A Beautiful Nightmare: A Novel

by Shana Vanterpool

  “I came back.” Tears welled in my eyes. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”

  His naked body jumped out of the tub, hangover forgotten. He grabbed my shoulder tops and lifted me in the air, his terror as clear as his fury. “You left?”

  I nodded slowly in his grasp. “But I came back.”

  He dropped me and stumbled back. Horror took over the gold in his eyes, until there was nothing else in them. “You … left … me?”

  “I didn’t leave you.”

  All semblance of control left him. “Then who did you leave?” he growled.

  “Dash …”

  “What did you do?”

  “I only wanted to know the way out. I wanted us to be equal. Knowing the exit did that.”

  “You wanted to be equal?” He snorted in disgust. “Well, now we are, aren’t we, Kinley.”

  He wanted me to know I wasn’t his queen right now.

  And it burned.

  “You know the way out. You know how to leave and you came back. All’s better now.”

  I hugged myself.

  “What happened?”

  “Denny—” I backed away from him. “Was down there.”

  “Of course he was down there. King Suites is my father’s hotel. We’d just learned that the McDonalds and the McKing’s are working together. I warned you over and over again of the danger. But you’re such a liar you don’t understand the importance of the truth. You did exactly what I knew you’d do. You ran. Does he know where we are?” Disgust emanated from him in hard cold waves. “Do not lie. Not about this.”

  I had never seen him look at me that way. Like I had broken his heart too many times to count. Like my own had been. I wanted to argue why I’d left, but Dash didn’t want to know why. He only wanted to know that the way out was still ours. “I was careful.” I cringed when the tendons in his neck bulged. “I made sure he didn’t see me get away. I distracted him.”

  “Un-fucking-believable.” He stomped, naked and wet, out of his bathroom.

  I didn’t know what to do with myself, but I knew following him was out of the question. I remained in my spot in case he came back. After my breathing had calmed, I figured he was done with me. I couldn’t blame him. He had done his best to protect me, and I’d just blown everything to be on his team. With a heavy heart, I emptied his tub. I cleaned up the rest of the mess, and dumped the empty packets of vitamin C. He wasn’t in his bedroom, or the living room when I came out.

  Our evening together lay in shambles on the floor.

  As punishment, I dismantled it.

  Then I went and sat cross-legged in my bathroom staring at the ING building. There was nothing amiss. At least not that I could see. The sun was bright and the snow had almost melted, creating a gray mess where there had once been unblemished powder. I could feel Denny’s eyes on me. The son of a bitch. I’d never be his whore. I’d fight until he was a memory, like everyone else in my life that had tried to take my soul.

  Queens were nothing without their soul, ought the king forget his.

  Dash didn’t come to get me. What was the point? I already knew the way out. The sun set after some time, and night came, far blacker than any night I’d never been in.

  Eventually growing tired, I curled up on the floor, staring at the ING building until I could no longer keep my eyes opened.

  In my dreams, I ran in my purple gown down my quiet street. This would have happened to me regardless of Dash. I would have been forced to repay my debt somehow, someway. And I had no way of knowing, but I knew in my bones that Denny’s focus had shifted right back to me.

  I wasn’t afraid of Raynard anymore.

  I was terrified of the man I shared a bed with.

  Dawn was breaking when I woke. Purple and silver broke through the gold, a deep rich morning. I was still on the bathroom floor. The remnants of my hangover were gone and my stomach felt unbearably empty. I brushed my teeth and put my hair up, in no mood to look at the mirrors. I wasn’t the only one unimpressed with myself.

  Dash was drinking something hot at the bar. I didn’t have to check to know it wasn’t coffee.

  If this were any other man, I’d be tensed, waiting for his hand to connect with my face. But this was Dash, and because of him I was safe.

  He didn’t look at me, and instead, poured over a stack of papers on the bar.

  I wanted him to look at me.

  “I’m sorry.”

  He flipped his paper.

  “Dash, please.”

  “If I speak to you, it will not be kind.” His hard eyes flashes to me. “You’ve done enough damage. Let me be.”

  I couldn’t help myself. This was unlike any other emotion Dash had made me feel. I walked behind him and placed my hands on his bare shoulders. “What can I do to show you how sorry I am?”

  He shrugged me off. “There is nothing.”

  I could sense the impending break in him. “I just want to say one more thing. I owe my life to you. I owe so much to you. Thank you for bringing me here. For keeping me safe even when it put you in danger.” I had to touch him. I pressed my front to his back, feeling my nipples harden from the contact. “You are not the bad guy. You never were.” I kissed below his ear. “I am sorry, my king.”

  He made no move to answer other than relaxing the muscles in his back. But every other muscle was still tensed and furious.

  I wasn’t like Dash. I didn’t have the patience to wait for him to come around. Sighing, I walked away from him and went into the kitchen. A search turned up nothing I wanted, and instead I moved on to the stockroom. I’d make him something to eat. I found cans of chili, and a box of cornbread that only required water. I yearned for some fresh chopped onions and maybe even some cilantro, but was suddenly thankful we had this. Or food at all. I doubted the women who paid off their debts had choices between their meals.

  As Dash stewed, I made cornbread pancakes. I combined sugar and boiling water to the mix, creating a cakey dough. I didn’t ask him for help. Instead, I scoured the stockroom and the kitchen, until I found the oil. I poured a thick layer of it into the skillet, and then set to frying the cornbread into golden brown cakes. As they cooled, I brewed a pot of coffee. I made us both a bowl of chili, placed the plate of cornbread between us, and set our mugs down, full of soymilk and sugar.

  “Thank you,” he mumbled, grabbing a cake. When he said “Mmm,” quietly, I let out a relieved breath.

  I glanced over his shoulder to find blueprints. And since he didn’t try to hide them from me, I figured I could participate. I plucked the first one from the pile and looked it over, finding the schematics of the tower. Every single line of metal and glass. The ducts for the air-conditioning, the plumbing, the pipelines. “What is all this for?”

  “I am so mad at you. I do not like being mad at you.” His tortured eyes met mine. “Why, Kinley?”

  “Because,” I said simply, holding up the blueprint. “Now I know the way in. I know the way out. I know the threats below us. I know what you know. I can protect us too. I have to keep you safe.” A flood of fear and love unfolded in me. This was what he’d been feelings for weeks. “I have to have you too.”

  He stared into my eyes, searching for something he needed. When he found it, he sighed, and picked up his spoon to shove chili into his mouth. “Tell me what happened.”

  I told him, from knowing where the exit was to sneaking out as he slept. When I got to Denny, his fists were white-knuckled, and rage emanated from him.

  “She’s pathetic. It’s so obvious what she’s doing. Trying to please our father by giving Denny a baby and probably other men’s as well. Her debt is never in danger of being exacted.”

  “She’s his fiancé and she isn’t that pregnant.” I stabbed at what was left of my food, pushing a lone bean around the bowl. All of the implications of my statement hung there. Dash wouldn’t say anything. He no longer cared. And I shouldn’t either. I knew I shouldn’t. But Denny still wanted my debt paid, and I’d
sported bruises when I couldn’t give him what he wanted. So I said what was obvious to make myself feel something other than betrayal. “He cheated on me first.”

  “Get over it, Kinley. Denny never loved you. I do. You run from him, but you risk us.”

  I hung my head. “She knew me.”

  “Kenna couldn’t have known you.”

  “But she did,” I insisted. “The look on her face wasn’t the same on mine. I didn’t know her. I’d just remembered Denny saying a name like hers once. I didn’t know her.”

  “She’s a whore’s daughter. My father keeps her on the side. Having Denny’s baby is probably her way of implementing herself more in the gang. I’m wondering if my father was in debt as well.” He looked at me, the suspicions thick in his eyes. “So far nothing has come from him but the hit on you and me. But Denny told you your debt wasn’t paid. Why would a trust fund baby have more power over Raynard’s order?”

  I shook my head, turning the possibility over in my mind. But I couldn’t get the look on McKenna’s face out first. She had dark hair and dark eyes. Gorgeous in a way that went noticed. She’s hard to overlook. But I had. Why?

  Or had I?

  “Maybe Raynard’s not the boss anymore?” I supplied uneasily.

  “Or,” he said menacingly. “Raynard doesn’t know that yet.”

  I felt the power shift.

  So did Dash.

  All this time we’d been fighting his father. When my ex was the bigger threat.

  26.

  I’d Given Him My Last Breath.

  The walls of the tower seemed to waver.

  They looked so fragile within the blueprints. Something I had feared so much, that had felt inescapable, had really only been thin walls of glass in the air. It was a long way to fall from this height. Knowing the way out made his choices far less insane. Everyone who wanted us gone was down there. And by the look on their faces, they hadn’t a single idea that we would be above their noses.

  But they’d figure it out.

  And we couldn’t be here when they did.

  “Are you double-checking?” I guessed, handing him back the blueprint.

  “No. I’m rethinking. I didn’t create a second option. I didn’t think I’d need one.” His hard eyes flashed to me.

  I pretended to eat joyously. I wasn’t joy-filled. “But I came back.”

  He ignored me too. Because he knew it was true. Maybe to him that was the scariest part. I came back. Which meant I could leave again. And again. And again …

  “And now you have another brain, instead of Brogan and Fillan’s fodder.”

  “Fodder?” He cracked a rare smile. “I am almost positive they would resent that.”

  “Let them. I have a few choice words for them as well.”

  “I’m sure you do, my queen.”

  Inside, I exhaled.

  “I am still mad,” he rumbled quietly, flipping over the pages. “But,” he breathed. “You did come back.”

  “I always will.” I grabbed his forearm and slid my fingers down to tangle with his. “Always, Dash.”

  He stared straight, fighting my promise the way I had fought his. “Finish eating.” He tried to free his hand.

  I held it tighter. “You want to know all I could think about when I was running from Denny?” His chest rose and fell from the pressure of not answering, of fighting. “All I could think about was you. All I wanted was you. Only you, Dash.”

  “You can’t leave again.” His fearful eyes met mine. “You can’t leave me.”

  I let my fears show themselves too. “You can’t leave me either. You can’t.”

  It was easier for him to fight his position than to listen to me fight mine. He squeezed my hand in his, and brought it to his lips. “There is nowhere without you.” And then, with a steely resolve he released me, pushed his bowl aside, and fanned out the blueprints. “We have to make sure I covered our asses.”

  I did my best to slide my hand between his back and the chair. I grabbed a handful of his ass and winked when he glared at me. “I wouldn’t mind covering your ass.”

  One of his brows quirked. “You left me. A bit of flirting and chili isn’t going to make up for that.”

  “What will?”

  He considered it, brow still quirked. “Letting me have yours.” The king grinned, one of those sudden honest wide smiles that made my heart mend and my stomach turn over on itself.

  “My ass?” I asked dumbly.

  His eyes twinkled. “Your ass.”

  “Right now?”

  “What better time is there?”

  I huffed. “I don’t believe my transgressions deserve a back door attempt.”

  He laughed, as if his smile wasn’t enough, as if my heart didn’t already lay in shambles. “It wouldn’t be an attempt. Something tells me I’d achieve it deep and hard.”

  I gawked at him. “I left. I didn’t blow the tower up.” I nodded pointedly at the blueprints and wondered how I’d fare once Dash had taken my body completely. “Have you spoken to Brogan and Fillan?”

  That took the smile from his face. “I have. They were of no help. They don’t agree with my sacrifices.”

  They didn’t agree with me. I wasn’t so sure I blamed them. I’d fallen for Denny’s lies, I’d yearned for Dash’s truths, and still had debts to repay. Their only wrong was being tied to Dash. “I didn’t ask them to do anything for me.”

  “I did. They couldn’t have stayed behind without me. My father has threatened them before. He doesn’t make threats for fun. They are warnings. Brogan and Fillan had … hard lives. The MK’s were the only family that took them in, but in doing so they made them inhuman. They wanted out. I needed help. We both had no choice.”

  Brogan and Fillan had left behind a horrendous taste in my mouth. They sounded like wild emotionless animals who tied women to beds and made them feel bad for their bruises. If they were MK men, then that may well be the case. But Dash trusted them, and it seemed I’d have to find a way to work them into my thoughts. Eventually …

  “You don’t have to like them,” he said, flipping through the pages. “But you do have to promise me that you won’t leave this tower without me again.” His fear slithered back, as if it had ever left, would ever leave.

  Didn’t have us by our hearts.

  “I won’t leave.” I could say this to him every second of every day, and he would only remember the second in which I had left.

  The light in the tower faded as Dash and I poured over the blueprints. I tried to be a productive participant, but the longer I looked at the infrastructure, the more my head spun. I had held the key out the entire time. His anger when I awoke looked a lot like terror to me now. His harshness was my fear playing tricks on me. Dash had never been between me and the way out. He’d only been trying to keep me here long enough for me to remember that I had fallen for him once, that I could fall for him again.

  That when I fell, I had nothing to hold on to, but him.

  When the moon fell on our backs, I shoved away from the bar and rubbed my eyes tiredly. “Denny won’t find us.”

  “I’m not entirely trusting of your position.” He gathered the blueprints messily, shoving them in the wrong order. “He will find us. That’s why we’re up here. Because they are down there.”

  I didn’t mention that if I hadn’t left, we’d never know that Denny was as intertwined with the MK’s as his father seemed to be. Having a baby with Dash’s sister, marrying her. I swallowed down the residual hurt before Dash saw it. “We can’t stay up here,” I soothed, placing my hand on his shoulder. “We’ll never know what they know. We’ll pour over the ways out and the ways in, until we forget why we’re here. We’re here to keep us away from them. But we can do that anywhere.”

  He was already shaking his head, because his perception was twisted too. “The moment we leave, we cannot come back. It’s running, Kinley. Not for a day, or a week, but for a lifetime. We can’t slack. Not once. Because if we do, t
hey’ll find us.”

  “They can’t look for us forever.” I turned away slightly, as if blocking his words would somehow make them less terrifying. That’s how Denny had spoken, that he’d never stop. That I would repay my debt.

  “I can’t take down the entire gang!” he snapped, snarling as he pushed away. “If they were lacking, this gang would have disintegrated. They’re not lacking. No one can take them down. No one.” His chest rose and fell under the weight of his fear. “Have you figured it out yet? We’re caught right in the middle of hell, and you’re still trying to find a way out.”

  I watched the muscles in his back ripple as he left me. I had no way of knowing through the walls which way he went, but I would bet he’d kept straight. Brogan and Fillan were the only other people who understood.

  Instead of giving in to the dark panic inside of me, I cleaned up our chili mess. At least he’d eaten it all. Having nothing else to do, I settled on the sofa. I wasn’t surprised to find that the remote now worked for me, or that I had access to the Wi-Fi. Who would I try to contact? The only person I thought I had left was downstairs trying to figure out where I’d gone. As I flipped through a movie app, I tried to recall the things Denny had said. Even he knew he was my only tie to this world. Looking up my parents was his way of making sure of that. I hadn’t tried to find my mother since she took off without me, and my father wanted nothing to do with me since I was born, let alone through my teenage years. And that my heart iced over the moment I walked into the youth home, was his fault for the shards that wouldn’t melt.

  I ran from those memories. There weren’t many, since my heart hadn’t stopped sprinting from the moment I was able to realize that if I stopped, I’d lose. But there were enough. Being stuck, or having no reason to run, had given them time to catch up.

  I could guarantee that my parents were in Denny’s pocket now too. If I even thought of going to them for help, I’d be sheep food. I put my head between my knees and hummed Over the Rainbow until the images of a sheep farm at night, of the grunting and snot of the animals as they ate my heart first, left my thoughts. But what Denny didn’t know was that I had never gone to them for help. Even if all of my options were gone, they were not one of them. Mental illness made it harder, but it didn’t make it impossible. They were inhuman long before their diagnosis. Maybe someone made them that way—I had no way of knowing—but they’d made me who I was, and my feet were tired of running.