Waiting for the Chance

by Marie Cole

  He followed behind me in silence as I made my way towards the parent section of the bookstore. I stood back, my eyes wide as they roamed over the various titles on display. There were so many.

  "Ah. Here it is," he said as he plucked the thick book from the shelf. There were at least twenty identical ones still on the shelf.

  I let my eyes wander and smiled as they landed on a title that spoke to me. 'Pregnant Sucks.' I picked it up and turned to the table of contents. My finger skimmed down the page slowly. I tapped "Your Superhero Nose" and closed the book. This was it. The winner.

  "Whatcha got there?" Kent asked, trying to reach for my book. I twisted away, holding it firmly under my arm.

  "None of your business."

  "Oh. Sorry." He looked around the bookstore and then at me. "Did you want to shop for anything else while we're here?"

  "Nope. You?"

  He shook his head and then opened his hand in the direction of the registers. "After you, Miss."

  I rolled my eyes.

  We got back into his SUV, a grin on his lips because he'd won the payment debate that was going on in front of the cashier. He set the books on the floor beside my feet and went about driving towards my apartment.

  I tried to ignore it but it was hard not to. "You may have won that battle but you are far from winning the war, my friend."

  He glanced at me, one eyebrow raised. "Oh? We are friends again?"

  I shrugged and pretended to stare out the window. "We should be. If we're going to raise the baby together."

  "Together?" There was a hint of optimism in his voice. I turned to look and an even bigger ray of hope was shimmering from his expressive eyes.

  "Not together, together. Together as in co-parents."

  "So how is this going to work exactly? Will the baby live with me part of the week and live with you part of the week? Or will I get to look after him when you go to work at night and you'll look after him during the day? Because I'm not sure how well that will work since you'll be exhausted when you come by to pick him up. And we wouldn't want to wake him up in the middle of his REM cycle. And--"

  "Kent!" I put my hands on my forehead, trying to press all of his mouth vomit from my mind. "I just… I haven't figured it out yet. I'm still trying to figure out if I want an epidural or a natural birth. Besides you don't know what's going to happen in the next few months. There might be someone else in our lives."

  "You mean your life? Are you seeing someone?" His knuckles turned white as he gripped the steering wheel tighter. His jaw was twitching angrily.

  "Kent."

  His eyes turned to me and his expression softened a little. "I'm sorry," he cleared his throat before he continued, "I'm sorry. I just… I'll learn how to deal with that stuff. But it's going to take time and it's not going to be easy. I just want you to know that. It isn't going to change."

  I reached down and pulled 'Pregnancy Sucks' from the shopping bag and settled it on my lap. "You aren't a psychic. You never know what might happen."

  "I know that I'm not ever going to stop loving you, Elly. And I know that I'm never going to stop waiting for you. No one else is going to share my bed, my heart. Except our child. He'll have a special place there, but a different one."

  I shook my head, anger rising in my chest at his ridiculous sentiments. Probably all lies. I needed to change the subject. "How do you know it's going to be a boy?"

  He grinned. "I just know it."

  Chapter 65

  "Elly, we need to talk."

  I stared at his foot in my doorway for a long moment before meeting his determined eyes.

  "I have nothing to say to you."

  "Maybe you think you don't but I think you do. You used to tell me everything. You used to talk to me about guys. And you used to talk to me about everything that was bothering you. Like when Billy kept crowding you in line when we were in third grade. Or that time Tanya called you retarded because you couldn't kick the soccer ball. You used to share everything with me, Elly. And I want you to share with me again."

  "Well, those times are over. We haven't shared everything since fifth grade. Because in sixth grade I fell for you. I've had a crush on you since then and I've been lying to you ever since. Because how could I tell you that I liked you? You would have blushed and walked the other way."

  His large hand gripped the edge of my door and forcefully pushed it open, letting himself in. I retreated until my knees hit the back of the couch.

  "Elly, you have no idea what I would have done. And you're right. We haven't been honest with each other. Do you remember that first day, in eighth grade, when you came to school dressed in those torn jeans? And you had a flannel shirt on and you'd just dyed your hair magenta?"

  I nodded though I wish I could have blocked out that day. Everyone stared at me. Girls in class were whispering and giggling. The guys chuckled and made rude comments.

  "You held your head up high even though you were being picked on. I realized my crush on you that day. But I couldn't tell you. You were coming out as the cool outcast and I was still the class nerd. I wasn't good enough for you. I never have been. I kept waiting for you to meet the guy who was going to sweep you away from me. The cool outcast guy who had his ear pierced or something."

  I rolled my eyes, this was getting ridiculous.

  He sighed heavily as he ran his hands roughly through his hair.

  "Just tell me the truth. Tell me what's been going on inside your head. I need to understand because I know that when you tell me that you won't marry me that it's a lie. Because every time I'm around you I feel whole. And I can't go around the rest of my life feeling half empty inside."

  "Do you want to know the truth? I think you're only here and trying so hard because I'm pregnant," I said.

  He blew a puff of exasperated air through his nose.

  "Elly. Have I ever lied to you?"

  I didn't even hesitate. "Yes."

  He closed his eyes in frustration. "Okay, yes, fine. That was a dumb question. When I lied to you, why was I lying?"

  "Because you're a dick?"

  "No. I lied because I didn't want to get hurt. But it never worked out and in the process I hurt you. I was a dumbass. But I'm done with that. Pregnant or not pregnant, I love you. Pregnant or not pregnant, I want to be with you. I wish I believed that you don't feel that way for me but I know that's not true. You love me too. You desire and crave me just as much as I desire and crave you."

  And now it was time to face my fears and just be blunt and ask him the question I'd been dying to know the answer to since high school. "Did you love Jen?"

  He paused for a long moment, his gaze flickered to the side of me and I watched as he processed his life for the past fifteen years.

  "At first I thought I did. I loved things about her. I loved that she was so confident and she could fit into any social situation and how she could make friends so easily. She made it really easy for me to say yes to her. For the most part. She knew how to manipulate me." His eyes met mine, his tone final. "I convinced myself that I did love her. But no, I didn't."

  "Then why did you marry her?"

  "Because I wasn't good enough for the woman I really wanted."

  "But you are now?"

  His eyes met mine and he stared. His gaze melting me it was so intense. "No. I'm not. But I'm hoping that you'll take me anyway because I'm done hurting you. I'm done denying myself. Life is too short. And too precious. Mom told me that."

  I was quiet. My mind was racing. His words were jumbling in my subconscious. He waited. He waited as I stood there and shuffled from one foot to the other. Did I accept what he'd said? Did I accept that he wanted to be with me for the right reasons?

  "I can't promise to marry you, Kent."

  His face and shoulders fell, his eyes fell to the floor and he nodded once. "Okay. Well, at least I tried." He chewed on the inside of his cheek as his eyes lowered to his hand which was fishing something from his pocket. He withdrew the ri
ng box and held it out to me, closed. "When you believe that I love you then you can leave this somewhere for me to find and I'll know that I'm finally worthy of you, Elly."

  He came forward and pressed a soft kiss to my lips, which were trembling. This felt an awful lot like goodbye. I put my hand to his chest when he pulled away. He smiled softly at me and took a step backwards and then another until his hand was on the doorknob.

  When he was through the door I glanced at the ring box in my hand and then looked at my other one. My fingertips were bloodied.

  "Kent! You're blee--" My vision started to darken and I wobbled.

  No, no, no. This wasn't going to happen. I grabbed onto the doorframe tightly and closed my eyes. I heard footsteps rushing back as I felt myself losing my grip on the door.

  "Woah, Elly."

  Strong hands grabbed me and then I was weightless and floating.

  "I've got you," he said. His voice was so soothing. "Are you still with me?"

  "Mhm."

  "Do I need to take you to the hospital?"

  I tried to think of something, anything, to distract me but all I could see was his blood on my fingertips. My soft couch was on my back now, supporting me and I felt his warmth move away. "You're bleeding."

  "I'm no--" His voice cut off as clothing rustled. "Damnit. I am." His warmth returned by my side but I didn't dare open my eyes.

  "Is it bad? What happened?"

  "Oh, you know, the usual. I got into a tangle at the bar with a half man, half shark."

  Suddenly that image was in my head and my eyes popped open at the absurdity of it. I was rewarded with his warm, sexy smile. His hand moved to my forehead and smoothed it back. It was comforting. His hand came back again and his thumb traced the line of my lower lip. It trembled against his touch.

  How was he able to make me go from sickly to confused to turned on so quickly?

  "I'm okay. I got a tattoo. But I promise I'm okay."

  He moved his hands to mine and gave them a squeeze.

  I was even more confused. "Of what?"

  He got up and moved away, towards the kitchen. I heard some running water and then he was back, a wet paper towel in his hand. He didn't say anything, he just cleaned off my fingers. And I let him and put my head back onto the couch pillow.

  "I'd show you, Elly, but you'd just pass out."

  "I don't care. Show me anyway."

  He stared at me, his eyes moving over my face. I could see the internal struggle going on in his mind. "Alright." He unbuttoned his shirt slowly and before I could twist it into something sexy I saw the top of the bandage. I blinked, trying to hold it together as the blood came into view. I closed my eyes as he took the side of it and pulled it down. A few seconds later he said, "Alright, you can look now."

  I opened my eyes and stared.

  Like a brand it was there, my name on his chest. And just like a fresh brand it was angry around the edges, angry and red. He allowed to look for a minute before buttoning up his shirt. His hand was holding the dangling bloodied bandage and it was flapping around like a flag. It was the last thing I saw before everything went black.

  Chapter 66

  I didn't know how long I'd been passed out for but when I woke up I was alone. I laid there for awhile, letting everything come back to me. My talk with Kent. The ring. The tattoo.

  I glanced at the front door. It was still closed and my mind was left wandering. Maybe I'd been dreaming or delirious. Maybe he hadn't come by at all. My eyes fell to the little light blue box that had been carelessly dropped on the floor. I wondered if I should open it. Inside was a promise. A promise to marry Kent. To be his wife. To be his for as long as we could both stand each other.

  I nibbled my lower lip and went over, opening the box. The ring inside was still as fresh and sparkly as it had been the other night when he'd whipped it out before dinner. It was beautiful. And so very me. My fingers inched towards it slowly. I hesitated. Should I touch it? I didn't want to get it dirty. What if I was never ready? Was he going to let me hold onto it forever? It would be a punishment to know that I held such a thing of beauty and could never take it out of the box.

  I couldn't resist. I carefully took the ring out and slipped it onto my left ring finger. I held it out and gasped. Every time I moved even the slightest bit it winked at me. There was a knock on my door and I gasped, dropping the box onto the floor. The velvet holder popped out of the bottom and it lay there in pieces.

  "Oh, damnit!"

  I dove for the box and tried to put it back together with shaking hands. What if it was Kent knocking on my door? He was going to see me being ridiculous. Or worse yet, he was going to think that I had accepted his proposal.

  The knocking sounded again.

  "Elly? Are you home?"

  I froze. It was Stacy. Oh, thank God! I got up off the floor and opened the door, peeking my head out.

  "Hey," I said, shoving my body in the doorway so she couldn't come in.

  "Hey. Kent called me and said you might need someone to come babysit you. Everything alright?"

  "Mhmm, yep. I'm good. You don't have to waste your time with me. I'm sure you've got more important things to do."

  I watched her brow furrow as her all-seeing eyes did a quick examination. "Yeah, I think I have to come in."

  "No!… Um, no, it's a mess," I insisted, trying to hide the panic in my voice.

  She tried to push the door open but I held it firm. "Elly. Come on. Let me in. It's not fair that you're pregnant, I can't very well physically fight you. What are you hiding in there? A man?"

  Oh, if only.

  "No. I'm not hiding anything. Except the mess that is my apartment."

  "Alright. Fine." She retreated, hands raised in defeat.

  "I'll call you later." I was so relieved that she wasn't going to catch me in my lies that I didn't even think about it when I waved goodbye with my left hand.

  The damn diamonds twinkled like a glittery poster and instantly caught her attention.

  She ran towards me, squealing. "Elly! Oh my god!! Let me see that!" Before I could react she grabbed my hand and pulled it toward her face. "Oh, that's stunning."

  I pulled my hand back and retreated into my apartment. My cover was already blown. The box was still scattered on the floor and the corner of it cut into the sensitive flesh of my foot. "Ow!" I hopped backwards.

  "What in the world…?" Stacy asked, mystified as she entered my apartment and looked at the battered box on the floor.

  I whimpered as I sat down on the floor and rubbed my foot. "I just wanted to try it on. And then you knocked and scared me. I'm going to put it back together right now." I sighed as I moved towards the mess and started putting it back together.

  Stacy was still standing, watching me until I was finished.

  "Success," she said with a grin. "Oh wait, what's this?" She leaned down and picked up a folded white slip of paper. She opened it and her eyes nearly bugged from her head. "Jesus." She held the paper out to me and I quickly looked it over.

  I looked over it again. And then again. He had spent twenty grand? I glanced at my finger and then at my bare wrist. I glanced back at the receipt and felt my heart stutter. He bought this for me on the day of my birthday. Suddenly I felt sick to my stomach and had to sit down.

  "Woah there." Stacy came beside me and put her hand on my back. "Sticker shock?"

  "No, he…look at the date." I shoved the receipt into her hand.

  She took the receipt from me and snorted. "Well, I'll be damned. That would have been a sweet birthday present."

  "He gave me the charm bracelet because Bryan had announced that we were dating at my party." I closed my eyes tightly and shook my head. This wasn't happening to me. I had chosen the wrong man, clearly. I had done what Kent had done so long ago to me. He'd picked the wrong girl and we'd both paid for it. And here I was trying to do the same thing and holding a grudge because I thought he didn't want me for me even though that was all he'd been saying
for the past year. All he'd been doing the past year was trying to get me to see that he loved me, that he wanted to share his life with me.

  I put a hand to my stomach and blew out a long breath. "I'm being such an idiot."

  I glanced at Stacy, she was being awfully quiet.

  She shrugged her shoulders, "Don't look at me. I agree. You're being an idiot. He clearly loves you even though it took him too long to admit that to himself. Maybe this baby was a blessing from God to try to push you two together."

  I chuckled and gently tugged the ring from my finger. "Maybe." I gently placed it back into the box and then repackaged it. I worried my lip with my teeth as I stared at the box in my hands. "What if he changes his mind?"

  Her hands squeezed my shoulders just before she stood up and offered up her hand. "Then he's a fucking idiot."

  I took her hand she helped me up from the floor. "You're right."

  She shrugged. "Yeah, that's not news to me." She embraced me and then stepped back with a grin. "Go get your man!" She blew me a kiss and then headed out the door, leaving me alone with an expensive engagement ring and memories of a torrid past.

  "Go get my man… right…"

  This was the scariest thing I'd probably ever have to do, and like a used band-aid, I was going to quickly rip it off and get it over with.

  Chapter 67

  Now or never, Elly. Now or never.

  I blew out a hot breath as I approached Kent's front door. First I'd gone to his mom's house but he wasn't there. And now I was here, his SUV in the driveway confirmed that he should be home.

  I teased my lower lip with my teeth as I reached for the doorbell. I had a flashback of college, of coming to him to confess my feelings only to see Jen standing in the doorway with his ring on her finger. I shook those away. It wasn't going to be like that this time. This time was going to be different.

  I waited for a minute and then two. I glanced around his quiet neighborhood. Lights were on in pretty much every house. I looked back to Kent's door as it swung open. I held my breath, half expecting to see a naked woman standing there. But it was him. He had a towel around his hips, his hair still wet from the shower I'd obviously interrupted.