Nobody Can Say It’s You: A Hadley Pell Cozy Mystery

by Green, Jeri

  “Onus decided we both should rise early this morning to greet the sun,” Hadley said. “You want some coffee? I’m on my second pot.”

  “Boy, he did get you up early,” said Lou Edna.

  “Well, not that early,” said Hadley. “I just love my brew. I haven’t decided if I’m addicted to the taste of good java or the caffeine.”

  “I know what you mean,” said Lou Edna. “I drink it strong and black all day at the shop. Without it, I think my face would hit the floor around three o’clock. But listen, girlfriend, I need to tell you what’s got me riled up! My nerve’s are strung tighter than a piano wire stretched across the Grand Canyon. I am just fit to be tied, Hadley! Fit to be tied!”

  “Sit down, then,” Hadley said. “And tell me about it.”

  “I was on my way home last night,” Lou Edna said. “It was pretty late.

  I had dressed up, you know, real nice. You know me. Best foot forward. Well, anyway, I had on my favorite pink rhinestone cowboy boots and a pink satin shirt and the purtiest pair ‘a rhinestone jeans you ever laid eyes on. I’m hear to tell you, girl, I was sparklin’ like the New Year’s Eve ball in Time’s Square.

  “Anyways, me and a friend had decided to go out for a beer at Southern Sadie’s. You know, girl’s night out. That kinda thing.

  “Anyway, Ora Lavelle, that’s who I was with, got called away. She came back to the table with this sheepish look on her face. Seems Buster got home from his long haul run a day early and wanted her to get her hiney home pronto, but I stayed late because Cal Orvelle was singing country songs up on that little stage they have at Sadie’s.”

  “Cal Orvelle!” said Hadley, “I didn’t even know he was still kicking.”

  “Yeah,” said Lou Edna, “not too high, but high enough. You know he’s still a silver-haired fox, Hadley. I was surprised. I really was. I mean, I was like you. Cal Orvell has been around the block a time or two or three or four. But he looked good up on that stage. He really did.

  “Old Cal always did not how to dress. Remember, we called him ‘Knock ’em Dead, Cal.”

  “I remember,” said Hadley. “He is the only man who loved rhinestones more than you.”

  “He still does,” said Lou Edna. “Cal’s passionate about ’em. If I was the ball at Time Square, then Cal is like the explodin’ fireworks of Hong Kong. I felt kinda tawdry, Hadley, compared to Cal.

  “He had one of his shiniest outfits on. He sure did. And with that silver hair, up on that stage with his favorite guitar, Bessie Lee, well, I’m here to tell you, girlfriend, he ain’t lost one ounce of sex appeal, that ole boy ain’t.

  “I really didn’t know what to expect when I first heard Cal was gonna headline at Sadie’s. I’d heard the liquor and the years and the women had done a number on him. That his vocal chords, and everything else about him, wasn’t what it used to be. But I’m here to tell you, he’s still got it.”

  “But ain’t he older than Adam, Lou Edna?” Hadley asked.

  “Probably,” Lou Edna said, “by a coupla’ hundrit years, but I don’t care. I wouldn’t mind wakin’ up to that sexy face anyday!”

  Hadley laughed.

  “You know, though, if it ain’t the strangest thing,” Lou Edna said. “Ora Lavelle gave me a ring last night, late. I’d only been home, oh, I don’t know, 30 minutes or so. She said she went home to an empty house. She said she called Buster, and he told her he was right on schedule. That he was still about a day and a half out, but that he missed her like heck, ’n’ when he got home, they was gonna make whoopee till the cows came home. Ora Lavelle said Buster’s like that when he’s been away from her for a spell. She don’t know what she likes better, the lovin’ reunion or Buster’s big paycheck.

  “She asked Buster if he’d tried to get hold of her ’cause she was out with me. She said Buster acted kinda shocked. He claimed he never called her, but I don’t know. Maybe he did it to make sure Ora wasn’t misbehavin’ while he was out on the road. But I don’t know why he’d do that. Ora Lavelle ain’t never been nothin’ but a saint while Buster’s on the road. You’d think that she was a cloistered nun or something. About twice a year, she’ll agree to go out with me. To Sadie’s or some place like that, you know. But always with other women.

  “She might let her brother take her to Piney Woods for a barbecue, but as far as I ever heard tell of. Ora Lavelle only does that if Purcell brings Gladelle and them two little girls.

  “You know, I heard that Gladelle was finally gonna go and get her some affordable dentures!

  “Ora Lavelle says she likes Gladelle good enough. Can’t fault her none on how she keeps them pretty little girls clean and neat. But Ora Lavelle says it is a cryin’ shame Gladelle ain’t got her no teeth, after all these years. She was a fine lookin’ gal ’fore she got pyorrhea. That rhymes with diarrhea, don’t it?

  “Anyway, Ora Lavelle says it is a real burden to have to go to Piney Woods or church suppers with Purcell and his family.

  “Gladelle likes to sit right across from Ora Lavelle whenever they set table together, you know. Not to the side, which I guess wouldn’t be so bad, but right straight acros’t from poor Ora.

  “Ora Lavelle says that Gladelle is a chatterbox. She says she’s always been one to talk, which wasn’t so bad before the pyorrhea swolled up her gums, ’n’ her teeth started droppin’ out one by one. Ora Lavelle says that Gladelle’s a tonguer.”

  “I know I’m gonna regret asking,” said Hadley. “A what?”

  “A tonguer. You know, when somebody uses their tongue a lot, shovin’ it out ’n’ such, when they eat.”

  “Oh, Lou Edna,” Hadley said, “it’s awful early for this.”

  But Lou Edna was on a tear.

  “Huh?” Lou Edna said, but it was just a sputter. Her brain was engaged, and her racing motor mouth was at top speed.

  “Ora Lavelle says that by the end of the meal, she looks like she’s been settin’ acros’t from one of them big Everglade boats. You know the kind. The ones with them humongous fans hooked on their rumps. They sort of just float atop the water. Crank up that fan, ’n’ boy howdy, do they take off.

  “She says that sittin’ acros’t from Gladelle while she’s eatin’ ’n’ talkin’ a mile a minute is like bein’ at the butt end of a sausage fact’ry chute with that big ole Everglade boat fan set on high speed. She says it’s especially bad when they go to some place like Piney Woods. That barbecue is chopped in the tiniest pieces, ’n’ Ora Lavelle says Gladelle spews like Old Faithful with a mouthful of mush.

  “It ain’t purty.”

  “Uh-huh,” said Hadley, who after her second pot of coffee, and little else, was turning slightly green.

  But Lou Edna did not seem to notice.

  “Ora Lavelle swore to me on a stack ‘a Bibles that Buster didn’t call her. I was there, Hadley. Ora Lavelle was paged. Well, not paged. But Sadie did waddle over with that big old white towel she wears acros’t her shoulder, I guess that thing is a wipin’ rag, I don’t know. But, like I said, Sadie comes over to our table ’n’ bends down low ’n’ whispers to Ora Lavelle that she’s got a phone call.

  “At first, I thought Sadie was gonna kick us out. Me ’n’ Ora Lavelle was laughin’ ’n’ carryin’ on ’n’ havin’ us a good-ole girl kinda time. But that wasn’t it at all. Ora Lavelle got up ’n’ went to the bar. She talked on the phone. Then, she said she had to leave.

  “I can’t put two and two together. It’s strange to me. Course, it is loud in Sadie’s. With some of the acts she has there sometimes, loud is all you get. But, I dunno.

  “It bothers me like all get out. But I guess in a world ‘a big things, that ain’t no real big thing.’ Ora said she guessed she got her wires crossed, but I wish I could make heads ’n’ tails of it all.”

  “Maybe Ora’d had too many beers,” said Hadley.

  “Maybe,” said Lou Edna. “Anyway, I was nursing my beer. Ora loves it, but I definitely think beer is not my drink. I’da whole lot rather ha
ve a good strong cup of coffee, but Ora says that ruins the atmosphere for her. Ora says she could drink coffee at home on the porch and smoke a corn cob pipe, so I just go along and order one beer to make her happy.

  “Cal was good, though. Like I said. He was up on that stool with that teeny spotlight shinin’ off his bald head, so purty. Needed my sunglasses from where I was sittin’, but brother, did he sound good. He was putting a twangy, heartbreak ending on ‘Lonesome Honky-Tonk Lover’.

  “You know that’s my all-time favorite song of his. And my beer mug was empty so I decided to call it a night. I went out to the parking lot. It always gives me the creeps, you know. It looks like after all these years in business, Sadie would spring for a better setup.

  “That gravel lot is right next to the woods, and the lighting ain’t worth writin’ home about. You can hardly see your hand in front of your face on a full moon night!

  “Anyway, like I said, I was out in that spooky, old lot out back behind Sadie’s, and I heard somethin’ in them woods. If she ain’t got about the thickest tree line around her place, I don’t know who has. It’s like a dern jungle back there.

  “There was somethin’ heavy-footed walkin’ ’round out there. I was prayin’ it was just a deer. Lord knows, I was not in the mood to meet Big Foot.

  “But it didn’t bound off in the woods like one, you know?

  “That got me thinkin’ and worried, more than a little bit, I mean to tell you. Them foot steps kept getting’ louder ’n’ louder. I didn’t know whether to scream ’n’ try to scare whatever it was off, say I had a gun pointed its way, or what. The gun thing would have been a lie, but if it was man and not beast out there in them woods, I thought the gun lie was my best bet. You know my little purse is silver and in that dim light, I thought I just might pull it off.

  “By that time, my heart was in my throat, and wouldn’t you know it!”

  ‘What!” said Hadley.

  “I dropped my car keys!” said Lou Edna. “Can you believe that! Of all the dumb luck, not to mention what a time to get the clumsy fingers. I just wanted to sit in that dirt lot ’n’ start bawlin’, but I was so afraid, I could hardly catch my breath.

  “Anyway, I fumbled with them keys.

  Dropped them darn things right there in the dark! I was fit to be tied! I was cussin’ ’n’ crawlin’ around, mad as all get out ’cause I dirtied up the knees of my best jeans, ’n’ I just knew I was gonna meet my Maker if I didn’t find them things quick!

  “It felt like I hunted around for them for years, but I fin’ly found ’em. Broke two nails in the process. Lord knows what my hair looked like by then. I don’t even want to think about it. I was really in a state!

  “Like I said, I finally brushed up against the darn things, and I snatched onto them for all I was worth. I grunted and fin’ly got up from my knees.

  “When I stood up, who do you think I was lookin’ at, right square in the eyes?”

  “Who?”

  “I liked to jumped clean outta my skin. It was Dara Elanor!” said Lou Edna “Of all people! I’da never thought I’da run into her out there in that dark back parking lot. But there she was. Dara Elanor in the flesh.”

  “What in the world was she doing off the mountain at Sadie’s at that time of the night?” Hadley asked. “And how do you know it was Dara, Lou Edna, and not Chandra Elanor? I swear I couldn’t tell Dara from Chandra if my life depended on it? Those are two twins look exactly alike to me.”

  “Well, it ain’t that hard, Hadley,” said Lou Edna. “I asked her which one she was.”

  “I wouldn’t think Dara Elanor could escape Granny Dilcie’s eagle eye. But kids are like raccoons. They can get out whenever they want to, I guess. What was she doing out at that time of the evening?” Hadley asked. “It was really late.

  “You said it, girlfriend. I asked her that, too,” said Lou Edna. “She said she was lookin’ for her boyfriend. Seems like they had had some kind of knock-down, drag out fight over some girl that’s been hangin’ ’round the cabin makin’ moon eyes toward him. You know how kids are at that age. Between the jealous hormones and the high level of pent-up energy kids have, I guess it’s a miracle any survive into adulthood.

  “Dara thought he might have took the girl to Sadie’s for a night on the town. I guess when you live that far back in the sticks, Sadie’s seems like some kinda’ right swank digs.

  “Anyway, I told Dara that me ’n’ Ora Lavelle had been there since about six-thirty ’n’ I ain’t seen hide ner hair of no young mountain boy nor no moon-eyed girl inside that joint. Only ones in that bar were the over-40 crowd like you ’n’ me. Sadie’s ain’t attracted the younger ones since the Nineties!”

  “You got that right,” said Hadley. “And I think it’s been about that long since I darkened Sadie’s door.”

  “Well,” said Lou Edna, “you ain’t never been much of a one for night life. Your talents lay in lots more refined activities like hittin’ the hay early ’n’ sawin’ logs in your sleep.”

  “Oh, hush up, Lou Edna,” Hadley said. “What did Dara say?”

  “She thanked me, real polite like, then she disappeared back into them woods. Turned ’n’ ran back into that black night ’n’ jungle like a sleek gazelle. How in the world she didn’t break her neck in the dark is a puzzle I’ll never figure out.”

  “Young eyes,” said Hadley. “It makes a difference. Plus, those twins have lived out in those woods long enough to have become kindred spirits with Nature.”

  “Umm,” said Lou Edna. “That must be it. Whatever it was, she took off like a shot. I’da ran three feet ’n’ got tangled over my own two. But that ain’t what I wanted to tell you.”

  “It’s not? Then, what have I been standing here ten minutes in this kitchen waiting for?”

  “I think I saw Button Dudley on the way home!” squealed Lou Edna.

  “Oh, you did not!” said Hadley. “Stop joshing me. He’s stiff as a board on a slab at Bowey Hill. Bill says they haven’t released his body yet. You were seeing things. You just miscounted on those beers you drank at Sadie’s. Too much fun punch does me the same way. It would curl your hair naturally if I told you some of the things I thought I saw when I was tipsy.”

  “No, Hadley. I only had one,” Lou Edna said. “I swear.”

  Lou Edna swallowed hard. She was obviously upset. The corner of her left eye danced a nervous jig.

  “My eyes always jump when I’m too excited,” Lou Edna said, touching the corner of the mascara on her eye with her manicured, pink fingernail.

  “Take a deep breath. Relax,” said Hadley. “Tell me what you saw, Lou Edna.”

  “I was still shaken about dropping my keys and thinking the booger man was going to get me. I was trembling like a leaf. There was Dara Elanor coming right out of nowhere. It was spooky. Eerie. Totally unexpected, I tell you. It’s a wonder I didn’t faint dead away right there in that parking lot.”

  “Well,” said Hadley, “there’s your explanation. You were still pumping adrenaline and overwrought. You just thought you saw Button. You already said you were expecting to be attacked by the booger man in the dark parking lot behind Sadie’s. What you thought you saw was just a product of your overactive imagination.”

  “No, it wasn’t,” said Lou Edna.

  “Tell me,” said Hadley.

  “I was still so mad at myself for droppin’ them car keys. I swear I remember thinkin’ that it was just like somethin’ you see in a horror movie, you know, right before the girl gets trounced by the monster.

  “There you are, sitting there watching the movie, eating popcorn, and yelling to the screen, ‘Don’t go in there, Stupid! Run! Go back! Don’t open the door!’ And what does that foolish girl do? Just the opposite of ever’thing you’ve sat right there in that gummed up seat and told her! She goes and opens the door and runs right into the ax- wielding maniac who’s standing on her front porch!

  “Anyway, I fumbled with the key and unlocked the door.
The paint around the keyhole looks like somebody attacked it with a nail. Maybe Brinkley can polish out some the scratches for me down at the station. I sure hope so. I made a mess of that door, Hadley.

  “I think it took me a half-dozen tries to get the thing in the ignition once I got into the car. I was still shaking like I had Saint Vidas Dance. I eased out of Sadie’s parking lot. That thing is nothing but Pot Hole Alley! The one or two pieces of gravel she put down has long ago sunk in the mud and disappeared.

  “At least it hadn’t been raining. I would have been axle-deep in mud if it had. Anyway, I was drivin’ real slow. It was dark as pitch. It was either cloudy as all get out or a new moon. I dunno. The night just seemed to close in on me. I was afraid I’d have a panic attack. It just felt so dark and claustrophobic in the front seat of that car.

  “I swear I had my high beams on, but they didn’t seem much brighter than a candle’s flame. It was like a fog of black just ate up the light and made it hard to see. Felt like I was driving through crude oil.

  “I was making the turnoff onto the hard-surface road out of the parking lot when I saw it. I don’t know what it was. It was tall, like Button, dressed in black. It had a black hood just like the one Button wore. It was shiny. Real shiny. That’s what I noticed first. All black and shiny.

  “I was blinded for a second by the glare the outfit threw from my high beams. It had a white face. I saw that much. Well, the neck at least. I didn’t see the features. It had a black cloth over its face with eye holes cut out. It stood by the road and spread its arms.

  “I was so scared! I screamed bloody murder. Right in the car. I don’t know how I kept from wettin’ my britches, but I did. I floored the gas pedal and squalled rubber and beat the bushes for the hard-surface road. I sped all the way down the mountain. I’m lucky I didn’t wrap that car around a tree. But I made home. I was never so happy to see my driveway in all my life! I ain’t never been so frightened in all my life neither!”

  “You were still shaken from seeing Dara Elanor,” said Hadley, “in the parking lot at Sadie’s.”