Here

by Denise Grover Swank

  Dr. Whittaker talks to some committee members as Evan and I pass. His gaze searches me out and he gives me a reassuring smile.

  When the door shuts behind us in our private room from yesterday, Evan pulls me into a hug. “I’m sorry.”

  “About what?” My mind’s still on General Ghertner, who glared most of the morning. He looks old enough to have been alive during the nuclear war. I can only imagine the resentment he feels, that our world escaped the atrocities his has endured.

  “About putting you through all of this. When we’re done, I’ll show you what my world is really like. It’s not like this, I swear. Maybe we’ll be done today and I can take you home, my house I mean. We still need to figure out how to re-introduce you to society.”

  I stare into his eyes with disbelief, realizing he really thinks we are both going to leave. I sit down in a chair.

  “Aren’t you tired of sitting?”

  “Yes, but I don’t want to just stand either. I’d rather walk. Can we take a walk outside?”

  He hesitates. “Well, I know there’s a covered walkway we could walk under, but I doubt they’ll let us.”

  “A covered walkway?”

  “It’s not safe to walk in the sun.”

  “Why not?”

  “The ozone layer has thinned. The UV light can burn you in a matter of minutes.”

  “You’re kidding.”

  “I wish I was. I really liked that part of your world too. That I could be outside in the sunshine.”

  That explains why everyone is so pale. I close my eyes. “Your world is so damaged.”

  He sits next to me. “It could be worse.” I feel the warmth of his leg next to mine and it fills me with reassurance, even if it’s false. I’ll take what I can get.

  I open my eyes with a grimace. “It could be better.”

  He shrugs. “It is what it is.”

  I envy his nonchalance, the way he can accept that his world is less than perfect yet not begrudge that mine is untouched.

  He takes the lid off a tray revealing more wafers. I’m sick of wafers.

  I shift in my seat. Anxiety tickles the back of my neck and makes me squirmy. “You didn’t have that attitude after Julia died. You didn’t accept it and say it is what it is.” Irritation bleeds through my words.

  Confusion flashes across his face, before it’s replaced with anger. “What did my dad say to you?”

  “I’m not her. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” I raise my voice and the hurt in his eyes almost makes me regret my lack of control.

  He leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. “Yes, of course I realize that, Julia. You’re different than her.” His eyes burn with his anger. “She would have never let everyone at school belittle her.”

  His judgment stokes my anger. “You have no idea what I went through.”

  He laughs, a bitter sound that sounds wrong coming from him. “You’d be surprised how much I know.”

  I shove his chest with my splayed hands. “Really? Did you have to live with the guilt of killing your best friend, knowing that you’re the reason she’s dead?”

  He stands and stiffens his shoulders, his pupils dilating with his anger. “No, but I understand what it’s like to live with the guilt knowing I could have stopped her from going and I didn’t. I just let her go.”

  “Where was she going? Why would you stop her?”

  “She was going to meet him.” He spits out then collapses into his chair. He grabs his head in his hands. “She was going to meet him.”

  “Who?” But as soon as I ask I already know.

  Reece.

  I spin around and begin to pace. It all makes sense. Evan’s name. Reece’s name. Evan saying Reece was trouble. The Julia of this world was caught between the two.

  “It’s not what you think.” He sounds defensive.

  I turn around to face him, my anger doused by his pain. “Does it really matter?”

  “It does to me. She loved me. She was going to tell him that she wanted me.” His chin trembles.

  “It’s okay, Evan.” I sit beside him and place my hand on his. For once, I’m the comforter. “I know she loved you.”

  He begins to cry. I wrap my arms around him and he pulls me into a hug, burying his face into my neck.

  “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I’ve done this to you.” He cries into my hair.

  “I know.”

  He sits up, his face hard with anger and determination. “I’m going to make this right.”

  It’s the first time since we’ve come here that he hasn’t said his dad would.

  “I know, Evan.” My heart aches. I wonder if he knows the real danger. If I should tell him. I can’t bring myself to do it. He has enough guilt to live with and it won’t do any good. It’s not martyrdom. It’s self-preservation. As long as I ignore the possibility of my impending death, I don’t have to face the reality of it.

  And that’s when the panic attack hits. My heart pulses out of control.

  The door opens and a woman with a friendly smile pokes her head in. “They’re ready for you now.”

  I begin to wheeze, clutching at the top of my shirt.

  “Julia?” Evan’s frantic voice is in my ear.

  The woman’s mouth forms an O as her eyes widen in alarm.

  I try to breathe in and out, slow breaths, but my chest refuses to listen as tears spring to my eyes.

  “Get my dad!” Evan shouts, panic in his voice.

  The woman disappears.

  “Julia, what’s wrong? Can you talk?”

  I want to answer, but my lungs refuse to cooperate.

  “Julia!”

  Sweat beads on the back of my neck. My heart beats so hard and fast I’m sure Evan can hear it.

  Dr. Whittaker appears with two other people who rush to my side.

  “What happened?” he asks, pulling Evan out of the way.

  “She was fine then she couldn’t breathe.”

  “Panic attack.” I mouth. My head is so dizzy, unconsciousness is close behind.

  The man and woman pull me on the floor and try to push my shoulders to the floor. The thought of lying down sounds more suffocating. I slap their hands away and I look at Dr. Whittaker, my eyes pleading for him to make them stop.

  “Give her a very mild sedative,” he orders. “Not enough to knock her out, just enough to take her anxiety away.”

  “But..”

  “Do it. She’s having an anxiety attack.”

  I feel a jab in my arm and within ten seconds the drugs take effect. My heartbeat slows. I suck in a deep breath and exhale, crying. “I can’t do this. I can’t do this anymore.” I lean over my legs, burying my face into my knees.

  “Everyone leave.” Dr. Whittaker’s tone makes it clear that he won’t tolerate argument.

  I hear the door open and close and Dr. Whittaker kneels beside me. “Julia, I’m sorry you have to go through this.”

  I look up into his face, biting my lip.

  “What’s going on?” Evan asks.

  “You still don’t get it, do you, Evan?” Dr. Whittaker’s head jerks around to face Evan, his tone impatient and exasperated. “While you have gotten your own neck out of a noose by proving your value and loyalty, Julia hasn’t.”

  “What does that mean?”

  “It means that Julia’s survival is not a sure thing.”

  “Wait. You don’t mean…?”

  Dr. Whittaker slumps in a chair. “Yes.”

  “But... how… I don’t understand!” Evan backs up slowly until he bumps into the wall.

  “She can’t go back to her world, Evan. She knows too much to go back. They don’t want her world to know of our existence, and as much as I hate to say it, I agree.”

  I stiffen, trying to catch my breath through my hiccups.

  He holds up his hands. “It’s too big a risk, for both sides. Best-case scenario, she stays here, which in itself proves challenging.” He pauses and casts a glance in my direc
tion before turning back to Evan. “She looks just like Julia. She is Julia, yet she’s not her. How do we send her to her parents and your friends and explain her existence? We can’t tell the world there’s a portal to another universe. People see that Julia has come back from the dead and they’ll be clamoring to go get the people they’ve lost.

  “If word gets out that her world is better, it will be a mass exodus to cross over. Not to mention we have no idea what the effects are on either side, or the people that go through it. The cosmos strives for balance. For all we know, you going over and bringing her back could have affected the balance somehow. We have to wait and see what the ramifications are.”

  “Then keep her and study the effects on her!” Evan shouts, shoving away from the wall and standing in front of his father. “You can’t let them do this!”

  Dr. Whittaker bolts out of his seat and they stand chest to chest. “Don’t you think I’m trying? Don’t you think it kills me to think of losing her a second time? Only this time it won’t be an accident and I’ll have played a role in it. I’m doing everything in my power to save her!”

  “Then do more!”

  Dr. Whittaker’s shoulders sag. “I’m trying.”

  “Stop it!” I jump up and stand between them. “This isn’t helping anything. It’s just making it worse.” I look up into Dr. Whittaker’s face. “Is there any hope? Seriously?” I’m not sure I really want to know, but I should prepare myself.

  With weary eyes, he flashes a sad smile. “Julia, there’s always hope.”

  His words are meant to comfort me, but my back stiffens. While he may feel remorse, he admitted he sees no place for me in his world or mine.

  Dr. Whittaker walks to the door and stops. “I think we’re done for the day.” He leaves and Evan and I are alone.

  We stare at each other, unsure what to say. Finally, he closes the distance and tilts my chin to look into his face. “I will not let this happen. I swear to you on my life I will not let them hurt you.”

  I try to look away, but his hand grips my chin tighter. I look into his eyes. “Evan.”

  There’s so much I want to tell him. That I know he didn’t mean for this to happen. That in spite of it all, I’m almost not sorry. He’s the one person who believed in me and gave me hope. Hope that I could have something other than crippling guilt and depression. Would I rather have a week with him or a lifetime of despair?

  Still, anger and resentment ferment. He didn’t think about his actions, didn’t think about the consequences. Because of his impulsiveness, my life is in danger. I want to shake him or slap him, or rake my fingernails across his cheek. I want to hurt him like he’s hurt me.

  But one look at his anguish-filled eyes stops me.

  I can’t leave him with the guilt. I can’t commit him to the hell I’ve lived in for the last six months. I have the power to set him free.

  “I don’t blame you.” I whisper.

  His chin quivers and he swallows, holding back his tears. The fingers underneath my chin tremble. “How can you say that?” he chokes out. “This is all my fault.”

  “You did it out of love, even if it all got screwed up. At least I don’t have to live with the pain anymore. I’m okay with that.”

  He shakes his head slowly. “No. I can’t accept this.”

  “Evan, you don’t have a choice.” My voice breaks and I curse my treacherous emotions. I want to be brave, not fall apart and make this harder for both of us.

  He leans down and his lips touch mine, soft and tender. I taste his fear and his guilt. I know it’s not me he’s kissing, it’s the memory of his Julia, but I cling to him anyway, taking what I can get, as pathetic as it is. For all I know, it’s the last time I’ll ever be kissed.

  The door opens, but he ignores it, clinging to me.

  “Evan, you need to come with us.” A deep voice booms into the room.

  Evan pulls his head back, looking into my face, stubbornness crinkling the corners of his eyes. “Not without Julia.”

  “Our orders are to only take you.”

  His head snaps around to the door. “Why?”

  “You have permission to go home.”

  His arm tightens. “And Julia?”

  The guard clears his throat. “She’s required to stay.”

  “No. I won’t leave her here.”

  “Evan,” I beg, my heart hammering with fear. “Don’t do this. Even if you stay, we’re kept separate. I’ll see you tomorrow at the Committee meeting.” But I know he won’t be back.

  He stares at me, shaking his head. His cheeks are wet with tears. “No.”

  “Evan, you don’t have any choice. Please.”

  His arm is a vise around my back, as if he squeezes me tight enough I’ll meld to his body. “I’ll be back for you. I swear it,” he whispers in my ear.

  “I know,” I lie.

  Two men enter the room and grip Evan’s arms, and pull him away from me. I stay in place, fighting my desperation to hold onto him. It would only make it harder for Evan.

  “NO!” he shouts, trying to throw them off.

  I suppress my sobs. Don’t do it. Don’t make it more difficult for him. “It’s okay, Evan.” I call out to him. “I’ll be okay.”

  “Julia!” he screams as another man joins them and drags him from the room. He’s fighting off the guards as the door closes, his eyes locked on mine.

  My tears win out as I collapse to the floor. I want to be brave. I want to be strong, but more than that, I just want to go home and have my mom hold me in her arms and tell me everything will be okay. Everything will go back to the way it was months ago, when the worst thing in my life was Monica and I missing a huge sale at the mall.

  Dr. Whittaker finds me rocking on the floor, my arms wrapped around my legs, crying so hard I can hardly breathe.

  He kneels on the floor next to me. “I’m sorry.” His words are heavy with guilt and grief. “I tried... but the Committee has decided…”

  My head jerks up. The pity in his eyes tells me he tried to plead my case. And lost.

  I nod through my tears. “When?”

  “I thought we’d have more time, but the Committee is broken into factions. I told them we need you to study the effects of crossing from one universe to the next, that your input is invaluable. But somehow, rumors of your existence leaked out. People are already curious why the road has been closed for so long. Then there are members who think you’re a spy from your world, sent to bring harm to ours.”

  I seal off my heart, refusing to let the terror erupt. “When?”

  There’s a long pause. “Tomorrow.”

  I wait for my meltdown, to collapse into a puddle of tears, but nothing happens. Emptiness washes away my emotions.

  Dr. Whittaker clears his throat. “I really hate to ask this, but is there any way I can ask you more questions? About your parents and other relationships in your world that might be similar to some here? We know that you and the Evan in your world must have the same parents due to DNA, which is astonishing given the extreme differences in our worlds. If we can...”

  I laugh with a snort. “You’re going to kill me, yet you still want me to answer your questions? No.” I shake my head. “No, I’m done.”

  “I understand.” Disappointment tinges his voice as he stands to leave.

  “You should have been more careful,” I call after him.

  He turns around, surprised.

  “You were careless sharing the information you had with Evan. What did you expect him to do when he found out I existed in my world? He did exactly what you’re trying to keep the rest of the people here from doing, going to find the person they loved and lost.”

  “Don’t you think I know that?” His voice breaks.

  I narrow my eyes and steel my voice with anger. “Don’t you let him feel guilty about this. You tell him this is your fault, not his. He’ll never be able to live with himself when he finds out what happened to me.”

  His hea
d drops as he takes a breath. “Don’t you think I know that, too?”

  “My blood is on your hands, Dr. Whittaker. I hope you can live with it better than I did.”

  He gasps and a tortured sound emerges from his throat. He reaches for the wall.

  “Please go now. I’m done.” I look away, staring at the wall. “Just go.”

  He hesitates, his guilt rooting him where he stands. I’m sure he’s searching for the words to smooth this over, to make it easier for the both of us, but the words don’t exist. After a few seconds, he leaves.

  Two men come in to escort me to my room. Anger curbs my terror and I latch onto it, kindling the embers of fury. I walk to my cell defiant and strong, even though it’s only a mask for my fear.

  I hesitate when the door to my room opens and consider making a run for it. I’ll probably never make it, but my chances are better now than tomorrow.

  Before I can decide, one of the men gives me a hard shove on my upper back. “Get in there.”

  I stumble into the room and trip on the cot leg, landing on my knees. The door slides behind me.

  I am alone and I’m terrified.

  Chapter Nineteen

  A woman brings a tray of food but hours later, it remains untouched and uncovered. I lay on the bed, thinking about my mom. She has to be sick with worry and wondering where I am. Does my dad even care?

  Knowing I disappeared after we fought is a thorn in my side. That’s the last memory she’ll have of me, my stomping off in anger. Will she think I hate her and ran away? Will she blame herself?

  Tears burn my eyes. They roll down my cheeks and wet my pillow. I’ve moved beyond sobbing and can only muster silent tears. If someone told me a week ago I would agree to go to another universe to see my dead best friend, only to be put to death for the crime of existing in the wrong world, I would have asked if they were smoking crack.

  The ironic part is that I’d gone through all of this and never saw Monica.

  I have the worst luck ever.

  I fall into a fitful sleep filled with nightmares. Monsters in hazmat suits trap me in the corner of my cell and claw at me with giant hooks. One of them grabs for me and calls, “Julia!”

  My gut clenches. The monsters know my name.