Made You Look

by Diane Roberts

  “What she failed to tell you was some of them would be life threatening.” I took a crunchy bite. “What about the tree that fell on their car during that rainstorm? What about Uncle Dan's snakebite? Have you forgotten the mud slide?”

  Mom frowned. “We didn't discuss those things, Jason. That's why Aunt Kate went into therapy—to forget them. She's trying to help our family have a little fun.”

  “I don't consider putting our lives in danger fun.” I reached for the pitcher of juice. “Hey, I think the bacon's burning,” I said.

  She lowered the fire and turned the Vent-A-Hood on high. The room filled with smoke but she didn't seem concerned. The fire department had been out to our house dozens of times for grease fires. I shook my head. Mom was going to be a real hazard in the woods. No Vent-A-Hood. No firemen. Smokey the Bear was not going to consider her a friend.

  “Dad thought you and Jen would like sleeping out under the stars and cooking over an open fire. It's going to be a great experience. You'll make lots of new friends.”

  “Don't hold your breath,” I said. I grabbed the last piece of toast and headed out the back door. Our teachers had an in-service training day and we didn't have to be at school until after lunch, so I'd get a chance to see the camper. Freddy rode out of his driveway and popped two wheelies before he came to a stop. “Is this the day?” he asked.

  “Yes. Aunt Kate just called.” I looked up just in time to see Uncle Dan and Aunt Kate pull into our driveway. Uncle Dan blasted the horn. Mom, Jen, and Millicent ran out to see the camper. Aunt Kate waved like a queen on a float in a parade. You couldn't miss the grin on Uncle Dan's face. He looked like he'd made the sale of the century. Even Patches acted excited. Freddy, Jen, and I sat on the ground and watched Uncle Dan and Dad switch the camper from Uncle Dan's old sedan to our SUV.

  “Let's open it up so the kids can see,” Dad said to Uncle Dan. The system was supported with four legs. Each leg was secured to the rack on top of the car. The camper could be set up in about ten minutes and taken down again in the same amount of time by one person. I had to admit it was clever.

  “What about it, kids?” Dad called over to Jen and me. “See?” He gestured proudly. “It's amazing. We have everything we need for a great camping trip.” I could tell from the look on Dad's face that he was determined to make a better camper than Uncle Dan had. He held the book of directions Uncle Dan had brought him close to his chest. From what I'd heard about Uncle Dan's camping trip, I figured if he had been a pioneer he would have died the first day on the trail. Dad would study the booklet thoroughly before we left town. He'd follow all the directions. He'd be prepared.

  So would I. I had gone so far as to dig up pictures of Uncle Dan's swollen leg after the snakebite. His cheeks were puffed out like a soufflé and the look of pain on his face was pathetic. I was waiting for the perfect time to show them to everyone as a reminder.

  Millicent pounced on my lap. She kept bouncing on my legs. I couldn't imagine what she'd do cooped up in a car for hours at a time.

  Mom and Aunt Kate went through all the equipment that came with the Camp'otel.

  “Everything's so cute,” Jen said, giggling. She had always been a traitor.

  The camper was a self-contained system. It not only had bunking accommodations on top of our SUV, but a twoburner Coleman stove, space for two water tanks, two benches that were used in combination with the stove house to make a picnic table, a portable potty, and a ladder for climbing from the ground to the top of the car.

  “Check it out,” said Freddy admiringly. I glared at him.

  One of the water tanks was used for drinking water and the other was used for taking a shower inside a circular curtain that was also stowed in the system. The shower was set up beside the car. It had a flimsy red-and-white plastic curtain that reminded me of an old-fashioned barber pole. Maybe someone would think we gave haircuts and we could earn some money along our way. When Dad set up the shower I started laughing.

  “What's so funny, Mr. Pinkie?” Jen asked.

  “I was just imagining you showering in front of total strangers in a plastic shower cap. That's all.”

  “They have nice bathrooms at those campgrounds,” she snapped. “We don't have to use this shower unless the bathhouse is full. Mom showed me the brochures. And for your information,” she continued, “all the showers have doors. There's plenty of hot water, too! The brochures promised.”

  Just watching Dad set up the camper was making me feel crabby. “Duh, Jen. They camouflage the bad stuff in those brochures so people will be tricked into staying there.”

  “Like you would know!” she said in a huff. Then she grabbed Millicent's hand and stomped away. Freddy grinned. Sisters.

  “Jeez, Jason,” Freddy said when the camper was completed. “Too bad P. T. Barnum isn't here. He'd have loved the Camp'otel”

  “Huh?” I said. “Who?”

  “P. T. Barnum. Don't you remember? ‘There's a—' ”

  Freddy had snuck in another trivia question.

  “ ‘—sucker born every minute,' ” I finished sadly, looking at Dad and shaking my head.

  Aunt Kate kept insisting there wouldn't be much dish washing on our trip. “Use paper for everything.”

  Aunt Kate was very into paper. When she and Uncle Dan were engaged, Aunt Kate got it in her head that she wanted a throwaway paper wedding dress. Apparently she'd read about some eccentric actress who'd had one. And since it was Aunt Kate's third wedding, I guess she didn't want to be out a lot of money on a dress. If this marriage didn't work, she told Mom, she could always line the bottom of her birdcage with it. No big deal.

  “Oh, Kate!” Mom said when she brought the dress by for us to see. “It's lovely.” Even I had to admit it wasn't half bad. Aunt Kate had floated down the aisle like a paper princess. Her long white train rustled behind her as she walked toward the altar. It was at the reception that the paper hit the shredder, so to speak. Just as the happy bride and groom were about to make a wedding toast, Uncle Dan, who had drunk one too many glasses of champagne, knocked over two candelabras. Before anyone realized it Aunt Kate's wedding train went up in smoke. Everyone threw their champagne on the fire, and poor Aunt Kate looked like a soggy paper napkin when she left for her honeymoon.

  “I hope it doesn't rain when we eat at the campgrounds,” I said. “We all know what water does to paper.” Uncle Dan's face turned the color of a tomato. No one said another word about the wonderful Camp'otel.

  I lay back in the grass, resting my head on my hands. There were a million clouds in the sky. One of them looked exactly like a dinosaur. Maybe camping wasn't going to be so bad after all. If that was the only way I could get to California, then I guess I'd have to do it.

  “Well?” Freddy said.

  “Well what?” I said, sitting up abruptly.

  “I wonder if your uncle Dan is going to mention his snakebite.” Freddy crossed his arms over his chest. “That reminds me. “Who was the founder of the American Red Cross?”

  “Clara Barton,” I said. “May 21, 1881.”

  “Name five poisonous snakes.”

  I shook my head. “You don't let up, do you?”

  “A good manager never lets his client rest,” he said, punching me in the arm. “Well, come on. Quick.”

  I held four fingers in his face. “Rattlesnake. Coral snake.” I got goose bumps thinking about them. “Cobra. Water moccasin.”

  “Good answers,” he said. “One more.”

  I held up my thumb. “And Amberson.” I laughed. “That makes five.”

  I coasted across our yard as Mom pulled into the driveway. Patches ran to greet me like he always did when I got home from school. I threw a ball for him to catch, and without Bruno around he scored big-time.

  Mom honked the horn and waved. “Help me carry in these groceries. I did the shopping for our trip.” She got out and handed me a couple of sacks. “Why are you so late? I was just about to call the school.”

  �
�Ms. Ware is having us soar again,” I said. “We're making papier-mâché sculptures and we had to clean up before we left.” I looked at my watch. I was only ten minutes later than usual but I knew there was no sense arguing about it.

  “What's your project?”

  “An allosaurus head. I'm going to use it as my costume when I try out for Mania. It's awesome.”

  “We're taking lots of stuff with us, Jason. Can't you use something else? I don't think we'll have room for an allosaurus head in the car. Especially if it's large.”

  “We've got to have room, Mom. It's impressive. Wait till you see it,” I said. “There's lots of storage space behind the third seat.” That's where I was planning on riding during the trip.

  Mom shrugged. “Dad will have to see if he can make it fit somewhere in the car, then. You know him. He loves solving a problem.”

  “I've got a problem I wish he'd solve.”

  “What?”

  “Amberson Anderson! He's a jerk, Mom. He follows me everywhere I go and he's always trying to butt in with Freddy and me. He's a big copycat.” I didn't usually tell my mom about my problems at school. Knowing her, she'd have me signed up for workshops like Bullies Are Potential Friends. But for some reason I was feeling talkative.

  “When someone copies you it's a form of flattery. He probably wants to be like you,” she said. “Maybe he just wants to be friends. Have you ever thought of that?” I should have known she'd say something like that. My mom was a travel agent for guilt trips.

  “He sure has a funny way of showing it. He plays mean tricks on everyone, but I'm his main target.”

  “Tricks? What kind of tricks?”

  “Like the dead goldfish in my desk that time.”

  “That was a couple of years ago. I thought he'd outgrown that sort of thing. He hasn't done it again, has he?”

  “No. He was banned from the fish tank. But he never runs out of ideas. Like stealing my homework and putting valentine stickers on it before turning it in to Ms. Ware.”

  Mom laughed. “She didn't believe you did that, did she?” She reached for a sack of groceries and started putting them in the cabinets.

  “I don't know. She looked at me funny all day.” I stuffed a bag of pretzels into the oven, Mom's extra storage space. “One time he told the school nurse I was barfing and she rushed into class with a wet rag for my face. He does stuff like that all the time.”

  I didn't mention the jalapeño juice in the yogurt. Mom would rush me to the emergency room and have my stomach pumped. If she only knew about the food coloring in my lemonade the week before or the salt Ambie Boy puts in my milk every chance he gets, she'd have me admitted to Harris Hospital for observation. Any mom who puts thermometers and an economy box of Band-Aids in their kid's Christmas stocking is a little overprotective.

  I put the last sack of food on the table. “It looks like you're planning on feeding the whole state.” I didn't dare ask who was going to do the cooking. I took a dish of leftover banana pudding from the fridge and sat down at the table. A sour smell filled the kitchen when I pulled the lid off.

  “Sick,” I said, waving around the stench. Mom turned to see what had happened. “What kind of pudding is green?”

  “Don't eat that,” she said, as if I was still considering it. She jerked the bowl from my hands and dumped it into the sink.

  “Maybe I should take some to school tomorrow and share with Amberson.”

  “Jason! I wish you wouldn't joke like that.”

  “Who's joking? He tried to poison me the other day with jalapeño juice in my yogurt.” Oops. “Green banana pudding would serve him right.”

  “You didn't eat it, did you?” she asked, feeling my forehead.

  “Mom, I'm okay. I don't have a fever. I don't need to go to the emergency room and I'm not going to die. But that's the sort of thing Amberson does. Do you think offering me yogurt mixed with hot-pepper juice sounds like he's trying to be my friend? Or that sending mushy notes to Kara Kaye and signing my name to them is something a real friend would do? Or telling the basketball coach that I had quit the team when we went out of town over the weekend and I missed the game?”

  Mom pursed her lips. “Sounds to me like he's trying to get some attention from you.”

  “He's got it all right,” I said. “I nearly creamed him the other day. I would have, too, if Freddy hadn't stopped me.”

  Mom sighed. “His parents don't spend a lot of time with him. I saw his grandfather the other day at the bank. He told me Amberson's parents are going to Europe this summer and that he'll be taking care of Amberson. He sounded interested in our camping trip.”

  “Mom!” I screeched. “How could you? You didn't tell him about the show, did you?”

  “No.” She winked. “But I'm sure he'd root for you to win.” I could feel a good case of hiccups coming on.

  Mom smiled. “Sit down, Jason, and stop worrying. I have some good news, some bad news, and some great news.”

  “Give me the good news first,” I said. “It's been a long day.” She handed me a piece of chocolate cake. I checked it out before I took a bite. Mold was hard to see on chocolate frosting and I didn't want to take any chances.

  “The good news is,” she said, pouring me a glass of milk, “we have reservations in the RWU Campgrounds all the way to California.”

  “That's good news? What are RWU Campgrounds?” I asked warily.

  “Relax With Us Campgrounds. They have everything campers could possibly need or want. There are bathhouses, laundry facilities, computer and fax machines, picnic tables, big shade trees, hookups for people who need airconditioning, running water, lights, and best of all, playgrounds.” She unfolded a brochure. “See?” She pointed to grainy pictures of basketball and shuffleboard courts. “Some even have swimming pools.” She sat back in her chair and beamed like she had just been selected spokesperson for the RWU Campgrounds of America.

  “Gee, can we play Red Rover, too?” She didn't laugh.

  I took the brochure and scanned it. At least there would be computer hookups. I'd be able to e-mail Freddy every day.

  “Jen and Millicent can play on the swings,” I said, tossing the brochure back on the table. “I won't be leaving the backseat until we hit Beverly Hills. I need privacy.”

  “Privacy isn't one of the features of a camping trip.” Then she made another announcement. “No one is sitting behind the third seat. We're using that space for the cooler, blankets, pillows, games, books, and anything else we might want during driving time. One of you will have to crawl over the seat and get us snacks when we make pit stops.”

  “So what's the bad news?” I asked. I couldn't imagine it being worse than being squished behind Jen and Millicent.

  Her face turned pink. Surely she hadn't invited Amberson on our trip, but you could never tell with Mom. She was a surprise a minute. “We're traveling light. Each of us can take only five changes of clothes, two pairs of pajamas, one robe, one pair of shoes, and a swimsuit. That's it. We can take only what fits into a small duffel bag.”

  My hiccups had stopped but I started laughing like crazy. “Have you told Jen?” My sister changes her clothes five times a day, six if it's a school day. Mom went on to explain that the Camp'otel wasn't big enough for all of us to sleep inside. Jen and I would be sleeping in a tent next to our car. My laughing stopped. The tent was large enough for four people and we'd have plenty of room, but strangers could walk by our tent at night, going to the bathroom, or the office, or who knows where? There were going to be animals lurking around, too. If we weren't careful we could find ourselves sharing our tent with some strange varmint.

  “Oh, great,” I said, thinking of Jen. “I could be sleeping with two skunks instead of just one. Jeez, Mom. All of this sounds like bad news to me.”

  “Jason,” Mom said. “It would be much nicer if you'd try to cooperate.” I gave her a faint smile and started up the stairs to my room.

  “Don't you want the great news?”r />
  I went back into the kitchen. “Yeah. Shoot, Mom. Anything you say will be great news after hearing what you just told me.”

  “Dad and I know how disappointed you've been about the plane.” I waited. “So … since we're sending Jen to ballet camp at the end of the summer we decided you could take Freddy with us to California.”

  “Really?” I shouted.

  Mom nodded. “His parents have already said it's okay. And Freddy's said yes. He's waiting to hear from you.”

  “Wow!” I yelled, grabbing Mom and swinging her in a circle. “Thanks, Mom. That is great news!” Freddy's phone was busy, so I raced upstairs and logged on to my computer. The dark screen sprang to life. I typed in my password. Then I put “Entrepreneur” in the address.

  Hey, Entrepreneur! With a manager like you I can't miss getting on the show. Don't forget to watch tonight. You're taking your life in your hands coming with us but there's a sucker born every minute. Right? P. T. Barnum said so. Welcome aboard, sucker. Masquerade Mania, here we come! Mania Man

  I was in the middle of writing my essay for Ms. Ware when Jen's signature four-rap knock jolted me from my desk chair.

  “Hey, Jason?” she said through the door. “Can I come in for a minute?”

  I waited. Then I frowned. Jen usually stormed right in after her knock. Something was up. “I guess,” I allowed graciously, still on a high after Mom's great news. “For one minute.”

  “I've never seen you work so hard on a project before,” she said, eyeing the computer. “This must be something special.”

  “My class is voting on the best art project and essay. The person who gets the most votes gets free movie tickets every weekend for the whole summer.” I laced my fingers behind my head. “I plan on spending my summer at the movies.”

  “That sounds like something Ms. Ware would do,” Jen said. “She's the best.” She did some weird dance move across my room and knocked over my desk lamp.

  “Hey!” I said. “Watch out.”