Girlology: A Girl's Guide to Stuff that Matters

by Holmes M. D. , Melisa;M. D. , Patricia

  And pushy guys are all about what feels good for them. They are all about getting what they want, and they’ll keep pushing and pushing you until they get it. If it’s not what YOU want, you need to set clear limits. Speak up fast and loud and tell him to STOP. Otherwise, you’ll end up feeling bad about the experience and losing respect for yourself . . . we won’t even talk about his respect for you, because there isn’t any if he pushes you beyond what you are comfortable with. He is definitely not a true love. He’s not even worthy of being a boyfriend.

  So When Does a Boyfriend Become a True Love?

  Now there’s a tough one.

  There are zillions of poems, songs, descriptions and explanations written about love. People talk about love all the time—and they associate it with things like your school, your country, music or art. There is also love for people like your family, your friends and unknown people in need all over the world. We even say we “love” something like an ice cream flavor, a girlfriend’s shoes or a movie, when we mean that we really, really, really like it.

  But what we’re talking about here is capital L, real, live, soul-mate romantic love. This is the kind that leads people to get married and take care of each other for better and worse, for richer or poorer, for life. Rarely is true love something a teenager, even a mature one, actually experiences. But it IS something you work toward during the trial-and-error phase of crushes and first (and second and third . . .) boyfriends.

  Here’s our favorite description of it:

  Love is patient and kind. Love isn’t jealous and doesn’t brag. It isn’t rude or crude. Love is honest and trusting; it seeks the truth and looks out for the best interests of others. Love doesn’t hold grudges, but gives second chances. Love is hopeful and long lasting and totally, incredibly awesome (taken from 1st Corinthians 13 with our own two cents thrown in).

  Learning about true love also means that you are preparing yourself for “Mr. Right” before you even meet him. You are determining your values so you will recognize a guy who shares values with you. You are developing your own plan for sexual involvement with crushes, boyfriends, your true love and the one you might marry.

  You are also becoming more and more independent, more of your own individual with strong opinions, talents, interests, goals and dreams. True love means he respects your individuality and you respect his. You encourage each other to “be yourself.” You encourage each other to do things with family and friends independent of each other.

  True love means making and respecting sexual boundaries and being able to say no to sex when that is what is healthy for you. Besides, true love lasts forever, right? So remember, you have lots of time. Enjoy the long process of growing and learning more about each other as you develop and mature.

  Healthy Relationships

  Think about true love and boyfriends. Every now and then a boyfriend might turn into a true love, but too many times, crushes or boyfriends turn out to be not so wonderful. Look at the following scenes and decide whether it is a sign of a healthy (on-the-way-to-true-love) or an unhealthy (never-gonna-get-there) relationship. Why do you think that?

  Healthy The Scenario . . . Unhealthy

  He wants you with him all the time and gets angry if you want to spend time with your friends.

  You feel comfortable talking to him about what you do and don't feel comfortable with sexually.

  He makes all the decisions about where the two of you hang out and what you do.

  You want to introduce him to all of your family.

  You feel like he doesn't listen to the things you talk about, but he talks about himself all the time.

  He gets in a fight after school with another guy who was flirting with you.

  You feel angry when he tells you that he doesn't like holding hands in public.

  He respects your need for privacy

  When you are hanging out in a group of friends, he gets a laugh out of "making fun of you" in front of everyone.

  You tell your girlfriends every move he makes and the secrets he shares with you.

  He does thoughtful things for you, and is respectful to your parents.

  You feel like you need to impress him by buying and wearing certain clothes, even though they're not really "you."

  You can talk to him about your fears or your beliefs or things that matter to you.

  Sometimes a guy is fun and cute and great about letting you be yourself, but he’s lacking in other areas, like he may not be so cool around your parents or your friends. Guys are guys, which means they aren’t perfect. So you don’t have to hold yours up to an unreachable standard. But we do think that girls with Girl Power should be able to spot a good guy when they meet one (or as they get to know one), and can pick out a bad one, too.

  Red Flags

  And there are some bad ones out there. Ever heard of “red flags”? Red flags are big-time warnings, the equivalent of a red card in soccer, meaning “out of the game—now!” In relationships, you have to watch for red flags. Here’s a list of red flags to help clue you in to an unhealthy relationship should you hook up with a bad, or even dangerous, guy. These are things that should be a deal breaker, no excuses allowed . . . out of the dating game—now!

  Is he overly jealous? (Remember, love is not jealous, so don’t fool yourself into thinking he just likes you SOOO much if he gets jealous too easily.)

  Does he get angry if you even talk to another guy?

  Does he make you feel guilty if you do things with your friends or your family instead of him?

  Does he use crude or disrespectful language when talking about girls or women in general?

  Is he mean to animals?

  Does he like to start fights or act like he will?

  Does he blame you when he gets angry?

  Is he EVER physically rough?

  Does he use insulting words toward you or your friends?

  Does he embarrass you in public?

  Does he push you to do things sexually that you are not ready for?

  Does he cheat or steal or use drugs?

  Protecting Yourself

  Some of this sounds scary. We don’t want to scare you about relationships, but we do want you to know what can be lurking out there. Plus, if you want to figure out what true love is like, it helps to know what it’s not like.

  We’re sure you know by now that some guys out there are “real losers,” and we can’t always control or stay away from them. Nobody can protect herself from all bad things, but you can keep yourself out of some risky and dangerous situations. As you gain more and more independence, this list of ways to protect yourself becomes more and more important:

  • Get out of a relationship that has a red flag.

  • Never accept a ride from a guy or man you don’t know very well.

  • Never experiment with drugs or alcohol around guys.

  • Never agree to go alone to a guy’s apartment, room or house.

  • Don’t accept a drink from someone if you don’t know him well or aren’t sure where it came from.

  • Never, ever agree to go by yourself to meet someone in person whom you have met on the Internet.

  • Do not give away any personal information on the Internet that would allow someone to locate you (name, address, phone number, school, location of after-school activities, etc.).

  Enjoy Your Boyfriend

  Now that we’ve gotten the “evil boyfriend” information out of the way, let’s get back to the good guys. There are lots of them out there! If you are spending time getting to know guys’ interests, talents and values, it will be easy to pick out the good ones. And the good ones are guys who can be friends and boyfriends!

  When you find a good guy, boyfriends can be a blast! We still remember the first time our boyfriends surprised us and held our hands, the first time we slow danced and the first kisses we ever had. These are all occasions and feelings to cherish. We bet you’ll remember them for a lifetime, too, so enjoy your boyfriend no ma
tter what age you are, just make sure you stay in control!

  Crushes

  Crushes can be sort of strange and unexpected, too. Like when you have a crush on an older guy you might not even know, or maybe a teacher or a coach or the drummer from the local high school rock band. Or, of course, celebrities— with all their glitz and glamour and sex appeal—might infatuate you. Girls can even have a kind of “crush” on another girl, too. That doesn’t mean you are gay. A crush is just someone you idealize and want to be around, someone you want to know more about, someone who sometimes makes you do silly things. As you get to know them better (if you do—sometimes you never even meet the person!), a crush may turn into a good friend (guy or girl) or a boyfriend.

  The End

  Of course the flip side of the fun of boyfriends is the fizzle. As a middle or high schooler, you’ll learn that all good romances (and hopefully the bad ones!) will come to an end; it’s part of this trial-and-error phase of growing up. You will develop new and different interests or realize that there are lots of other “fish in the sea.” And you should! This is the natural course of things for teens. But sorry to say, that doesn’t make it any easier when the breakup happens. The old-school song says it best, “Breaking up IS hard to do. . . .”

  How do you handle it when your boyfriend “breaks your heart”? Do you hate him, become spiteful and talk bad about him to all your friends? We hope not. How do you break it to him when you’re the one calling it quits? Get a friend to do your dirty work for you? Just start giving him the cold shoulder while you flirt with other guys? We hope not. If your relationship is based on respect and friendship in the first place (and we hope it is), then a breakup should be done with respect, too. It’s still gonna hurt, but if you do it right—in a way that is gentle and gives as many honest reasons as you can—then your friendship will survive. Even though guys try not to show it, they have feelings and they get broken hearts, too.

  Remember, this is still trial-and-error time. You’re going to make some mistakes (and he is too!), so think about what worked and what didn’t, what hurt more than it should have and what you might be able to do differently next time, so that breaking up gets easier. Maybe these tips from experienced heartbreakers will help:

  • If you’re the one doing the breaking up, and you see it coming, give a few gentle hints to lead up to it.

  • Be honest!! Don’t make up excuses or blame him for things that aren’t true just to make it easier for you. It’ll backfire in the end.

  • Go easy on him. No need to spread rumors, burn bridges or rub noses in the dirt.

  • If he’s the one who calls it off, don’t let your hurt turn into anger. Spite never healed a broken heart.

  • Be patient with yourself. You WILL get over it, all in good time. Use it as an opportunity to reconnect with family, girlfriends or guy friends you may have ignored more than usual when you were busy with your boyfriend.

  • If he starts going out with one of your good friends, try to be understanding. Keep your friendship and their relationship separate. It’s not about you anymore!

  The bottom line is, how you handle a breakup situation says a lot about how you handle relationships in general. Your level of maturity, honesty, trustworthiness and kind-heartedness is an important part of your reputation among guys and girls. Nobody said it’d be easy, but it’s always easier to do it right!!

  Choices to Make!

  You are not likely to find true love in your teen years, especially your early teen years. But you do get to have some fun practicing at true love. You do get to feel the excitement of crushes, enjoy getting to know guys as friends and love interests, and feel the first urges of sexual desire.

  This is a time full of choices you get to make. And making choices that protect your body, your heart and your emotions will increase your power—your Girl Power!

  You get to choose how you will get to know a crush better. You get to choose what physical things you will do with a boyfriend. You get to choose the good guys and leave the bad guys behind at the first sign of a “red flag.” Remember that you are “in training” for the day when you will meet your real true love. Learn, remember and enjoy every minute of it!

  12

  When Is What Okay?

  This is an awesome, powerful, exciting time of your life. As a young teen, your body is changing, your feelings are changing, your thoughts are changing, your relationships are changing, guys are changing. You are up for the challenge, aren’t you? Remember those two big tasks you must complete before you become an adult? The first is becoming independent. The second is figuring out “who you are.” In this chapter we will work on figuring out who you are. That means figuring out what you value.

  Values are things you consider important. They are principles, ideas and beliefs that help you make decisions. Each person should live her life according to her values. And if you are true to your values, your values will guide your behavior.

  It works like this. If you value a clean environment, you don’t pollute. If you value honesty, you tell the truth. If you value your health, you don’t smoke cigarettes. It’s easy to stick to your values when it’s convenient, like when telling the truth doesn’t get you in any trouble, or the trash can is right next to you, or your friends gag every time they smell cigarette smoke.

  But values are things that don’t change even if they aren’t easy to follow. So to be true to your values, you’ll have to keep the environment clean even when the trash can is all the way on the other side of the park. You’ll have to tell the truth even when it makes you look bad. You’ll have to turn down cigarettes even when the most gorgeous guy in school flips out a pack and offers you a smoke.

  Sticking to your values when it’s hard is called building character. And it’s not easy! How much fun is it to tell the truth when you are the one who will get in trouble? Or lug your trash all the way across the park when everybody else is darting off to the basketball court? Or turn down cigarettes when the cool girls say it looks sophisticated?

  It’s difficult. But at the end of the day, you can look yourself in the mirror and say, “You know, that was tough, but I stuck to my values and that feels good!” It’s a choice you make, tough or easy. And it’s a great way to practice your Girl Power!

  What Do I Value?

  All of this is to say that values are important! They are the foundation of that deep question, “Who am I?” And you are at the perfect age to start answering that question! You don’t have to know for certain what you want to be when you grow up, where you will go to college or who you will marry. But you do have to start thinking about how you want to act and what you think is important. You do have to think about what you value.

  Deep stuff, huh? But you really already know a lot about values. Your parents, your grandparents, your other family members and other caregivers have taught you values your entire life. You have also learned from teachers, religious leaders and coaches along the way. Take some time and think about the values you have already learned. Pay attention. Write them down. Keep a list.

  Remember, values are ideas and principles plus action. So if your parents value education, they make sure you complete your assignments every day and discuss your subjects with you. If your grandmother values the arts, she takes you to art exhibits, concerts and recitals. If your religious leader values loving your neighbor, she takes you to the soup kitchen to serve people less fortunate than you. Bet you’ve learned more than you thought!

  The Friend Factor

  You are still learning a lot about values from the adults in your life, but as we said at the beginning of this book, things are changing! Now that you are an adolescent, you are paying more attention to your friends and other teens who may not have the same values you do. Your friends with other values will challenge what you believe in. That’s when it’s most important to understand your own values. If you are not sure what your values are, look to your family and the people who care about you to
help you decide. Check out that list you’ve been keeping!

  There are some values that should be universal. That means that most everyone in the universe agrees with them. Obviously, there will always be crazy, mixed-up people, like criminals and tyrant leaders who don’t fit in to “our” universe, and that’s why they seem crazy and mixed up, because they don’t follow the values that normal people live by. For example, we can probably say that most people value the Earth, fairness, justice, safety, freedom and relationships with others.

  There are other values that depend on the individual and are neither right nor wrong. What’s important is what your values lead you to do. For example, a lot of people value money. This can sometimes cause problems, like if they start to steal to get more money. But valuing money can be good, too. Think about the wealthy person who donates large amounts of money to build houses for homeless people. That’s cool, and nobody would say she was a bad person for valuing money.