Here Be Sexist Vampires diyv-1

by Suzanne Wright

  I huffed. “Do you always interrupt people mid-sentence?”

  His mouth curved up on one side. “British,” he observed in an approving tone. I quite liked the South Californian twang to his American accent too. After a short pause, made uncomfortable by how much he was staring, he said, “You’re new here. Who is it you’re working for?”

  “Depends how the tryout goes.”

  “Tryout?”

  “For the legion.”

  He looked taken aback but didn’t miss a beat. “Tell me you’re kidding.” His grin was mocking. “Tell me you’re not here hoping to try for a place in the legion.” When I didn’t say anything he laughed. “Let me give you some advice: run along home.”

  “Why? Because I’m a girl?”

  “Yes.”

  What an arrogant little sod. I folded my arms across my chest and snorted. “Are you for real?”

  “Listen, this isn’t a cheerleading squad. You don’t get points for being pretty. It’s some serious shit which is why a girl has never been accepted, and never will be. There’s no place for a female in the legion.”

  Sebastian had failed to mention the past lack of success for females. I had to wonder just how widespread this misogynistic view was in this place. “You do know it’s not 1735, don’t you?”

  “I’m just stating a fact.”

  “No, you’re blurting out a prejudiced opinion.”

  He shook his head. “Even if you were a guy, I’d be telling you to go home right now. For one thing, going by the fact that your skin-tone isn’t very pale, I’d say you’re only a few years old and that’s just not enough experience as a vampire for you to have a chance at landing a spot in the legion. Plus, no Sventé vampire has ever had any success with the tryouts.”

  Sebastian had failed to mention that as well. A man of few words, apparently. “So you’re prejudiced against women, young vampires, and against another breed of vampire. I bet you’re a delight to have around.”

  “Take my advice; don’t put yourself through the embarrassment of going to the tryout, just go home.”

  Before I could yell at him for being a sexist sod, he had shrugged past me and disappeared through the patio doors. A little shocked, I slowly returned inside just as Sebastian was coming to summon me.

  “Ready?”

  I considered telling him to stuff it, that it wasn’t worth it. But I knew I could handle myself and my gift well. It was too tempting to attend the tryout just to irritate the bigot Pagori. “Ready.”

  I marched behind Sebastian down the corridor again until we reached another set of patio doors, much more extravagant than the last set. We then walked along a narrow cobbled path that zigzagged throughout the well-maintained garden en-route to an outbuilding which, I soon realised, was actually an enclosed arena. Inside, the ground resembled a large horse paddock; a sandy floor with the letters A – D representing North, East, South and West.

  Also inside was a line of blokes. About fifteen in all.

  “Sam, you need to join the line,” said Sebastian. “I’ll be observing from there.” He indicated with his hand to what looked like a glass VIP spectators’ box. “Good luck.”

  And then Sebastian was gone, and I was alone. Alone because each and every one of the blokes looked at me like I was a leper when I joined the line. There were titters and snorts and whispers and gasps of amusement. I ignored it all and stood still, calming my irritated self and trying to anticipate what the test may be. Probably duelling, I decided.

  The only advice that Sebastian had given me was to wear something that would promote flexibility; hence why I was dressed in my black sweatpants, a white t-shirt with a white sports bra underneath, and my pump-slash-trainers. I’d tied my long dark hair back in a high ponytail to keep it from falling around my face.

  While I tried to get my head in the right place, another four blokes entered. They joined in on the ‘laugh at the girl’ crap. All in all now there were twenty of us. And I was the smallest. And the only female there. And the only Sventé there. Oh joy. Five were Kejas, the rest were Pagoris.

  After approximately a further ten minutes three blokes strolled in, all carrying an air of authority and power, and everyone immediately went silent. The interviewers, I guessed.

  The first was a Keja, extremely tall and bald with dark skin that had paled slightly due to the vampirism. He was all elegance and composure. The second was a well-built Pagori with a studious gaze and tousled auburn hair. At total variance to the first bloke, he was casually dressed in jeans and a ‘Life Sucks Then You Become a Vamp’ t-shirt. The third bloke was also a Pagori...and the sexist sod from earlier. He spotted me and smirked evilly. Ah crap. If the final decision came down to him I was definitely going back home.

  But I refused to be intimidated or made to feel unsure of myself so I straightened my posture and arched a sardonic brow at him. He didn’t like that, he looked away, sniggering.

  Folding his arms, he began pacing in front of the line of potential recruits as he spoke in an authoritative, clear voice, “Alright, everyone, listen up. I’m Commander Jared Michaels. Beside me are Commander Will Norton” – he gestured to the casually dressed Pagori who nodded wearing a half-smile – “and Commander Lou Sherman.” The Keja bloke also nodded.

  Jared the Bigot continued, “As has already been explained to you, our Grand High Master wishes to replace his squad of ten that was recently annihilated. I will be commanding that squad.” He looked hard at me with those words as he passed. It turned out that he was, I’ll begrudgingly admit, just as appealing when dressed as when semi-naked. He was made even more alluring by that knee-length black, Matrix-style leather jacket he was wearing. Why couldn’t he be ugly? Then maybe need wouldn’t be tugging at me. Now that his hair was dry I could see that it was a lovely shade of chestnut. I’d love to rag every strand of it out.

  “There have been four other tryouts before this one,” he told us, “and I now have three spaces left to fill. Hopefully I will feel that three of you meet the criteria for the squad.” He halted in front of me as his gaze flicked over each vampire in the line except for me. “You’ve all been selected for one reason or another. Maybe it’s your strength, maybe it’s your fighting skills, maybe it’s your gift. But if you can’t control your bloodlust then all of that means nothing to me.”

  He signalled at someone sat above the spectators’ box and then suddenly gas began pouring out of hoses that were protruding from the roof. No, not gas. Worse. Various scents of blood now circulated around us, shooting up my nostrils and making my head swirl. And now, even though I usually didn’t have an overpowering bloodlust, I was incredibly thirsty.

  “In any kind of battle, blood will be spilled,” said Jared. “This is what it will feel like to be on a battlefield, varying blood scents will be swirling around you. It is important that you can still be focused and alert and controlled, and that you can resist your bloodlust.”

  I didn’t glance along the line of blokes but I could feel the nervousness and anxiety among them; feelings that amplified as Jared brought over a human. I didn’t even see where he came from. He had thin lines of blood slowly dripping down from a bite mark on his neck and heading toward his bare chest.

  “You,” called Jared, signalling to one of the blokes in the line. He ushered him over and then had him stand in front of the human. It was apparent that the Pagori bloke was mesmerized by the sight, but he did nothing other than tremble a little. After about thirty seconds Jared nodded at him to move away. The bloke exhaled heavily as he went. Jared then selected another bloke, then another, and another.

  I, unsurprisingly, was left till last.

  By the time Jared called me forward to stand before the human the blood was dripping down his legs. A year ago I would have been as mesmerised as some of the others had been. I might even have stepped toward the human for a quick taste just like two of the other blokes had. Needless to say they were now on their way home. But with Victor as your Sire
, life was gory. You got used to it or you went insane.

  Jared didn’t look pleased by how I stood still; not trembling, not swallowing hard, not squeezing my eyes closed, not trying to hold my breath like some of the other blokes had. A mischievous smirk surfaced on his face as he used his forefinger to collect a little from one of the ribbons of blood trailing down the human. Jared then tried teasing my nostrils; wafting his finger right under my nose. The teasing didn’t work, which didn’t please him. He brought the finger toward my lips, hoping to tempt me to at least try to lick it off. But I didn’t. Even though my body was curious and thirsty, I gave no reaction to Jared’s teasing. Instead, I held his gorgeous hazel eyes with a defiant stare. At last he dropped his hand, sighing loudly.

  “The next part of the tryout is going to test you physically,” he announced to us as I returned to the line. He signalled with his hand for us to all follow behind him. He led us outside and over to a small forest which was made up of trees that were varying shades of green and looked beautifully exotic. Scents of wildlife immediately hit me. I wondered if the vampires here ever hunted the animals. I’d never tried them myself.

  “Hey...you really think you can pass this?” asked a bloke who was now walking alongside me. He said it as though he believed I was mentally challenged. Apparently this Pagori found my presence here just as ridiculous as what Jared did which was a shame really because he was actually a good looking bloke and I didn’t want to think of him as a wanker. His mousey hair had been shaven to stubble, and the style suited him really well, giving him quite an intense look. His blue eyes were shining in amusement as they appraised my slender figure that didn’t even have a muscle to pull. His smile was cheeky but warm.

  “Don’t tell me you feel threatened by a woman.”

  “Hey I believe in equality and all that, but there’s no way you’ll pass this.”

  “Enough talking,” snapped Jared at us, stopping still where the trees began. A group of vampires – all male, typical! – had been there waiting. By their posture and respectful bow of the head to Jared, I guessed that they were members of the legion.

  Jared informed us, “Your aim in this task is to reach the end of the forest in the fastest time that you can. Three things you need to know: one, you can’t step on the floor. You can use the trees, logs, rocks...but not even once can you step foot on the ground. Number two: you are not permitted to use your own unique gifts, this is all about your strength and speed and agility. Yes, before you ask, I do have people watching. The third thing you need to know is that you will have someone chasing you the entire time. If they catch you, task over.”

  Anxious with anticipation, I watched as each vampire took their turn at the task. Each had a ten second head start before a member of the legion was on their tail. Most seemed to be completing the task within forty seconds, providing they weren’t first caught. Of course, from outside the forest I couldn’t see a thing. It wasn’t until they returned through the forest that Jared would be told of the applicant’s success, or lack thereof.

  Standing there waiting for my own turn was agonising. I couldn’t even plan a strategy as I had no view of what the forest was like inside. Worse still, the members of the legion that were stood here were all Pagoris. There was no way to outrun a Pagori unless you were one yourself. Sure Sventés were stronger and faster than the fittest human, but it didn’t compare to Pagori strength and speed. There was one thing, however, that could go in my favour. What Pagoris lacked in was agility. Sventé vampires, however, had the dexterity and sprightliness of a jungle cat and if these legion members weren’t used to working alongside Sventés then they might not be prepared for it. So if I tapped into that and also made good use of my head start there was a chance – I didn’t like how slim that chance was – of succeeding.

  Was it any wonder that I was left till last to do the task? Or that Jared paired me up with the stockiest legion member of the lot to chase after me?

  Jared gave me the fakest, most patronising ‘good luck’ that I’d ever heard, so I gave him the fakest, most patronising ‘thank you’ that he had ever heard.

  It felt like forever before Jared finally said ‘Go!’

  I sprung forward with as much force as I could, grabbing hold of the nearest branch for only a fleeting moment before then swinging to the next one ahead of me. Never letting myself forget that soon I would be pursued, I zoomed through the forest with such grace and litheness like a feather in the wind.

  Plenty of logs and boulders scattered the ground, but for now I was relying only on tree branches. Bouncing from branches to boulders and back again would be nice and creative, but would slow my speed. That was the last thing I needed. Before long I could hear my pursuer...and there was no sign yet of the end of the forest.

  I put more force behind my swings but the Pagori bloke behind me was fast and I knew that I couldn’t stay out of his reach for much longer.

  “I is a comin’,” the bloke called out in an accent that wasn’t authentic. Clearly he considered himself playful and that this was a game that he was going to win.

  Ah crap! He may just win it. Up ahead there was a wide river. Plenty of rocks stuck out of it. I could easy dash across them but that would slow me down. I almost felt dispirited until I saw what was beyond the river: the end of the forest. As I noticed the fallen tree in front of the river, an idea entered my head.

  “Don’t hurt yourself now,” the Pagori bloke was shouting in a patronising voice. Arsewipe.

  As I reached the river I landed nimbly on the fallen tree and pushed hard on my legs as I leapt into the air...almost there...almost there. Down. Ha. I’d cleared the river.

  “Fuck me!” exclaimed the Pagori in surprise.

  I’d rather not. Swinging from branches again, I could hear the Pagori stomping across the rocks. Apparently he couldn’t match my leap.

  One more swing. Yes! I celebrated in my head as my feet met the ground outside of the forest. Three seconds later the blonde Pagori was beside me. He shook his head at me, his smile was filled with surprise. His eyes were glowing with respect.

  “What’s your name?” he asked. The Australian had dropped his playful accent now.

  “Sam.”

  “Well, Sam, I think I’ve just fell in love.” His state of disbelief now had him giggling. “Come on.”

  We ran back through the forest at vampire speed, finding Jared waiting at the mouth of it. He seemed amused. Until the Pagori spoke.

  “She’s like a nymph or something!” He shook his head. “I can’t believe she did it.”

  The look on Jared’s face was priceless. “Green, are you saying she outran you?”

  He nodded. “You should have seen her leap over the river, she completely cleared it!” He patted me on the back and then waltzed over to his comrades, telling them about the chase.

  Whereas Green was dazed yet excited, Jared was dazed but irritated. The other blokes weren’t laughing anymore, but they were still looking at me oddly and whispering. Then I got extremely cheesed off when I heard one of them suggesting to another bloke that I must have given Green a blow job to get him to say I’d outran him. I stomped hard on his foot and shot him a scowl. He didn’t seem confident enough to scowl back. Were they all arsewipes?

  The bloke with the shaven head who’d earlier assured me that I would not pass this tryout glared at me. “You sure you’re not a disguised Pagori vampire on crack?”

  “Oh shut it, slap-head.”

  He just chuckled.

  “For the final stage, we’ll return inside.” Jared’s walk was filled with that much frustration that he was almost marching.

  I knew as I entered the building and joined the line in front of Jared that my smugness must be apparent on my face because he was glowering madly at me. I snorted.

  “The final stage,” he drawled. “Combat. This is where you get to use your gifts. In the legion we train to avoid up-close and personal combat as this only tires a vampire and leads to
more injuries. Instead we like to rely mostly on our gifts, aiding us to attack from afar. For this stage the effectiveness of your gift will be just as important as your control of it. There are now only seven of you left. From what I have seen so far, I’m confident that the three spaces I have left to fill for the squad will be filled today. Which means four of you will be going home.”

  Jared first matched up one of the two remaining Kejas with a Pagori for combat. “Your aim is to outmatch your opponent, not to kill or cause any harm that can’t be fixed by our self-healing.”

  Contrary to mythology, vampires can be killed in lots of ways. A stab to the heart would do the trick purely because we need it beating just as much as we did as a human. We can also be bled out if our injuries are too extensive which leads to death. Being starved of blood for more than four weeks was another way to go. In addition, a lot of vampires have deadly gifts and these will just as effectively kill us as they would a human.

  Both the Keja and the Pagori were good. They stayed clear of each other, as instructed. Their powers were impressive. Although the Keja was a conjurer and was materialising weapons, the Pagori could secrete smoke from his hands, making the room hazy and preventing the Keja from finding his target. As such, the Pagori seized a weapon on a bad throw and used it against the conjurer. Combat done and dusted.

  Jared then paired up the other Keja with another of the Pagoris. The Keja was exhaling tiny thorns which I guessed were poisonous to some degree however seen as his opponent had the power to deflect or negate anything thrown at him with just the wave of his hand, the thorns simply hit the floor each time. As such, I never got to see what effect exactly the thorns could have. Jared eventually stopped the duel seen as they were both as good as the other.

  The last two Pagoris were next – one being the annoying but cute slap-head. He winked at me before confidently heading to the Northern point of the building. And God his gift was extraordinary, which meant that the whole thing was over in seconds. He had the power to cause temporary sensory paralysis, which meant his opponent was rendered blind, deaf and mute. As such, he was shooting his superhuman breath blindly – literally.