The Abandoned

by Kyp Harness

  The Abandoned

  Copyright © Kyp Harness, 2018

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system or transmitted, in any form or by any means, without prior permission of the publisher or, in the case of photocopying or other reprographic copying, a licence from Access Copyright, the Canadian Copyright Licensing Agency, www.accesscopyright.ca, info@accesscopyright.ca.

  Nightwood Editions

  P.O. Box 1779

  Gibsons, BC V0N 1V0

  Canada

  www.nightwoodeditions.com

  Cover design & typography: Carleton Wilson

  Cover designed from a photograph by Ivan Lisenkov (Wikimedia Commons)

  Nightwood Editions acknowledges the support of the Canada Council for the Arts, which last year invested $153 million to bring the arts to Canadians throughout the country. We also gratefully acknowledge financial support from the Government of Canada and from the Province of British Columbia through the BC Arts Council and the Book Publishing Tax Credit.

  This book has been produced on 100% post-consumer recycled,

  ancient-forest-free paper, processed chlorine-free

  and printed with vegetable-based dyes.

  Printed and bound in Canada.

  CIP data available from Library and Archives Canada.

  ISBN 978-0-88971-345-1

  Contents

  Book One: Winger Trillium 11

  Diddler 29

  Mrs. Hell 59

  Book Two: The Bridge Ran Hutchison 89

  The Clown 101

  Sherrie 113

  Charitas 127

  Freedom 137

  Winter 155

  Roberta Cameron 169

  Spring 187

  Yearbook 201

  About the Author 219

  1. Trillium

  Andrew has water coming out of his mouth. I asked Mom why Andrew has water coming out of his mouth, but she didn’t answer. He sits beside me on the bus going to school and he has a big long coat and he speaks differently, which seems to have something to do with the water coming out of his mouth. Certain words he doesn’t seem to be able to say, and his lips twist weirdly and the clear, shining water—spit, I guess—comes streaming from his mouth as he tries to talk, but mostly he doesn’t talk he just sits there, which I like because I can hold my fingers up before my eyes and wriggle them around and when I do that, I can see Mickey Mouse and Goofy, and I can see all the scenes that I imagine, like in the Walt Disney films where everything goes wrong at once, and the colours and the hilarity and funniness all shimmer and agitate, and my heart beats quicker.

  Most kids I sit with on the bus I won’t do it beside, but Andrew never seems to notice, or if he does notice he doesn’t care, or maybe even accepts it, where the other kids make fun of me and put me down, and my dad sure doesn’t like it, he gets mad and yells at me, and of all the things I do he acts like it’s the worst, so I do it in my room where he can’t see, or before he comes home from work in the living room, where I do it instead of watching TV, and I look forward to it all day at school, and with Andrew beside me I don’t have to wait until I get home to do it, I can do it on the bus on the way home from school, and when I do it, it seems like the long bus ride doesn’t take long at all, it seems I just start doing it and then when I next look up I’m home and the bus driver is saying it’s my stop, and I don’t know where all the time went, just like when I go in the house and sit in the chair in the living room and do it, and I don’t know what’s on TV anymore, and I don’t know where the time goes, or even what’s going on around me, and my dad comes home from work and I don’t notice, till he stands at the door to the living room and slams his hand against the side of the door and it shocks me out of doing it. I jerk with an awful feeling as the visions of Mickey Mouse blast apart, and all I see is my dad’s angry face shouting at me: “Tim! Stop that!”

  A hard, sparking feeling goes through my body and turns to dread at my dad’s anger, though it’s better than at other times when he just looks at me and shakes his head disappointedly. Or the time when I was sitting in the chair by the front window and he drove in the laneway and got out of his car, and he got out and just stood there staring at me through the window, which I didn’t notice until some feeling told me and I looked away from my fingers, from my “diddling” as he calls it, and saw him standing outside staring at me with an angry, sad expression on his face, that would have been bad if it was just angry, or just sad, but with the two of them together it was worse, and when he came in and asked me what I was doing and I said, “Diddling, I guess,” and he said, “Oh, I thought you were waving at me, or something,” almost joking—that was worse than if he had been angry and mad and shouting.

  But Andrew doesn’t take any notice, he mostly just looks out the window at the fields and forests drifting by, with the water on his lower lip and sometimes on his chin, glistening and shining in the sunlight coming through the window. He has shoes with strips on them called Velcro which stick together and keep them on instead of shoelaces, and I say to Mom I wish I could have those kind of shoes like Andrew and she says, “You don’t want them,” and I say yes, I do, because when I try to tie my shoelaces they don’t stay tied and people get mad, and when I try again my fingers get nervous because people are watching me, because I think I can’t do it and will never be able to do it, and the strings won’t do what my fumbling fingers want, like they’re making fun of me, like they’re escaping me, and my eyes fill with tears and I feel cold sweat at the top of my forehead, and I want shoes like Andrew has, I ask my mom why can’t I have them. She says I want them so I don’t have to learn to tie my shoes, and it’s true, but also because I don’t think I ever will learn to tie my shoes, and it doesn’t make sense when I could just slip my shoes on if I had shoes like Andrew has, and press the fuzzy, sticky bands over the front to put them on, and I wouldn’t have to want to cry. But Mom says, “You’ll learn to tie your shoes,” and I can tell she’s about to say something else, about Andrew, but she says, “You’ll learn to tie your shoes,” again like she didn’t say it the first time, so I know I have to live with my fingers fumbling with the strings again, or people laughing at me when I walk around with them untied, adults saying, “You’ll trip over that lace,” but I never do.

  But no one ever says that to Andrew because he has no laces, and even if he did they probably wouldn’t say it, at least the adults, because none of them talk to him very much anyway. It’s the other kids who laugh and poke fun at him, but that doesn’t matter because he never talks back to them or gets upset by them, and just keeps walking in that slow way, and he’s much bigger than all the other kids, and I’m one of the smallest kids in class, so I like hanging with him because he’s almost like an adult, a quiet, slow, accepting adult, and I get upset when they laugh at me, when they call out rude names and say they’re going to hurt me. But beside Andrew I don’t get so upset or scared, it feels like he takes in all the bad words and the rude making-fun and it makes no difference to him so it should make no difference to me, or maybe he really is taking it into his big, slow body, pulling it in like a sponge or a shield, so it can’t hit or hurt me, it goes all into him and none at me, like now he sits beside me on the bus so I can diddle, and he just sits at the window, the sun going down gleaming on the water on his chin.

  At school Andrew has to leave every afternoon for a couple of hours, with a couple other kids for a special class, and sometimes I wish I could go too in the same way I wish I could have his Velcro shoes. He goes out the door with Sally, a thin girl with bright butter-coloured hair, and Jerry Passingmore, who has really short black hair cut close to his skull, and little white spots in his skin along his skinny j
awbone. I remember on Valentine’s Day when we all made little mailboxes for our valentines out of big orange envelopes that we taped up on the chalk ledge at the bottom of the chalkboard that went all around the room, and Jerry Passingmore didn’t get one Valentine in his envelope and later when we sat at our desks waiting for the bell to ring to get on the bus, we smelled this weird bad smell, and looked at each other, and then we all looked at Jerry Passingmore.

  He sat there staring down at the top of his desk, his face getting redder and making the white dots on his jaw stand out more, because the sickly sweet, heavy, warm, almost touchable smell told us all that he’d pooped his pants. Though kids smiled and laughed at each other, and some of the kids would later make fun of Jerry for pooping his pants, it was one of those things that you almost didn’t want to make fun of or talk about, each of us imagining a log of poop in a toilet bowl, or more so the log emerging from Jerry’s bum, and crumpling, folding over into itself in his underwear and filling it, stretching it with its pulp between his bum and the hard seat of his chair under it. You didn’t really want to mention it because it was like death, a dead squirrel by the side of the road, or some other terrible thing.

  Though it did make me think of when I had to pee, and I had it in my head that I didn’t want to ask the teacher because I kept thinking I could hold it till the end of the class, and I kept feeling its tightness, that crackly, spidery feeling at the end of my penis until I was really fighting just to keep it in, till I was straining like when you’re running and you can’t run anymore, then you think you’ll run to the next tree, and after that, you think you’ll run just to the next pole, and so I thought if I can just hold it in until… and then maybe I thought I could just let a little bit out, and I did whatever you do in your mind to let a few drops out, and when those drops came out it wasn’t like just a few drops coming out, but they were a fact, a fact that pulled more drops of pee out of the end of my penis, and aside from the fact, their coming out was one of the most wonderful feelings I ever felt, they were a fact that pulled the rest of the pee out of me and I couldn’t stop it, still thinking as the warm almost-hot liquid spread across the crotch of my pants that maybe no one would notice, the beauty and the relief of the sensation overwhelming me, pulling all of me from my head and all the other parts of my body down to my penis and through it, and the lovely warm flow overtaking the entirety of my lower torso and out onto the indented plastic seat of my chair, and then overflowing the seat, and then I feel and hear the urine splattering over the edge, dripping over the sides of the seat and pattering on the floor below. I hear it and do not dare to look down, knowing if I do what I’ll see, the shining pool of pale yellow over the linoleum tiles composed of white and grey little stones and dots I often think of as planets when I stare down at them during boring math.

  Now I knew they would be floating serenely under the reflective pool of pee, just as I knew kids were looking at me, that the spattering against the floor had got their attention, and I could feel their eyes on me and also see them from the corners of my eyes, and I dared not look at them just as I dared not look down at the pool I knew was growing on the floor beneath me, as the pee was not stopping, as I didn’t know the volume of pee from a normal pee, or maybe I did know but my body fooled me that it wouldn’t be so much, or wouldn’t be noticeable by the others if I let some out, or if I let some out the rest wouldn’t want to follow, or I wouldn’t want the rest to follow, or I would be able to control or resist letting the rest go as it was now coming in a fast, vicious river of hot urgency, sending its rain rushing over all the sides of the seat, splashing and splattering on the hard floor below, and I knew and saw all eyes around me now focused, alerted by the sound, seeing the insidious glinting of the industrious seeping of the pool, and the darkening blackening stain of my pants now extending to my thighs, the pee on the floor widening till I have to move my shoes to escape the warm smelly wetness.

  And when the teacher asks if I have to go to the washroom, then asks over the intercom if they can send Mr. Morton down, I get up, still not looking around at the kids, including Toby Norton who I know is grinning at me with sneering eyes, and the girls who I know are more sympathetic, but somehow that makes it all the worse. I meet Mr. Morton coming in with his mop and pail, and he doesn’t look at me, not because he’s mad or angry but more like he knows it’s me that’s done what I’ve done and it’s no big deal, it’s what he’s used to or what he expects because he’s the one who cleans up all the kids’ messes, like when a kid gets sick he comes and sprinkles the white powder over the throw-up, which I don’t know if it makes it easier to clean up or makes the smell go away, the smell that’s so awful and inescapable that you can’t smell anything else, and so strong it makes you want to throw up, almost like the throw-up on the floor is calling to the throw-up inside of you and is making it come out, making you gag to pull the throw-up out of you almost like the other throw-up is lonely, just like the first few drops of pee you think you can let out with no problem call to the rest of the pee and soon your seat is full of pee, the floor is full of pee, your pants are black with pee and you’re walking to the washroom, your shoes squeaking with the pee and as horrible as the attention of the whole classroom is, it was wonderful to feel the flow, wonderful to feel the warmth, now going worriedly cool.

  Some say that Andrew wears diapers, along with his Velcro-banded shoes, and the special classes he goes to, but what Andrew does best is carry snow. At recess we build forts and I take charge directing the other kids, Walter and Rachel Safer, to roll up the massive balls of snow and then carry them and set the other balls of snow to build a wall, for we are the kids who have no other friends, and the other kids build snow forts too, but ours is the best for we have Andrew and Rachel who is almost as big as Andrew to lift the giant balls of snow onto the others to make the walls bigger, and Andrew is the best at it. I tell him what to do and it seems he isn’t listening, he just stands there, poised, not looking at me, the water dripping down his chin, but then he goes and does exactly what I tell him, rolling up a massive ball then lifting it and carrying it like it is a big beach ball filled with air, and he takes it even though he can’t do a lot of things like tie his shoes or print or fold paper, he puts the snowball right in the right place in the wall, although I have to smooth it down and mould it in so it stays. He works away like one of those big machines, or like an animal, a horse that gives itself to help people, or an elephant that works with its small blinking peaceful eyes, never asking for anything, just eager to do what’s required though with no particular urgency or stress—he walks carrying the boulders of snow as if he has always done it, a million times before, or as if he always will do it, forever.

  But just like with the Velcro shoes, when I ask Mom if he can come to my birthday party she says, “Are you sure you really want him to come to your birthday party?” with the look like she had when I asked for the giant Mickey Mouse doll at Zellers, or when I said I wanted a dollhouse to play with, and maybe it’s because the teacher said on my report card that I have trouble folding paper, or the gym teacher said my coordination was bad and asked my mom and dad to come in for a special meeting, or when I play sports at school and no one wants me on their team so when the captains are picking teams everyone gets picked and I’m left there on my own at the end, with both sides picked and the captains arguing about which one will have to pick me.

  Maybe because of all that, and the diddling too, they think I’m like Andrew or Andrew’s like me, since I heard Dad say that Andrew was “off,” and I asked what that meant and he said Andrew “isn’t normal,” and it made me want to ask if I was normal but I didn’t because I didn’t know what he would answer, but it was like Andrew was some other thing, another thing that doesn’t seem right, like a raccoon that lay beside the edge of the schoolyard and its body wasn’t there anymore, all that was there was these shiny, bright things moving around constantly—maggots—and I said they were gross, and another boy said the
y were eating its body and I said they were gross again, and he said, “Why do you keep looking at them then?” And the truth was that I couldn’t help looking at them, that my eyes and attention were sucked in horribly and totally by them, just like they sucked at the dead body of the raccoon, and I wanted, needed, to look at them, as though if I could take them in completely I’d have no need ever again to be horrified by them. I had to come back to them till they horrified me no longer, but at the same time I knew there was no end to their ability to horrify and that in itself was more horrifying and infinitely fascinating too, a deep dark bottomless well of horrification that was inexhaustible, that made all your bones feel hollow, and made you catch your breath painfully in your throat, yet was tremendously exciting at the same time, or something you knew that was not right but you had to go there anyway, you were impelled to cross the line because somehow if you didn’t you might as well have never lived that day, you might as well have just gone back to bed and done nothing, like with the fluffy white kitten we got, Sally, and they said don’t be rough with the kitten, and when I was alone with her in the living room I could hear them talking in the kitchen, and I picked up the kitten by the tail, and slowly began to swing her in a circle around me, and as she swung around at the end of the length of my arms and of her tail, her panicked eyes wide, as the lamp and the sofa and the TV all revolved around her like a merry-go-round, her body softly dipping and coasting in the graceful wind, an almost unbearable excitement and horror surged in me, and it was bad, and it was “off,” and I let go of the tail and the kitten soared through the air, through the living room, and plopped into the curtains over the big picture window, then fell and plopped against the floor.

  Just after that happened with the kitten my dad walked into the room, and he didn’t know and never knew what happened and that made me think, as he went and turned on the TV then went and laid down on the couch like he did every night to watch it, that anything could happen the minute before a person walked into a room, and they would never know it, so that it was, for them, as if it had never happened at all, and so with this, the only person to know it happened was me (and the kitten, who was now padding dizzily out from behind a chair) so that it really was as if it never happened at all, except to me, who knew, but there was something desperate and awful, like a knife blade about it, something shameful and unpleasant, a piece of poop you suddenly find on your finger after wiping yourself, or those things your parents talk about in low voices and when you ask them what they’re talking about they just stop talking about it, and look at each other and don’t answer: Is Andrew like that and are they afraid I’m like that and is that why they don’t want Andrew at my birthday because if he’s there I’ll become more like Andrew the same way more pee wants to come out when you start peeing, or the way throw-up wants to come out of your stomach when you see throw-up on the floor? Just like if they got me the special Velcro shoes I wanted then I wouldn’t have to learn to tie my shoes, then I might have to go to special classes and wear diapers, and have water come out of my mouth like Andrew?