Shameless (Loving Fallon Book 1)

by Delecroix, Cassandra

  Wanting to ease my moodiness, I pick up my phone, hoping for a distraction. I decide to text Nick. Hey, I send.

  Hey back, he responds a few seconds later.

  I smile and type, What are you doing?

  Not much at the moment. U?

  I’m texting you, I reply.

  Smartass.

  I chuckle and send, I aim to please.

  How’s your evening going so far?

  I stare at his question, biting my lip. I don’t want to lie to him, but he already has issues with Blake, so it’s probably not a good idea to tell him about this evening. It’s fine, I send back.

  His response is almost immediate. Everything ok?

  How does he do that? It’s weird how easily he can read me. I type, Why wouldn’t it be?

  When you tell me you’re fine, you’re typically not.

  Okay, the way he can sense my mood is kind of disturbing. That’s why Blake is such a breath of fresh air, because he doesn’t know about my past. When we’re together, the past has no place with us. It’s like it doesn’t exist, and I love that.

  Really, I’m fine, I send back.

  Ok.

  My eyebrows draw together, and I don’t know what to send back to him. As the minutes go by, he doesn’t send me any further text messages. With a soft sigh, I lie down on the bed and try to bring back my good mood from earlier. I’d had a lot of fun with Blake this evening. I close my eyes and envision his expression as I’d stroked him. Blake is ridiculously hot, and his body is amazing. I wish we could have an afternoon to ourselves so I could explore him more and find out what really makes him go crazy.

  I’m aware that our relationship is based mostly on sex, but we’re also starting to become friends, and I like that. I’ve never experienced anything more than sex with anyone, so this is new, and I’m enjoying it. Once we eventually go our separate ways, maybe we’ll still stay in contact. That would be nice.

  I’m still thinking about Blake when I hear a tap on my window a short time later. I scramble upright, blinking as it sinks in that someone is at my window. I stand and walk over to draw back the curtain, and I see a dark shadow. I know it’s not Blake since he’d just dropped me off earlier, so it must be Nick. I unlock the window and shove it open.

  My bedroom light shines upon Nick’s face, and I back up so that he can climb into my room. “What are you doing?” I ask.

  He straightens and turns to shut the window. “Seeing how ‘fine’ you really are,” he replies in a whisper.

  “My aunt is gone. I can’t believe you came over.”

  Nick faces me, his eyes locking on mine. “Want me to leave?”

  I shake my head. This is an unexpected but nice surprise.

  Nick looks around the room until his attention pauses on the twin bed, and he motions towards it. “Mind?”

  “Go for it.”

  He sits down on the bed and looks at me expectantly as I stand before him. “Want to talk about it?”

  I gape at him and cross my arms over my chest defensively. “How can you think that something is wrong because I used the word ‘fine?’”

  His gray eyes hold mine. “You always have something on your mind. Haven’t you ever heard of the expression ‘The eyes are the windows to one’s soul?’ Well, your eyes say a lot when you’re with me.”

  “You scare me,” I say bluntly. His intuition where I’m concerned is spot on, and it’s disconcerting.

  “I don’t mean to,” he says softly.

  I walk over and warily sit beside him, staring down at my bare feet as I stretch my legs out.

  “I think we’re similar in a lot of ways, and that makes it easier for me to understand you,” Nick says lightly.

  I scowl, not appreciating that he finds me so dang easy to read. “It’s not fair when it’s one-sided.”

  “It’s not. You just haven’t figured out how to read me yet, that’s all. I bet you could if you tried.”

  “I’ve been trying to figure you out since the first time we met,” I grumble.

  “Then you’re doing it all wrong.”

  I shoot him a look. “If this is your way of trying to make me feel better, you suck at it.”

  His eyes sharpen. “Why would you need to feel better?”

  “Ugh.” I drop my head into my hands. I hadn’t meant to let that slip, and now Nick is going to pester me until I tell him what’s bothering me.

  “You know you can talk to me about anything.”

  I lift my head from my hands, peering at him. “Even Blake?”

  He looks at me steadily. “Even Blake,” he confirms.

  I search his gaze, but he doesn’t seem upset. After a moment of deliberation, I confess, “I was with him today.”

  “I figured as much.”

  “His dad caught us in the hot tub,” I add.

  “I’m assuming you guys were doing more than just talking,” he states dryly.

  “His dad came outside, and Blake says he did it to embarrass me. I didn’t like the way he looked at me,” I confide as I pick at my nails so I don’t have to look at him.

  “I’ve been on the receiving end of that look plenty of times—the one where he looks at you like you’re a piece of gum stuck on the bottom of his shoe.”

  My fingers still. “That’s it exactly.”

  “Fallon, he’s one person in a world full of billions. His opinion doesn’t count for jackshit.”

  I shake my head and rub a spot on my neck, still avoiding his gaze. “It’s not the first time someone has looked at me that way, Nick. It happens a lot.”

  “Then those people aren’t worth knowing. You can’t make everyone happy, Fallon. It isn’t possible. You also need to take into account that there’s many reasons why people turn their backs on others or try to make them feel inferior. There’s envy, greed, pure dislike, jealousy, peer pressure, the list goes on. All that matters is how you feel about yourself.”

  “Everyone eventually leaves, Nick. There’s something about me…” my voice trails off.

  His hand reaches out and snags one of mine, gently squeezing it. “The only person standing in your way is you.”

  My eyes lift to his. “I don’t get it.”

  “I take it the first few guys you ever showed interest in were just looking for a good time?” he asks bluntly.

  I nod.

  “You came to expect it, right?”

  “Kind of.”

  His looks at me steadily. “So you began to take what you wanted, and then walked away so you wouldn’t get hurt, correct?”

  I nod again.

  “Did you ever give them the chance to come back?”

  “Of course.”

  He looks at me deliberately. “Did you really, or did you give them the impression that you weren’t after anything more than just sex?”

  I frown. “But that’s all they wanted.”

  “You assumed,” he corrects gently. “Just like you thought I was only after sex. You walk away before anything can develop, Fallon.”

  I tug my hand out of his. “So you’re saying I’m sabotaging myself?” I ask sarcastically.

  He says nothing as he lets it sink in.

  “That’s ridiculous.”

  He just watches me.

  His silence has me thinking back to how I’d treated Nick, and even Blake the night we’d had sex in his bedroom. I’d left immediately instead of sticking around. Blake had to track me down because I’d already written him off. All this time, I’ve just assumed that no one thinks I’m worth anything, and instead, it’s me who feels that way.

  I inhale sharply, a lump developing in my throat.

  Nick slips an arm around me. “You get it now?” he asks gently.

  I mutely nod.

  “You need to start concentrating on yourself instead of worrying over what others think. You also need to stop expecting everyone to turn their backs on you. If you don’t give people a chance, they can’t take a chance on you, either.”


  “I don’t want to get hurt.”

  “Everything you do in life brings the chance of some type of pain. That’s life.”

  I stare down at my hands.

  “You want to tell me why you can’t open yourself up to people?”

  “I can’t,” I say lowly. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  “That’s fine, but when you’re ready, I’ll return the favor.”

  I look up at him. “What do you mean?”

  “It means when you let me in, I’ll let you in.”

  Fourteen

  By the time I trudge out of work the following evening, my backpack seems heavier than usual, and I’m a little lightheaded. I catch sight of Blake walking down the sidewalk towards me, and his face brightens when he sees me.

  I walk over and smile. “Hi.”

  “Hey,” he says with a grin. “I parked down the block. Do you have time to hang tonight?”

  “Sure.”

  He slips an arm around me as we walk. I can’t resist leaning into him, and then I manage to stumble over my own feet. Blake quickly steadies me, drawing me closer to his side as he frowns. “You okay?”

  I give him a wavering smile. “I’m feeling a little lightheaded.”

  He brings us to a halt on the sidewalk and looks at me closely. “When did this start?”

  “An hour ago.”

  “You eat anything on your break?”

  I shake my head and frown. I never eat at school, so that means my last meal was breakfast… No, I skipped that, too.

  “You hungry?”

  “Actually, I am.”

  We begin walking again, Blake’s arm wrapping around me once more. “We’ll go eat then.”

  He leads me to his car and opens the door for me. I flash him a smile and slip into the seat. Soon he’s driving, and my stomach is silently rumbling pitifully.

  “When was the last time you ate?” Blake asks.

  I open my mouth to lie, but then I think better of it. My conversation with Nick last night has been on my mind all day. He thinks I need to open up more and allow people to get to know me—the real me. I know that Blake is trying to do exactly that, but I’ve been reluctant, because I don’t want the bad parts of my life to taint the good.

  “Fallon?” Blake asks.

  Maybe Nick is right, and I need to start giving a little more of myself instead of just my body. I don’t want to delve too much into my past with Blake, but I suppose it wouldn’t hurt to tell him about my situation with Catherine.

  Blake’s hand touches my thigh, startling me. “Talk to me,” he urges.

  I moisten my lips and decide to try this whole ‘opening up’ thing that Nick had suggested. “The last time I ate was last night. I think.” Did I even eat an evening meal? I can’t recall.

  Blake’s hand reflexively tightens on my thigh. “Last night? You think? Why haven’t you eaten today?”

  This isn’t the place to have this kind of discussion, so I touch his hand, and he immediately twines his fingers with mine. “Can we talk when we get to wherever we’re going?” I ask, wanting a short reprieve so that I can pull my thoughts together.

  He doesn’t press any further with his questions, and he takes me to his favorite diner. Once again, we end up in the back booth. Our waitress immediately takes our order when we tell her that we both already know what we want. She then moves on to another table, giving us privacy.

  I sip my water and notice Blake watching me with questions in his eyes. After setting my glass down, I release a wary sigh. He’s already confided to me how he feels about his parents; it’s only fair to return the favor with a little honesty of my own. “I typically eat small meals, that’s what I’m used to. Since I’ve moved in with my aunt, I’ve been skipping meals sometimes,” I tell him.

  “Why?” he asks with puzzlement.

  My face heats. “I only eat when I have to so that I can save my money.”

  “I don’t understand why what you eat affects your paycheck. Doesn’t your aunt make dinner and stuff?”

  This was a bad idea, and I look down at the table, debating how to answer his question. The very last thing I want is Blake of all people to feel sorry for me.

  “Just how bad are things between you and your aunt?” he asks.

  “Pretty bad,” I confess.

  “To the point that she doesn’t feed you?”

  His question has my head shooting up as I glare at him. “I don’t need to be fed. I’m almost eighteen.”

  He puts his hands up in the air, showing that he hadn’t meant to offend me. “Poor choice of words. You know what I mean,” he adds lightly.

  “I have a job, so I’m expected to pay for my own groceries. I also have to pay rent.”

  Blake frowns. “She’s making you pay to live there?”

  “Yes.”

  “But you’re only working part-time, you can’t pay rent, groceries, and save at the same time.”

  “Exactly.”

  He sits back in his seat, his expression turning pensive. “So you’re telling me that in order to save for that car you want, you have to cut back on other necessities,” he states slowly.

  “Bingo.”

  His lips flatten. “Can’t she cut you a break or something?”

  I give him a look. “She is cutting me a break by allowing me to live with her. Otherwise, I would have nowhere else to go.”

  “Making you pay rent is a little harsh, don’t you think?”

  “I’ll take it over being homeless, Blake.”

  “Where are your parents? Why are you living with your aunt? Shouldn’t they be supporting you until you’re at least of age?” His eyes stay fixed on me as he waits for me to answer his questions.

  I’d known this conversation would lead to them, and I’m hoping he won’t press for details. “I never knew my dad, and my mom isn’t around,” I state almost matter-of-factly.

  “So the only person you have to rely on is your aunt,” Blake realizes.

  Our meal arrives, and I am thankful that our conversation has been interrupted. Blake, being the gentleman that he is, he eats his meal and allows me to enjoy my own instead of grilling me further. This time around, I dig in with enthusiasm as I demolish my burger and fries. From now on, I need to start keeping track of how often I eat. I can’t afford to collapse or get sick because I’m not keeping myself fed and hydrated. I grew up eating small meals, so my body is accustomed to only eating when necessary. I can go a day without food and not notice if I’m busy, but this time around, I’d gone too long. That can’t happen again.

  Blake pushes aside his plate and patiently waits for me to finish. Once I’m done with my meal and reclined back in my seat, he looks at me with expectant determination. “Why are things so bad between you and your aunt?” he asks.

  I’d known he wouldn’t let it go, and I shift in my seat, getting comfortable. My stomach hurts because I ate too much, but it’s better than feeling sick from lack of food. “My mom and Catherine were never close,” I tell him. “I think it was more than just sibling rivalry, but to make a long story short, my mom slept with Catherine’s fiancé a long time ago.”

  “That’s brutal.”

  I nod in agreement. “I don’t blame her for being bitter.”

  “So because she doesn’t like her sister, she doesn’t like you?” Blake questions.

  “Pretty much.”

  He shakes his head, as if he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. “You haven’t done anything to her, though.”

  “I know.”

  His frown deepens. “If you need money—”

  “Don’t even think about it,” I snap, cutting him off.

  “Fallon, you have to eat,” he says levelly.

  “I know, and I don’t typically skip entire days. I woke up late this morning and didn’t have time to eat. I don’t take money to school for lunch, and I leave directly from there to go to work.”

  His eyes narrow. “So you’re only eating t
wo meals a day?”

  “Three when I can manage.”

  Blake looks extremely unhappy by this news, and I wonder just how sheltered he really is. Hasn’t he ever known anyone that has to struggle for everything that they have or want? I would think Blake would understand the concept of ‘just getting by’ if he’s seen Nick’s trailer and spent time around him. It’s plain to see that he doesn’t have much.

  “I didn’t tell you so you can feel sorry for me,” I say flatly.

  “Why did you?”

  “I told you because you’ve been completely honest with me about…everything. Someone just recently told me that I have a tendency to push people away before they can get close, so this is me trying.”

  Blake is silent a moment. “Is that someone Nick?”

  I think I’m better off not answering that.

  Blake sighs, running a hand through his hair. “He’s not much of a talker, but when he does have something to say, it’s usually important. What you just said sounds like something he’d say. I wanted to call you out on a few things too, but I didn’t want to scare you off,” he adds.

  “I can get a little defensive when I hear stuff I’d rather not listen to. Bad habit,” I say wryly.

  Blake nods with understanding. “I think it’s that way with anyone when it comes to shit no one wants to admit.” His eyes roam over my face, and his expression relaxes. “Thank you for sharing with me your situation with your aunt.”

  I clear my throat awkwardly, reaching for my glass of soda. “About that, can we not talk about it anymore? I like my time with you because you make me forget about all that other stuff. I’d much rather concentrate on us.”

  “That’s fine,” he agrees. “Just don’t be skipping meals, and if I should happen to offer to take you out to eat, which I’ve done twice now before you told me about your situation, don’t bite my head off. Deal?” he asks with an unblinking stare, daring me to protest.

  “Deal,” I agree with a smile.

  “Are you coming to the game?” he asks, switching the topic.

  “Do you want me to?”

  Blake thinks it over. “I’ll probably be crowned king again, and that shit is such a pain. I think it’d lesson the torture if I knew you were there. I don’t suppose you’d consider being my date to the dance? I have to go if I’m on the homecoming court,” he grumbles.