“Don’t be such a sad sack. Besides, think of it this way, if he doesn’t call you, you can’t even blame it on your heart, because you didn’t tell him about it.”
“Thanks for that. So if he doesn’t call it’s just due to the fact that I’m terrible company then?”
She winks at me. “Exactly.”
“That makes me feel so much better,” I deadpan.
She smirks at me. “Don’t say I never do anything for you.”
We sit in silence for a moment as the drink I ordered is brought over to our table.
“So, what are you going to do, Vi?”
I don’t have an answer for that. I can’t possibly. I don’t even know if Rylan wants to see me again, and until I do, it’s all a moot point.
It sure seemed like he was interested, but considering I don’t know a single thing about romance with boys, let alone men, I really can’t be sure.
I don’t particularly want to agonise over a decision that may never be required from me at all.
“I think I’m just going to wait and see what happens.”
She nods in acceptance and sips from her cup again.
“I still can’t believe it’s him.” She breathes out a breath of disbelief, and I know exactly how she feels.
I’d felt the same way when I looked into his eyes last night.
“I know you don’t really believe in fate and things that are ‘meant to be’, but it might be time you started to think again.” She says the words quietly, and that’s how I know she means them.
And to be honest, she’s not wrong about it either.
One short evening with Rylan Wilder has made me rethink everything I thought I was sure about.
Rylan
I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel after what I’ve just seen.
I know damn well that most men would run a mile when faced with a woman that lives with the things Violet does every single day.
But then I’ve never really been like ‘most men’.
I’m shaken by what I saw, undoubtedly, but what’s really rattled me most is the fact that Violet is the girl. She’s the one I watched all those years ago, and I don’t know how to process that, or what to make of it.
Strange coincidences happen in the world, and I get that, but this doesn’t feel like one of those times.
I’ve experienced instances in my life where everything has just felt like it’s falling into place – like I’m exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I felt that way when I stood outside her room all those years ago, after my sister died.
It scared me then, and the thought of it still confuses me now.
I felt it again last night, when I held Violet’s hand and kissed her under the moonlight. Only this time, I didn’t feel fear – I felt relief.
I’ve got so much to learn about her, and her, I, but hell, I want to know it all.
She’s probably been put in the too hard basket by people her entire life, and I don’t want to be the guy that does that to her too.
Hell, I’m not even sure if it actually bothers me.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about her situation at all. I don’t have any real idea what her condition is like, or how her heart is responding to whatever treatment she’s received over the years.
There’s no quick fix. There are procedures, surgeries and medication – but the battle she’s facing is a lifelong one. Even a new heart can’t last her forever, if she’s got one, that is.
I desperately want to open her file again and find out her entire medical history, but I can’t.
I like Violet. I respect her, and I’ve already violated her privacy far more than I ever should have.
I vow to myself that I’ll never go behind her back for anything like this ever again. If she wants me to know something – she’ll tell me herself.
I know it’s the right decision, but it’s one that doesn’t help ease my apprehension in the slightest.
I’m scared for her. I don’t know how I couldn’t be.
I felt something for that woman last night, something real, and if I can feel like that after only a few short hours, I can’t even imagine what a whole day with her could do to my head.
I want to find out everything there is to know. I want to spend many more days talking and laughing, but the harsh reality is, I don’t know how many days she’s got. I doubt anyone does.
The doctor in me tries to analyse the situation with rational thought and logic, but already I’m past the point of rational when it comes to Violet.
I know there’s no real choice for me.
I have to see her again.
She evoked emotion in me that I’d long thought was dead and buried, and I need to feel that way again.
I need to see her and her beautiful eyes… and above all else I need to figure out exactly why she already feels so vitally intertwined with my life.
Violet
“Hello?”
My voice comes out breathless and rushed as I answer my phone.
I know it’s him on the other end of the line, and that knowledge makes my heart beat frantically against my rib cage, like it’s trying to make its escape.
“Hey, Violet, it’s Rylan...”
“You called,” I reply stupidly, because frankly, I’d convinced myself that he wasn’t going to.
“Did you really think I wouldn’t?”
I shrug before realising he can’t actually see the action.
I really am terrible at this dating thing.
“I wasn’t sure, but I hoped you would...” More truths – they seem to just fall from my lips where he’s concerned.
“I like that.” I can hear the smile in his voice.
I’m lying on my back across my bed, my legs dangling off the side, and I feel the way I imagine the teenage girl in movies does when she’s talking to the captain of the football team.
My heart is racing and there’s butterflies going crazy in my stomach.
“Well I like that you called,” I reply lamely.
He laughs lightly down the phone.
Neither of us seems to know what to say, and this is beyond awkward, but there’s still nowhere I’d rather be than here, with him on the other end of the phone.
“I had a really good time last night.”
“I heard.” I giggle.
Lucy and Emmett are an unstoppable force of nature. There was never any way that Rylan was going to be able to escape unscathed.
He laughs again, louder this time and it makes my smile grow wider. “Emmett isn’t really one for personal boundaries, is he?”
“Pffft.” I snigger. “You think he’s bad, you should hear what I’ve been dealing with since I walked in the door last night. Lucy’s been asking every five minutes if you’ve called me yet.”
“You’ll have to tell her I’m sorry for keeping her waiting, I ended up at work all day.”
“I’ll be sure to pass that on.” I laugh. “So did you have any deliveries today?”
“Not today… actually I didn’t really need to be at work, but you’ll probably learn that taking time away from the hospital isn’t something I’m very good at.”
I bite down on my lip, my smile so wide I’m a little afraid my face might split in half.
He’s just implied that I will get to know him better, and whether or not he intended for it to come across that way or not, it’s how I’ve taken it.
“You think I’ll get to learn about you?”
“I hope so, Violet. I plan on learning a lot about you.” His voice sounds hoarse, and there’s a sincerity there that I can’t possibly deny.
I can understand in this moment why people are so eager to date and to fall in love. This feeling of excitement and euphoria is like nothing I’ve ever experienced.
For the first time in a long time, I welcome it; I think that maybe I might finally feel ready to put myself out there.
Rylan is like no one I’ve ever met before, an
d he’s a far cry from the guys I’ve been turned down by in the past.
He’s mature, kind and gentle. He’s not some silly little boy, he’s a man.
“What are you doing right now?”
I glance at the clock next to my bed. It’s seven on Saturday evening, and my plans consist of nothing at all, as do most of my Saturday nights.
“I’m lying on my bed, with not a thing on the agenda.”
There’s silence for a moment, and when he speaks I can hear the smile in his voice.
“Do you want to go for a walk with me?”
I don’t even have to think about it, I’ve never heard a better idea in my life.
“This is my favourite spot. I’ve seen a lot of places, but nothing comes close to this.”
He’s right, this is a beautiful sight.
We’re up on a clifftop along the coast, and considering it was only a half-hour walk up here, I don’t know how I’ve never done it before.
I’m a little short of breath, and while it’s frustrating, it’s nothing out of the ordinary for me.
The sun is beginning to lower in the sky; soon it’ll set. The ocean is calm and glistening, and the clean waves are crashing against the sandy shore.
The smell of the sea air is so relaxing; I close my eyes for a moment and just breathe it in.
That’s one positive about coming so close to death – you learn to appreciate the little things.
I’m not sure I would have ever stopped to smell the flowers, or lie in the long grass, or chat with strangers if not for the condition I’ve lived with for twenty-five years.
I don’t take a single moment for granted anymore, and I certainly wouldn’t dream of taking this particular tick of the clock for anything other than the miracle it is.
I breathe deeply and take a second to acknowledge just how lucky I am to be here, alive and well, and when I open my eyes, Rylan’s looking at me with a stare that asks so many questions, but at the same time, understands so much.
“It’s sort of sobering up here, isn’t it?”
I nod my head and look out at the horizon. “I’ve never felt so small or insignificant.”
Out here in the cool evening air, with no one else around, is so refreshing. It makes me realise what a little part of the universe I really am.
In my world, everything is always about me and my health, my good days and my bad ones; it’s all about my heart.
But not out here… out here I’m just a woman looking at the sea.
Most people wouldn’t like the idea of being a no one, but for the most part I’d be happy to be of little significance.
All my life I’ve felt like some type of experiment. No one ever knew what to expect from one day to the next and it was always a case of trying something out and then waiting to see what happened.
It’s been one big high-risk game of trial and error, where the ideal outcome is that I live, and in the worst case – I die.
“There’s some serious thinking going on in that head of yours.”
He startles me; for a moment I forgot he was right here next to me.
I can feel the weight of his stare on me again and I can’t help but marvel at the fact that when faced with such an incredible view, he’s still choosing to look at me instead.
“I’ve got a lot to think about,” I say as I turn to face him.
“Anything I can help you with?”
His smile is so sweet and genuine I seriously consider taking him up on his offer.
I could tell him. I could open my mouth and let the words all fall out. It’s not that I don’t trust him with the information, but I can’t bring myself to taint this picture-perfect moment.
The golden sun is sinking out of view behind him and I don’t want to ruin this small lapse in time.
“I think one day you might be able to.”
He smiles at me and looks down at his shoes before meeting my eyes again.
I’m learning this is how he reacts when I give him an answer that he likes – one that really speaks to his soul.
“Violet?” he says quietly as he looks out at the ocean.
“Yeah?”
“You could never be insignificant.”
He reaches for me and as the sun disappears from sight, I’m left standing in the dim light with my hand held in his.
Rylan
I can’t even remember the last time I had what I would call a good dream.
It’s not that my nights are filled with nightmares or the stuff from horror films, but I haven’t had that feeling where you wake up smiling in a really long time.
But I’m smiling now, and I know Violet is the reason for that.
Last night was even better than the first we spent together.
I can’t recall a time where I’ve felt so content in someone’s presence.
She’s not like others. She’s got more depth than half the people I’ve met thus far in life put together, and when I talk, she listens, really listens to the words I’m saying… but more than that, I think she understands my reasons for saying them too.
She’s funny, considerate and so, so beautiful.
I can’t stop myself from looking at her. I know she notices it; the stain of blush on her cheeks assures me she’s aware, but she’s not once complained.
I smile again as I picture her hand in mine. My skin still tingles in the spot where it met hers. It’s unbelievable really; I never thought a walk and a scoop of ice cream could bring me so much happiness.
Happiness… it’s something I wasn’t sure I’d truly experience again. My sister dying sort of sucked all the joy from my life, but ever since I met Violet, I feel it again.
It’s there.
And when I kissed her goodbye, under the stars and the moon once again, I’d felt the last of my reservations slip away.
She is the girl with the blue eyes – the girl who gave me hope.
I’ve got no choice but to see where this goes, and even if I did have the ability to choose, I know that she’s what I’d decide on.
This is one of those situations in life where it seems as though it’s less about me making a choice, than it is about a choice making me.
I’ve had moments since I made this realisation where I don’t understand why I couldn’t have met her then, why we couldn’t have had the past three years to get to know each other instead of just the past few days.
The past three days have been better than I thought was possible, whereas I’ve endured these past three years.
There’s no other way to describe it. I get by okay now, but when I’m with Violet, it doesn’t feel like just ‘getting by’, it feels like living.
I realise in an instant that it doesn’t matter why or how this has all come to be, all that matters is that she’s here – that she’s in my life now.
Maybe it is fate – Daisy was always a big believer in fate.
Maybe this is our time.
Maybe I wasn’t meant to meet her three years ago… neither of us were in a place where we could have been ready for another person in our lives… but I think we’re both there now.
I think I’m ready for not only someone, but for her… I hope to God that she’s ready for me too.
She’s on my mind so constantly, there’s no space for darkness anymore.
Once again, she is my light.
Violet
I scrawl the word ‘happiness’ on the back of the canvas and collapse into my chair with a thud.
I’m so totally exhausted, but at the same time, I’ve never felt so alive.
My eyes can barely stay open, and I know I’ll be paying for pulling this all-nighter for days to come, but as I turn the canvas around and look at it one more time, I know it was all worth it.
It’s everything he’s making me feel, exposed and raw on the surface in front of me.
I’ve felt a lot of things in my life, but never anything that’s come close to this.
I can’t tell if this is what it
always feels like when you meet someone you like, or if this is something more than that… I’m too inexperienced to know.
My gut tells me it’s more – that this is so much more than some crush, but I’m scared to say it out loud, I’m scared to do anything that might jinx it. The last thing I want is to tar this with my usual bad luck brush.
I want this to be real.
I remember the way Lucy was when she met Emmett, I’d never seen her so smitten. She fell in love with that man the moment she met him, and she still loves him just as fiercely now.
I’ve never given much thought to the concept of soul mates before, but when I look at the two of them, it’s a hard notion to deny.
I’ve wondered for a long time if I’d ever find love. I know it’s worried my mum a lot too.
I guess as a parent, you sort of just assume that one day your children will find someone to cherish them. Most parents probably just hope that when their future son or daughter-in-law is chosen, that they’re a good person.
My mum’s worries run a little deeper… as do mine.
There are all the normal considerations, like personality, looks and chemistry, but I’ve got the added pressure of finding someone who is equally as considerate as they are good looking, and as accepting as they are funny.
Not everyone out there has it in them to love those of us who aren’t quite ‘normal’, and finding someone who loves me, despite the state of my heart, was never going to be a simple task.
I think of myself as a bit of a hazard.
Loving me carries so much risk. I read a book when I was younger, and the main girl talks about herself and her illness as being like a grenade – that one day she’ll blow up and that everyone in her life will be casualties.
I feel that on a deep level. That’s the reality of my life a lot of the time. I can’t fathom that the value of knowing me is worth the risk of the fallout from losing me.
Mum, Dad, Charlie and Auggie, they don’t really have an option… you can’t choose your family, and they’re stuck with me whether they like it or not.
My Heart Wants (The Heart Duet Book 2) Page 4