I Am Alive 2: Increscent

by Cameron Jace

  I am only wondering if they still think about me. Do they watch my show and pride themselves on me being their daughter? I can’t help but remind myself that I am almost certain that Jack isn’t their son, that my mother got pregnant by a Nine to save the family while dad looked away with shame in his eyes to get this family by. But that aside, I still wonder if there is a room for me in this new house. Do they at least have family pictures of me hanging on the walls in the corridors? When they eat dinner on the dining table, do they notice my empty chair? Is there even a chair left for me at the table? Am I remembered or just considered dead?

  Don’t cry, Decca. Just don’t. This is one of those awful days when everything goes wrong twice. That’s not the cuckoo speaking now. It’s me.

  How I wish I could just spend one day with them. My birthday maybe? That would really help. A family birthday where my mom helps me cut the cake, Jack throws a chunk of it in my face, and Dad tells me to make a wish. But I can’t. If I approach, I will be punished somehow by law and they will lose the house and their new life.

  I pick up my iAm, calling Ariadna’s sister instead. Today is one of those days when you flip through your phonebook or Zwitter account, looking to see if there are any of your friends available for you. They’re all there online but not with you.

  Staring at my reflection in the mirror, listening to the beep tone of the iAm, I am thinking of the few people left for me in this world. Who am I supposed to have fun with? Go out with? Tell jokes and have silly times with? I am not even looking for love, not yet. All I want is to feel the presence of a sincere friend.

  Ariadna’s sister, Patty, picks up. When I ask her about Ariadna, she tells me she hasn’t come back yet. Ariadna had traveled abroad, leaving Faya a year ago. The last time I saw her was in the room with the Malikas when she gave me the honey. I thought she fled Faya, afraid that the Summit would know that she helped and warned me in the Playa when she made that illegal phone call. But then, when I became a Ten, it didn’t make any sense for her not to come back from wherever she went. The mysterious thing is that she didn’t leave any contacts behind. Patty says that Ariadna never called. The Summit isn’t responsible for anyone who travels abroad. Who knows what lies outside Faya? We know of the other countries and continents who watch our games and pay us tons of money, but we don’t know what lays there in between the roads and wastelands of the apocalypse.

  The thought reminds me that the Burning Man effigy itself is near the wastelands, which is where no one in Faya is allowed to go to. I hear that even the Summit can’t go there.

  At the end of the phone call, Patty asks me if I could send her one of those new ClairVos as a gift, the ones with the sensors where the user can control the amount of feeling. I tell her I will send her one the first thing in the morning, wondering what the world has come to. Patty hasn’t even sounded worried about her sister.

  As I hang up, it’s official that I am alone in this world, buried behind my yellow hood, driving through the streets, unable to breathe regularly.

  I hold my iAm in my hands, thinking about calling Woo again.

  What the heck is wrong with you? The cuckoo springs out of its clock of unconsciousness, right into my face.

  Then my iAm rings…

  The ringtone is a special song that I have connected with one person I met a year ago. He might be the last person on earth I could go to, Leo.

  I watch my iAm flashing without picking up, listening to the ringtone. It’s a song called, ‘See Through Your Eyes.’ A number one hit on the Zillboard charts in Faya for the last seven months. A song Leo wrote about me.

  The ringing stops. Even Leo gives up on me. How I wished he kept ringing a little longer. My stubborn brain would have melted if he did. Days like today, I need a longer portion of attention. A brief one doesn’t do it.

  Something makes me touch the wounds on my body. I don’t know why.

  I start the engine of Vern’s horrible car. Why did you give up on Leo, Decca? The cuckoo says. It looks like Woo isn’t Woo anymore. He is just not worth it. And Leo, he would fight the world for you.

  “I know,” I tell myself. “But for some vague reason, I just can’t give up on him. I wish I knew why.”

  I could go complaining about Leo not telling me that he was on a mission in the last Monster Show – as if he could have done that. Or that what he felt for me was because of the death game we played. Did he really like me, or was it part of his job? If I hadn’t followed them into the Mirage, I wouldn’t have spent time with Leo between Heaven and Earth – that’s where I really fell for him. I would have just ended up with Woo, who was practically Leo’s leader.

  I could think of all the excuses I can make to persuade myself why I put Leo off in spite of him never giving up on me – he had been too patient and tolerant that last year. But all that would be lies. I am just bonded to Woo in an almost nonsensical way. So illogical that I wish I could get rid of it.

  I get a message on my iAm. It’s Leo again. He really doesn’t give up.

  ‘I have a bomb in my mouth.’ He writes.

  It makes me smile, but I don’t message him back. Stupid girl with golden eyes.

  ‘You haven’t texted me back.’ He writes, almost ten seconds later as if he knew I won’t.

  ‘You’re very observant.’ I finally write back, teasing him. I love to do that to him. How can you just not love him, Decca!

  “Shut up, cuckoo,” I grit my teeth.

  ‘I’m not observant. I’m high maintenance :P. And Having a bomb in my mouth makes me so unkissable right now, but I could use a FRIEND.’ He writes the word friend in capital letters so I get it, in case I am stupid enough not to. The boy must think I am a nut case.

  ‘What do you need a friend for?’ I write, knowing that it’s the dumbest and bluntest thing that I could say. Offering to be friends right now is the best thing he has said since last year. It’s very sweet of him.

  ‘Tango. It’s a dance. And thank God it’s not called Zango.’ He writes. This one gets to me good. I laugh.

  Instead of the Monster Show, the Summit will arrange for a huge celebration where Leo and I are supposed to dance the Tango together in front of the world. We are supposed to dress as husband and wife, advertising for my famous new line of perfume: Ten. It is the crowd’s request to see us both as bride and groom on TV. They don’t care if it’s true. They just want to see us dancing together. They also wanted us to make a movie, but feature films are still prohibited in Faya. It’s all reality TV. Leo and I agreed on the little dance and advertisement as long as everyone knows that this is only acting. I’ll be doing it for the money to help the Monsters. I don’t know why Leo is doing it.

  Since I have never danced, I am taking classes with Leo occasionally in preparation. I try to keep them short and leave without interacting too much with him, although the dance itself is too sexy for the wall I want to build between us.

  ‘I know that dance. The one that needs two to Tango?’ I write, feeling a little better, and totally lame.

  ‘It needs two. And needs the girl to give in and let the boy lead. Something I am really good at.’ He writes back. It’s a fact about Tango that a girl should let the boy lead in the beginning until she comfortable to lead herself. Something that Leo is fond of. ‘I am in the Sol Dancing School. Waiting. We could practice some Tango so you don’t step on my feet on Ranking Day :P’

  ‘I am not going to step on your feet’ I write. ‘I am an awesome dancer.’

  ‘I take that as a yes. Shake your winner’s butt and come and see me.’

  I decide to go see him, but before I do, I remember the beetle in my backpack. Surprisingly, the little fighter is still there. I let it out on the street and close the door. As I do, the symbol of Faya on some billboard catches my eye. That Decagon sign with its ten angles and lines. Our ten cities’ names written on each angle: Noo, Aft, Eve, Sun, Twi, Dus, Mor, Nig, Mid, and Daw. In the middle of all t
hat is Sol, where the Playa is, and where I live now. I’ve always wondered about our cities’ names. Short, undecipherable, and made of three letters each. The only names that make sense to me are Eve where I come from, and Sun, where Leo comes from. Maybe I’m just reading too much into things.

  Before I start the car, I take a look outside again at the beetle, worrying if pedestrians squashed it or not. But she is fine, that little black fighter. She’s made across to the grass.

  7

  Two is for Tango

  The first thing I see in the Sol Dancing School is Leo playing with younger dancers. Leaning by the door, I watch how they just love him.

  Instead of spending his time partying, getting drunk, and having as many girlfriends as he can, Leo plays with children, teaching them how to dance, and singing with them. There was a time when this tattooed boy was silent and all he did was shoot people, unapologetically. Not anymore. If most of us changed for the worse after the Monster Show, Leo’s the only one of us who’s become more human and caring.

  Once the boys and girls see me, they abandon Leo. I am more famous. They run toward me, asking for photographs and gushing about how they love me, the Girl with Golden Eyes. Then they show me how most of them cut themselves slightly at the shoulder to become Tens like me. Who would have thought? I advise them against doing it since the Summit considered this a sign of wanting to be a Monster, which is a sign of the revolution.

  “What is it that you do that I can’t?” Leo teases me.

  “It’s not what you do. It’s how you do it,” I stick out my tongue and sign the autographs. “Besides, girls are made to be famous.”

  “I can sing, for God’s sake. You can’t,” He approaches me, with his looks-to-kill, like usual. But as neat as he looks outside of the Playa, he is missing some of the charm of looking scruffy and deadly.

  “You never listened to me sing,” I say as the children leave the basketball hall where our Tango rehearsals take place.

  “Oh. Please. You sound like a squirrel in a can when you sing.”

  “Squirrels are cute and people love’m.” I raise an eyebrow and pat him on the chest when he comes closer. Part of it is me wanting to touch him. The other part is stopping him from coming closer. I know. Pathetic. It’s how my miserable mind works these days. Contradictions, contradictions. Each move has a double meaning and risk for me.

  “I love squirrels, too.” He sweet-talks me as I have to tilt my head up to talk to him.

  “I don’t remember that,” I say. “I remember you used to shoot them. In fact, you used to shoot everyone you met.”

  “Not anymore. Not after I met that cute, tiny, yet stubborn girl who knows how to kill a one-eyed tiger.”

  Distracted by looking in his eyes, he fools me and takes a step closer. What was my hand thinking, being pushed away so easily?

  I feel my jaw tense as he is too close, worrying that he’d want to kiss me. I don’t think I can live with that if it happens. I am so confused. Didn’t he say in his message that we are meeting as friends? What’s with boys when they twist the words?

  “Missed me?” Leo says softly. You never want to hear those words with that soft tone from the mouth of a boy who can sing. It’s too dreamy, and the melody of each letter weakens my resistance. He rests his hand against the door frame right above my head. I am pretty much cornered now. Even though I could just slide from under his arms, I am torn between wanting to go away and staying a little to enjoy the way he smells and the way he looks at me.

  “Not really,” I say. “In fact, I just remembered that I miss a beetle more than I miss you.”

  “The one you saved in the game? Who wouldn’t miss her? She is a small, smelly, and yucky insect. I didn’t know she was your type. But I am sure you miss me so much you dream of me.” Leo says.

  “Sorry, Leo. I don’t,” The truth is that I dream of Woo many nights.

  “No?” He winks. “How about if I open your purse? Do you have a picture of me in it?”

  “Wake up, dude,” I pat him slightly. “We’re not in the old days when people used to do that.”

  “So you have my picture in your iAm?”

  “Yeah, it’s set to the number of the fire department.”

  “Is it because I am too hot?” Leo has that smirk on his face again.

  “No. Because the fire department never calls anyone so I don’t have to look at it.” I don’t believe how cruel I am with him. The truth is I like to see his face but right now I’d say anything so he backs off. Being so close sends that chill to my spine.

  “Decca!” A sound echoes in the hall and saves me. “Mamamia! You look so beautiful.”

  It’s Flaminus Claw, the Tango teacher who talks like he’s French, although he isn’t. I guess Flam was affected by the movies he watched on TV. He is about forty years old with the athletic body of a twenty-year-old, and he is one of the sexiest and lovable elders in Faya. Only if it wasn’t for his silver-white long hair, you’d mistake him for being much younger.

  “I missed you,” He says as he nudges Leo away and kisses me on the forehead. Flam, like he likes to be called, is gay with an unbelievably perky persona. I adore him. He was ranked an Eight by the iAm’s standards but was downgraded to Six for being gay. Faya discriminates against gays who declare what they are. If they don’t, they can still keep their ranks. The iAm is usually discreet about it.

  “Missed you too, Flam.” I pat him on his lean, muscled shoulder.

  “So you came here to Tango?” He holds me enthusiastically by the arms.

  “Not really.” I shrug my shoulders.

  “Come on,” He pulls me and Leo into the middle of the hall. “Musique!” He yells, and the Tango music starts to play in the speakers. “You two have got a dance to perform in a couple of days. The world will be watching you.” He adjusts me and Leo face to face and takes a couple of steps back.

  “I guess we have to dance, my princess,” Leo pulls me closer. Tango allows too much physical contact so I guess he is happy with it. He wants to be closer, in every way. If it were up to him, he wants to be my guardian for life – and death. He wants to be in my dreams.

  I comply and start to follow the moves. Even though I was a terrible dancer, I’ve had many classes with Flam, so I am much better in Tango than free-styling on the dance floor.

  “Tam taram tam tam,” Flam claps his hand and stomps his feet to the tempo while facing us sideways. “Taram tam tam!” Every move Flam takes is theatrical and vibrant. Few people have this something he has, this aura of enthusiasm and unconditional love for life. Flam’s energy is contagious. His rough voice makes me want to move even more to the beat of the music.

  “One two three and,” He dances with us, next to us to demonstrate. “One two three. That’s it.”

  The worst thing about Tango is that the girl needs to let the boy lead. The first steps are always the boy’s, so if he starts off well, the girl could dance better and take it from there. It’s like the boy is only a guide who takes care of the girl as she unleashes her freedom dance, spreading her wings, and bestowing her charm upon the audience. It sounds like relationships to me. A boy has to start, a girl keeps it alive. Somewhere at the end of the dance, they become one. That’s if none of them stumble on the way.

  But again – I am boring, I know – I am not ready to feel closer to Leo, and this damn dance makes me want to reward the boy with a kiss if he does a good job. Leo is flawless and very kissable.

  I wonder if Woo is still capable of dancing and having fun, or did Monsterland kill every last good emotion in him?

  “That’s it,” Flam shouts. “Show me more. Show me passion,” He bows his head forward and stares at us with eyes buried in mascara. “Show me feelings. Let me see the emotion flaming in the air!” He claws his palms upside down and waves them as if begging us. I think that this is why he is called Flaminus Claw. He loves doing that claw thing. “More, more. More,” He says. “I wan
t the audience to go crazy. I want every girl in Faya to want to dance with Leo. Every boy in Faya, daydream about Decca.”

  Leo’s moves are swift. I feel challenged. I am sweating, treating the dance more like a competition between me and him. Surviving the Monster Show made me always want to win. It’s as if winning has become an ongoing burden, not a relief.

  “Feels better than killing a one-eyed-tiger, right?” Leo whispers to me as we continue following Flam’s moves.

  “More!” Flam yells. “I want every teen in Faya wanting to be a hero after seeing this dance.”

  “You and I could wear spandex and save the world tomorrow,” Leo whispers in my ears.

  “So you still need me to save the world, right?” I tease him.

  “Well, if you let me take you on my magic carpet we could fly away out of Faya,” Leo says as I am panting to his swift moves. “Just you and I. Let’s forget about all of this freakshow here.”

  “Not gonna happen, dude,” I say and drop a bomb on him, “I really think you should save a place on your magic carpet for someone else.” I think I regret saying this but I don’t show it.

  Suddenly, Leo pulls away from me and takes off his white shirt, ripping it apart while staring into my eyes, and then he returns to dancing with me again. Alright, so now I am going to have to fight the urge of wanting to touch his shirtless, lean body. When will he ever take no for an answer?

  First, he circles around me like a wolf around its prey, and then he pulls me closer in the least expected moment. His pull is rough, but it’s safe. It’s like someone shaking you awake. Invisible fire flames through my soul as he stands behind me, wrapping his arms around me while keeping with the tempo. I don’t remember this being part of the Tango dance at all.

  “I will not give up on you, Decca,” He whispers in my ears, his hot breath burning my soul.