Nobody Can Say It’s You: A Hadley Pell Cozy Mystery

by Green, Jeri

  “Lou Edna, we ought to have our heads examined,” Hadley muttered as she grabbed her purse. “You for all your superstitions and me for letting you talk me into this. With my luck, I’m bound to run into the Queen of England looking like something the cat drug up.”

  Hadley got her keys.

  “I’m driving,” she told Lou Edna. “Dressed like this, anybody seeing me in the passenger’s seat might think you were taking me to the hospital. At least behind the wheel I only look half crazy. Not totally looney.”

  “Suits me,” said Lou Edna. “The last thing I need is a fourth flat tire way up in the sticks. I don’t think Dilcie’s got cell service out there. Brinkley would never find us with his tow truck. I ain’t too good at smoke signals.”

  “Smoke signals?” Hadley said.

  “How else am I gonna send Brinkley a S.O.S. if we broke down in my car?”

  “Lou Edna,” Hadley said, “try to be a little more optimistic, will ya? I mean look at me.”

  You lassoed me into this gallivant, Lou Edna. I look like who flung dung. I’m here. We’re getting to Granny’s just as fast as I can. Now, be happy.

  Lord, please don’t let me break down in the middle of nowhere and have to walk home looking like a skid row bum whose popped out on the wrong side of the bed, Hadley prayed. This was one instance when fancy pajamas and a nice fine robe might be nice. Oh well. Old flannels and Harry’s worn out robe was the best she could do, today.

  Dilcie wouldn’t mind, Hadley thought. She wasn’t a frill and lace kind of woman anyway.

  Hadley and Lou Edna made good time. Hadley was on the lookout for animals that might be in the mountain roads so early in the morning. She was mainly worried about deer. She didn’t see any. That did not mean they were not nearby. Only that she didn’t see them.

  “When we get there, Lou,” Hadley said, “be sure to knock on the door three times. Exactly three times. Then, go in and tell Granny what you want.”

  “Oh,” Lou Edna said, “I’m not goin’ in. I have no intention of goin’ in.

  “Now, let me get this straight,” Hadley said, “we’re gonna drive all the way out to Granny’s and do what? Sit in the car and wait till the cows come home?”

  “No, silly,” Lou Edna said. “You’re gonna go in ’n’ ask Granny to make you sumpin’ special for me.”

  “I’m going in looking like this,” Hadley said.

  “Sure, Hadley,” Lou Edna said. “One look at you ’n’ Granny Dilcie’s bound to give you anything you ask. I mean you are a sorry sight. Plum pitiful.”

  “Thanks a ton, Lou,” Hadley said.

  “Okay,” Hadley said. “We’re here.”

  The old cabin was surrounded in the misty blue fog that often veils these mountains.

  “This air feels like a buncha hawgs runnin’ ’round with sticks in their mouths,” Lou Edna said. “Don’t dawdle, Hadley. You’re libelst to catch your death of cold dressed like you are.”

  Hadley gave her friend “a look” but kept quiet. She got out of the car. This winter was indeed a cold one. She pulled the collar of Harry’s robe tighter around her neck. She heard it rip. Another hole in her wear-and-tear robe. It was rotten, and she knew she’d have to discard it soon, but not today, she told herself. Not today.

  She walked quickly up to the porch. Lou Edna didn’t have to worry about any dawdling from Hadley. You dawdled much this morning, you’d freeze your fanny off. She knocked three times.

  The old granny witch answered the door. If Dilcie was surprised at Hadley’s attire, she never let on.

  “Come in. Come in, chile,” Dilcie said. “We been expectin’ you.”

  Hadley said nothing. She and Dilcie had been friends for many years. Hadley had driven her own mother up here many times before she died to get some of Granny’s remedies. Her mother always loved to come see Dilcie. They’d sit on the old lady’s porch and talk about old times for hours.

  Dilcie might even be kin to Hadley. The ties between families in this backwoods were tangled and tight.

  “I had a feelin’ I’d be layin’ eyes on you soon,” Dilcie said. “I knowed this ain’t fer ya, but I made it extra spe’shul ’cause it’s fer one you hold dear.”

  “Thank you, Granny. I didn’t have time to bring you anything from the larder, but I promise I’ll come soon and see you.”

  “You don’t owe me nuthin’, chile.”

  “I know, but I want to give you some canned goods from my pantry. If I don’t clear some space, they’ll be no room to add more jars next season. All I ask is that you save me the jars.”

  “We will do that, Hadley.”

  “Give me a hug, Granny. And thanks for not screaming when you opened the door. I know I look a sight.”

  “A sight for sore eyes, chile. It ain’t the robes he wears that makes the man, but what’s in his heart that proves his worth.”

  “I’ll see you soon, I promise. And who knows, I might even bring Beanie up with me when I come.”

  “How is he?”

  “Fine as frog’s hair since you fixed him up, Granny.”

  “Glad to hear it.”

  Hadley walked back to the car and got in.

  “Did you get it?” Lou Edna asked. “I been jumpier ’an a grasshopper on a hot coal.”

  “Here,” said Hadley. “Made with Granny’s blessing.”

  “That was quick,” Lou Edna said.

  “Granny was expecting us,” Hadley said.

  “And you don’t hold no stock in these,” Lou Edna said, smiling when she emptied the bag and saw her very own hag stone staring back at her from her lap. “Boy howdy, I’m gonna put you on right now and never take you off.”

  Hadley started the car.

  “You know,” Lou Edna said, “I ain’t never had no college education, but I swear right now, I’d rather have this little rock hangin’ from my neck than a dozen sorority keys.”

  “What will your gentleman friend have to say when he sees that stone around your neck?” Hadley asked.

  “He won’t say nuthin’ when I tell him it’s thought to be THE MOST POTENT virility mojo on the mountain,” said Lou Edna.

  “But those things have nothing to do with virility,” Hadley said.

  “Ain’t you the one always harpin’ on how powerful the power of suggestion is?”

  “Yes,” said Hadley. “I guess I am.”

  “Well,” said Lou Edna, “let’s just say I’m only suggestin’. But I bet that little bee I put in his bonnet makes a powerful difference in our love life.”

  “You’re wicked,” said Hadley.

  “Don’t I know it, girl,” Lou Edna said, rubbing the charm that hung around her neck. “Don’t I know it!”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  They pulled into Hadley’s driveway.

  “Thanks,” Lou Edna said. “I owe you.”

  “Big time,” Hadley said. “Let me see if I can get back into the house before the neighbors call the asylum to alert them of a possible escapee.”

  “Call me,” said Lou Edna.

  “I will,” Hadley said, walking briskly to her back door.

  It was the cold, she told herself. Just the cold. That was what put the spring in her step. Not the fact that she looked like terrible.

  A quick shower and a change of clothes made all the difference in the world.

  Hadley had just finished feeding Onus and cleaning his litter box when her cell rang. She washed her hands and grabbed a paper towel.

  “Hello,” she said hoping the caller was still there. She had been in such a hurry to answer, she hadn’t checked caller ID.

  “Hey, Hadley, I’m so glad I caught you,” Ruth said. “I am short-handed at the shelter today. I was wondering if you could possibly help me out. I know it’s short notice, but Tobias Jennings has been bitten by a spider. He’s had to go the hospital. His wife Bonita called and said he was going to be okay but he has to stay in the hospital for a couple of days and can’t come over and help with
the animals.

  “Bonita told me she’s furious with Tobias. She’s told Tobias to stop using the old outhouse. She’s begged him to tear it down. They’ve had indoor plumbing for years now, but he’s stubborn. Bonita said he kept telling her he liked the privacy of the privy.

  “She said tonight she is going to pour gasoline over the old building while Tobias is away at the hospital and burn it to the ground.”

  “Sounds like a bonfire at the Jennings’ house. Maybe we should get some marshmallows and some sticks and go over for a roast,” Hadley said. “On second thought, I don’t think I want any roasted marshmallows with roasted poop fumes on them.

  “But I can’t say I blame Bonita. Tobias has no business sitting in that old thing. He could catch his death of pneumonia, not to mention the spiders. It’s been really cold lately.

  “Sure, I can come over. I was looking at another long day of boring myself.

  “Could use a change of scenery, and I miss having someone to talk to.

  “Well, you know I talk to Onus but his only reply is to either ignore me entirely or start licking obsessively. I don’t think he finds my conversation about as stimulating as watching ice melt.”

  “Great,” Ruth said. “And don’t mind Onus. I have a sneaking suspicion cats think they are far superior to humans anyway. They surely don’t need us as much as we think we need them.”

  ‘”Ain’t that the Gospel,” said Hadley, hanging up with Ruth.

  Onus meowed.

  “Well, speak of the Devil, and here he is in orange fur.”

  Hadley looked at the tabby staring at her from his roost under the kitchen table.

  “I hope you weren’t eavesdropping, Onus. Anyway, if you were, you know I will be going over to the animal rehab for awhile to help Ruth out. I hope you won’t miss me too much.”

  Onus made a snorting noise and bent his head down. He stretched out his back leg and with toes pointing straight out and started vigorously licking his bottom. Hadley chuckled and went about throwing together a snack for lunch. With everything in her brown bag, she grabbed her purse, and locked the back door.

  She drove down the service road of the abandoned amusement park. The eerie clown’s head was smiling at her. She always felt those eyes were following her. Silly, she knew. But there was something strange about that head. She’d always thought so. Goosebumps ran down her spine as she remembered her encounter with a drug-crazed man trespassing in the park. She took a deep breath, let it go, and muttered, “Courage, old girl.”

  Pulling up to the box, she buzzed the security gate and waited to be let into the center. The gate opened, and she parked her car. Walking to the center, she saw her guardian goose, Sprat, peeking at her from between the legs of a huge cement black bear. Bending down on one knee, she made kissing sounds with her lips.

  The goose waddled over to her, and Hadley reached into her pocket for some cabbage leaves she had brought with her from home. He gently took the leaves from Hadley’s outstretched hand and daintily nibbled at them.

  “You’re looking mighty fine today, my fearless, feathered friend,” Hadley said.

  Sprat would always hold a special place in her heart, right beside Harry and Onus. He had saved her by attacking the spaced-out guy holding a knife to her throat.

  After he finished eating, she bent down and extended her neck out so the goose could entwine his neck around hers. It was their special way of greeting each other. The goose made soft sounds in his throat as Hadley gently rubbed his chest.

  “Thanks for saving me, Sprat.”

  The goose ambled off, and Hadley made her way into the center.

  “Hello, Hadley,” said Ruth. “I have a strange request for you today. Instead of working with me, I was wondering if you would go out in the woods and gather up as many acorns as you could find. I am nursing a couple of injured raccoons who would need to eat a lot of acorns in order to store up enough fat to get them through the winter.

  “I have a couple of baskets here if you don’t mind going hunting. Since the acorns have fallen from the oak trees, they should be easy to find on the ground. If I had a store of acorns, I could supplement the raccoons’ diet and help them put on the extra weight they needed when they are ready for release.”

  “I don’t mind at all,” Hadley said. “Maybe I can find Beanie, and he can help me. We could gather twice as many acorns as I could by myself.”

  Hadley took her brown lunch bag and Ruth’s baskets and made her way back to the car. She headed over to Memorial Gardens hoping to find her friend there. She passed under the arched entrance to the cemetery and parked her car on the side of the small roadway that wound through the plots.

  She got out of the car and listened. Gazing over the vast cemetery, she did not spy any large funeral tents. She didn’t hear the backhoe’s motor running. Since it was winter, she did not expect to hear the buzz of the weed-eater or the hum of the lawnmower. She set out toward the small shed on the side of the property where the mowers and tools were stored.

  The shed door was ajar and she heard the faint moan of an old time country legend wailing out a song about doing time and dreaming of the one he loved. Beanie was sitting on a tall stool. His head was bent down. He seemed to be in deep concentration. With her free hand, Hadley knocked three times on the door frame hoping not to startle her friend with her surprise visit.

  “Hey, Beanie,” she said.

  Beanie looked up and smiled.

  “Hey,” Beanie said. “What are you doing out here in the cemetery? We ain’t burying nobody today.”

  “I’m glad I found you,” said Hadley. “I was hoping you could help me out with a little project for Ruth, down at the animal center.”

  “Sure,” Beanie said. “Harvey gave me the rest of the day off. I was just sitting here trying to puzzle out something I found today when I was clearing off some old limbs and leaves that had blown off a tree with last night’s storm. I think I may have given myself the beginnings of a my-brain. My head is starting to hurt a little because I just can’t for the life of me figure it out.”

  “What’s bothering you Bean?”

  “I cain’t rightly tell you, Hadley. But, I can show you if you want,” Beanie said.

  “Okay,” said Hadley.

  They exited the shed.

  “The reason I’m here is to ask you if you want to help me collect acorns for some injured raccoons down at the shelter,” Hadley said. “Ruth says they need to eat a lot of acorns to build up their winter fat so they can survive the winter when food is scarce.”

  “Yeah, sure,” Beanie said. “I like to help the animals all I can. I know where there are a lot of acorns here in the cemetery. They’re where those big old oak trees shade the graves in summer. Right yonder by that tall stone. I’m always gathering them up because if I don’t, I make a terrible spectackle of myself. I had to learn the hard way. When I mow over them, it’s like a machine gun going off. The blades catch them and sling them all over creation. I only made that mistake one time, I can tell you.”

  “I’ll just bet you did,” said Hadley.

  “Do you think those raccoons will mind eating cemetery food, Hadley?”

  “No I don’t think they would,” Hadley said. “Acorns help them live through the winter. I suspect raccoons and squirrels aren’t too particular about where their dinners come from. All they know is that they’ve found food to keep their bellies full.”

  “That makes sense,” said Beanie.

  “Oh,” Hadley said, “I got some lunch in the car. You know me, Bean. I always pack way too much. I’m gonna need you to help me eat it. So, don’t fuss, okay? I’m counting on you to help me so it doesn’t go to waste. I’m not like the raccoons, Bean. I don’t need to be putting on extra fat for the winter.”

  “Sure, Hadley, I’ll be glad to help you out. And after we get up all the acorns, I’ll show you what’s been bothering my brain.”

  Hadley followed Beanie to the plots where the giant
oak trees stood over those taking their eternal rests in Memorial Gardens. The acorn crop was a big one. They wandered under the oak trees gathering acorns until their baskets were full.

  “Well, Beanie, I think these will make Ruth happy.”

  “I hope they make the ’coons happy.”

  “Let’s take these and put them in the car, Bean. You wouldn’t think a basket of acorns would be so heavy.”

  While they were at the car, Hadley suggested they may as well eat a bite while they were there. Hadley tore open the paper bag and made a picnic on the trunk of her car. After eating, she rolled up the bag, placing it in the backseat floorboard for disposal in her trash can at home.

  “How’s your headache, Beanie?”

  “It’s gone. I think I forgot about my puzzling because I was too busy looking for Miz Ruth’s acorns. It was kinda like hunting for Easter eggs. I’m glad it’s better. I don’t like for my brain to hurt.”

  “Okay, then, show me what was causing your my-brain.”

  Beanie and Hadley set off for the far eastern corner of the cemetery. There stood a lone, white stone mausoleum with the name WARDLAW carved across the lintel of the doorway.

  “That storm knocked a bunch of limbs off of that maple tree beside this grave house. I was clearing them out and I noticed this,” Beanie said, pointing to the mausoleum door that stood slightly ajar.

  “I think the WARDLAW ghosts escaped last night and forgot to shut the door behind them. They must have been in an awful hurry to leave that quick and forget to close the door. It happens to me sometimes when I sleep too late in the morning and I have to rush out to the cemetery. I forget to shut the door.I’ve found two squirrels, four chipmunks, and a green snake in my house when I got back home for supper. I’m just glad I’ve never found a bird in the house. You know what they say about that. It means somebody is gonna die.”

  “Well, Beanie, I don’t know how a ghost would push open a door. Aren’t they supposed to be able to just float through doors and walls?”