by Soraya Lane
Nate woke then, leaped up into a sitting position, his eyes wild, like a stranger sitting before her.
But it was Nate. He wouldn’t hurt her, do anything out of character, so long as he knew it was her.
“Nate, it’s Sarah, look at me.”
The wildness disappeared from Nate’s gaze almost immediately. He ran a shaky hand through his hair, looked around, then brought his knees up to his chest, dropping his forehead to rest on them.
Sarah took her cue. He wasn’t a danger to her anymore, knew it was her.
“Nate,” she whispered, scooting over to him, no longer caring that she was naked. This was Nate she was with, not some stranger. Sarah put her arm carefully around his back, her other hand touching his hair.
When he drew back, made eye contact with her, she knew he’d be okay, that she could at least be there for him and that he’d let her.
“You’re going to be okay,” she told him, her lips to his ear as she held him tight.
Nate’s body went stiff, then relaxed, his arms going around her to hug her back.
“Every night,” he said, his voice muffled against her hair. “There’s not a single night that I go to bed and that doesn’t happen.”
Sarah swallowed furiously, willing herself not to cry. Nate didn’t deserve this sort of pain, not after what he’d been through, what he’d seen...what he’d done for a friend. “Are you reliving what happened?” she asked, hoping she wasn’t pushing it by asking more.
Nate let go of her and leaned back, his head resting against the wall behind the bed. “I see everything,” he told her. “I see Jimmy, I see blood, explosions—you name it, it’s in my nightmares.”
Sarah lay down, her head nestling into the soft pillow, and held out her hand for Nate to join her. He didn’t move to turn off the lamp and neither did she.
Nate lay down beside her, on his side, so they were nose to nose, mouth to mouth. He skimmed the side of her body, running his hand down her arm, over her backside and to the top of her thigh. “I thought that being with you, having you beside me, might help.”
She wished it had, too. Now that she’d witnessed what he went through, had seen him transform from peaceful sleeper to a man plagued by night terrors, she could understand why he’d almost strangled her in the state he’d been in. Why he’d mistaken her to be someone from his dreams, and how much it must have hurt him when he’d realized what he’d done.
“I’m not scared of you, Nate, if that’s what you’re worried about,” she said, touching a slow kiss to his lips.
Nate pressed into her, the length of his body fitted to hers. “The other night, when we were drunk and asleep on the sofa, was the first time I’ve slept through without waking like this.”
Wow. “But you haven’t woken from a nightmare to this before, have you?” Sarah asked, smiling as she wiggled against him.
Nate chuckled, a deep noise followed by his hand grasping her bottom. “No, Sarah. I haven’t.”
She pretended to protest, to fight him when he held both her hands down and lay above her, settling enough of his weight over her that she knew she’d never get away even if she wanted to.
“I’ve never told anyone about this, either,” he whispered, placing a teasing kiss to her neck, then the other side, before finding her mouth. “Ever.”
She looked into his eyes, could sense the level of trust he was instilling in her. Nate wasn’t the kind of man who’d like anyone to know his weaknesses, would never like to burden anyone else with his problems. And she had no intention of divulging anything he told her to anyone, no matter what.
“Your secrets are always safe with me, Nate.”
If only she could share her secrets with him.
* * *
Nate woke with a sense of calm that surprised him. Usually, after he’d woken from a night terror, he’d never fall back into a comfortable sleep. It was why his eyes felt like they were hanging from their sockets most days, and probably why his temper was too quick to leap to the surface. Especially where his family were concerned.
He briefly shut his eyes and focused on the softness of the woman lying beside him. Sarah. He’d never imagined he’d be sharing a bed with her again, that he would have her in his arms, that he’d have loved her like he had last night.
She sighed in her sleep and moved, snuggling in closer to him. Nate turned so that his arms were around her, studying her face as she stirred. He traced the smoothness of her skin with his eyes, drank in her soft lips, smiled as he slowly reached a hand toward her face and plucked a soft curl that was draped over her cheek.
“Hey,” she mumbled, lips parting but her eyes still shut. “I can tell you’re looking at me.”
Nate put his arm back around Sarah and pulled her closer. Never in a million years, after what he’d been through and the way he’d felt these past few months, had he ever imagined being with Sarah again. Opening up to anyone about his experiences or the secret he held. But she was starting to change the way he thought, the way he behaved. Even if it had been slow progress up until now.
“Sleep well?” he asked.
She grinned and opened her eyes. “Yes. Better than I have in a long while.”
Nate touched her cheek with the backs of his fingers. “Divorce keeping you awake at night?”
A look passed across Sarah’s face that he couldn’t read. But it was one he recognized from that first time he’d seen her, under his tree. Like she was upset, couldn’t help from showing it, but wiped the emotion as quick as she could. But not fast enough for him not to notice.
“Sarah?”
She shook her head against the pillow, pulling back from him slightly. “It’s nothing, Nate.”
He wasn’t buying it. “If you do need to talk, about Todd, or anything—” he tried hard not to grimace when he said his former friend’s name “—I’m here for you just like you were for me.”
Sarah wriggled and kissed him, her arm circling his neck. “Thank you,” she said.
Nate was curious to know what was wrong, but whatever was keeping her up at night wasn’t something she wanted to talk about and he understood exactly what that felt like.
“How about some breakfast?” he suggested, changing the subject so she didn’t have to.
Sarah cringed, not exactly the response he’d expected.
“Did I say something wrong?” he asked, rising and pulling on the jeans that he’d shed way too fast the night before. They were crumpled in a heap on the floor.
“Oh, my God.” Sarah’s hand flew to her mouth, sitting up and drawing the sheets to cover herself.
Nate’s eyebrow shot up in question. “What?”
“You never struck me as the commando type.” She giggled.
He planted his hands on the bed and leaned toward her, kissing her before grabbing the sheet between his teeth and pulling it away from her.
“Nate!”
He laughed and jumped back. “I’ll have you know it’s only a morning kind of thing. I didn’t know how fast you’d want to be ripping off my pants again, so I thought I’d make it easy for you.”
Sarah rolled her eyes, but he didn’t miss the pink blush as it frosted her cheeks. He didn’t remember her blushing so much when they’d been together even though she’d been a whole lot younger then, but she seemed to do it all the time now.
“I’ll have you know that it was you who initiated—” she paused and held the sheet up again to cover her breasts “—this.”
Nate stood and walked to the door, before turning back. “What was it you were going to tell me before?”
She sighed and Nate wished he’d just forgotten about it and not asked.
“I had a phone call from Todd before I arrived here last night. He confirmed our meeting today.”
Nate nodded, probably for longer than he needed to. “You still want me to be there?”
Sarah smiled, meekly this time. “Yeah, but only if it’s not a problem. I mean, if you have something else on, or you need to be somewhere...”
Nate gave her a quick salute, followed by what he hoped was a convincing smile. “I’ll be there.”
They stared at each other for a moment before Nate remembered where he’d been heading. “I hope you like omelets,” he called out as he walked away from her. “’Cause it’s all I know how to make!”
Nate reached the kitchen and leaned against the wall, needing a minute to think about what he’d just agreed to. He did want to help Sarah, but the reality of seeing Todd again wasn’t exactly appealing, even though he’d told her yesterday that he’d do it for her.
He still had so many issues to deal with, was struggling with his own problems, but Sarah had been there for him and he’d promised the same of her.
Nate opened a drawer to find the utensils he needed, but his fingers first connected with a folded piece of paper. Jimmy’s wife. What he needed to do today was muster the courage to phone her.
He pushed it to the side, like he’d been doing for months, and set about making breakfast. Maybe he should tell Sarah, or maybe he should just quit stalling and do something about it.
CHAPTER TWELVE
SARAH was beside-herself nervous. Nate was sitting on her sofa and surfing the channels on her television, and she was starting to pace. Was he seriously okay with this kind of normality? And what had the verdict been on whether they were still pretending or not? Because what had happened between them had her seriously confused, and if they were starting something here, then she needed to get something off her chest.
Argh. Being with Nate, dealing with Todd, it was all too much.
“Nate,” she said, straightening her shoulders and moving to stand in front of him. He laughed and leaned around her to use the remote, switching the television off.
“Come here,” he said, trying to loop his fingers into her jeans and tug her down.
“Nate!” she scolded, standing her ground. “I’m trying to be serious here.”
“So am I.”
She swatted at his hand, almost wishing things didn’t feel so good between them. She should have just told him to start with, admitted why Todd’s having a baby had upset her so much when she’d first found out.
Moose couldn’t resist any longer and leaped up, nosing at her like he was making sure she was okay. He’d been watching Nate with a wary expression ever since he’d arrived, but after spending the night before being babysat by her mom, he seemed pretty pleased to be home.
“Shoot,” he said, pulling her down slowly so she could sit on the arm of the chair. “And tell that dog that he’s going to have to get used to me.”
She wished that was all she had on her mind, worrying about her overprotective dog not liking Nate when animals usually loved him, but she needed to get this off her chest. It was time she was honest with Nate, opened up to him about what had happened to her these past few years, the pain she’d been through. Telling him now before things went any further between them, before she risked being hurt again, was the only way forward. Especially after he’d been so brave talking to her.
“Sarah?” he asked, his playful expression turning into a frown as he watched her.
“Nate, there’s something I—”
“Well, isn’t this cozy.”
Sarah leaped up and nearly tripped over her rug at the sound of Todd’s voice. “Have you heard of knocking?” she demanded, furious that he’d just walked in like that when it wasn’t his home to do so anymore.
Todd looked at her, then back at Nate, eyes wide with what she could only guess was disbelief. Sarah dropped her hand to her dog’s head when she heard his low growl, which turned into a muttered whine at her touch.
“From memory I’m pretty sure the house is still half-mine, so I didn’t know I had to knock,” Todd said, watching Nate closely. “But then I wasn’t exactly expecting to find you shacked up with someone so soon.”
Sarah tried to stay calm, didn’t want to engage in a fight with Todd and especially not in front of Nate, but she was so angry her hands had started to shake. “Todd, let’s not argue, and please don’t accuse me of anything when you’ve hardly been the world’s best role model, okay? I saw you with your fiancée in town and I guessed she’d be with you today.”
If she was angry, Todd looked wild. “All these years I knew you were pining over him, but I tried to tell myself it was stupid. That you weren’t still in love with a guy who’d decided he had better things to do than come back to you.”
“I think that’s enough, Todd.” Nate’s deep, commanding voice sent a shiver through her.
“Don’t you tell me what to do in my house to my wife.” Todd was red-faced and beyond angry now, the testosterone and tension in the room overwhelming.
Tears fell down Sarah’s cheeks and she couldn’t stop them, but Nate’s body beside hers when he rose, his hand on her hip, made her stand strong. Todd was the one at fault here, not her, and she wasn’t going to be made out to be the bad guy. She had been faithful to him and done everything she could during their marriage, to make it work, and while she’d thought of Nate often she’d never treated Todd like she didn’t love him.
“Todd, I signed the divorce papers and sent them back yesterday. I think you’ll find that I’m no longer your wife.” Her voice was cooler, calmer, than she’d expected. “You’ve moved on, and now so have I.”
Todd stood there, glaring at her and Nate like he wanted to set them on fire with his gaze alone. Why was he even angry when he’d so clearly moved on?
“Was this going on during our marriage?” Todd demanded, directing the question at her and pointing at Nate.
Sarah shook her head. “No.” From the corner of her eye she could see the determined look in Nate’s eyes, the hard line of his jaw as he kept his mouth clamped shut, like he was desperate to interfere and put Todd in his place, but trying so hard to let her deal with the situation on her own. “You were the unfaithful one, Todd, not me. I never did anything other than try to make things work between us.”
Todd started to walk backward to the door, like he’d had enough, his expression pure hatred, but not yet ready to turn away. “Have you told him the truth yet, Sarah?”
Her lip quivered but she took a step toward him, praying that he’d stop, that he wouldn’t tell Nate. But he only sensed her discomfort and laughed, like he couldn’t wait to make a fool of her, to make sure she didn’t find happiness with anyone else. He’d been so cruel toward her at the end when she’d been trying so hard to make things work, to deal with what she was going through, coming to terms with how the news from her doctor would change her life forever.
“Todd, please,” she begged, shaking her head and pleading with him as she looked him in the eye.
“Ah, I see. Lover boy doesn’t know that the happy little family you were always talking about before he left can’t happen. That you’ll never be able to have his kids. I wonder if he’ll still want you now, sweetheart?”
His cruelty made her feel like she’d just been cut in half. She’d come to dislike him at the end of the marriage, been furious for what he’d done, but she’d never known he could be so full of hatred, that he could want to hurt her that bad for something she’d had no control over.
“Just go, Todd. Get out of my house,” she said, her voice so quiet that she wondered if he’d even heard her. “The next time you want to discuss our settlement you can do it through my lawyer. I’m done playing nice.”
He walked out and left her standing there, wishing she’d never asked Nate to be witness to their meeting. She should have known how badly Todd would react to him, even if he did have a new partner and
baby on the way. Nate’s had always been a name that wasn’t mentioned in their house, for the very reason that they had a history together that everyone in the district knew about, especially Todd. She’d been stupid asking Nate to come, even if it had seemed like the right thing to do at the time.
“Sarah?”
Nate’s hand on her back told her it wasn’t all just a bad nightmare, either. It was real.
“Just go, Nate. Please.” She couldn’t face him, not after being humiliated like that.
Nate walked around her when she refused to turn so she couldn’t ignore him. “Sarah?” He tried to tilt her chin but she looked away.
“I’m sorry you had to witness that, but Todd’s right,” she told him, in a voice far braver than she felt inside. “I can’t have children, Nate, so whatever happened between us last night doesn’t mean we can just pick up and go back to what we used to have. I’ll never carry a child, not with you, not with anyone.”
She couldn’t read Nate’s expression and she didn’t want to. Maybe he’d just wanted to have some fun, maybe he wasn’t thinking the same things that she’d been hoping, wishing they could step back in time. But if she knew Nate like she thought she did, he wouldn’t have just slept with her if it didn’t mean something, not with the history they shared. And he’d be furious that she hadn’t opened up to him, especially when she’d been so demanding of him facing up to his issues.
“You should have told me,” he said.
Sarah met his gaze, defiant. “Why? You had enough of your own problems to deal with without me off-loading mine. I can’t ever get pregnant, Nate. Not now, not ever.” She shouldn’t have been angry with him, but she was. Or maybe she was just angry with herself. “But I’m at peace with that now.”
He shook his head, his expression sad. “I’m sure there are plenty of specialists, or doctors you could talk to. There must be—”
“Stop, Nate, just stop,” she ordered, battling tears again. “Don’t you think I’ve done everything I can? That I’ve investigated every possible way for me to have a baby? I can’t and there’s nothing anyone can do for me, okay?”