Harlequin Historical September 2021--Box Set 2 of 2

by Annie Burrows

  And, as so often happened when he was down there by the water, under the shelter of bushes that should have been pruned back instead of being left to run rampant, he achieved a measure of calm. At least, by the time he thought dinner would be ready he felt composed enough to face her across the table. Because by now he’d worked out that whatever went on in their marriage, she was the kind of person who would not want anyone else to know about it. She’d put on a brave face for the staff.

  He marched into the kitchen, his jaw clamped so hard that he wasn’t sure if he’d be able to open it far enough to get a forkful of food into his mouth. But, as he’d predicted, she was there. So he could at least see her. Watch her. And note all the changes that one day’s work had wrought. At previous meals she’d smiled frequently, though never at him. Tonight she hardly smiled at all, and the few smiles she did bestow on the others had a brittle quality that indicated, to him at least, how much they were costing her. And instead of shooting him the occasional disdainful glance, she was hardly able to look at him at all. As though she couldn’t bear to look at him again after what she’d seen him doing the last time.

  Well, she was going to have to look at him eventually. And speak to him. Or at least listen to what he had to say. Because he couldn’t let her think that he’d willingly taken Miss Fairfax in his arms. That he’d prefer to have any other woman in his arms.

  He managed to maintain an appearance of calm all the way through the meal. But then, he’d had years of practice of keeping up a front whenever he was anywhere near her. Of concealing any signs of his interest in her lest she or anyone else noticed and mocked him for aiming too high. Or took steps to prevent him getting anywhere near her, ever again.

  But as soon as Mrs Green began clearing away the dishes from their last course, he got to his feet.

  ‘It is a fine evening,’ he said to Daisy. ‘Why don’t we go for a walk?’

  She looked up at him with a haunted expression on her face. He braced himself for the barrage of excuses she’d no doubt throw up. Excuses that he had every intention of demolishing. They couldn’t carry on as they were. He had to speak to her. Explain at least what she’d seen going on in his study that morning, if nothing else.

  ‘What a good idea,’ she said, knocking the wind out of his sails. She got to her feet and made for the kitchen door. ‘I wanted to consult with you about some things I saw in the orchard. Perhaps we could go there?’

  ‘A good idea.’ The orchard was far enough from the house that nobody was likely to come along and overhear whatever they had to say to each other. But not so far that it would become unbearable to walk the distance there whilst holding back all the things he needed to say.

  But it turned out to be Daisy who couldn’t keep her feelings to herself. They’d hardly crossed the kitchen yard before she cleared her throat.

  ‘I want to apologise,’ she said, as he put his hand to the latch that opened the gate of the walled garden. ‘For barging into your study this morning without waiting for you to say I could come in.’

  His hand seized up on the latch.

  ‘You are apologising?’ He’d assumed she’d been so willing to come out here because she couldn’t wait for the chance to rake him over the coals. ‘For...coming in without waiting for my permission?’ Didn’t she care about what she’d found him doing? Of course she didn’t care. Why should she care? Nobody had ever cared about him, so why should his wife be any different? He took his feelings out on the gate by pushing it far harder than was necessary to open it, before making a sweeping gesture with his arm, indicating that she should go through.

  ‘Yes. It was terribly tactless of me,’ she said, sidling past him warily, ‘wasn’t it? But then, I had no idea you were...’ She paused, with her back to him, sucking in a short, rather ragged breath, ‘in love with someone else.’

  ‘In love with someone else?’ He yanked the door shut and marched up to where she was standing, head bowed, apparently engaged in studying the neat row of cabbages at the side of the path. ‘I am not in love with anyone else! Is that what you thought?’ Yes, it was. But rather than act the jealous wife, she was apologising for interrupting him.

  Because she didn’t really care what he did.

  He walked a few paces away from her, his gut writhing. She thought so poorly of him that she really believed he’d play her false? In the marital home?

  He whirled round, anger finally sweeping aside the reticence he normally felt in her presence. Reticence that kept him from ever speaking his mind, lest she think him a fool or despised him. But she couldn’t think any worse of him than this, could she?

  ‘Do you really think I would entertain a lady-love with you in the house? What kind of man do you think I am?’

  ‘Well, a very unhappy one,’ she informed the cabbages, since she appeared to be unable to look him in the eye. But not even his subordinates in the regiment could do so when he roared at them the way he’d just roared at her. Perhaps he ought to...

  ‘I knew you didn’t want to marry me,’ she said, halting him in mid-thought. Not want to marry her? What the hell had given her that idea?

  ‘Well, you made your feelings very clear,’ she answered him without him even having to voice his surprise. ‘But until this morning, when I saw that it was because your heart was already engaged elsewhere, I didn’t understand. I just felt...insulted that you didn’t want to consummate our marriage.’

  ‘What? I...’ She thought he didn’t want to consummate their marriage? Where on earth had she got hold of a foolish idea like that?

  ‘No! You’ve got it all wrong!’ He paced away from her. Turned, to find she’d followed him, a perplexed expression on his face.

  ‘What have I got wrong, Ben?’

  Where to start?

  ‘You did say you wanted to leave me,’ she pointed out, while he stood there, attempting to marshal his thoughts into some kind of order, ‘to go back to your regiment...and then, when I saw you with that woman...’

  ‘Right. Let’s start with her,’ he said, taking her arm and towing her along the path to the end of the walled garden so that they could have the conversation in the orchard, as they’d planned. ‘Miss Fairfax,’ he said with a shudder of distaste, ‘is not my lady-love, and never has been. She is a neighbour. The daughter of the local squire. She must have ridden over when she heard I’d come back, I suppose, because, believe me, I did not invite her here. I had no communication with her whatsoever. She took me totally by surprise when she burst into my study and flung herself at me.’

  Daisy looked up at him with a slight frown. ‘But...you were kissing her...’

  ‘No. She was kissing me. I just...froze. As I said, she took me by surprise. Me, a seasoned soldier,’ he said with a disgusted shake of his head. ‘I had no idea I was being ambushed.’

  She tilted her head to one side, as if considering what he’d said. As if replaying the scene in her mind.

  ‘It...it does sound unlikely. I mean, why on earth would she have done such a thing? If you gave her no encouragement?’

  But she didn’t sound as though she was accusing him of lying. Rather, the tone of her voice suggested she was as puzzled by Miss Fairfax’s extraordinary behaviour as he was, and really just wanted to know what may have caused her to do it. The relief that she appeared to be willing to believe him was so great that he felt a bit dizzy.

  ‘I have been thinking about that,’ he said grimly. ‘And I believe she may have thought I was...susceptible. After all, she is very pretty,’ he said, ticking that point off on one finger. ‘And...’ he held up a second finger ‘...she knew I thought so when I was much younger. But she always made it plain that she was only interested in my older brother. But...and this is crucial,’ he said, holding up a third finger, ‘it wasn’t William himself that she cared about, I eventually learned, but his title. Because when he died, she promptly switch
ed her efforts onto my next brother, Paul, and now, it seems, she is targeting me.

  ‘She was very annoyed when you walked in. She says she had no idea I was married. Which could be true. Newspapers from London with the announcement of our marriage may not have arrived at her father’s house. Or she may not have read it.’

  ‘That makes sense,’ said Daisy thoughtfully. ‘I mean, no woman in her right mind would fling herself at a married man like that,’ she said scornfully. ‘She would have nothing to gain and all too much to lose.’

  Unless she was fathoms deep in love with said married man. Which had clearly not occurred to Daisy.

  They walked on in silence for a moment or two before she glanced up at him sharply. ‘So, if you are not in love with someone else, then why...’ She pulled herself up. ‘No, never mind. I am sure you have your reasons.’

  The fiery blush staining her cheeks reminded him of her accusation that he hadn’t wanted to consummate the marriage.

  ‘Are you wondering why, so far, I have made no attempt to, as you put it, consummate our union?’

  She ducked her head but nodded. ‘It doesn’t matter, Ben, really it doesn’t. I... I have been only thinking of myself, I see that now. I have been abominably selfish...’

  ‘And angry,’ he put in. ‘You were so angry the day of our wedding. Flinging your bouquet away the moment you could...stripping the carriage of any sign that you were a bride. Refusing to talk to me...avoiding me. What kind of man would attempt to make love to a wife who was making it so abundantly clear that she could not stomach the mere sight of her husband, let alone his touch?’

  ‘Oh, Ben, is that what you thought? I never dreamed...’ She shook her head. ‘I am so sorry,’ she said on a sort of gulp. ‘It wasn’t you at all. It was my brothers. You see, they put slugs in my wedding bouquet. Didn’t you see them dripping all over the chapel floor on my walk up the aisle? Didn’t you hear them sniggering? They...they thought it was amusing to mock me, on my wedding day. And the worst thing was I fell for it.

  ‘After all the years of dodging all the horrid things they wanted to do to me, I thought that at last, on my wedding day, they were trying to show me that they...cared about me when they brought me that bouquet, but no!’ Her pace picked up. Her skirts swished as she marched through the long grass, throwing up clouds of seeds and dust. ‘And it was more of the same in the carriage. Earwigs, and...a toad,’ she said on a shudder.

  ‘A toad,’ he said. Then lengthened his stride so that he could keep up with her. ‘Very well, I can see that it wasn’t just because you had been pushed into marrying me that made you behave so...er...angrily on our wedding day. But since then? You have avoided me as much as possible. And when we have had to be in the same room you have managed to avoid exchanging one single word with me. Whilst speaking to everyone else, charmingly. You have frozen me out, Daisy. What was I supposed to think?’

  She hung her head. ‘Exactly what you did, I suppose. That is...well, I was so cross on my wedding day that when you stayed away all night I had no idea it was because of the way I’d been behaving. I just thought you...well, I felt rejected. And so I thought, Right, if he thinks the only good thing about me as a woman is that I don’t chatter all the time, then I’ll show him how quiet I can be...’

  ‘You thought... Hang on a minute, where on earth did you get the idea that the only thing I liked about you was that you don’t chatter?’

  ‘Oh, that horrid discussion you and Walter and Horace had in the library after Jasper begged one of you to save me from eternal spinsterhood.’

  ‘You overheard it all?’ Then she had been there. He hadn’t imagined her perfume lingering in the air.

  His mind flew back to the incident, trying to recall who had said what. He remembered being sickened, angry and furious on Daisy’s behalf. He knew he’d defended her from some of the unpleasant things the others had said about her. But...all she’d taken from his defence of her had been the fact that he wanted her not to speak to him?

  He’d been trying not to give his feelings for her away. The way he always did. He may have spoken...sarcastically to try to deflect the others from suspecting the truth. Sarcasm was often his first line of defence...

  ‘Dammit, Daisy,’ he blurted. ‘If I had known you were there...’

  She shrugged. ‘Oh, well, it is too late now to change things. At least you...if you had known I was there, you may have spoken differently, and perhaps given away the fact that I was there somehow...’

  ‘Never! You know that, surely? I mean, I never did so before, did I?’

  She glanced up at him, then away. ‘No. You never did. Out of them all, you were the only one I didn’t mind...’ She trailed into silence, but he knew what she’d been going to say. Because he’d lingered, occasionally, after the others had gone away, and seen her crawl out of whatever nook she’d been hiding in. And they’d share a conspiratorial grin.

  ‘I have to repeat my apology, Ben,’ she said earnestly. ‘None of what has happened has been your fault. You were just as much a victim of the whole horrid set of circumstances as I was, and yet while I’ve behaved like a...spoiled child, stamping my feet all over the place, you’ve behaved like a perfect gentleman.

  ‘You put me to shame. I didn’t realise how poorly I’d been behaving until you came and told me you wanted to return to your regiment.’ She turned to him then, her hands clasped, and looked up into his face with eyes that swam with tears. ‘Ben, I couldn’t bear it if my behaviour drove you to go back, and you sustained some horrid injury, or even, as you hinted, d...’ She gulped back the word as though even to say it was too awful. ‘I don’t want to be a widow, Ben. That is...’ she shook her head as though in exasperation ‘...I don’t want anything bad to happen to you. That is what I came to your study to tell you.’

  ‘You came to tell me you...don’t want to be a widow.’

  ‘No! Well, yes. But I mean I don’t want you to go away. Oh, Ben, I know I’ve been a beastly sort of wife. I know you wouldn’t have chosen to marry me even if you’d been looking for a wife, but...now that I know you aren’t in love with anyone else, couldn’t we...try...to make the best of things?’

  Make the best of things? Was that the best offer she could make him?

  He paced away from her, running his fingers through his hair in a kind of anguish. Marrying her should have been like a dream come true. Though he’d never dared allow himself to so much as dream of it, had he? She was so far out of his reach, in every way.

  And now, hearing her say she was prepared to make the best of things... Why wasn’t he jumping for joy? Why couldn’t he simply gather her in his arms and laugh, and say, yes, why not? And then take her to bed, and pretend that it was easy, and casual, and didn’t matter to him one way or the other?

  Because it would be agony, that was why. Knowing that while he was fathoms deep in love with her, all she was doing was making the best of things.

  He’d feel like a beggar, gratefully accepting the scraps she chose to throw his way. He’d feel like a spaniel, following his master’s every move with hopeful eyes. He’d feel like...like he always did. Waiting for approval, for love, from people who would never, ever give him what he wanted.

  ‘Ben?’

  He heard the tremulous, hopeful sound of her voice, but he couldn’t turn round and face her. Not with his emotions in such turmoil.

  So he did what any soldier faced with insurmountable odds would do. He retreated. Deeper into the orchard.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  Daisy watched the slumped set of his shoulders as he walked away, her stomach hollowing out. What if he decided he didn’t want to try to make their marriage work? She wouldn’t blame him, not after the way she’d behaved so far. He must be thoroughly disgusted with her.

  She clasped her hands to her waist, where she felt so hollow, even though they’d only just had their ma
in meal of the day. If only she’d taken more notice of Mother’s little homilies as she’d been growing up. Mother had offered all sorts of advice about how to win a man’s heart. Advice she’d scorned, since she’d judged all men by the behaviour of her brothers and come to the conclusion that they were all beastly creatures. And she hadn’t wanted to marry any of them if they were going to treat her the way Father treated Mother. She hadn’t wanted to have some man telling her what to do and expressing disdain when she didn’t live up to his standards. Father had been a rather disapproving, rather strict father, but at least he had left her alone if she’d gone and sat quietly somewhere, with a book. But a husband, she’d suspected, would not.

  But now...now she didn’t want Ben to leave her alone. Oh, if only she’d tried to learn some of the attitudes Mother had kept telling her to try during her Season, instead of concentrating on freezing men away. Then she might have some notion of how to get her husband to want her, the way she wanted him.

  And, yes, she admitted it to herself now. She wanted him. She’d been intrigued by his body when she’d seen him naked in the moonlight. Fascinated by the way his muscles had rippled when he’d been rowing her across the lake. Become positively heated when Mother had told her what she might expect on her wedding night.

  And stricken when she’d seen another woman kissing him. Furious. Jealous. All those things she’d never thought she could feel about a man. And it was no use telling herself that it was merely a proprietorial thing, because Ben was her husband and he had no right to break his vows so soon after making them. She rather thought she’d have felt the same if she’d seen him kissing someone else even if they weren’t married.