chest. His face softens slightly as he lifts my chin and kisses me again.

  “He still wants you. I don’t like it.” He sneers again quietly, looking over my shoulder.

  “Mmm,” is my response. It really won’t do any harm for him to think there might be some competition. Clearly there isn’t any at all, but he doesn’t know that.

  “I have to go,” he mumbles as he strokes my hair and kisses the top of my head, letting me go to walk to the door again. And then he just stands in the doorway with his back to me, one hand in his pocket and the other on the door frame. I look at him for a moment as he hangs his head and shakes it from side to side.

  “Alex, are you okay?” I ask quizzically.

  Tapping his fingers on the frame, I hear him inhale and then turn back to look at me. His breathing is suddenly heavy and his head’s slightly lowered. It makes me take a step forward, considering what’s wrong.

  “Will you come with me? I want you with me.” His eyes blaze as he slowly looks up and shakily blows out a breath.

  “What are you talking about now?” I quirk my head to the side and giggle a bit. “I don’t understand what you mean.”

  “To Rome, in the morning. I want you to come with me,” he asks again. I hesitate, my mouth opening and closing at the thought. I can’t go to Rome at the drop of a hat. I have things to do here, like working for a living.

  “Umm, Alex, I don’t think I-”

  My sister rudely cuts me off as she saunters into the shop from the back door. “Of course she will go. She’s always wanted to go to Rome and the break will do her good. It’s not like anything’s going on here that we can’t deal with.” She smiles at me.

  “Belle, I can’t just go-”

  She cuts me off again. “I won’t hear another word. You will do as you’re told, young lady,” she bites as she shakes her finger at me.

  “You sound like mum, you know?” I grin stupidly at her.

  “Fuck off. I do not.” She stares at Alex with venomous eyes.

  “One more time, Mr. White, and I swear I will cut your balls off and nail them to the lion enclosure at the zoo. I am not fucking happy with you at all and you’d better be careful.” She flicks her gaze between me and him, a smile coming again. “However, she’s happy again and I’m sure you have something to do with it so you are just about forgiven.”

  “Thank you, Belle, and I have been told.” He bows his head and takes a step backward in an old-fashioned gesture of politeness and compliance then turns back toward me. She snorts in derision.

  “Believe me, you will not charm your way out of the next fuck up you make. I don’t give a shit how much you’re worth to our business,” Belle snarls at him.

  His whole demeanour instantly changes for the worse and I watch him quietly fume, as every fibre of his body seems to increase in size again. His eyes deaden in a heartbeat as he narrows them at her and I stare back at her with absolute astonishment. I can’t believe she just put that out there. What the hell was she thinking? I turn back to Alex, hoping he’ll control himself. Given the argument with James, he’s already irritated enough and the thought of explosions between him and Belle is not something I relish. His stance seems charged and there’s no hiding the brutal intent showing behind those rather cool looking eyes, as he looks her over in disgust. I’m not entirely sure I’m happy about it and feel myself tense beside him, not knowing where to put myself in the middle of this.

  “I’ll excuse your extreme outburst just once because of the current situation, and, Belle, you will never lose business from me because of my mistakes, but you may because of your own lack of respect, so be careful with your tone.” He stares at her with an unfamiliar expression, something akin to a murderers eyes. “I’m not overly happy about it and will only be pushed so far.”

  He waits until she lowers her head before nodding. Apparently he’s now happy with her acknowledgment of his authority. I’m not sure I’m happy about any of it, but knowing my sister as I do, she’s played him beautifully. She’s gained everything she needs from the moment and also knew just when to quit while she was ahead. He didn’t even notice her sneakery. I seriously need to take some lessons from her.

  He turns to me and his eyes soften. “You’re lucky I’m so besotted with your sister. She’s just too perfect for me to be truly angry at the moment. But please don’t think that I can’t see you smiling, Belle. You didn’t win your little game in the slightest.” Oh, he did notice then. “I’ll pick you up at five thirty in the morning, Elizabeth. We�
��ll be gone for three days so I’ll have you home for Monday afternoon. Is that okay?” He asks, reaching for my hand. I swear my heart flips over in response.

  “Yes. That sounds wonderful and I’m very excited,” I reply, smiling my brightest smile.

  “Good. I’m glad you’re coming, too. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  Kissing my hand, he lets go and winks at me, then whistles his way out of the front door, lifting his phone to his ear. Talk about being swept off my feet… Rome. Shit, I haven’t got a thing to wear. I swing my eyes to Belle and then back to the door, following his frame as he walks away. Her wardrobe is going to be seriously raided tonight.

  “I think I was just put in my place,” Belle says casually, not giving a shit.

  “Yes, I think you were,” I reply as I walk up to the door and peer down the street in search of him, butterflies still fluttering around in my stomach.

  “Are you falling in love with him?” she questions softly as she watches me looking at the door. I turn from the window and wander back toward the back room.

  “Who wouldn’t fall in love with him?” I reply as I shrug into my coat and think about Rome. I’m going to Rome in the morning.

  “That’s not what I asked.”

  “I know. What do you want me to say? That I’m head over heels?” She shakes her head and grabs her jacket and bag.

  “Be careful, baby sister. That’s a whole lot of trouble waiting to be had that you’ve found for yourself.”

  “I know,” I reply as we walk out the door. It’s true. Much as I want him, he’s told me himself and I’m not stupid. I can only hope that he means everything that’s been leaving his very appealing lips, because I’m so close to being very much in love that it scares the living hell out of me.

  Chapter 16

  Evelyn Peters

  E vie Peters stared up at the mass of glass and steel in front of her. The building was incredibly modern and screamed London at her with all the exuberance of the man inside. She’d moved down to London from Nottingham last week and had somehow managed to get herself settled into her new apartment in record time. Mind you, it helped that the enormous salary she was about to receive every month meant that she could pay for removers and un-packers. She’d found a fantastic apartment close to her new job, which meant she could walk to work each day and she’d been extremely happy to find out that she could afford the rent in such a desirable area all by herself.