I know her scars still bother her, but this small step where she’s chosen not to cover up feels like huge progress in my mission to assure her that I don’t see her for her struggles.
As much as I want to celebrate this incredible milestone, I’m so emotionally spent that I don’t think I can manage anything more than to hold her close.
She’ll make everything better just like she always does.
She hears me come in and there’s already a smile on her lips before she even raises her gaze to meet mine.
I’m not sure what she sees when she looks at me, but judging by the look on her face, it can’t be anything good.
“Rylan.” She scrambles up off the couch and the normally treasured sketch pad falls to the ground with a thud.
She doesn’t say another word until she’s in my arms.
“What is it?”
I want to tell her, I do, but I don’t know how. I can’t figure out how to make my mouth open so the words can come out.
I try, over and over, but nothing happens, so I give up trying.
Instead, I bury my face in her hair and just breathe. Each breath is more calming than the next and I find the tight coil inside my gut loosening with each fill of my lungs.
She’s gripping me tight, like she can’t get close enough.
I hoist her up and she clamps her legs around my waist, her arms are wrapped firmly around my neck, holding me as close to her as I possibly can be.
When I’m here like this, with her in my arms, the thought of talking about my sister doesn’t seem so life shattering anymore – I can’t help but consider the possibility that I could do anything as long as Violet was right there with me.
“Rylan?” she whispers after what feels like forever.
“I’m okay…”
“Do you want to talk about it?”
As much as I want to tell her yes, I can’t right now, I’m dead on my feet and I know I’ll need every ounce of strength to share my story with her.
“Could we just go to bed?”
“If that’s what you need,” she replies softly.
“I just need you.”
“You’ve got me, Rylan.”
Violet
I clutch my chest and drag in a deep breath.
“You scared me,” I tell him as I pull my ear buds out and hit pause on the playlist on my cell phone.
I can’t work without music. I prefer it blaring over the sound system in the corner, but when I’m up here in the middle of the night, that’s not exactly possible.
His intense blue eyes watch me carefully as a wide smile graces his full lips.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to…” His gaze shifts, and his apology is lost. “Are these yours?”
I feel the blush colour my cheeks – I don’t make it a habit of showing people my work and he’s still no exception to the rule.
Even Lucy, my best friend since we were in nappies, has never seen the entire collection of my work. I’ve shown her only two pieces, one of which she begged for until she wore me down and I agreed.
That particular piece sits proudly on the wall in the entry to her and Emmett’s house, with a pinky promise from her that she’ll never spill the beans on where she got it.
Rylan has never seen anything more from me than a doodle on a napkin and the ‘safe’ paintings my mum and dad have on their walls.
“Yeah… they’re mine. I thought you’d be sleeping… I didn’t mean to wake you. Do you want to go back to bed?”
“You didn’t wake me,” he murmurs as he slowly walks past me, his eyes studying one canvas before moving onto the next, ignoring my question about returning to the safety of my sheets.
I normally don’t paint when he’s here, but ever since he came home broken, I haven’t slept much at all.
It was a rookie error on my behalf – leaving myself exposed this way, and even though I don’t want to hide all of this from him forever, I’m not mentally prepared to have him in here right now.
This room is filled with my work and as he slowly takes appraisal of each piece, it’s almost as though he’s stripping me bare of an item of clothing.
These are my inner most thoughts and feelings – some of the images on these canvases are so raw and real they take me right back to the specific moment in time and the feelings hit me with such force it can literally knock me backwards.
That’s why I keep it all up here, in the large attic, with a locked door.
The light provided from the huge skylights makes it the perfect place for me to paint –it’s my happy place. But right now it feels more like a prison cell I can’t escape.
Rylan’s gently flicking through the stack of canvases against the wall now.
I suck in a ragged breath because I know exactly what he’s seeing.
I haven’t laid eyes on those paintings in close to two years, but each and every one of them is burned into my memory for all eternity.
Those are some of the hardest hitting works of art I’ve ever created.
I’m paralysed, almost gasping for air as I wait for him to question me on them, for him to ask things I can’t answer.
But he doesn’t.
When he reaches the last one, he rubs forcefully with the ball of his hand at a spot on his chest and glances around at the collection I have displayed on the far wall.
The relief I feel almost brings me to my knees.
These I can talk about, mainly because they make little to no sense to me.
He turns to face me for the first time in what feels like an eternity. He raises a dark brow at me. “What’s with all the flowers?”
I shrug. “I’m not sure to be honest… I just started painting them one day, and I’ve never stopped.”
“I like them,” he whispers, his voice thick with an emotion I can’t place.
“Thank you.”
I don’t tell him about the dream or vision, if you want to call it that, that I had a few years ago.
I don’t tell him about the fields of daisies that everything important to me, including he himself was in.
I don’t tell him that as soon as I was allowed home, I was back in front of a canvas, painting daisy after daisy, with no real idea why they were so important.
I can’t tell him all of that. If I do, he’ll have questions, and I’ll end up telling him that he was there in my dreams – that I’ve been picturing him in my mind for nearly four years.
I’m still not quite ready for that revelation yet.
He strolls back over to me, leaving the other half of the room and the work in it safe from his intense stare.
There’s a lot of memories over there too and a pair of blue eyes he was bound to recognise as his own, but I don’t feel relief knowing he didn’t see that particular painting, instead I still feel stripped bare as though he’s already seen everything.
If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about him in these past two months, it’s that he misses nothing.
His mind is sharp, his eyes are focused, and his soul is curious.
He sees everything, even the things I don’t say or show… he sees them too.
“Can we go for a walk?”
I’m surprised by his request, given that it’s after midnight, but I’d give just about anything to be out of this room right now, so I nod eagerly, and when he holds out his hand to me, I take it.
Rylan
We’ve walked for four blocks in total silence.
It’s just us and the moonlight – much like it was after our very first date.
It’s ironic really, that we’ve found ourselves out here again, only this time we’re so far from strangers it’s almost laughable.
She might not know everything there is to know about me yet, but right now, in this moment, I feel like I’ve seen every part of her soul.
Of course, I knew Violet painted.
I also knew she liked to keep her work to herself.
I’ve been dying to see even a glimpse of the magic
she creates behind that door, but nothing could have possibly prepared me for what I saw tonight.
I’m under no illusion that me viewing her work was anything other than terrifying for her, but I had to do it.
There’s this invisible barrier between us that’s growing higher with each passing day we don’t talk about our secrets.
On her side, it’s her heart, her scars, her insecurities, and who knows what else.
On mine, it’s the secret I’m keeping from her, it’s my grief, my anger and my pain.
But that’s about to change. Right now.
“There’s something I need to tell you.”
Her grip on my hand tightens and I feel terrible for my choice of wording.
I can’t even imagine the things that might be going through her head right now, but instead of addressing all the things that I’m not holding back, I’m just going to come out with the thing that I have kept from her.
“You know our blind date?” I question her, and I see her nod out of the corner of my eye. “I didn’t realise right away… but that wasn’t the first time I’d ever seen you.”
She stops walking and pulls me to a stop with her.
I’m expecting questions, confusion, and disbelief maybe… what I’m not expecting is for her to whisper the two words she does.
“I know.”
She’s looking down at her feet and I don’t like it. Violet is the embodiment of the saying ‘eyes are the windows to the soul’. Her eyes can conceal nothing, and I need to see them right now so I know we’re okay.
I reach for her chin and tip it up so she can’t hide from me any longer.
“You remember me?” I murmur. “From outside your hospital room?”
She nods, and I see her eyes begin to well up. “I recognised you the minute I saw you.”
Suddenly it all makes sense. The panic attack she had on our first date – it was because she recognised me as the man from outside her window.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
She shrugs and the tears start to fall. “Why didn’t you?”
I know what she means, and she’s right – her reasons for not speaking up are probably the same as mine have been.
I don’t know how I’m supposed to explain to her that she was a lifeline for me. That seeing her wake up gave me hope that maybe everything in the world wasn’t so bad after all.
I’ve never told her about my sister, but I know I need to tell her now.
I want a life with Violet, and you can’t build a life upon a mountain of secrets.
“You looked so lost,” she whispers into the darkness.
“I’ve never been as lost as I was in those hours, Violet, and for some reason, you stopped me from falling apart.”
“I don’t understand…”
“I’m not sure I do either.” I shake my head as I try to make sense of something that truly can’t be explained.
“I didn’t just happen to pass by your room, I’d been watching you for a while.”
Confusion is written all over her face, and I don’t blame her.
“I was in the ICU for....” My voice cracks, and I suck in a deep breath in an attempt to regain my composure. “For my sister.”
She squeezes my hand again and rubs her thumb gently up and down the side of mine.
The small contact and comfort she gives me is enough for me to find the strength to go on.
“Her name was Daisy, and she died… there was a car crash… she fell asleep at the wheel after a twelve-hour shift and ran herself off the road.”
Violet gasps and her hand flies up to cover her mouth. “Oh my God. I’m so sorry, Rylan, you never told me…”
“And then I saw you lying there and I couldn’t stay away. My sister was dead, and I was drawn to you, I needed you to wake up and be okay. I had no idea what was wrong with you, but I could feel your struggle, Violet, and the moment you woke up and looked at me… I guess I felt hope again.”
“I’ve never seen a person look the way you looked.” Her voice sounds like sandpaper.
“You were the light for me, I was surrounded by darkness and you were what helped me see through it.”
It feels like a huge weight has lifted off my shoulders. I’ve told Violet my truths, my secrets… and she’s not mad at me for keeping it from her… she’s still here and she loves me.
“I saw it in your eyes tonight – that same look.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. “One of the nurses… she talked about Daisy today. It all hit me again… and then I came home to you, and you saved me, just like that first time.”
“You saved me too, Rylan…” She goes to say something further, but I see the moment she catches herself. “Seeing you there, it did the same thing for me. You gave me hope too.”
There’s more – I can tell that she’s holding something back from me, what, I have no idea, but I have a feeling that it’s vitally important and I’m suddenly desperate to know.
“I need you to talk to me, Violet, please.” I grasp her other hand in mine and tug her close. I know I’m begging, but I don’t care – this is a pivotal moment for us, I’ve never felt a sense of urgency like I do here and now.
Her expression flickers between brave and ready, to frightened and wary.
She opens her mouth to speak, finally, and I brace myself for whatever it is she’s about to tell me, but right at that moment, my cell phone rings in my pocket.
I drop my head forward in defeat, resting my forehead against hers.
It’s my emergency ringtone and I know what that means – one of my patients is in labour.
I’m needed there, but I know on a deep level that I’m needed here just as much, if not more.
“You’d better get that.”
She’s looking down at my pocket as I stand unmoving.
I’m terrified that if I let this moment slip by right now that I’ll never get it back.
She must sense my fear because she pulls her head back and looks at me, really looks at me.
“We can talk when you get back.”
“You promise?” My voice is gruff and unsure, but I know I don’t have another option.
I can’t leave my patient and we both know it.
She pushes up to her tippy toes and kisses the side of my mouth. “Answer the damn phone, Rylan; you’ll wake up all the neighbours.”
She looks different; her face is serene – peaceful, as though maybe she’s come to accept something in the same way I have.
She’s also right; if I leave this phone ringing much longer there’s going to be trouble.
I take the call and as I suspected I’m needed in the delivery ward immediately.
There’s no time for any more talking, but as I back out of the driveway I see Violet in the window. She blows me a kiss and I fall even deeper in love with her.
I know in that instant that it doesn’t matter what she tells me, I know it’s only going to make me love her more.
I snap my gloves into place as I use my back to push open the door of the delivery suite.
“How are we doing in here, Luce?”
“Oh, thank God you’re here,” Emmett calls from his spot next to the bed.
Lucy has his hand in a death grip and I almost laugh – almost. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that women in labour do not tend to take jokes well.
I grab her chart from the maternity nurse and flick through the notes.
“Seriously, man, you gotta give her something, she’s gone crazy.”
“She’s in labour, Emmett,” I reply calmly at the same moment that Lucy screams at him.
“I’m in freakin’ labour, you big dumb idiot!”
I hear Kristie, the nurse, try to muffle a laugh and I make the mistake of meeting her eyes.
I’m doing my best, I really am, but the look on Emmett’s face right now is priceless.
“You had better not be laughing at me, Rylan Wilder, or so help me God… urrrrggggghhhhhh
hhh.” Another contraction cuts off her threat.
“We’re getting close now, Lucy.”
I glance at my watch and make note of the time.
“How about I promise no more laughing, Emmett promises no more being a big dumb idiot, and we get that baby out of there, alright?”
She looks up at me for the first time and I see that she’s all bark and no bite.
Lucy looks terrified.
“You’ve got this, I’m right here,” I reassure her.
Emmett wipes a cool flannel across her face, and I can see that despite his wife’s anger towards him, he is in fact doing a great job.
“I’m scared,” she whispers.
“You can do this, baby, I’m right here with you.” He kisses her forehead and I smile.
These two really are great together. They’re going to make incredible parents.
“I want Violet.” Lucy whimpers as another contraction builds. “Oh my God!” she cries as it hits full force. “I want Violet right now!”
Violet
I race down the corridor that leads to the maternity wing of the hospital.
The baby that Rylan is delivering right now isn’t just any baby, it’s Lucy and Emmett’s baby, and even though I was never planning to be in the delivery room with her – she needs me.
The fact that it was Emmett who called me and not Rylan, makes me think that perhaps I might be too late anyway, but I still run as fast as I can.
Lucy has been there for me through more than any friend should have to over the years. She’s seen the absolute worst in me, and this might be the only chance I get to return the favour.
I approach the nurse’s station panting for breath. “I’m looking for Lucy Hale,” I say, far too loud and much too fast.
She points down the hall. “Room fourteen, Violet.”
I yell my thanks over my shoulder as I take off running again. I’m pretty sure that not just anybody is allowed in here, so dating the obstetrician must have its perks.
I reach the numbered door and I can’t hear anything, no screaming, no heavy breathing… nothing…
My Heart Wants (The Heart Duet Book 2) Page 10