by Soraya Lane
“When I was offered the chance to become part of a special forces team, I would have been a fool not to accept. Or at least that’s what I thought at the time. I was so young and it was something I’d dreamed of since I was a schoolboy.”
“So why are you back here, then?” she asked. “Tell me what brought you home, Nate. Tell me.”
Nate gripped her hands tighter, needing all of her strength as well as his to be honest with her about what had happened. He wasn’t angry anymore, but talking was never going to come easy to him, not with his friend and the army as the subject matter.
“When I heard about you and Todd, I thought it was a sign that being Black Ops was what I was meant to be doing. Part of me had hoped you’d still wait, but it was stupid to even think that, when I told you it was over. But within a couple of years, I wanted out. Jimmy did, too, and we both tried. He was struggling and I didn’t want to end up the same way. I knew something wasn’t right with him, and not saying something, not interfering when I could have, cost him his life.” Nate shook his head. “I went from loving my job more than anything to hating it.”
Sarah was nodding and squeezing his hands in return. “Why did you want out?” Her anger had turned into concern.
Nate sighed. Talking wasn’t getting any easier, but Sarah was there for him and he had to try. There were things he could tell her, because of what they’d shared in the past, that he knew he’d never be able to divulge to anyone else. Not even his family.
“Because it didn’t feel right. And because...” Nate gulped and watched as Sarah did the same. “Because after losing you, and then Mom passing away, I realized that I’d left the place I actually belonged. I’d been searching all this time, wanting to serve my country and prove myself on my own, and at the same time I’d managed to lose everything that was important to me. I might not have realized it straightaway, but hand on my heart it’s the truth. All I wanted was to come back here, but now that I’m here it’s like I no longer fit in anywhere.”
Sarah looked numb, like she was in shock and didn’t know how to respond. “Then when Dad passed away and my friend, too, it was like everything had been taken away from me. Like I had nothing left.” He looked up and into Sarah’s beautiful, amber-gold eyes. “Until I saw you again.”
Sarah’s cheeks turned the softest shade of pink as she smiled. “You don’t need to say that, Nate. Flattery won’t get you anywhere with me.”
He stroked her face from the edge of her eye to the curve of her mouth, then cupped her chin. “But it’s the truth. I came home a broken man, and when I thought I was beyond repair, somehow you managed to save me.”
“What happened out there, Nate? What happened to your friend?”
Nate’s body shuddered like a bolt of lightning had hit it. No one else in the world knew what had happened out there that day, no one but him. And the friend he’d watched kill himself.
“You have to realize that when I joined the special forces, when I became part of one of the most elite military operations in the world, I pledged to keep what I saw, where I was and what I did a secret.” Nate sucked in a big breath. “What happened on tour had to stay on tour, no question about it.”
Sarah tucked her arms around his torso and hugged him tight. “But something happened over there, Nate. Something that you need to talk about before the secrecy of it eats you alive.” She paused. “This isn’t me asking because I’m nosy, this is me asking because I want to help. And if it’s not me you talk to, then it has to be someone else, and soon.”
Nate had no idea how she could be so compassionate toward him when he’d already hurt her so bad, when only moments before they’d been arguing.
Jimmy’s lifeless, heavy body weighed him down so much he could hardly walk. The pain in his own leg was so intense that Nate thought it might have been on fire. That it had somehow been set alight.
He was yelling, over and over, screaming for someone to help Jimmy.
And knowing that no matter what happened, he was never going to be able to tell the truth. Not to anyone.
Except Sarah. Right now.
“Once I tell you, I need you to not ask me about it ever again. But I need to know that you’re sure?”
“Sure that I can keep it a secret or sure that I want to know?”
Nate held her hand, pleased that for once he wasn’t trying to fight having her near. “I already know I can trust you with a secret, Sarah. What I need to know is whether you want the burden of knowing what happened to me that day.”
Sarah smiled at him, honesty shining from her eyes with an unmistakable glow. “Tell me, Nate. When I said I was here for you it wasn’t an empty promise. I don’t say anything I don’t mean.”
Nate pulled her hard against him in a fierce embrace before letting go so he could face her. They sat on the sofa, Nate staring into Sarah’s eyes.
“When I said before that Jimmy was struggling, he was really struggling. He had been my best friend for years, and I knew him as well as anyone in my life. There were days near the end that I had to cover for him constantly, because I knew he wasn’t capable of doing what was required of him, what was expected of us. And I knew he was getting worse. We’d served together before Black Ops, so I knew something was wrong because we were so close we may as well have been brothers.”
Sarah nodded, encouraging him to continue.
It was a fight to expel the words. They were in his mind but stuck in his throat before he could tell her what he suddenly wanted to share so bad it hurt. Like a knife being twisted in his chest.
“I knew things were bad, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. He kept insisting he was fine, or he wouldn’t talk about it at all, and if I’d said something to our superior then, I knew he’d be out. And what would that have meant for the rest of his life? For his wife waiting at home? What would a dishonorable discharge have meant for him?”
“And now you think you did the wrong thing in not saying something?” Sarah asked, her voice soft and full of concern.
“I don’t think, Sarah, I know.” Nate tried hard not to let himself be sucked back into the world he was trying so hard to pull away from—the world of memories that never seemed to stop hunting him out. “The official records tell of enemy fire taking out my best friend. About me being injured when our operation went bad. I’ve never told anyone that I watched as Jim turned his gun on himself and took his own life, or that I was shot because I ran as fast as I could to save him, firing at two separate machine gun nests, and got shot in the process. But that’s the truth of it, Sarah. Because I didn’t speak up and do the right thing, I cost my friend his life.”
Nate was suddenly gulping for air, fighting to breathe. His body began to convulse, before a massive sob erupted from his chest.
“Nate, oh, Nate. Come here.” Sarah grabbed him tight and tucked his head to her chest, cradling him like she would one of her young pupils.
“I’m sorry, I...” Nate couldn’t even talk, he was crying so damn hard and he couldn’t stop it. He was crying like a baby in front of the one woman in the world that he wanted to be strong for.
“There’s no shame in crying, Nate. I’m here for you, I’m here,” she whispered, her lips close to his ear.
She was right. Sarah wasn’t the girl he needed to impress; she was the one he could be himself with.
Somehow her words pulled his emotions back in check. He took a deep, shuddering breath and reached for her face, cupping her cheeks gently in between both his hands. “I love you, Sarah.”
Tears sprang into her eyes then. “Nate, you don’t need to say that,” she mumbled.
He didn’t let go of her face even when she tried to look away, to force his gaze from her.
“So all of a sudden you don’t want me to be honest with you?”
Her bottom lip
had started to quiver. “You mean it, don’t you?” she whispered.
“I only say what I mean, Sarah,” he told her, bringing his face closer to hers. “I’d rather stay silent than lie, and you’re still the only woman I’ve ever said I love you to.”
That got her attention. He could see the question in her eyes, the disbelief, but it was true.
“Are you sure?” she asked, a shy smile kicking up the edge of her lips.
“It’s not the sort of thing I’d forget,” he told her, trying not to laugh. “I love you, Sarah. Always have, probably always will. Hand on my heart, you’re the only woman I’ve ever told, aside from my mom and my sister.”
She shook her head, her bottom lip caught between her top teeth as she watched him. Nate took his chance. Talking to her had helped, had felt right, but he knew what would make him feel a whole heap better.
Kissing Sarah again.
Nate knelt and tugged Sarah from the sofa, pulling her down to his level. She obeyed, her eyes trained on his, not resisting when he pressed his lips to her throat, pushing away her hair with one hand and holding her close with the other.
“Nate?”
He trailed more kisses down her collarbone. “Mmm?”
“Are you sure this is a good idea?”
He chose not to answer with words. Nate cupped Sarah’s face with both hands, eyes focused on her full lips. They parted when he kissed her, her body softening against his, hands snaking around his hips.
But it didn’t last for long.
Sarah’s confidence seemed to have grown. She was no longer blushing but smiling at him when she pushed him away like she was a woman in charge of her own destiny. And right now he hoped that immediate destiny included him.
Nate groaned as Sarah placed her palm to his chest. Last time she’d taken charge he hadn’t exactly minded, and her plans this time didn’t disappoint him.
She slowly pushed him, more gentle than she’d been earlier, but her message was clear. Nate grimaced as his leg bent in an uncomfortable position.
“Are you okay?” She stopped moving, her hand fluttering away from him.
“Fine,” he growled, grabbing her hand and placing it back flat to his chest. Nate lay back, trying hard not to take over and lay claim on Sarah with his hands, pulling her down on top of him instead.
But Sarah was setting the pace, and he wanted to let her, wanted her to decide what she was comfortable with.
She sat astride him and Nate didn’t fight it, even though he wasn’t used to anyone else taking charge of anything in his life. He’d resisted contact with anyone for so long, jumped when he was touched, needed to be in charge. Until now. Because Sarah wasn’t going to hurt him, wasn’t doing anything other than be there for him, and he was ready to at least try to trust again. “You’re gonna have to go slow with me,” he joked, pulling her farther down onto him. Her hair fell over the sides of his face, tickling his throat.
“This slow?” she joked, giggling as she pressed tiny kisses across his jaw.
“Just hurry up and kiss me, woman,” he growled, flipping her over so she was trapped beneath him, his patience long expired.
* * *
Sarah loved the indent of Nate’s body above her, the weight of his large frame. She could do this. How long had she thought about Nate? Remembered the way things had been between them?
It didn’t matter what couldn’t be, it was about right now. Being loved, even just for one night, by Nate. Even if she had made him tell her everything without sharing her own fears, her own secrets, that she was terrified of confessing to him. Even if he had said I love you.
“Do you want me to stop?” Nate’s question, his voice low as he whispered in her ear, made her wriggle beneath him, searching out his eyes.
“No,” she whispered back, shaking her head. Sarah hated that he’d taken some of his weight off her, had liked feeling crushed beneath him, his hot breath on her neck, hands skimming her body. “No,” she whispered again.
Nate stroked her forehead, his fingers trailing slowly down her face with a delicateness that made her squirm, body shuddering as his thumb dipped into her mouth on its way to her chin.
“Nate.” She had no idea why she wanted to keep saying his name, maybe to believe it was real, that this was actually happening.
“You’re sure?” he asked.
Damn it, did he have to keep being such a gentleman? Did she have to spell out exactly what she wanted him to do to her? The thought filled her body with heat. No way could she talk to him about what she wanted.
Instead, she nodded when his fingers brushed her face, before grazing his lips against hers, his weight against her body again, nestled snug into her. “You’re even more beautiful than I remembered,” Nate told her, his lips so close to hers as he spoke that she could feel his warm breath against her skin.
Sarah murmured; she wasn’t capable of anything else.
“I mean it, Sarah.” The look on Nate’s face, the tenderness in the way he touched her, like she was the most cherished of possessions that he couldn’t bear the thought of hurting, made her heart beat too fast. Made her light-headed, made her crave his touch like she’d die without the attention of his hands on her body. Without his lips cradling hers.
“Nate?” she whispered, pressing him back ever so slightly with one hand.
“Mmm-hmm,” he mumbled, pushing her cheek slightly so that her lips were aligned perfectly beneath his again.
Nate slipped one finger under the strap of her dress, pushing it gently down to expose more skin.
Sarah heard the moan rise from her own throat, arched her back as Nate’s lips left hers and started to burn a heat-filled path down her neck, past her collarbone, to her...
“Nate,” she managed, choking out his name.
His grin was wicked, a lazy, conceited smile spreading across his face as he stopped, looked up and met her eyes.
“You do want me to stop?” he asked.
She giggled, unable to stop herself. “No,” she said, her palm cupping his jaw as she stroked his cheek. He was so handsome, so chiseled yet masculine, tough in the most desirable of ways. “I want you to turn the lights out.”
He looked like he was about to disagree, to decline her wish, but the devilish grin was back as quick as it had disappeared.
“Follow me,” he ordered, pushing against the carpet as he rose to his feet, offering her a hand to do the same.
Sarah hesitated, wasn’t sure whether she’d completely ruined the moment or somehow made it better. She took his hand for him to help her up, but Nate swept her off her feet and up into his arms before she could even steady herself.
“What are you doing?” she demanded, wriggling to break free from his grip. But he held her tight, so snug against his chest that she couldn’t move an inch.
“I’m taking you to the bedroom,” he informed her, the determined look in his eyes making her stomach flip.
She tried wriggling again. “I’m too heavy, your leg...”
His gaze flashed with anger then, his arms tightening even harder around her. “Don’t go there,” he warned.
Sarah didn’t need to be told twice. She scooped her arms around his neck, hands locking in the air behind him, and offered her mouth to Nate. And he took it without hesitation. If he said he could carry her, he could carry her.
“Bedroom?” he asked, voice husky again.
“Yeah.” Sarah breathed out the word, her heart racing again, pounding hard.
This time Nate didn’t pause to ask if she was sure. He stormed toward his room with a determination that terrified her.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
SARAH lay wrapped in one of Nate’s arms, her leg curled over his, head flat to his chest. She’d fallen asleep, too, but something had woken her
.
Ow. Nate’s comfortable hold on her tightened, his arm squeezing her hard, then releasing again. At least now she knew why she was awake if he’d done that before.
Sarah didn’t move, not sure what to do. She knew Nate wouldn’t hurt her intentionally, but the last time she’d tried to comfort him when he’d been obviously having a dream hadn’t exactly worked out that well for her.
His arm tightened again but she stayed still. She had no idea what to do, whether she should slip away from him and wriggle to the other side of the bed, or stay put and try to comfort him.
Nate started to shake then and Sarah did move. She wasn’t scared of him but...she swallowed and held up a pillow to cuddle, clutched to her naked body. She suddenly felt supervulnerable. His body shuddered violently, one arm thrashed out, but Sarah was still frozen, unsure what to do. When he started to mumble words she couldn’t understand, she fumbled and flipped the bedside lamp on, hoping the light would wake him.
But it didn’t. All it did was make his distress more obvious. His forehead was glistening with sweat, his body was twisting in the sheets, face pained.
She had to do something.
Sarah edged closer, wished she wasn’t naked so she’d feel more confident, but she couldn’t take her eyes off Nate. Was powerless to leave him for even a moment, despite the fact she had no idea what to do, how she could help him.
He didn’t need to be jolted from sleep, and he needed to know where he was, who was with him, as soon as he woke.
“It’s Sarah,” she said, her voice a low whisper, wrapping her arms tight around herself and resisting touching him. Not letting herself wriggle any closer even though her instinct was to hold him, to cocoon him in her arms. “It’s Sarah. I’m here, Nate, it’s Sarah,” she said, braver now, her voice stronger. Nate wasn’t thrashing now but his eyes were still shut. The sheets were a tangled mess on his side of the bed.
“It’s Sarah, Nate. Sarah,” she repeated, still desperate to reach out to him.