Every Boy's Got One
Page 12
How is JANE HARRIS looking in a bathing suit? You did not tell!
Martin Schneck
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To: Claire Harris
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Hi!
Right now we’re in the car on the way to Castelfidardo to apply for Mark and Holly’s marriage license!
It’s so exciting!
It’s also sooooooooooo beautiful here. Even the BILLBOARDS seem more attractive than they do back home. They’re definitely more interesting… even though I can’t read them.
And the food! I just had the best breakfast of my LIFE… something called Nutella on this freshly baked— still warm from the oven— bread. Oh my God, I thought I had died and gone to heaven.
Anyway, hope you and Dad are well!
Ciao for now!
J
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To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
Since you seem so reticent to discuss this face-to-face, I see no alternative other than to continue our eversation. I believe you were saying something to the effect that I ought to mind my own business where matters of Mark’s heart were concerned, and I was busy maintaining that I felt it my duty as a loyal friend to warn him of the emotional and financial jeopardy in which he is placing himself. Have you given the matter more thought, or are you still blinded by the romance of the thing?
Cal
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To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
Oh my God, I can’t believe you’re e-ing me from the front seat AGAIN. CUT IT OUT!
J
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To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
What other choice do you leave me when you won’t speak to me in person? I haven’t budged from my position that these two are making an enormous mistake. Have you, perhaps, come around to my way of thinking? I notice you seemed reluctant to leave the pool today when your friend Holly was urging us to get ready for the trip to Castelfidardo….
Cal
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To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
Because I was having a nice time at the pool! At least until YOU showed up there.
And no, I haven’t changed my mind. Holly and Mark belong together, and I don’t understand why
anyone would think otherwise.
And I’m not “blinded by the romance of the thing,” as you put it. It’s sweet, that’s all. And if you do anything to try to ruin it, you’re a creep!
J
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To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
A creep?
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
You heard me. Or read me. A CREEP. Only a creep would try to talk his best friend out of marrying the girl of his dreams. Don’t even tell me that isn’t what you were up all night doing down there on the terrazza.
J
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To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
How do you know what I was up all night doing? You went to bed at ten.
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
I just happened to get up to get a drink of water, and I saw you out there. You and Mark.
But it didn’t work, obviously. Or we wouldn’t be making this trip to Castelfidardo, now, would we?
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
I didn’t get a chance to speak to Mark, due to the fact that the excessive amount of alcohol he put away at dinner rendered him comatose. Not, I would like to add, a good sign that he is looking forward to his impending nuptials with joy.
Cal
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To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
Oh, please.I could drink Mark under the table. He’s always been a lightweight. He was probably just trying to keep up with you. That doesn’t mean ANYTHING.
Besides, every guy has the right to let off a little steam before he gets married.
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
> every guy has the right to let off a little steam before he gets married.<
Proving my point that marriage is an unnatural and antiquated institution that ought to be abolished. The fact that it is traditional for men to get blind stinking drunk the night before their wedding just shows that it is a state into which they are entering against their better judgment.
WOMEN want marriage. Men do not. Mark’s behavior last evening proves deep down, he doesn’t want this. And you know it.
Cal
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To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
You’re so weird. Seriously. Are you this way about EVERYTHING? I mean, do you have to overthink every little thing? Don’t you ever just DO stuff, without thinking about it first?
Or is it BECAUSE you did something once, without weighing the consequences, and got burned, that you are so anti-marriage?
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
And I suppose you’re going to claim you haven’t been dreaming about your wedding day since you were seven? Dressing your Barbies up in bridal veils and walking them down the aisle with poor hapless Ken since you were nine? Sketching designs of your dream wedding gown since your teens, and viewing every male you met after the age of twenty as potential husband/father-of-your-children material, weighing his earning potential against his looks and assessing the chances of his remaining faithful to you?
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
You didn’t answer my question.
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
You didn’t answer mine.
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
Fine. Yes, I had Barb
ie weddings. Yes, I’ve sketched bridal gowns.
And, yes, I’ve sized up potential boyfriends, wondering whether or not they were going to be faithful to me.
But I’ve never cared about their EARNING potential. Truly. You can ask Holly.
And as for being good father material, how can I worry about who’s going to be the father of my children when I’m not even sure I WANT children? My career is just starting out. I want to see how that goes before I attempt to bring another life form into this world.
Besides which, I already have a cat. That is quite enough responsibility right now.
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
Are you seriously comparing owning a cat to raising a child?
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
Um, you haven’t met The Dude.
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
Who is The Dude?
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
My cat. And you still haven’t answered MY question.
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
I can’t remember what it was.
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
Isn’t it true that the only reason you’re so anti-love-and-marriage is because your own didn’t work out?
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
Absolutely not. The failure of my own marriage plays absolutely no part in my conviction that human beings are genetically incapable of monogamy. I believe we were meant to have seven or eight partners in a lifetime, not one. The idea that as a community we applaud those couples who manage to stay together forty or fifty years or longer is simply ridiculous. There’s something inherently wrong with celebrating couples like that. It simply isn’t natural to want to spend that much time with another human being.
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
My parents will be celebrating their fortieth wedding anniversary next year. Are you saying there’s something inherently wrong with them?
J
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
No offense to your parents, but basically, yes. Are you going to tell me that in all of those forty years, they’ve never fought or cheated on each other?
Cal
___________________________________________
To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
Sure they’ve fought. They’re HUMAN. But cheated on each other? No way.
J
PS You’re an ass.
___________________________________________
To: Jane Harris
Fr: Cal Langdon
Re: Time to talk
I never said my theory was a very popular one. But it happens to be true.
Cal
PS Has anyone ever told you that you’re kind of cute when you’re mad?
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To: Cal Langdon
Fr: Jane Harris
Re: Time to talk
Are you FLIRTING with me?
It won’t work. I’m a little brighter than the women you’re so obviously used to.
Stop e-ing me, we’re here.
J
PS You’re still an ass.
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Marriage of an American Citizen in Italy
An American citizen planning to marry in Italy must obtain a declaration (called STATO LIBERO) sworn by four (4) witnesses before the Italian consulate, stating that according to the laws in which the citizen is subject in the United States there is no obstacle to his/her marriage. Therefore he/she must appear at this Consulate General with four unrelated friends not related to him/her nor to each other. Each of them has to bring a valid identification (Passport or Drivers License).
The citizen’s passport must also be presented and, if applicable, evidence of the termination of any previous marriage (final divorce decree or death certificate) translated into Italian and legalized by the competent Department of State with an “Apostille” (see page 2). The sworn statement has three months’ validity.
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Travel Diary of Jane Harris
Travel Diary of Holly Caputo and Mark Levine
Jane Harris
Cal Langdon is a stupid jerk.
He’s the KING of all jerks. He’s the undisputed CHAMPION of all-time jerks. How can Mark even be friends with him? Really? How?
I mean, I GUESS he can be interesting, and even witty, when he’s talking about some arcane topic such as the accordion-making industry. Which, considering that Castelfidardo is apparently the accordion making capital of the known universe, is at least kind of useful. Who knew Zio Matteo is a world renowned accordionist, and that’s why he bought a villa so close to the town that makes his chosen instrument?
There is even an accordion MUSEUM here, featuring— what else?—the world’s largest playable accordion. It’s as tall as Cal Langdon.
There’s also a statue on the village green of a large man playing the accordion. He is, oddly, in the buff. I’m not sure this would fly in America. I mean, a statue of a naked accordionist in the town square.
Still, topics unrelated to human relationships, such as Saudi Arabia’s declining oil reserves and the history of accordion-making? Those are the only subjects about which Cal Langdon ought to be allowed by law to converse. Because when it comes to people, he’s totally and completely in the dark.
No wonder his wife left him.
I honestly don’t even see how he lasted as long as he did on the foreign correspondence trail. I mean, Cal Langdon has been flying around the world—when he wasn’t apparently bouncing around it in the back of a jeep—interviewing dignitaries and world leaders and guerrillas alike.
And yet he seems to know less about people than ME, and I’ve barely left my apartment these past five years, I’ve been so busy drawing. How can someone who knows so many people know so little about them? That’s what I’d like to know.
Whatever. I’m not going to let him spoil this beautiful moment for me. We’re sitting outside the Office of the Secretary of Castelfidardo, which is where they give out the marriage license applications and schedule the town weddings. Mark and Holly are up at the desk, trying to make the clerk understand what they want. They already have all these forms they filled out back
at the Italian consulate in New York. It turns out that if an American citizen wants to elope in a foreign country, they can’t just do it all willy-nilly. You have to fill out a bunch of paperwork first, back in the States. For one of the forms, Mark and Holly even had to drag four separate witnesses—unrelated to them, or to each other—to the Italian embassy to swear that they weren’t already married to anyone else (Holly and Mark, I mean).
I don’t know why this is taking so long. Or why Cal Langdon felt compelled to go up there too, and listen in. I’m keeping an eye on him to make sure he isn’t trying to sabotage the proceedings. Now the secretario himself has come out to join in the conversation.
Still, the secretario keeps going, “Non.”
This doesn’t sound good. Shouldn’t he be saying, “Si”?
Holly keeps gesturing to the paperwork from the Italian consulate and going, “But in New York they said—”
And the secretario keeps going, in his broken English, “Yessa, but, in New Yorka, thees is not how we do the engs here in Italia.”
Hmmm. Holly looks stressed. I sense trouble brewing.
Now the secretario is starting to look annoyed.
“I donna understand,” he’s saying. “Why you have to get married here in Castelfidardo? Why not Las Vegas, like normal Americans?”
Uh-oh. Holly’s mad now.
“Because we’re NOT normal Americans,” she says. “We want to get married here in Castelfidardo. We have the right forms. What’s the problem? Just open your calendar and tell us when the mayor has a time available to perform the ceremony, and we’ll be on our—”
Oh, my. Peter Schumacher just walked in. He must have followed us on his little motorino.