Who Let the Gods Out?

by Maz Evans

  The Beefeater’s pike quivered.

  “Janet,” she whimpered.

  “Janet!” sang Zeus, searching desperately for lyrical inspiration. “Janet … Janet … you … have … a … bum like a planet … ”

  “What?” snapped Janet, returning her pike to Zeus’s throat.

  “Janet! If you don’t love me—skewer me now!” Zeus exclaimed, pushing the pike away gently with his palm. “I have already been struck by Cupid’s arrow—another wound can’t hurt me … ”

  As Zeus’s words fought Hypnos’s spell, Janet lowered her pike.

  “Do you like cats?” she asked shakily.

  “Like them!” roared Zeus. “Only one thing pains me more than the thought of a kitty without a warm lap. Do you know what I fear, Janet? Do you know what agony tears my soul apart? Do you know the one torture I cannot bear?”

  “Musical theater?” Janet ventured.

  “My life without you!” boomed Zeus, sitting bolt upright and clutching his lower spine. “Tell me you feel it! Tell me you sense this connection between us! Tell me how many cats you have!”

  “SIXTEEN!” shrieked Janet, flinging off her Beefeater hat to reveal an astonishing case of hat hair. “Come here, handsome!”

  Zeus gasped as Janet lunged and bent him backward for a spectacular make-out session.

  “Euuuuurgh! Gross!” heaved Elliot.

  “That large a saliva exchange cannot be hygienic,” whispered Virgo with her head cocked.

  Elliot turned away to see the crown being loaded into the middle of the three trucks.

  “Gotcha!” he said out loud.

  “And I’ve got you!” screeched Hypnos, suddenly appearing in front of them in midair and grabbing at them. The shock made Elliot drop the trumpet, which became visible again the moment it left his hands.

  Hypnos swooped and caught his trumpet, bringing it straight to his mouth and sending a great black blast toward Pegasus. The flying horse elegantly swerved in the air, missing the smoke. Hypnos tried again, but he was still unable to see his invisible enemy. Pegasus dodged the blast again.

  “Well played!” said Hypnos as the rumble of engines started up below. “But I’ll get you in the next round. I’m due at another game … ”

  Hypnos dissembled back into the raven and flew over the high Tower walls.

  “No!” cried Elliot. “The crown’s leaving!”

  Elliot and Virgo watched in horror as the three trucks rumbled slowly across the cobblestones and out of the Tower in a row.

  “Which truck is it in?” said Virgo.

  “It was the middle one,” said Elliot.

  “Which one’s the middle one?” said Virgo.

  “I don’t know,” shouted Elliot as the three identical trucks rolled down the hill.

  “Quick,” said Virgo. “Let’s get the others.”

  They looked around the green to where Hermes was yelping like a wounded kitten, Athene was being marched into the gift shop with a pike at her back, Aphrodite was jammed between Steve, Jim, and a caravan catalog, and Zeus was in a headlock looking at cat selfies.

  “No time!” said Elliot, grabbing Hermes’s bag and jumping back on Pegasus. “We have to get to Buckingham Palace before Hypnos. Pegasus—take us to the Queen!”

  Under the cover of the invisibility helmet, Pegasus flew above the security trucks all the way to Buckingham Palace. Riding on the horse’s back, Elliot and Virgo looked out for Hypnos in case he tried to attack again, but there was no sign of the Daemon anywhere. Thirty minutes later, they were peering through the windows of the Queen’s London home. It was quite a view—they could see a maid pocketing some of the silver cutlery she was supposed to be polishing in the kitchen, and a footman trying on the Queen’s dresses in the robing room.

  They found Queen Elizabeth II in her private parlor around the back of the palace. Dressed in an elegant white gown with a purple sash draped from her right shoulder to her left hip, the Queen was reading the newspaper and slicing a crumpet with the Sword of State. The Imperial Crown sparkled brilliantly on top of her regal head. Elliot looked at the beautiful Earth Stone shimmering in the center. The answer to all his problems. It was so close. Which meant Hypnos must be too.

  “What do we do now?” asked Virgo. “Shall we smash through the window?”

  “I think we’d better knock,” said Elliot, unsure of the correct protocol for approaching the Queen of Great Britain on a flying horse. With Pegasus hovering steadily outside the window, Elliot leaned over and tapped as politely as he could manage on the glass.

  The Queen looked straight at Elliot and Virgo, but returned to her paper.

  “We’ve just been blanked by the Queen,” said Elliot indignantly. “And to think my nan had a mug with her picture on it.”

  “That invisibility helmet suits you,” said Virgo with a sigh. “It matches your invisible brain.”

  Elliot snatched off the helmet, making sure that Virgo received a good nudge in the ribs, took a deep breath, and knocked once more.

  The Queen looked up again. If she was startled to see two children on a flying horse outside her window, she had the good manners not to show it. Elliot smiled politely and Virgo gave her an enthusiastic wave, which the Queen courteously returned with an elegant swivel of her wrist. Not taking her eyes from the window, she slowly removed her glasses and put her newspaper down on the golden tea table in front of her. She walked over to the window and opened it.

  “Good morning,” she said calmly to her visitors. “May I help you?”

  “Er—good morning, Your Majesty,” said Elliot, attempting a clumsy bow on Pegasus’s back. “Can we come in, please? We have something really important to ask you.”

  “I see,” said the Queen. “To whom does one have the pleasure of speaking?”

  “One is … whom are … am a … I’m Elliot,” he said, quickly abandoning any attempt at talking poshly. “Elliot Hooper. And this is Virgo. She’s an immortal.”

  “Hello, the Queen,” chirped Virgo with a big grin.

  “How do you do?” said the Queen. “You’d better come in.”

  As Her Majesty helped Elliot and Virgo to dismount from Pegasus and clamber through the window, Elliot became aware of an insistent snorting behind him.

  “And this is Pegasus,” said Elliot as he landed on the soft carpet of the Queen’s parlor. “He’s a flying horse,” he added, quickly realizing that the Queen had probably worked that out for herself.

  “Your Majesty,” said Pegasus grandly, dropping into an elegant bow.

  “Welcome, Mr. Pegasus,” said the Queen, acknowledging his bow with a gracious nod of her head. “I can honestly say that you are the most magnificent horse I have ever seen.”

  “I can honestly say that you are correct,” said Pegasus, sweeping into another bow as Elliot leaned out of the window and put the invisibility helmet over his white head to conceal him from view.

  Elliot and Virgo fidgeted awkwardly in the middle of the parlor as the Queen closed the window and turned to greet her visitors.

  “May I offer you some tea and crumpets?” she asked.

  “No, thank you, we don’t have much time—” started Virgo.

  “Oh, yeah,” belted Elliot, whose stomach had been rumbling since the Tower. “With some peanut butter. If … you … have … some … please … Your Majesty,” he trailed off, as a subzero look from Virgo reminded him that this wasn’t really the time.

  “I’ll see what I can do, Mr. Hooper.” The Queen smiled, her eyes sparkling as she rang a small silver bell on the table. She sat back down in her chair, neatly repositioned her flowing white gown, and straightened the purple sash across her right shoulder.

  “Now,” she said, folding her hands in her lap. “What can I do for you?”

  “Right,” Elliot began slowly. “There’s no easy way to say this, so I’m going to get straight to the point. That crown you’re wearing contains a diamond that’s really a Chaos Stone and has the power to contr
ol the Earth. It’s that one, there.”

  Elliot reached out and pointed at the stone, his fingers tantalizingly close to his home’s salvation.

  “We need to take it so that a Death Daemon called Thanatos can’t get his hands on it—nor the other three Chaos Stones, which we’re also trying to find—and release his Daemon army and attack mortals and immortals with earthquakes and floods and fires and plagues and other really bad stuff.” He sighed at the lunacy of his own tale. “You think I’m insane and you’re going to lock me up in the Tower of London, aren’t you?”

  The Queen calmly took a sip of her tea and stared intently at the young boy before her.

  “Your tale is incredible indeed, Mr. Hooper,” she said evenly. “But you’d be surprised what one might believe from two children who have arrived on a flying horse. And for the record, I prefer to lock people up in Windsor Castle these days,” she added with a twinkle. “The heating’s rather better.”

  She picked up the small silver bell and rang it again.

  “I can’t think what’s taking Jeffers so long. He’s normally so prompt,” she said, looking at the white double doors. Elliot wondered if Jeffers was the man they had seen in the robing room, who was probably struggling to undo the zipper on the pink frock he’d been wearing a few minutes ago.

  “But to return to your request, Mr. Hooper, do I understand correctly that you would like me to give you the Imperial State Crown, so that you may guard this Earth Stone from Thanatos?” said the Queen.

  “Yes,” said Elliot, slightly surprised that his garbled explanation had been that clear.

  “We’d replace it,” said Virgo, pointing at Hermes’s bag.

  “Oh—yes,” said Elliot, plunging his hand into the bag, which seemed to go on forever before something met his grasp. “We’d like to exchange it—for this.”

  He pulled his hand out with a proud flourish, expecting the new crown to be met with gasps of delight from the Queen. But upon seeing her politely confused expression and hearing Virgo’s groan, he looked more closely at what he had produced from the bag. In return for the priceless Imperial State Crown atop Her Majesty’s head, Elliot Hooper was now standing in her private parlor offering the Queen a large rubber chicken.

  “Oh, sorry,” he said, thrusting the chicken back in the bag. Virgo rolled her eyes. Elliot had another rummage around before pulling his hand out again, this time producing the replica crown. “I meant this.”

  Now the Queen gasped on cue at Hephaestus’s astonishing work. The crowns were identical.

  “May I?” asked the Queen.

  “Sure,” said Elliot, bringing the new crown to her, deciding a small curtsy would be appropriate as he handed it over.

  The Queen turned the replica Imperial State Crown in her hands, looking highly impressed.

  “It’s certainly much lighter than this old lump,” she said, raising her eyes. “I must admit I’ve never cared much for it; it’s far too heavy. This is exquisite.”

  “Oh, and another thing,” said Elliot, remembering the blacksmith’s demonstration the night before. “Hephaestus, that’s the man—well, God, really—who made it, thought you might like this.”

  Elliot placed the crown on the table in front of the Queen and pressed a large ruby on the side. The crown quietly started to rumble, a small wisp of steam twirling from the top for a few moments until there was a gentle ping. Elliot lifted the crown to reveal a small golden cup and saucer, which was filled to the brim with steaming tea.

  “The sapphire on the back makes coffee and every turn of the cross on the top will give you a lump of sugar,” he said nervously as the Queen stared at the crown in amazement. “Do you like it?”

  “I think it’s quite wonderful, Mr. Hooper. But speaking of tea, what on Earth has become of yours? This really is most unlike Jeffers,” she said, insistently ringing her bell again.

  “So. Can we swap it for yours?” asked Virgo impatiently. “We’ll return the rest of the crown.”

  “Well,” said the Queen, “it’s a little difficult … ”

  She was interrupted as a footman, whom Elliot presumed must be the delayed Jeffers, flung the white doors open with a flourish.

  “Heeeeeeere’s Jeffers!” he sang, throwing his arms wide open.

  “Er … Jeffers,” said the Queen cautiously. “Would you be so kind as to fetch my guests—”

  “Get it yourself, Granny,” Jeffers laughed, looking from one crown to the other.

  “I beg your pardon?” said the Queen.

  “Which one’s got the Earth Stone?” Jeffers grinned, holding out his hand. “Give it.”

  “I can’t say I care for your tone, Jeffers,” said the Queen warily, rising to her feet. “Whatever’s got into you?”

  “That would be me!” screeched the footman, his face growing wings and wildness as he dissembled back into Hypnos. “Now hand over the goods, you wrinkly royal.”

  If the Queen had any thoughts about her footman melting into a wing-headed Daemon, she kept them to herself. Elliot looked around the room to see what he could use to defend his elderly monarch. He had placed Her Majesty in great danger. It was down to him to protect her.

  “Give me the crown and I’ll let you get back to your nap, Nana,” Hypnos said, winking.

  “You’ll have to get through us first, Hypnos,” shouted Virgo, charging at Hypnos, hoping to knock him off his feet. But her small frame was useless against the Daemon of Sleep, who picked her up and threw her against the wall like a used tissue.

  “Have it your way!” Hypnos snapped at the Queen, pushing her aside to get to Elliot, leaving the monarch in a pile of lace petticoats on the floor. “I’ll deal with you in a minute, Queen. First things first.”

  Hypnos seized Elliot by the neck. Grabbing the nearest thing at hand, Elliot hit the Daemon with a gold cake stand, but he may as well have attacked him with a banana. Without even flinching, Hypnos lifted Elliot off the ground and started to choke him.

  “Thanatos says hi.” He smiled, raising his trumpet to his lips. “Sleep well.”

  “No, you don’t!” screamed Virgo, running at the Daemon again, jumping on his back, and smashing the Queen’s teapot on his head.

  Hypnos dropped Elliot and the trumpet to the floor with a shriek, holding his burning head in his hands. Virgo kicked his trumpet away.

  “Playtime’s over!” he shouted, wiping scalding tea from his eyes. He walked menacingly toward the window that Elliot and Virgo were struggling to open, while Pegasus kicked at the glass. Hypnos reached them before they could make their escape and towered over them, holding his fists aloft.

  “Sorry, kids,” he said, winking, as he drew himself up to put his full weight behind the blow, “this is gonna hurt.”

  But at that moment, a heavy object flew across the room and smacked him hard on the back of the head.

  “Oi!” he shouted, spinning around to see what had clobbered him.

  “One doesn’t think so, Hypnos!” declared the furious Queen, her neat hair disheveled where she had pulled the Imperial State Crown from her head and hurled it at the Daemon. “Prepare yourself for a right royal kicking!”

  And with a great wrench, the Queen whipped off her full white dress to reveal a black ninja outfit beneath. Unencumbered by her gown, she leapt up into the air and backflipped across the room, hitting Hypnos square in the chest with a flying double-footed kick. Elliot and Virgo just had time to jump out of the way before Hypnos crashed against the wall, winded by the Queen’s attack.

  Hypnos reached for his trumpet, but the Queen sprang off her back to her feet with a neat flick, spinning her purple sash around to expose four throwing stars on the back. She aimed them expertly at the Daemon, who defended himself with a priceless vase. When all four had been thrown, Hypnos retaliated by hurling the chipped vase at the Queen, who smashed it with a yell and a spinning kick on the heel of her court shoe. Hypnos ran at the tea table and threw it blindly at the Queen. But Her Majesty simply ca
rtwheeled across the room and caught it, snapping it over her knee and twirling the golden legs threateningly at the Daemon.

  Elliot and Virgo watched with mouths the size of dinner plates as the Daemon of Sleep and the Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, Her other Realms and Territories, Head of the Commonwealth and Defender of the Faith, circled around the room, neither taking their eyes from the other as they waited to see who would make the first move.

  Hypnos was the first to strike, with a clumsy lunge that the Queen easily sidestepped, thwacking the Daemon on the back with both table legs as he passed. But Hypnos recovered more quickly than she expected and immediately lunged again, this time catching the Queen off guard and snatching one of her table legs. A furious duel began, Hypnos and the Queen fighting each other with table legs like swords, chips of wood flying everywhere as they thrust and parried around the room.

  “Elliot, duck!” cried Virgo as another vase got caught up in the battle and hurtled toward Elliot’s head, smashing against the wall behind him a split second after he dived out of the way. The frantic battle continued, Hypnos’s brute strength an even match for the Queen’s skilled swordsmanship. With an almighty swing, Hypnos blasted the table leg from the Queen’s hand, forcing her to dive across the carpet to avoid being smashed by Hypnos’s weapon.

  “Mr. Hooper?” called the Queen politely, as she ran up the wall and crouched on the top of a cabinet. “Would you be so kind as to pass one the Sword of State, please?”

  Elliot saw the ornate red-and-gold scabbard at his feet. He picked it up and threw it to the Queen.

  “Thank you so much,” she said with a smile, catching the sword midair as she performed a flying front somersault from the top of cabinet, mere seconds before Hypnos smashed into it.

  The two warriors paused for a moment on opposite sides of the room. The Queen unsheathed the Sword of State to reveal the brilliant silver blade. She raised the sword above her head and prepared to charge.

  “HYPNOS!” she bellowed, her eyes ablaze with fury. “KISS ONE’S ROYAL BOTTOM! AAARRGHGH!”

  Her Majesty ran at the terrified Daemon, who raised a splinter of a chair leg to defend himself from the murderous monarch before thinking better of it and running away. The Queen chased Hypnos three times around the parlor, holding her sword above her head and roaring her terrifying battle cry. Hypnos tried to grab his trumpet, but the Queen was too fast. He made for the window and launched himself headlong at it. Wood and glass shattered everywhere as the Daemon of Sleep threw himself outside, dissembled into a pigeon, and flew out of sight.