From This Day Forward

by Shannon Myers

  I frowned, “I understand that real life is not a fairy tale, and I feel like my Prince Charming did rescue me—from myself. It’s just lately though, that I feel like I’ve been dropped over the side of a cliff while he yells, ‘Sorry—you’ll have to save yourself now!’ I feel like I got ripped off. Landon is exciting in that he pays attention to me and cares about what’s going on in my life, I don’t have those kinds of feelings for him though.” In reality, my words couldn’t have been farther from the truth. No need to admit to anything now though.

  She tapped a finger against the side of her journal. “While I believe it is unintentional, this behavior is self-harming. You are setting yourself up for a very big fall and I don’t know that emotionally you’ll be able to handle it when the time comes. Are you willing to risk losing your marriage and most likely your friends for a ‘relationship’ with Landon? And what if he’s only in this because of the thrill of being with a married woman?”

  I was dumbfounded, “I don’t know, I haven’t even considered leaving my marriage. He’s just been a friend. I love David.” I grabbed another tissue as a fresh round of tears began.

  “I’d like to put you on some anxiety medication. It just seems highly impulsive for you to seek out a new friendship, especially with a member of the opposite sex. Medication might help with handling the anxiety

  “I don’t know that I need to be medicated—I don’t think that my friendship with Landon began on impulse.” I was uncomfortable with where this was going. I began chewing on my lower lip and tried to focus my attention on the large clock hanging on the wall behind her head.

  She regarded me thoughtfully, “I want to place you on medication temporarily and I want you to promise me you’ll take it. I know I cannot tell you what to do, but I think it would be in your best interest to sever contact with Landon for the time being. You need to step back and re-evaluate the path you’re choosing. Inside of you there is a stronger woman, waiting to rise from the ashes—one whose value isn’t tied to any man.”

  I left her office after promising to follow her instructions and we made an appointment for the following week. I took the rest of the afternoon off to try and sort my thoughts. My phone alerted me to a text when I pulled into my driveway. It was David.

  “Beth, how’d it go at your appointment? I hope she gave you some good advice. Just wanted you to know I miss you and I’m thinking of you.” My eyes filled with tears. Maybe the impenetrable fortress he’d built around himself was coming down.

  I replied to him, “It went well. Thanks for checking in on me. I’m counting the days until you get home. Love you more.”

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  I’d managed to avoid Landon’s texts for the first two weeks after my appointment. I didn’t know how else to deal with him. I started on my medication and was working on journaling my feelings. Most of the time, I’d write my thoughts down and then immediately run them through the shredder, paranoid that someone would find and read them.

  David started coming home every Friday evening and staying until Sunday. I felt like I was finally regaining some semblance of stability in my life.

  Jess was mostly unavailable, dealing with her divorce. We were still texting on and off, but thankfully, she’d given up on me quitting my job to open my own smoothie bar.

  Landon showed up unexpectedly at my house on a Wednesday evening. David wasn’t due in for two days and I had fallen asleep on the couch. I could tell he was frustrated when I opened the door. “I’ve been trying to reach you for the last two weeks. I was worried about you when I didn’t get a response. Are you okay?” His voice caught and I thought I saw a tear in the corner of his eye.

  “I’m fine—I’m sorry. My therapist said I needed to take a break from,” I gestured to him, “this. I think she’s afraid of that line becoming blurred.”

  He sank onto the arm of the couch. “She’s right. I know how it must seem—a single man and a married woman—look, there’s another reason I stopped by. Katya is moving back to Lubbock and we’ve reconciled. It’s probably better if we don’t talk after tonight, but I couldn’t walk away without explaining why. You deserve that much.”

  I felt as though a knife had been twisted in my gut and I had to remind myself that I’d wanted this to happen. I’d wanted Landon to meet someone that made him happy because I could never imagine my life without David. I struggled to clear my thoughts.

  “I’m happy for you, Landon. Really, I am. You’re a great guy—you’ve been my rock over the past six months, but maybe it is time we went our separate ways.”

  We hugged each other and then he was gone while I was left to sort out the confusing feelings he’d left me with.

  Things were pretty much the same over the next month; with the exception that David was becoming more frustrated by my inability to become pregnant. I knew he was beginning to think one or both of us might have fertility issues.

  We began to bicker about it when he was home until I lost it one night. He was sitting on the couch researching fertility clinics in the area when I finally worked up enough courage and reached into my purse before tossing the birth control pills onto his lap. I whispered, “This is why we’re not getting pregnant,” and braced myself for the storm that was inevitably coming. He stared dumbly at the plastic packet before slowly looking up at me. He stood up and while his voice remained eerily calm, he didn’t mince words.

  “What the hell is wrong with you, Beth? Why would you do this? What else have you been lying about?”

  “David, please, it’s not like that,”

  “Oh Beth, then enlighten me, by all means.” His voice had taken on a sarcastic tone.

  I pressed my fingers to my eyes, willing the tears to ease up so I could speak. “You’ve just taken on all these jobs out of town. You want to start a family, but you’re never here. Since you lost your dad, it feels like everything I do is wrong in your eyes. I didn’t want to admit I wasn’t ready to have a baby and have you more disappointed in me. I’m so sorry, David.”

  He shook his head in disgust and without saying anything further, grabbed his keys off of the island and went out to the garage. I heard his truck roar to life as he backed out of the driveway. Then he was gone, the red taillights of his pick-up the only thing visible in the inky darkness outside. I sat on the couch and wept. I was so tired of fighting and lying every month when the tests came back negative.

  Now, I needed to prepare myself for divorce papers as it was inevitably going to happen. Maybe I should Google “Divorce in Texas”. Marriages had ended over less than this. We hardly saw each other and when we did; his phone was the only thing interrupting our arguments. I heard him stumble in some time later and head down the hall to the guest room. I pulled the covers up over my head, burying myself and my regrets under them.

  When he approached me with an envelope a few days later, I had to bite back a sob—I knew it was divorce papers. I was completely taken aback when I realized that there were two tickets to Cabo San Lucas inside. “Beth, I know we didn’t get to celebrate our anniversary back in May with everything we had going on, and we’re going through a bit of a rough spot right now, but I really think a getaway would be good for us.” He left it at that, with no mention of me being on birth control. It seemed as if he wanted to forget the fight even happened.

  We spent a week in Cabo with no cell service and I realized why I fell in love with him. He was so incredibly intelligent and could make me laugh so easily. Being with him like this was comfortable and it made our problems back home seem easily solved. When I had him, one hundred percent, I felt like we were unstoppable.

  When we got back, David and I spent the holiday season with family and friends. He made a conscious effort to take more jobs in town during this time so we became accustomed to seeing each other again every night.

  We spent a lot more time together and I found myself becoming more open to the idea of having a baby together. I talked to him about it and we both de
cided I should stop taking my birth control pills in February so we could start trying.

  That’s not to say that it was all sunshine and rainbows. Money was still a big concern, with David bringing home huge paychecks one month and nothing for the next.

  March brought more out of town jobs and I began to see less and less of my husband. At Dr. White’s urging, I brought my concerns up to David only to be met with resistance, “If we’re going to have a baby, I need to take these bigger jobs to cover those costs. Please understand, I’m doing this for us!” I felt as though I would splinter from the back and forth between us, yet I recognized how hard he was trying to make us work.

  Every night consisted of the same thing, David deserves better. David deserves more than this. You deserve more than this. I repeated it over and over in my head until exhausted from the emotional stress, my body slipped into a dreamless sleep.

  Jess picked up on my distractedness and questioned me on it. I lied and told her I was having a hard time dealing with my inability to get pregnant and missing David. She didn’t seem convinced, but let it go.

  Such a tangled web we weave.

  I also felt like I was going through the motions at work while my mind tried to compartmentalize everything that was going on in my personal life. It didn’t take long for Lauren to notice. She confronted me by the copier one day.

  “Who died?”

  I looked at her, “What are you talking about?”

  She was clearly becoming frustrated, “You! You walk around here like you’re in a dream and I figure someone you love must be dying.”

  I lowered my voice, “Look, I don’t want to talk about it here. Can we go to lunch somewhere?”

  She nodded, “Sure, let’s do that. Now, I really need you to get back to work. We’ve got an issue with the schedule for next Wednesday. Doc’s going to be out so we’ll need to move those appointments.” How could I let my personal life get in the way of next Wednesday’s schedule? I managed to keep my snarky remark to myself—just barely.

  We sat across from each other in a nearby deli after a whirlwind of a morning at work. I’d just spilled my guts to Lauren and, to be honest, she looked a little shell-shocked.

  “How—why? I don’t understand. I thought you and David were happy.”

  “We were—he’s just been out-of-town five days a week and I’ve been lonely. I don’t even know how to begin cleaning up this mess. I don’t want to call up Landon, but my husband won’t return my calls.”

  “You have your friends here to help you. I want you to take the rest of the week off and sort this out. I’ll cover for you.” She seemed so determined that it rattled me.

  “Why are you being so nice to me? I didn’t think you liked me all that much?”

  “Of course I like you! You’re my friend. I know I can be hard on you, but it’s because I know how much you’re capable of. Let me help you—anytime that you’re thinking of texting or calling Landon, reach out to me instead and I’ll drop everything.”

  I debated telling her about how I’ve been using her contact as a cover for Landon already, but decided against it. Hey, she just admitted that she liked me, no need to burn that bridge immediately.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  I awoke the next morning to a text from Lauren, “Hey, just had a thought. Why don’t we grab dinner tonight? I’d offer to cook for you, but you know that I don’t know my way around a kitchen. So, you pick and I’ll meet you there.”

  I smiled and quickly responded, “I’m in! Meet you at Crafthouse around 7?”

  “Perfect—it’s a date.”

  I saw that I had a missed call and voicemail from my mother as well.

  “Sweetie, it’s your mom. Listen, I heard the oddest rumor today. Your dad and I were getting groceries when we ran into Shirley. You remember Shirley; we play cards together once a month. Well, she said that she heard from her neighbor, Jean that you were out without your wedding ring and with a man who is most certainly not David. I told her she was mistaken; that our little girl would never do that. I do hope you’re being good to David. Anyway, call me back and let’s get together for brunch next Sunday-the four of us. It’s really been too long.”

  When Landon and I were together, we’d gone to late movies and obscure bars where the odds of us being recognized were slim. We’d met for coffee once, the most public thing we ever did—I guess it took the rumor mill long enough to circulate that news back to my parents. Just when you think it can’t get any worse. Now I remember why my parents despise me.

  I got dressed for dinner and tried not to think of the voicemail my mother left. I tried singing along to my favorite songs, meditative breathing—it wasn’t working. How’s that saying go? I have ninety-nine problems and ninety-two of them are made up scenarios in my head that haven’t even happened, yet I’m freaking out for no logical reason—I think that’s right.

  What if she calls David? What if this all falls apart even though I ended it with Landon? What if they hate me and disown me? I turn the music up louder in an effort to drown out my thoughts.

  I made it to the restaurant a few minutes before seven and found a cozy booth back in the corner. Lauren walked in a couple of minutes later. After glancing over the menu, she looked up at me.

  “So, you never told me how you ended it with Landon or how he reacted.”

  I glanced around to make sure no one heard her. “I just ended it. I quit calling him when David and I got back from Mexico. He showed up one night after we got back.”

  She gasped and then glared at me.

  “Before you get upset, nothing happened. He wanted to let me know that his ex-girlfriend was moving here. It was pretty apparent he thought we were through. I knew it was coming, I can’t say it didn’t hurt though.

  She opened her mouth as the server came and took our drink orders. We both ordered unsweetened iced teas. She waited until he was gone. “So, Landon was just fine with everything being over? From what you’ve told me about him, he doesn’t seem like the type to just be done.”

  I started picking at my paper napkin ring, “He could be very intense at times, but he’s in love with his ex. He made that pretty clear.”

  She lowered her voice, “Elizabeth, the guy calls you repeatedly for two weeks only to tell you he’s not into fucking you anymore? You swear that you didn’t hook up for old time’s sake?”

  I was given a temporary reprieve when the server brought our drinks out. After informing him that we needed a few extra minutes, Lauren turned her gaze back to me, “Let’s go, Greene. No more stalling.”

  “I swear, Lauren. Nothing happened. You’re right and I’m going to be a better person, even if it kills me.”

  She laughed, “If I have to move in with you when David’s out of town to keep you safe, I’ll do it.”

  We finally ordered food, much to our server’s delight and Lauren began teasing me about David. “So, have you ever gotten him to dress all grungy and posed him with a cross-bow in his hands? I think you need a picture of that for your desk.”

  We collapsed in a fit of laughter and I found that I was truly looking forward to spending more time with her. We parted with plans to meet at the gym the following night so Lauren could get me into “fighting shape” as she called it.

  I realized when I got into my car that I’d lost track of the time and it was almost ten. I also saw three missed calls from my mother. She was persistent. I bit the bullet and called her back.

  She answered on the second ring, “Elizabeth? Honey, please tell me what’s going on, It isn’t like you to avoid my calls.”

  I swallowed the lump in my throat, “Hi, Mom. I’m fine. It’s just been a little rough lately.”

  It was so quiet on the other end of the line that I was worried that my cell phone dropped the call. “—Mom?”

  I heard a small sigh, was she crying?

  “I’m here. I’m so sorry… we had no idea you two were having problems. It’s true then? Are you having an
affair?” She was crying so hard that the last word came out as a squeak.

  “Mom, calm down. Let’s get together and talk—not over the phone, please.”

  I pulled into my driveway and opened the garage.

  “Elizabeth Marie, you tell me the truth. I deserve that much.”

  I walked into the house and kicked my heels off in the kitchen before heading into the bedroom to get out of my dress. I took a deep breath, “Mom, it’s not what you think. It was a mistake and it’s over now.” Instead of heading into my closet for a t-shirt, I made my way into David’s closet. Just breathing in his scent calmed me down and I chose the denim pearl snap shirt he wore the night we met and put it on over my underwear.

  “—Mom? Please say something.”

  She sniffled again, “I’m just shocked…”

  I opened up my closet to hang up my dress and then left the bedroom. I wasn’t even listening to my mom anymore as I walked into the living room and switched on a lamp. The curtain on the front window was flapping in the evening breeze. I hadn’t left any windows open when I left for dinner. My heart began to race. Someone was in the house. And they didn’t bother to hide that fact. Take a deep breath—in and out.

  I tried to keep my voice steady, “Mom, I have another call coming in. I’ll call you back in the morning and we’ll plan a time to sit down. Just—don’t call David, please.”

  After ending the phone call, I began going room to room, checking every window. The back guest room window was shattered and it gave me chills knowing that someone had free reign inside my house without me being there. I need to call the cops. I need to see if anything’s been taken. Thank God I watch Investigation Discovery so I know these things.

  I pulled my cell phone out of the shirt pocket and stared at it blankly for a moment. I needed to text Lauren, but I was struck with the fear that I’d been texting Landon earlier. I checked the numbers and realized I was actually texting Lauren. Could he have broken in? Who else would have known I was out to dinner? Someone’s watching me.