Lipstick and Lies

by Viggiano, Debbie

‘Then they go to sleep. In their separate berths. They’re too old for shenanigans Cassie.’

  ‘Does that mean that when you’re seventy-two you will no longer be up for it?’ I gave Jamie a playful push towards our bed.

  ‘No!’ he gasped. ‘I would hazard not.’

  ‘Why?’ I began to unbutton his shirt.

  ‘Darling I’m sorry but I really cannot even begin to think about doing anything sexy when my mother has just–’

  ‘Shhh,’ I put a finger over Jamie’s lips and felt for the belt on his trousers. ‘Sometimes you think too much.’

  ‘Is this my wife talking?’

  ‘No. It’s your lover talking.’

  ‘My lover eh?’

  ‘Yes,’ I shoved him backwards and he fell onto the bed. ‘Your lover who does unspeakably rude things.’

  ‘Tell me more,’ Jamie whispered.

  My hand snaked out for the bedside light. Seconds later the room plunged into darkness.

  ‘So,’ Morag chortled, ‘old Edna is a bit of a goer on the quiet eh?’

  She reached for the coffee pot and topped mine and Nell’s cups up. The three of us were seated in Morag’s bright sunny kitchen. Eddie and Henry were gurgling together in Henry’s playpen. Through the kitchen window I could see Matt talking to an owner whilst stable girls scurried about seeing to hay nets and water buckets.

  ‘Jamie was beside himself,’ I reached for a Hob Nob. ‘By the way, not a word about this to Matt and Ben okay?’ I bit into the biscuit. ‘I’m not sure my husband would be thrilled to know I’ve been gossiping with the pair of you about his mother’s love life.’

  ‘Blimey,’ said Nell, ‘and there was me thinking Ben and I were pretty much past it,’ she shifted baby Rosie onto her other breast, ‘just goes to show that there’s potentially life in an old dog yet.’

  ‘And talking of dogs,’ said Morag, ‘I do wish you’d left Rocket at home Nell. She keeps drooling all over my clean kitchen floor. Oh for goodness sake,’ Morag rolled her eyes at Rocket. Ribbons of saliva were hanging from Rocket’s jowls. ‘Give her a Hob Nob.’

  Nell leant forward, shifting Rosie slightly, and tipped half a packet of Hob Nobs on the floor.

  ‘Not like that!’ screeched Morag. ‘I’ll have to anti-bac the floor now.’

  ‘For goodness sake Morag,’ chided Nell, ‘your floor is so clean I could eat my dinner off it.’

  ‘Not after your dog’s bottom has been all over it,’ Morag protested.

  ‘You have strong OCD tendencies, do you know that?’ Nell reached for another Hob Nob.

  ‘Girls, girls,’ I clapped my hands.

  ‘So what did Jamie think about Selina spiking your drink?’ asked Nell, tactfully changing the subject.

  ‘He thought it was an absolute load of tosh and nonsense,’ I took a sip of coffee. ‘Nor was he best pleased that I’d spent the afternoon filming Stevie and Selina at Maxwell’s Equestrian Centre.’

  ‘Did you show him the evidence?’ asked Morag.

  ‘Er, it didn’t film quite the way I’d hoped. Initially Jamie pooh-poohed Stevie being involved with Selina, but later said it was none of our business.’

  ‘Well he’s got a point,’ said Morag. ‘Doesn’t alter the fact that we all think Selina is up to no good though.’

  ‘I followed her again yesterday,’ I lowered my voice conspiratorially.

  ‘What?’ Nell sprayed biscuit crumbs over Rosie.

  ‘Selina threw a sickie from work. And it just so happens that Stevie did too. I accidentally stumbled across the pair of them whilst I was out shopping for an evening dress–’

  ‘Well you could have told me Cass. I’d have loved to have done a bit of shopping.’ Morag looked incredibly put out.

  ‘Sorry,’ I placated, ‘but it was totally spur of the moment.’ Morag looked slightly mollified. ‘Anyway, when I was reversing my car out of its space, who should be walking behind it?’

  ‘Stevie and Selina,’ breathed Nell.

  ‘The very one and same,’ I nodded picking up another Hob Nob. ‘He is such a slippery snake.’

  ‘That reminds me of a joke,’ said Nell, ‘you’ll like this.’

  ‘Spit it out Nellie-Wellie,’ Morag groaned. We both propped our elbows on the table, chins cupped in palms.

  ‘There once lived, deep in a forest, an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. Both were blind from birth. One day the bunny was hopping through the forest when he tripped over the snake. “I’m sorry,” said the bunny, “I'm blind. And because I’m also an orphan, I don't even know what I am.” “It’s okay,” replied the snake, “I too have been blind since birth and never knew my mother. Maybe I could slither over you and work out what you are.” “That would be wonderful,” replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny and said, “You're covered in soft fur, you have long ears, your nose twitches and you have a cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit.” The bunny said, “Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw and help you too.” So the bunny felt the snake all over and reached his conclusion. “You're smooth and slippery. You have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. So you’re either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management.”

  ‘Stevie to perfection,’ I giggled.

  ‘So,’ Morag turned the conversation back to Selina, ‘what happened after you spotted the pair of them in the car park?’

  ‘I waited for them to drive off, and then I followed them.’

  Morag’s eyes widened. ‘And did you manage to keep up?’

  ‘Yes,’ I beamed, ‘I’ll make a getaway driver yet!’

  ‘So where did you follow them to?’ asked Nell.

  ‘To Selina’s bachelorette pad. A swanky building in Blackheath. They’d obviously gone back to hers for a bonk.’

  ‘And then what happened?’ asked Morag.

  ‘Well,’ I grimaced, ‘then I realised I was behaving rather ridiculously, and went and fetched the kids from school. But one thing is certain. Selina is messing about with my ex-husband. So much for Jamie insisting she’s loved up to the eyeballs with Ethan.’

  ‘Loved up,’ Morag sneered. ‘The woman sounds like a mercenary gold digger.’

  ‘Of that there’s no doubt,’ I nodded.

  ‘So what’s all this about shopping for an evening dress?’ Morag once again topped up our coffees.

  ‘Oh don’t remind me,’ I groaned. ‘The bank’s annual ball. This Saturday. Me and Jamie. With Ethan and Selina.’

  Nell blew out her cheeks. ‘Well I don’t care what Jamie says Cass. You watch your grub. And your glass. I wouldn’t want that woman around anything that’s going near my mouth.’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ I nodded, ‘her card is marked. I might just lean over her dinner and drop Senakot over it.’

  ‘That reminds me,’ said Nell unlatching Rosie from her breast, ‘I must get some laxatives. Haven’t had a good pooh since my daughter was born.’

  ‘Thank you for sharing Nell,’ Morag rolled her eyes.

  ‘Well it’s true,’ said Nell hoiking up her maternity bra. ‘Much as I love my darling daughter, she is definitely the last baby I shall be having. In the first flush of pregnancy you suffer morning sickness. I’d completely forgotten you can keep vomiting long after you think you’re finished. And then when you’re nearing the end of the pregnancy, it completely wrecks your fanny. Not to mention your backside. Do you know–’

  ‘Nell I do not want to know about your haemorrhoids,’ Morag waggled a finger.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘Because I want another baby and I don’t want you putting me off. So,’ Morag turned her attention back to me, ‘tell us both about the evening dress you bought.’

  When I went downstairs the following morning with Eddie on my hip, Edna was already at the kitchen range. The aroma of sausage and hash browns filled the air.

  ‘Good morning Cassandra dear,’ she trilled. Just like that. As if she’d been in our house all night long tuck
ed up on the pull-out bed in the study. Not knocking back nightcaps – or whatever it was that seventy-two year old women did in the privacy of another pensioner’s home.

  ‘Hello Edna,’ I smiled. ‘No Arthur this morning?’

  ‘No dear.’ My mother-in-law gave the frying pan a vigorous shake. ‘He’ll be coming over a little later.’ She didn’t quite meet my gaze.

  At that moment Jamie came in. There was a shift in the atmosphere. As though a chill wind had blown in. ‘Morning Mother,’ he said bleakly, before sitting down at the table.

  Edna didn’t bat an eyelid. ‘Good morning Jamie dear.’

  ‘So,’ Jamie did a spot of noisy throat clearing, ‘did you discuss whatever it was you wanted to discuss with Arthur?’

  ‘Yes thank you dear.’

  ‘And that warranted you staying out all night did it?’ The words were out before Jamie could stop them.

  ‘Um, I think I’ll just take Eddie’s bottle up to the nursery and leave you two–’

  ‘Good idea,’ said Jamie curtly. I hastened out of the kitchen. Seconds later the door closed after me. Oh God. Please don’t let my husband get stroppy. It was bad enough trying to stop him from losing his cool with the children sometimes, never mind a lovesick pensioner.

  I went upstairs and into Eddie’s nursery. Picking up Eddie, I plonked myself in the rocking chair. Settling my baby boy into the crook of one arm, I gave him his bottle. I could hear the children scampering about in their rooms as they sorted themselves out for school. Petra’s radio burst into life. Seconds later Dave Berry and Lisa Snowden were clashing with the boys listening to Radio 1. The sounds of a family home. I rocked away contentedly while Eddie guzzled from his bottle.

  Minutes later a shadow fell across the doorway. I looked up to see Jamie standing there. He looked white-faced. Shocked.

  ‘Whatever’s the matter darling?’ I asked in alarm.

  ‘It’s Arthur,’ Jamie whispered.

  I paled. ‘Has something happened?’

  ‘Yes. He’s asked Mum to marry him.’

  Chapter Nineteen

  I stared at my husband. He looked devastated. As though the bottom of his world had fallen out.

  ‘Jamie?’

  ‘She can’t marry him Cassie. They’ve only known each other five minutes.’

  ‘Has Edna accepted Arthur’s proposal?’

  ‘Not yet. She said she’d think about it.’

  ‘Well there you go then,’ I said, rocking Eddie. ‘Your Mum isn’t daft darling. She’s not the type to rush into something without thinking it through.’

  ‘Actually, I disagree.’ Jamie moved over to the window. He gazed out at the Common below. The ground was smothered in glittering frost. The bare trees added to the bleak look at this early hour of the morning. ‘If she thinks things through properly, how come there’s a scaled-down ocean liner in our garage?’

  ‘Well,’ I blustered, ‘granted that was a bit uncharacteristic but–’

  ‘Uncharacteristic!’ Jamie spluttered. ‘It was totally impulsive, reckless and irresponsible. I know my mother’s always been a bit eccentric – brandishing an egg whisk in one hand and a power drill in the other – but there’s a world of difference between knocking up a bookcase for the kids and buying a shipwreck with a man she hardly knows. Do you think Arthur’s after her money?’

  ‘No, of course not! Why are you so against Arthur all of a sudden? I thought you liked him.’

  ‘I’m not against him. And he seems perfectly affable. I just don’t want him–’

  ‘As a step-father,’ I finished Jamie’s sentence.

  Jamie turned his back to the window and leant against the sill. ‘No, no, it’s not that,’ he sighed. ‘I guess I’ve been so used to Mum being single for decades, I just assumed she’d always be on her own. It just seems strange, after all these years, to think of her being romantically involved with someone.’

  ‘She had to get used to you being romantically involved again Jamie. After you were widowed.’

  ‘Hardly the same thing though, is it? I’m younger than her.’

  ‘Oh my God,’ I crowed, ‘you sound like a typical Neanderthal man. Sexist. Ageist. Utter prejudice!’ I stood up and put Eddie over my shoulder. Rubbed his back. ‘Whatever the future holds for Edna and Arthur, I’m sure it will be a very companionable one – whether they marry or not. They clearly have common interests.’ Eddie emitted a man-sized belch.

  ‘Well I’d just like to see a long, old-fashioned courtship. That’s all. There’s no need to rush into things.’

  ‘Of course, darling. I mean, we didn’t eh? We had the longest courtship in history.’

  ‘That was different,’ Jamie huffed.

  ‘Absolutely,’ I nodded. ‘We were never like Edna and Arthur. They are only in their seventies after all. They’ve all the time in the world, right?’

  Jamie opened his mouth to say something, but then appeared to change his mind. ‘I’d better get ready for work. Selina is apparently going to be off for the rest of the week.’

  My head jerked up. ‘What’s the matter with her?’

  ‘Haven’t a clue. But Ethan is concerned. He said she’s very out of sorts. Pre-occupied and distant. And periodically behaving quite oddly. He confided that Selina still sees a psychiatrist and counsellor routinely. Apparently she hasn’t kept her last two appointments, but won’t talk about it.’

  ‘I hope he knows what he’s doing taking her on,’ I grimaced. ‘He could do miles better than an unstable basket case like–’

  ‘Now who’s showing prejudice?’

  ‘Not without due cause.’ I pursed my lips. How had the conversation shifted from Edna and potential wedding bells to Selina and her mislaid marbles? I placed Eddie down on his changing mat and set about topping and tailing him. Blasted woman. All she seemed to have done recently was invade my life. And now, even though she wasn’t in my house, somehow her very name had conjured up the ghost of her presence, upsetting the harmony within my home. I snapped Eddie into a clean romper suit and stood up.

  ‘Let’s not argue.’ Jamie moved towards me. Moments later his arms encircled Eddie and me. ‘I know Selina will never be your best friend. And I’m sorry you’ve recently seen so much of her.’ Jamie kissed the tip of my nose.

  I shrugged and sighed. ‘I shall look forward to dancing with my husband at the bank’s ball. You’d better get ready for work, or you’ll be late.’

  ‘Yep,’ Jamie took Eddie from me for a quick cuddle. ‘And by the way Cassie, don’t mention anything to Morag and Nell about Mum’s marriage proposal.’

  ‘Of course not,’ I replied.

  ‘So when do you think Edna will make up her mind about marrying Arthur?’ asked Nell.

  ‘I really don’t know.’ I set three mugs on the table and moved a screwdriver out of the way. Clearly Edna had left it behind. Nell, Morag and I had congregated, this time in my kitchen, for one of our regular coffee mornings. ‘Edna hasn’t even mentioned the marriage word to me. Only to Jamie.’

  ‘So Mum’s the word,’ said Morag, tapping her nose.

  ‘Discretion is my middle name,’ Nell assured.

  Outside the sounds of Edna and Arthur banging and crashing about on the boat filtered across the driveway. In between bashes, a blaring radio could be heard.

  ‘Just think Cass,’ said Morag reflectively, ‘all that wasted time we spent looking for potential husbands. Trawling wine bars. Nightclubs. Not forgetting speed dating. And what we should have done was visit our local B&Q and loiter around the paint aisles. And then we’d have been up to our elbows not just in boats, but dreamboats. Funny old world.’

  Nell picked up her coffee and blew on it. ‘Didn’t you two also try out The Lonely Hearts column in the local rag?’

  ‘Oh God,’ scoffed Morag, ‘all those pitiful specimens who advertised themselves in print. Do you remember, Cass, going on a blind date with that Granddad who tried to make out he was only forty-something years old?’
/>
  I put some Hob Nobs on the table. ‘Don’t remind me. Certainly there were a few who told porkies about themselves.’

  ‘Like what?’ Nell stretched a hand across the table and palmed a Hob Nob.

  ‘Well, there was one guy who waxed lyrical about himself. Said he was passionate, open-minded, adventurous and emotionally secure.’

  ‘Sounds too good to be true,’ Nell pulled a face.

  ‘And was,’ I agreed, helping myself to a Hob Nob. ‘He turned out to be a desperate, pathological liar, on medication with stalker tendencies.’

  ‘Or what about that guy who insisted he was thirtyish, athletic and large framed?’ Morag giggled.

  ‘Bit of a hunk?’ Nell raised an eyebrow.

  ‘If you like hugely fat sixty year olds with bigger boobs than me. The women were just as bad,’ said Morag. ‘You can bet your last fiver that if a woman described herself as a fun, new age feminist it actually meant she was an annoying whinger with body hair in the wrong places.’

  ‘Well you both found your soulmates in the end,’ Nell brushed crumbs off her hands before reaching for her mug. ‘And with a bit of luck, Edna has found hers too.’

  ‘Found my what?’ said a familiar voice.

  I froze. Christ, I hadn’t heard the back door open. How long had she been standing there listening to us gossiping? Long enough to hear me indiscreetly talking about marriage proposals that I wasn’t even meant to know about, never mind repeat?

  ‘Um, your screwdriver,’ I snatched up the forgotten implement and waggled it at Edna.

  ‘Thank you Cassandra dear,’ Edna wiped her feet before coming over to me and retrieving it. She slid the screwdriver into the folds of a leather tool satchel strung around her waist. ‘Don’t mind me girls, carry on talking. I’ve just popped in to make Arthur and myself a quick sandwich.’ Edna washed her hands at the sink before removing the breadboard from a cupboard.

  ‘I must say, you’re a dark horse Edna,’ Nell chirruped. ‘I didn’t even know you’d bought a boat, never mind found yourself a bloke. So you’re shacking up together on an ocean wave. Nifty work! What’s this Arthur like then?’

  Morag and I stared at each other, appalled. I caught Nell’s eye and made a slicing motion across my throat. All that tripe about discretion being her middle name. Nell looked perplexed. ‘What’s the matter?’ she hissed, ‘I’m only making conversation.’