Lucy though… she’s here by choice. Nobody tells Lucy what to do – and believe me, I’ve tried. She’s as stubborn as an old goat and there’s no way she’s going anywhere.
She really is the best friend a girl could ask for.
And then there’s Rylan… I know we’ve only been on two dates, but it feels like so much more than that.
We share a connection.
I know I’m going to have to tell him soon… and when I do, he’ll probably flee. Any sane person probably would.
I hope for his sake that he does.
I can already tell he’s an incredible man. He’s got so much going for him, and his future shines so bright it’s like looking directly into the sun.
He deserves someone who can give him so much more than I can.
A family, good health, time…
None of those things are promised to me.
Not one doctor has been able to tell me what my future holds.
There’s statistics and averages, possibilities and chances, but none of those things are guaranteed and they’re certainly not certain.
All I can do is hope for the best.
I guess I’m one of the lucky ones when I think about it.
I lasted twenty-one years before my heart really tried to kick the bucket, and it took less than a year to find a new heart for me – which, in the scheme of things, isn’t all that long.
I’ve made it three years past transplant now, and the chances of my body rejecting the organ are significantly reduced.
There’s a long list of risks and problems that can arise from having a heart transplant, but so far, I’ve got by okay – a couple of infections my body had trouble fighting off, a little bit of emotional trauma, and one significant hospital stay… but all in all, it’s been pretty uneventful in comparison to the year that preceded my transplant.
I don’t know how long this heart will last me, or whether it might just give up on me one day… I don’t know if I’ll need another transplant or if medical science will evolve to the point where there’s another option.
It’s all the unknown. My whole life is one big unknown.
Rylan has everything going for him. He’s smart, attractive, kind and funny – he’s a doctor for crying out loud.
He could have any woman he wanted.
I know that worrying about this is probably totally unnecessary, but I can’t seem to help it – maybe I did inherit some personality traits from my mother after all.
I know that Rylan might decide to wake up tomorrow and never contact me again. Rationally, I understand that, but I’ve got my hopes up and for someone who has spent her whole life not getting her hopes up, this is a big deal for me.
It’s clear there’s only one thing for it.
I have to tell him.
I need to make sure he’s fully informed about me and my life before I let myself or him get anymore invested.
Sometimes the only way to move forward is by going back.
“I’m going to tell him.”
Lucy looks up from her lunch in surprise. “What? Already?”
I stare at her in confusion. I could have sworn this was the same Lucy that was telling me I shouldn’t keep it a secret any longer.
“I thought you wanted me to tell him?”
“I do,” she blurts out quickly. “I totally think you should tell him. I’m just surprised that you’re agreeing to it so early in the piece... that’s all.”
“I mean… I dunno… I think he needs to know.” I shrug.
She narrows her eyes at me as she sets her knife down, and now I know I’m in for it. Lucy – especially a pregnant Lucy, doesn’t let anything come between her and her food. I watched Emmett attempt to take a French fry off her plate the other day and he was lucky to make it out of there without her fork stabbed into his arm.
“What do you mean by that?”
I avoid her stare and push my own food around my plate.
“Violet…” she warns me when I don’t answer.
“I just think he should know what he’s getting himself into, okay? I’m damaged goods, and I’d hate for him to start to like me and then change his mind once he found out. I’d rather it happen before then.”
I’m looking right at her now so I don’t miss the softening of her eyes.
“Oh, Letty… that’s not going to happen…”
“You don’t know that.”
She goes to repeat her statement of denial again but stops herself. “You know what, you’re right. I don’t know, but I do know that he’s a good man, a really good man… and a doctor – a little bit of a heart defect shouldn’t be able to scare him off.”
I can’t help but laugh at Lucy’s downplaying of my condition. I know she’s not being serious and I also know she’s achieved exactly what she set out to do – she’s made me smile.
“Please don’t write him off just yet, let him be the one who decides to stay or go – don’t make that choice for him.”
She’s right. I’m doing what has become habit for me – I’m expecting the worst.
Maybe just this once I should try hoping for the best instead and see what comes of it.
I’m staring at my plate, quietly contemplating what to do when she speaks again.
“You really like him then?”
Once again, she’s hit the nail on the head.
Telling him is as much about me as it is about him.
Yes, I want him to know the whole truth, so he can make his own choices, but I also want him to know so that I can limit the damage to my own heart if he walks away. I’m aware that I’m getting invested in him already, and I don’t want to catch any more feelings if he’s just going to leave me.
“I’ve never felt this way, Luce. I’m really scared.”
She reaches for my hand and gives it a squeeze. “It’s good to be scared sometimes… it means you’re alive.”
I like that she doesn’t try to dig for more information, I know that she will, but for now she knows I need the support of my best friend, not the full Spanish Inquisition.
“I’ve got a good feeling about him, Violet.”
I’ve got lots of feelings about him too – but that doesn’t help my nerves in the slightest, in fact if anything, I think it makes it worse.
Rylan
To: Rylan
From: Violet
Okay, there’s something I have to ask…
I’m smiling at my phone like some kind of crazy person. Thankfully I’m in the privacy of my exam room, so no one can see me anyway, but honestly, I’m not sure anything could wipe the smile off my face right now – not even my colleagues thinking I’d lost my mind entirely.
This light-hearted banter has been going on for the past hour or so, and it’s lucky really that I’m here in my spare time again and not on shift, because I’m not sure I’d be able to focus on anything other than Violet and her messages.
My phone beeps indicating another text has arrived, and I smile even bigger as I anticipate her question.
To: Rylan
From: Violet
So you look at… you know… lady parts all day… I mean wouldn’t you get sick of seeing that… like in your personal life?
I laugh out loud at that one.
I can almost see her blushing from here. She’s adorable really.
To: Violet
From: Rylan
You know what; it is just vagina all day around here… it’s really a wonder I haven’t turned gay over it.
I wait for her reply almost anxiously. I’m not sure how she’ll respond to my teasing.
To: Rylan
From: Violet
You just made me spit a mouthful of water across the room, so touché… I’ll give you ten points for that one. I’ll also take that as a no to my question.
I’m thinking about how incredible she is when another text comes through before I have a chance to reply.
To: Rylan
From: Violet
P.s. While I have no issue with gay men, I’m really glad you aren’t one.
She’s funny too.
No one has made me smile like this in years, and here she is, making me laugh without even trying.
I’m dying to see her again; she’s like an addiction I can’t satisfy.
To: Violet
From: Rylan
I like you, Violet Miller.
Her reply is instantaneous.
To: Rylan
From: Violet
I like you too, Rylan Wilder.
“What are you doing tomorrow?”
Her eyes are bright and excited and it’s infectious. When she smiles, I smile.
I’ve got a strong suspicion that whatever Violet was feeling, I’d feel it too. It’s like there’s a direct link between her emotions and mine.
It might be invisible to the eye, but I feel it… it’s there, and while it terrifies me, it also excites me like nothing else.
“I’ve got the day off tomorrow actually.”
I don’t know why she’s asking, but it doesn’t matter, if there’s anything on offer, I’ll take it.
I had to work the last two days, and they were the longest days of my life. Knowing I had a date with Violet waiting for me tonight made the hours seem to drag on forever. I can’t recall a time when I was actually more eager for something outside of the hospital, rather than something within it.
“Perfect.” She grins at me as I open the door into the bowling alley – our destination for the evening. “I’ve got somewhere I want to take you.”
She’s so pretty when she smiles. It lights up her whole face and causes those deep dimples in her cheeks that I’m beginning to crave.
“I’m intrigued.”
“I’ll pick you up, okay?”
“Tour guide and chauffer, huh?”
“At your service.” She winks.
She strolls off ahead of me and I find myself following along behind her like a little puppy dog.
“Are you not going to tell me where we’re going?”
She turns back to face me, her eyes sparkling with mischief.
“I bet you’re one of those people that hate surprises, am I right?”
She’s exactly right. I thoroughly dislike them, but I’m not about to tell her that.
I like to have a plan. I get enough of the unknown and unexpected with my job, so I tend to avoid it in my personal life – when I actually bother to have a personal life that is, but I already know I’ll make some type of exception for her.
“Me?” I make a show of balking at her statement. “I love surprises.”
She giggles, and I’m filled with warmth. “You’re a terrible liar.”
She’s right about that too. I always have been… my sister always said I couldn’t lie to save my life.
It bothered me as a child, but now I like to think of it as one of my better qualities.
I give the young girl behind the counter the name on the bowling lane I’ve pre-paid for. Violet has been making a good show of insisting that she was going to be treating me to this date but there was no way I was going to let her hand over a cent.
It’s not that I’m stuck in the dark ages, but in my mind, when a man is courting a woman, he should pay for the privilege.
That’s how my grandfather courted my grandmother and how my father courted my mother.
It’s the way I want to do it too.
Violet pouts at me when she realises what I’ve done. “Rylan! I told you I was paying today.”
“You’re going to have to be faster than that then.” I wink at her and she scrunches up her nose in frustration.
She hurriedly hands her credit card to the girl. “I’m paying for the snacks then.”
The girl, ‘Kate’ according to her name badge, grimaces. “Ummm… he’s kind of already ordered and paid for all of that too…”
I watch Violet’s jaw drop as she turns back to me. “You’re impossible… we had a deal.”
I shrug and grin. “You might have thought we had a deal… I never agreed to let you pay, Violet. Call me old fashioned, but I want to take you out – so I pay, okay?”
“Girl, you should just let him… I mean hell, I wouldn’t say no if some cute guy wanted to spoil me.”
I shoot Violet a ‘see’ look.
Violet blushes as she looks between me and Kate, who is now setting our bowling shoes down on the counter.
“Well I can see I’m outnumbered.” She sighs. “Fine, thank you, it’s very sweet – albeit totally unnecessary,” she adds in a grumble.
There’s a small smile playing on the corner of her lips and I know she can’t hold this grudge for long.
“C’mon…” I grab both pairs of shoes before slinging my arm around her. “I’ve got a real deal for you.”
“And what would that be?”
We approach our lane and I look at her, unable to keep the huge smile off my face. “If I win, you have to tell me where we’re going tomorrow.”
She laughs. “And if I win?”
I think about it for a moment. “If you win… I’ll let you pay for our next date.”
She blushes again, and her lips turn up in a coy smile – I know she’s thinking about the fact that I’ve just committed to another date, and while she seems pretty damn happy about it, this deal is still very clearly stacked in my favour.
She holds out her hand for me to shake. “Alright then, deal.”
“You could have told me you were a pro,” I grumble. “I got hustled.”
She giggles gleefully – I think she’s still pretty pleased with herself about her win.
Actually, win doesn’t quite cut it, she whipped my butt good and proper.
“A deal’s a deal, Dr. Wilder. I get to pay for the next date.”
It’s me who’s pouting now.
That’ll teach me for underestimating her – I’d been so sure I was going to win the game and our little bet.
She’s walking backwards so that she’s facing me, as we stroll through the park.
I want so badly to find out about her heart; she’s so radiant and filled with life, I almost wonder if I looked at the wrong patient’s file. If it weren’t for the fact that I’ve seen her, frail and extremely unwell with my very own eyes, I’d probably have decided by now that I had made a mistake.
I won’t ask her though. I can’t. Not without revealing I violated hospital policy or that I somehow know her from a hospital corridor years ago.
Neither of those things are something I want to share at the moment, or perhaps ever, so I just have to wait… wait and hope that she’ll trust me enough to tell me when she’s ready. There’s so much more to her than just her heart, and I can’t blame her for wanting to share who she really is as a person before she’s forced to confess the thing that’s probably defined her for her whole life.
Maybe it’s better this way – that I’ll learn about her first and her heart later.
I want to know everything about her – the real her… and this is probably the best chance I’m going to get.
“Hey… do you want to come and have dinner with me?” she asks unexpectedly, breaking me from my thoughts.
“You mean at your house?”
I’m yet to set foot inside Violet’s house, but I want to so badly I have to stop myself from yelling the word ‘yes’ at her.
“Yeah… I’ve got a heap of food; it’s kinda hard to cook the right amount for just me… I mean if you’re not busy…”
She’s rambling, and as soon as I recognise it’s because she’s nervous I’ll say no, I almost do yell the word at her.
“That sounds perfect, Violet,” I interrupt her chatter.
“Yeah?” She looks up at me, her crystal blue eyes filled with hope.
“Yeah.”
Violet
I might be a person who tries my hardest not to lie, but I sure was talking complete and utter bullshit when I told him I had ‘heaps of food’ at home. My c
upboards have never looked so bare.
Inviting him over for dinner was not the best plan I’ve ever had. I just wasn’t ready for our time together to end, so I panicked and threw out the first idea I thought of.
Rylan’s sitting in my living room, and he’s undoubtedly the best-looking thing that’s ever walked through my front door – so even though I have nothing but baked beans to feed him, I still have to admit it was definitely worth the little white lie.
He’s made himself at home in here. His shoes are off and his jacket is draped over the back of my couch.
I like it – I like it so much I’m actually having trouble focusing on the problem at hand… the fact that it’ll be time to start dinner within an hour, and I have next to nothing here to cook for him.
“What are you planning to have for dinner?” he calls out to me, like he can somehow sense my distress from across the room.
I grimace and glance around, hoping for some type of suggestion to jump out at me.
“Well I know how much you like surprises,” I reply coyly as I stall for time.
He laughs and the knot in my stomach eases.
“Do you want some help, Vi?”
He’s never called me ‘Vi’ before, and even though most of the people in my inner circle call me either ‘Vi’ or ‘Letty’, it’s different when it’s coming from him.
It feels like a sign of us growing closer – growing together.
It’s enough of a sign for me to take a deep breath and let go of some of my nerves.
This isn’t a big deal.
He won’t care that I have nothing to feed him – I’m yet to meet a male that has an objection to eating takeout and I doubt he’ll be any different.
I just need to relax, stop stressing about things that don’t matter and enjoy having him here with me while it lasts.
I’m about to admit my predicament and suggest we order Chinese food when I hear my front door open.
“Knock, knock!” calls the familiar voice from inside my house. “We’re early.”
My Heart Wants (The Heart Duet Book 2) Page 5