My Heart Wants (The Heart Duet Book 2)

by Nicole S. Goodin

  I glance over his shoulder and see Avery approaching, and even though I know she’s bound to say something that will embarrass me further, I’m so happy that she’s here today and she’ll get to meet Rylan.

  “Hey!” she calls out as she rushes over to us.

  I get a half wave and Rylan gets an extended hand. “Hi, I’m Avery, you must be Violet’s boyfriend.”

  The blush I had before is nothing compared to the way my face is flaming now.

  “This is Rylan. Rylan, this is my friend Avery,” I reply quickly. “Avery is one of the full-time vet nurses here.”

  I’m hoping to save him from the embarrassment of having to clarify that he’s not actually my boyfriend by offering him a piece of information to cling onto.

  “I’m Rylan,” he confirms as he takes her hand in his. “But between you and me, I like the sound of Violet’s boyfriend better.”

  He winks at me and I’m at a loss for words.

  The buzzer in Avery’s pocket lets out a shrill tone and I’m literally saved by the bell from what was bound to be an awkward interrogation for all involved.

  “Gotta go, Violet’s boyfriend Rylan.” She grins at him and much to my surprise, he grins right back. “It was nice to meet you.”

  “It was nice to meet you too, Violet’s friend Avery.”

  I don’t know precisely what just happened here, but it’s making my heart race.

  “What?” he questions the perplexed expression I have on my face as I watch her jog off to help out with a new arrival.

  “Nothing…” I shake my head.

  He looks so happy and carefree; it’s a real transformation from the man I met such a short time ago. He’s relaxed somewhat and he’s more comfortable with me now – he’s still got the potential to be intense and smouldering at the drop of a hat, but I like that about him. I actually like it a lot. Being the sole focus of that intensity makes me feel interesting and attractive, and I welcome that feeling.

  “She seems nice.”

  His obvious cheerfulness makes me feel even guiltier for the secrets I’m keeping from him.

  I want to be able to call him my boyfriend so badly it almost hurts, but I’m not willing to discuss that label again until he knows what he’s getting himself into.

  “She is,” I agree. “Now come on.” I tug on his hand before he can say anything more. “Come say hi to Bear.”

  Bear is my favourite animal in the whole shelter, and as much as I want him to find a home with people that will love him, I can’t imagine this place without him.

  “Let me guess, he’s big and cuddly?” Rylan drawls.

  I don’t need to answer, because the dog in question spots me then and comes bounding toward us, all one hundred kilograms of him.

  “Bear!” I call to him.

  He’s so excited to see me, his tail is wagging like crazy as I crouch down to pat and cuddle him.

  “When I said big and fluffy, I wasn’t imagining it quite to this extreme.”

  I laugh as Rylan squats down next to me and gets a lick on the face from my best canine friend.

  “I think he likes you.”

  “I like you too, bud, but preferably without your tongue down my throat, huh?” he teases as he scratches the huge St. Bernard on his belly.

  “What do you do with him?”

  “I normally take him for a walk down to the river…”

  I’m not sure how much of his day Rylan was planning to spend in this place with me, but as I watch him with Bear, he certainly doesn’t seem in a hurry to get out of here.

  “You walk him, or he walks you?” He raises one of his brows at me.

  I laugh again, because it’s true. I weigh about half of what this big boy does, and if it weren’t for the fact that he’s decided he’s happy to listen to what I say, there’s no way I’d be able to make him do anything he didn’t want to do.

  “It’s a bit of both.” I giggle.

  “How about you pick on someone your own size.” He grins at the big dog like they’re already best friends.

  If I wasn’t already falling for this man, I know I would be now.

  “Let’s go then. Where’s his lead, gorgeous?” he asks me over his shoulder.

  I don’t know if I’m more thrilled that he wants to come with us, or that he called me gorgeous, but either way, I don’t speak, I just smile and point.

  “Urgh, Bear!” I cry as he shakes the water out of his long coat right in front of where Rylan and I are seated as we throw sticks into the river for him to fetch.

  “Get it, boy.” Rylan sends another stick flying into the cool river and Bear bounds off after it.

  I smile as I watch him leap in with a splash.

  “I’ve gotta ask… why don’t you adopt him? It’s obvious you love him.”

  I’ve been waiting for this question from him ever since I introduced him to Bear.

  There are a few reasons, but I still haven’t found the nerve to tell him about my heart, so for now I decide to start with the easiest excuse to explain.

  “My place isn’t fenced, it’d be no good for him.”

  I realise just how lame it sounds the moment I say it out loud.

  “So build a fence?”

  “I’m not exactly known for my construction skills.”

  He raises a brow at me as though he knows I’m full of crap.

  He’s right too. If that was all there was to it I would have had the section fenced the moment Bear got brought in to us.

  I’d love a dog to keep me company in the big house I call home, but I know I can’t take care of him the way he deserves. He’d need walking every day, and if it’s too cold for me to go out, or too wet, then Bear would be stuck at home with me instead of getting the exercise he needs.

  Then there’s my life expectancy, I’m more confident these days, but I’ve lived with fear in the back of my mind for the past three years that my body would reject my new heart and I’d drop dead.

  Bear is only two years old, he’s still got a lot of life ahead of him and it wouldn’t be fair of me to take him on when I’m not sure I could outlive him.

  I try to live my life to the fullest and make the most of the second chance I’ve been given, and a huge part of me wants to take him home for that very reason alone, but it wouldn’t be fair of me – and I can’t imagine making such a selfish choice.

  I don’t realise that I’ve fallen silent as I watch Bear swimming out towards the stick.

  When I look up, Rylan’s eyes are watching me intensely, seeing things I’m not sure how to find the courage to explain.

  “What’s the real problem, Violet?” He asks the question in a soft voice, but there’s a hoarse edge to his tone, like he’s sensed that bad news is coming his way.

  This is it. This is my make or break moment.

  I know what I need to do, this is as good of a time as any and I have to do this now. I’ve just got to, as Lucy so diplomatically puts it, ‘find my lady balls’.

  “There’s something I haven’t told you.” I whisper the words, but he hears me, I know he does.

  His eyes never leave mine as he gives me a look that indicates I should carry on.

  “I know I should have told you sooner, but I didn’t know what this was…” I indicate between the two of us. “I promise I was never trying to deceive you.” My voice is louder now, but I’m almost shaking with nerves.

  “Violet,” he murmurs as he takes my hand in his. “Just take a deep breath and say what you need to say.”

  “It’s a long story,” I warn.

  “I’ve got nowhere else to be.”

  I search his eyes for a hint that he’ll run – that what I’m about to tell him might scare him off, but I find nothing to confirm my fears, all I see looking back at me is a tender gaze.

  “Tell me,” he whispers, his voice sounding like gravel.

  So I do.

  I tell him about the condition I was born with. I tell him about the surgeries and a
ll the hospital stays. I tell him about my heart transplant and the medication that I take each morning. I tell him why I can’t take Bear home with me and what I live with every single day.

  I tell him everything except for the part where I nearly didn’t make it – I don’t tell him about seeing his eyes or hearing his voice. I’m not ready to share that with him yet. If he sticks around after this, which I can’t possibly imagine he will, then maybe one day I’ll find the courage to confide in him about that too.

  When I finally finish spewing out my life story, I’m out of breath. I don’t know how long I’ve been talking for, but Bear is out of the river now and has lay down in the sun to dry… and Rylan, he’s still staring at me with the same tender expression he was when I started speaking.

  There’s no pity in his eyes, there’s no anger, resentment or disappointment there either. In fact, if anything, he looks relieved, and I have to wonder if he’s known all along that there’s something I’ve been keeping from him.

  He’s an incredibly insightful man, and it’s a possibility I can’t discount.

  “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I just wanted to feel… normal, I guess... I wanted to be the woman falling in love with the man for just a little while longer before my heart got in the way.”

  He’s doesn’t say a word, just reaches out with his free hand and tentatively places his palm against the spot where my heart beats.

  I thought he’d have questions, accusations perhaps… but he’s silent. I don’t know what this means, but I allow myself to enjoy the moment of what feels a lot like wordless acceptance.

  “I can feel it beating.”

  I don’t recall closing my eyes, but upon hearing his whispered voice, my lids flutter open again.

  I don’t reply, I’m waiting for something, anything more from him.

  I need him to respond – to tell me that I shouldn’t have kept this from him… to tell me that he doesn’t want to be with the girl with the broken heart.

  He slowly pulls away his hand, and I watch the movement with a fierce intensity.

  He’s bound to talk now, he has to. There’s got to be something he wants to say to me.

  I’m waiting for it, so when he does finally speak I don’t anticipate being taken by surprise by the words he chooses.

  “You’re falling for me?”

  It’s the last thing I expect him to say. In fact, it’s not until he asks the question that I realise I said those words aloud to him. I was so caught up in my story, in my heart… that I didn’t even acknowledge what I was admitting.

  I consider denying it, but I don’t know what the point would be in that. I’ve laid out almost all my cards and there’s no reason I can think of that I should hide the truth from him.

  I can only control me, and right now, I want him to know exactly how I feel about him.

  “I am... I’m falling in love with you.”

  His answering smile is so blinding I literally have to look away.

  He’s ecstatic, and I’m confused.

  He reaches for my jaw and runs his thumb gently down the skin on my cheek as he tilts my gaze back up to meet his.

  His stare is so intense; I feel it all the way down to my toes.

  He leans in so our faces are only an inch apart. “I’m right here falling with you,” he whispers before pressing his lips against mine.

  Rylan

  It’s so much worse than I imagined, but at the same time, it’s better too.

  Violet has been to hell and back, repeatedly, but she’s still here… living and breathing… she’s alive.

  She’s a fighter and I believe she’s already made it through the worst of what life will throw at her.

  Looking at her, such a bright, beautiful woman, you’d never guess the horrors she’s endured – the opponents she’s taken on and won.

  There are already so many things I can think of that I want to ask her in regards to what she’s been through, but I don’t.

  There will be plenty of time for that later. I’m not going anywhere and if I have my way, neither will she.

  I’m in this for the long haul, and if she thinks that her heart is going to make a difference to the way I feel about her, then she’s going to have to think again.

  The only thing I need to know about her heart right now is that I hold a piece of it.

  I can tell she’s worried, and I’ve got a feeling she’s expecting me to walk away. I don’t blame her for her insecurity surrounding what she’s just shared with me. I can’t even begin to imagine everything she’s been through. It literally brings a tear to my eye to imagine that she must feel that way for a reason – that people must have steered clear of her in the past due to something she has not an ounce of control over.

  I’ve had people avoid me too – leave me all alone, so I sort of understand what it’s like… but I also know that’s on me – I didn’t give anyone a reason to stay. Violet gives people all the reasons in the world.

  I may not have known her for a huge amount of time, but it didn’t take long to figure out what kind of a person she is.

  She’s open, kind, strong, warm and loving… I know I’m not the first person to feel this kind of love from Violet, but I think that maybe I might be the only man whom she’s not related to that’s ever been allowed to get this close, and that’s not an honour I’ll take lightly.

  Her lips are still on mine and she’s kissing me back with the fervour of someone who might never get another chance.

  That’s when it hits me that it’s probably exactly the way she feels.

  She’s just laid everything out bare for me – literally put her heart on the line and I haven’t said a word about it.

  I undoubtedly know it changes nothing about the way I feel for her, but she doesn’t know that yet.

  I pull back, breaking our kiss but she’s not done, she has the front of my shirt fisted in her hand and it pains me to think she’s holding on for dear life.

  “Violet,” I murmur against her lips as she kisses me again.

  Her breath is heavy as she releases me before resting her forehead against mine.

  Her eyelids are flickering open and shut and it takes me a moment to recognise that she’s crying.

  “I’m here,” I whisper. I wrap my arms around her and pull her onto my lap.

  I wrap my arms around her like a vice as she clings onto my neck and shoulders.

  Her small frame is wracked with sob after sob, and I just hold her as tight as I can.

  As much as it pains me to see her upset, I don’t bother telling her not to cry. There would be no point… she needs this release and after all I’ve just heard, she deserves a good cry.

  She deserves a lot of things, and I’m going to do everything in my power to give her all I have to offer.

  Bear wanders over and nudges Violet with his head. It’s a small gesture, but it warms my insides.

  She’s like a magnet; it’s not only me she’s pulled in, but this big dog too.

  She reaches out and strokes his head and reassures him that she’s okay, that she will be okay.

  He curls up at our feet and I smile.

  Violet’s sobs have subsided, and she turns in my arms so she can look up at me.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “You don’t have to apologise for being human.”

  “I got your shirt all wet.”

  “I think I can live with that.”

  She’s looking up at me with her big crystal blue eyes, and even though they’re brimmed with tears, I’ve never seen her look so beautiful.

  She’s staring at me, searching for answers that it doesn’t appear she’s finding.

  “Why aren’t you running?” she finally whispers.

  I reach my hand forward and wipe away a stray tear from her cheek.

  “I’m not going anywhere.”

  “But aren’t you worried… don’t you have questions?”

  I nod. “I have questions, but they c
an wait… I’m not going anywhere, and no answer you could give would change how I feel about you anyway.”

  She opens her mouth to speak but no words come out, so I continue.

  “And as for being worried… truthfully, I am.”

  She sighs in defeat, like maybe this is the ‘but’ moment she’s been dreading.

  “I’m worried that I’ll lose you, and I don’t mean because of your heart… I mean because of your head. I’m worried you’ll convince yourself this isn’t a good idea and you’ll leave me.”

  Her chin lifts slowly until she’s looking into my eyes and I see the deep-seated fear she usually keeps hidden there.

  She’s scared, and rightfully so, but she doesn’t have to be scared on her own anymore.

  Sure, she’s got her family and friends, but until now she’s never had me, and I’m willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I know I can’t make the things she fears disappear, but I can share the load with her – I can lighten the weight on her shoulders, if nothing else.

  “I worry about letting people in… it hurts me to think what will happen to those closest to me if I die.”

  She may have just told me all of the facts about her heart, and shared with me some of her most tightly kept secrets, but this right here is possibly the truest thing of all to fall from her lips.

  Her biggest fear of death isn’t for herself, but for those she’ll leave behind.

  That one sentence sums up exactly what type of person she is, and I fall a little bit further down the rabbit hole of love because of it.

  She’s got to be the most selfless person I’ve ever met.

  I make a vow to myself that I’ll never be someone she can push away, that I’ll never let her see herself as a burden to me, because she isn’t.

  I know her fears are justified, and there’s no point in telling her otherwise, because she’s right – loving her carries the risk of losing her, but there’s one thing I know for absolute certain in all this, and it’s that this is a risk I’m willing to take.

  Bear might not have a choice about whether or not he goes home with Violet, but I sure as hell do, and I’m not going to let her go without a fight – and if I’m honest, probably not even then.