Lipstick and Lies

by Viggiano, Debbie

  ‘Was he, you know,’ Nell winked, ‘batting his eyelids at you. Giving you the come on. Hoping to lure you away from the table?’

  ‘From under her husband’s nose?’ asked Morag. ‘I hardly think so.’

  ‘We have no proof I was drugged,’ I massaged my temples. ‘Can a test be done?’

  ‘Yes. A urine test,’ said Nell. ‘However, even if we could do such a test right now, it wouldn’t prove anything. These date rape drugs can leave the system in as little as eight hours. That time has long since elapsed.’

  ‘You’re going to have to tell Jamie,’ Morag took a sip of coffee.

  ‘Do you really think he’s going to believe me?’ I cried. ‘We have no proof. Only supposition. And what would be Selina’s motive? Just to get some sort of vicarious kick out of seeing me spread-eagled across a table in a top London restaurant?’

  ‘Yes,’ replied Nell calmly.

  ‘She’d have to be off her trolley to pull a stunt like that,’ I breathed.

  ‘Well she’s been off her trolley before,’ said Morag. ‘We know that from the past when she stalked you, and tried to frighten you off when you hooked up with Jamie. Perhaps she’s always been off her trolley.’

  ‘She told me she’d been in a bad way at one point. But she also assured, thanks to counselling, she was better.’

  ‘Clearly Selina isn’t better,’ said Nell. ‘Let’s look at what we know so far.’ Nell put down her coffee cup and began to tick off on her fingers. ‘Firstly, you’ve been anxious about this woman from Day One. Secondly, Selina was definitely once a fruitcake. So it might well be that she still is a fruitcake. Thirdly, she’s very conveniently wormed her way into Ethan’s life, managed to get engaged to him and work with him thus impacting on yours and Jamie’s lives. Coincidence? Maybe. But let’s continue. Fourthly, because of this whole scenario, Selina can now even come inside your home and potentially make mischief.’

  ‘Selina incensed me when she invited herself for kitchen supper,’ I nodded. ‘She informed me that she wanted at least six children, and my five would do for starters. Then she flattered Edna, and said one day she wanted to live in a house like Lilac Lodge with a mother-in-law just like mine. Finally Stevie turned up to see the twins, was bowled over by Selina, and Morag and I have reason to believe she has started an affair with him.’

  Nell’s jaw dropped open. ‘So finally,’ Nell ticked off her little finger, ‘what Selina really wants is your life. And if she can’t have your current husband, by the looks of things she’ll settle for your ex-husband.’

  ‘This is ridiculous,’ Morag piped up. ‘We sound like three frustrated housewives with nothing better to gossip about. Even if Selina did want Cass’s life, realistically that’s not possible.’

  ‘So the drink spiking could be some sort of petty revenge,’ Nell put her head on one side and considered. ‘But as you say Cass, we need proof. We can’t get proof of the drink being spiked, but might it be possible to prove Selina is bonking Stevie?’

  ‘Yes!’ I hissed. ‘Thanks to Stevie having his brain lodged in his boxers, he slipped up and rang Matt and Morag’s riding stables. Booked a hack for himself and a woman called – wait for it – Selina! Moments later he rang back and cancelled. And then last night Selina told us all she’s going horse riding today. At Maxwell’s Equestrian Centre. But she lied and said she was going with an old chum called Laura.’

  ‘For Laura read Stevie,’ breathed Nell.

  ‘Why didn’t you tell me earlier about this?’ demanded Morag.

  ‘Because it’s only just come back to me!’ I cried.

  ‘Well what are we waiting for?’ Morag leapt to her feet. ‘Let’s get over to Maxwell’s now. I know exactly where it is. Swanky as you like. Let’s hope we catch Stevie and Selina together. You can film them on your mobile phone Cass. If nothing else, you’d then have proof to show Jamie that lies were told about being with a woman called Laura. That has to count as some sort of starting point, before putting the cat amongst the partnership pigeons.’

  I looked at my watch. ‘It’s nearly half past three. Stevie and Selina have probably long gone from Maxwell’s.’

  ‘Well we won’t know if we don’t check it out.’ Morag grabbed her car keys.

  ‘What about the boys?’ I leapt up, but dithered. Looked anxiously from Morag to our babies.

  ‘Leave them with me,’ said Nell, ‘they’ll be fine. Go!’ Nell heaved herself out of the armchair and shooed us to the front door. ‘Don’t forget your mobile phone Cass,’ she pressed it into the palm of my hand, ‘and make sure you keep me updated. Gosh, this is quite exciting. I’ll have to call you both Cagney and Lacey!’

  ‘Showing your age there Nellie-Wellie,’ I gave her a grim smile, and hastened after Morag.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Morag’s Galaxy didn’t take the corner of Nell’s cul-de-sac on two wheels, but inside the vehicle it certainly felt like it. As soon as we hit the M25, Morag floored the accelerator.

  ‘Where exactly is Maxwell’s Equestrian Centre?’ I asked anxiously. We had now merged on to the A21, and appeared to be heading towards Hastings.

  ‘Sevenoaks. Don’t panic. We’re not going that far. That was rather clever of Selina, booking somewhere off the beaten track. So Detective Cagney, how are you feeling after your foray into the world of drugs?’

  ‘The headache has gone. Although my forehead,’ I touched it gingerly, ‘feels a bit tender, thanks to the table bashing.’

  ‘Yes. Next time you get out of it, stick to table dancing.’

  ‘It’s not funny Morag. In fact, the more I think about it, the more furious I feel.’

  ‘I wonder what she slipped you,’ Morag pondered. ‘Do you know, in Pharmacology drugs have two names – a trade and a generic name. For example, the trade name of Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin. And Advil is also called Ibuprofen. I heard,’ Morag swung the Galaxy past a lorry, ‘that Big Pharma has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.’

  I gave Morag a sideways glance. ‘Are you being serious?’

  ‘Perfectly. After careful consideration, a team of government experts has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.’

  ‘Oh ha ha. Very funny. Not.’

  ‘Other considerations were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin and – of course – Mydixarizin.’

  ‘Morag this is no time to joke, I could have died!’

  ‘But you must joke about it Cass. It’s therapeutic. If you don’t, you’ll go barmy.’

  I stared out the window. Morag had a point. I couldn’t change what had happened. Laughing it off was a coping mechanism.

  ‘Well for your information, I actually read that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form.’

  ‘Really? Are you joking?’

  ‘Straight up. No pun intended. Pepsi Cola are going to market it as a power beverage mixer. So it will literally be possible for a man to pour himself a stiff one.’

  Morag snorted with laughter. ‘In which case they will no longer be able to call it a soft drink.’

  ‘Exactly,’ my lips twitched, ‘gives a whole new meaning to cocktails and highballs.’

  We both convulsed as the Galaxy shot off down a slip road. Suddenly we were in very green belt. We whizzed along winding roads, passing farms and bleak fields. I began to think our foray into Sevenoaks was nothing more than a wild goose chase. The winter afternoon was rapidly turning to dusk. Before our very eyes a feeble sun was sliding behind stark trees. Pale light was greying with every passing second.

  ‘This is Maxwell’s.’ Morag swung an abrupt left, and we bounced down a dirt track.

  ‘Geez,’ I muttered, nearly hitting my head on the Galaxy’s roof, ‘I thought you said this place was swanky.’

  ‘It is. The road is pot-holed for safety purposes. Maxwell’s don’t want cars whizzing along here and cannoning into their horse riders. See! Look at those riders ahead,’ Morag nodded at two large bay horses trundling back to the yard. ‘If I’d b
een going fast I could have crashed straight into those horses’ hocks and–’

  ‘It’s them!’ I shouted. The colour drained from my face. ‘That’s Stevie.’

  Morag dropped a gear. The Galaxy was now virtually crawling. ‘Are you sure Cass? Both riders are wearing hard hats and have their backs to us.’

  ‘I spent more years than I care to remember being married to Stevie. I’d recognise those shoulders anywhere. And note his riding companion is female. The person might have a hard hat on, but observe the long dark hair.’ I pointed at the woman’s locks trailing down her wax jacket. ‘I would bet my last lottery pound that is Selina.’

  Both riders had now reverted to single file, allowing us to overtake them.

  ‘Stevie doesn’t know my car, so I’m okay to pass them,’ Morag said. ‘However, I’d rather not risk them recognising us. You’d better jump in the back Cass. The rear passenger privacy glass will hide you. Hang on,’ Morag touched my arm, ‘before you leg it, have a quick rummage in the glove box. There’s a baseball cap in there, and a pair of sunnies. I need to hide my face.’

  I scrabbled frantically in the glove box, found a pair of Ray-Bans and pulled out a Burberry baseball cap. The Galaxy was almost at a standstill. The horses most certainly were. Stevie’s hack was swishing its tail impatiently. I prayed he wouldn’t look over his shoulder. Morag shoved the cap on her head, rammed the Ray-Bans on her nose, and pulled down the Galaxy’s sun visor for good measure. I launched myself over the handbrake and landed in a heap on the floor.

  ‘Stay down,’ Morag hissed. The Galaxy lurched forward again. ‘And you forgot this.’ She tossed my mobile after me. ‘Get ready to film.’

  I reached for the mobile. Oh bloody hell. I’d never even used the camera on my Android phone, never mind the video. I stabbed the screen randomly. No I did not want to set up a Google Account. Nor use the calculator. What the hell was a Cardock? The screen was now requesting me to turn on my Wi-Fi and connect to a network. I gnashed my teeth in frustration. Livvy had ridiculed me for wanting a Smartphone.

  ‘You’ll never learn to use it in a million years Mum,’ she’d guffawed.

  Rebelling furiously, I’d upgraded and told myself I would catch up with technology. Tomorrow. Or the day after tomorrow. But most definitely next week. None of which had ever come to pass.

  The Galaxy was speeding up again. I bounced around in the back feeling slightly motion sick.

  ‘I’m going to do a three point turn in a minute Cass, and then head back the other way. Are you ready to film them passing us head-on?’

  ‘No! I mean, yes!’ I sighed with relief at an icon labelled Camcorder. God’s sake. Why couldn’t they have labelled the button Video for the likes of technophobes like me? Suddenly I was all fingers and thumbs. The screen changed and the phone instantly displayed the Galaxy’s floor mats. Hoo-flippin’-ray. Lights, camera, action.

  ‘Camera’s rolling,’ I squeaked and hauled myself up. ‘Oh Lord.’ My bowels lurched as Selina appeared to look straight at me. ‘Are you sure they can’t see me.’

  ‘They might be able to make out your shape, but that’s all. Apart from anything else, the daylight is rapidly receding. Even if I wasn’t wearing my sunnies and cap, I don’t think they’d see my features that clearly. Are you managing to pick them up okay on that phone?’

  ‘Yep. The picture is a bit grainy, but good enough.’ I held the mobile up and let it play over Selina’s face, then let the picture drift to Stevie. They were both talking to each other. Selina was laughing about something. One could detect the sexual chemistry between them at five paces. I clung on to the phone, terrified of dropping it. I didn’t want to miss this golden opportunity of catching out my nemesis. The filming continued to roll without incident. The Galaxy bumped past the horses, and suddenly they were both behind us. I let out a shaky breath and hit the red button. ‘It’s a wrap.’

  ‘Well done.’ Morag whipped off the cap and sunglasses and chucked them back in the glove box.

  ‘Geez, I’m shaking like an aspen.’ I clambered back into the passenger seat. ‘I thought I was going to crap myself with nerves.’

  ‘You’re not alone,’ said Morag. She lifted one buttock and noisily broke wind.

  ‘Oh for–’ I flapped the mobile phone about, fanning the air between us.

  ‘Sorry,’ Morag apologised. ‘The adrenalin caught up with me – nervous tummy.’ She buzzed the window down to let in fresh air.

  I snapped my seat belt on. ‘Mission accomplished Lacey. Let’s hurry back to Nell’s, and pick up our boys.’

  By the time we arrived at Nell’s, my old neighbour was looking a little frayed around the edges. Both boys were grumpy and grizzly, plus Rosie was awake and wanting attention.

  ‘Thank Gawd you’re both back,’ sighed Nell. ‘I don’t know how mothers cope with triplets. So, was it a successful venture?’

  ‘Oh yes,’ I said smugly. ‘One hundred per cent. It’s all on here,’ I tapped my mobile. ‘I’m looking forward to sharing this with Jamie. If nothing else, I will prove Selina is a liar and a cheat.’

  By the time we were back at Morag’s, both boys were hungry and complaining loudly.

  ‘Come on in Cass,’ said Morag as she unstrapped Henry from his car seat. ‘Give Eddie a jar of Mr Heinz. I’m pretty sure our men are still watching their football match.’

  ‘Okay.’ I slung my hold-all over one shoulder and lifted Eddie onto my hip. Wrestling with the rear seat-belt, I pulled the baby seat out of the Galaxy. Taking a step backwards, I was just about to use my foot to slam the door when Morag shrieked with horror.

  ‘Cass! Do not even think about shutting my car door like that.’

  ‘Oh for the love of–’ I swung around and reversed my backside against the door instead. It clunked shut. Weighted down, I staggered into Morag’s hallway just in time to hear Matt and Jamie erupting at the television.

  ‘What a load of RUBBISH!’ Jamie shouted.

  ‘DISGRACEFUL!’ Matt bellowed his agreement. ‘The lads at the local primary school can play better than that lot.’

  I deposited Eddie’s car seat in the hall, and followed Morag into the lounge.

  ‘Ah, hello my angel!’ Matt hastily removed his feet from the coffee table. He stood up and began plumping cushions. Gone were the days when his house was littered with muddy riding boots, or had grubby saddles leaning up against the French doors. Now that Morag was Mrs Harding with her feet firmly installed under the fashionably distressed kitchen table, Matt’s house was like something out of the pages of Country Living magazine.

  ‘Hi,’ Morag went over and kissed Matt full on the mouth. ‘Take Henry while I get a bottle for him, and then I’ll sort out dinner. Jamie, would you and Cass like to join us? The kids are welcome too.’

  Jamie eased himself out of an armchair. ‘Thanks Morag. That’s sweet of you. But we’ll be heading home.’

  ‘As you like.’ Morag headed off to the kitchen.

  ‘Cassie,’ Jamie nodded at me. ‘How are you feeling?’

  Since when had my husband ever nodded at me by way of greeting?

  ‘Hello darling,’ I smiled. Jamie didn’t smile back. ‘I’m fine. Sound as a pound.’ I stared at my husband. He was acting very strange. Quiet. I’d never seen him like this before. Matt suddenly seemed very alive to the shift in atmosphere.

  ‘I’ll just see how Morag is doing with that milk,’ he said tactfully. He almost bolted from the room, such was his discomfort.

  ‘And you?’ I asked.

  ‘Me what?’

  ‘Well, how are you of course?’ What an awful conversation. So stilted.

  ‘Tired.’

  ‘Oh dear. Didn’t you sleep well last night?’

  ‘Funnily enough, no.’ A nerve was going in Jamie’s cheek.

  ‘Why?’ I asked in a small voice.

  Jamie finally crossed the room, but only to take Eddie from my arms. ‘Hello my handsome boy,’ he kissed the top of Eddie’s downy
head. ‘And what have you been up to today?’ Jamie was rewarded with a gummy smile.

  ‘Why?’ I asked again.

  ‘We’ll talk at home Cassie.’

  ‘Oh but I was just about to give Eddie a jar of–’

  ‘Make it quick,’ Jamie handed Eddie back to me. ‘The children are still down the stables. I’ll round them up. We’ll be waiting in the car.’ And with that he turned on his heel. ‘Catch you later guys,’ he called out to Matt and Morag. Their voices floated back in unison. Jamie picked up Eddie’s car seat and let himself out.

  ‘Right then,’ I said to Eddie. ‘Let’s be having that jar of baby food.’ I forced a bright smile. But as I set off to the kitchen, my stomach was in knots.

  Chapter SixteenOn the drive home to Lilac Lodge, Jamie was very quiet. His somewhat solemn mood made me feel edgy. Even the children seemed subdued. Only Eddie made any noise, happily blowing bubbles to himself.

  As the Muck Truck swung through the electric gates, my gaze fell upon Arthur coming out of our garage. He put up a hand and waved. Jamie waved back.

  ‘Here comes Captain Birdseye,’ Jamie murmured.

  I giggled, relieved that the tension between us had broken.

  ‘And there’s his first mate,’ I nodded at Edna who appeared a moment later. She was wiping her hands on an old rag.

  We piled out of the car and into the house. The delicious smell of home cooking pervaded the air. Edna followed us in. She washed her hands at the sink and then set about laying the table.

  ‘Something smells scrumptious,’ Jamie stooped to kiss his mother on one floury cheek.

  ‘Nothing amazing I’m afraid. I left a chicken chasseur and some jacket potatoes to slow cook in the oven. We’ve been working on the boat all day. Cassandra dear, if you want to bath Eddie before dinner I won’t be dishing up for another twenty minutes.’

  ‘Yes, okay. Thanks Edna.’ Yet again I was being organised in my own home, but as my headache was making a comeback, I batted away such irritation. My stomach let out a growl of hunger. It had been a long time since the coffee and Hob Nobs at Nell’s. Food, especially cooked by Edna, would be most welcome.