Fearless

by Mel Ballew

  As I near the top of the landing, Elle is at the bottom step with her mouth open about to yell at me again.

  “I’m coming. Hold your britches, Bugs.” I toss my Nerf football down the stairs towards her.

  “It’s about freaking time, Tucker. We’ve only been waiting for forever. I even texted Chelse and told her to stop texting you.” She catches the football without flinching. That’s my sis!

  “Nice catch.” I burrow my fingers in her hair when I reach the bottom landing, tug her head down, and make my way past her toward the front door.

  “Yeah, well, I wish I could say the same for you,” Elle shouts after me.

  Elle and I fall asleep on the way, but we always do on this drive. Nearly an hour later, we arrive at the beach house. Despite the fact that Tom owned the house before marrying my mom, I love it here, and coming here every year with the James family is one of my favorite things.

  “Son, grab your sister’s bags. I’ll grab your mom’s and let’s get this all unloaded. While the girls set up, let’s pass some football. You brought it, right?”

  I acknowledge Tom, dad as I call him on occasion. “Sure, sounds great.”

  I appreciate his willingness to play ball with me. We do it every chance we get. If it’s not football in the fall, it’s baseball in the spring. We enjoy snowball fights in the winter and golf during the summer. Somehow, I think he might even be proud of me when I play ball, regardless of what kind it is. My making the varsity football and baseball teams are in part due to him. Maybe I owe all of it to him for having an interest in me.

  Just as he promised, we spend the rest of the afternoon throwing the football around in the sand. Waves crash around us, seagulls fly above us, and the sun shines down upon us. It’s me with my dad, tossing the football. A fleeting thought of my biological father passes through my mind. Thankfully, it’s only a brief one, and I shove it deep into my subconscious. He never did anything with me. He did it all TO me. He would degrade me, call me names, and beat me. I’m thankful that’s not who Tom is.

  Later, after the James’ arrive, the men build a fire in the sand while the girls prepare dinner. We always roast hot dogs and hot sausages over the open fire on our first night. It’s become a tradition, and my mouth waters with anticipation. The moms make a tossed salad, fresh fruit salad, and some sort of pasta. We follow this routine every single year.

  Everything is as it should be.

  After dinner, the girls fetch the items for yet another tradition, S’mores. This one is my personal favorite. Since the encounter with Ren, I always think about the chocolate bars melting into the marshmallows. I smile as my mind travels to thoughts of what I’ll do should any melted chocolate remain on her mouth.

  We sit around the cozy fire and talk about everything and nothing. Mr. James rouses me from my thoughts when he turns to me, takes a swig of his beer, and then asks, “So, Tucker, are you planning on a college scholarship?”

  His question blindsides me. I haven’t considered it, much less planned on it.

  Before I can respond, my dad answers for me. “Sure he is. He’s one of the best ball players in this town. Hell, I’d be willing to bet he’s the best this side of the Mississippi. It’d be a shame to waste all that natural talent.”

  Hmm, natural talent? I didn’t know he thought I had any kind of talent. I don’t consider myself good at anything. I mean, I know I bust balls and play hard. But, doesn’t everyone? That’s not talent. That’s me not wanting to fail or disappoint him.

  “Tucker?”

  I snap out of that thought like a wound up rubber band being released. I shake my head from side to side a little in an attempt to clear my mind. “Yes? Sorry.”

  Elle barrels toward us, kicking up sand in her path. “Tuck!” she shouts, startling me. I almost jump right out of the Adirondack chair. She marches over and parks her hands on her hips. “Make her stop. Holy cow, Tucker, your so-called girlfriend is freaking annoying as heck. She is burning up my cell phone, saying you aren’t returning her texts. Since when did I become your personal secretary?”

  Shit! My phone. I realize I didn’t throw my phone in my travel bag when I rushed to get out of the house.

  Elle shifts her stance and moves aside, clearing a direct path for my eyes to meet Ren’s.

  “Who’s your girlfriend, Tuck?” Ren asks. “I didn’t know you were seeing anyone. Do I know her?” Despite the forced half-smile on her face, she appears dejected.

  I clear my throat, unable to return a prompt reply.

  My dad, sensing my unease, steps in and answers for me. “Don’t be silly, Ren. Tucker isn’t seeing anyone. It’s just some girl who’s vying for his attention. You know all the girls want the star quarterback. No worries.”

  I’m glad he has my back, like a father should, so why do I feel like the biggest jerk for not correcting him, especially since Ren’s entire demeanor changes after his reply. It’s obvious from the way her shoulders relax and she releases a quiet exhale, she believes him. So, why don’t I fess up and tell them about Chelse? She is my girlfriend, right?

  I remain quiet. As. A. Mouse. In truth, as I stand here paralyzed by the fear of being honest with Ren, I remember the first time I met her and how she was the one who calmed my nerves. The first time we kissed down by the creek, and bolts of pre-teenage hormonal currents surged through me. It may have been years ago, but memories of that day, of her lips, how I felt, how she looked at me, and how I ran away are etched within the recesses of my mind. I will never forget my first crush, first kiss, or the first person to stir up these emotions I never even realized I could feel.

  No worries. Tom is right. Chelse is some girl. Ren is my girl. This is why I don’t speak up. Ren has nothing to worry about. This is the truth.

  *

  Hours pass.

  Ren, Elle, and I excuse ourselves to take a walk on the beach. Ever since we were young kids, we have to dip our toes in the water’s edge. We get a thrill out of seeing if we can outsmart the crashing waves and try to jump out of the way as they collide with the shoreline. We lose every time, but it’s still as fun as it was the first time.

  “Aaah!” Elle screams and pushes Ren out of the way when she jumps out of the direct path of a breaking wave. She shoves her right into me.

  “Sorry.” Ren blinks the splashed salt water from her eyes.

  “No worries.” The words stick in my brain while my mouth spits them out as if they are in search of some sort of verbal affirmation.

  Dang it!

  Ren smiles that sweet smile of hers, which gets me every time. I smile back and refuse to let her see how she affects me.

  She and Elle run up the sand, leaping over surf curls and playing around the edge. They splash each other, acting as if they hate it, but loving every single minute of it. Girls.

  Hanging back, I watch my twin and her best friend, the very one who causes a huge smile to spread across my face. A few times, they look back to make sure I’m still behind them, and their juvenile behavior makes me more aware that these two girls hold the key to my heart. This doesn’t mean I don’t despise the part of myself that recognized the fear in Elle’s words three years prior. They still haunt me. I abhor the dread eating me alive. It prevents me from being with Ren. I hate the very thing I have grown to depend on. My fear. Fear of failure. Fear of disappointment. Fear of loving. Fear of being loved.

  Elle runs ahead, stopping to wait for Ren a few times to gather some seashells. Ren moves her bare feet languidly through the water pooling in holes in the sand. She grasps both of her hands behind her back and lifts her head, looking up at me as I approach her.

  “Having fun?” I ask.

  “Yes, I am. I love coming here. The beach is one of my most favorite places on earth. You know that. You?”

  “Yeah, I know.” My reply is simple because my eyes are too busy admiring all of her.

  Her stray hair blows in the wind, and every so often, gusts whisk it across her face. She swipes
each strand away. Every time she tucks it behind her ears, it arouses me. I want to do it for her, but refrain. I want to move those wisps away, tuck them behind her ear, and kiss her, but I don’t. As I look at her, I grow more agitated. It isn’t because she is disturbing me. It’s because my swirling emotions battle back and forth between my weakness to give in to her and my strength to resist.

  Without thinking, I move closer. Our breath blends. Another blast of air glides off the ocean and her hand rises. Reactively, I bring both hands up to her face and cup her cheeks. In one soft motion, I brush aside the windswept tendrils of her hair, tuck them behind her ear, and bring my mouth to hers. I kiss her. With everything in me, raw and wild, I suck up my fear and kiss her again with purpose.

  Staying in the here and now, I pull away, but don’t give her a chance to say a single word. I don’t know whether she could or would if she were able. She’s too stunned. I am, as well, but I ride the wave of newfound strength before it depletes me. “Will you go out with me?”

  Ren doesn’t say a word. She doesn’t move. At first.

  Then, she wraps her arms around my neck and kisses me this time.

  Withdrawing from my arms, she looks me straight in the eye and smacks my chest. “What took you so long? Yes. Yes, I will go out with you.” Then she plants another kiss on my lips.

  “It’s about time!” Elle, who happens to be yards in front of us down the sand, jumping waves or stopping to collect more shells, yells back at us in a faint tone. We laugh as we kiss and make up for lost time.

  “To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.”

  Bertrand Russell

  Chapter Five

  2009

  Age 16

  Elle’s voice sounds worse than the alarm does most days. “Rise and shine, Tucker!”

  Ignoring Elle, I roll over and pull the blankets over my head.

  Of course, she doesn’t quit. She pounces on top of me and screams in my face. “C’mon, Tuck! Get up! We’re sixteen today! And it’s snowing!” She shakes me until I stir.

  “All right, Elle, already! Hop off me!” I shout, angered and edgy from the abrupt awakening.

  I wanted to sleep in this morning after a late night with Ren. We went up to Buzzard’s Rock National Park for a picnic and ate our KFC on a blanket as we watched the sunset. Then I took her to the nearby playground where I pushed her on the swing. Afterward, we hiked by flashlight down to the pavilion, furthest from all of the park activity so we would have some privacy.

  It was our planned first time together. We tried a few months back, but neither of us could follow through. At that point, the most we did was touch each other during our heavy, very heated make-out sessions. We’d talked about being each other’s first since that night on the beach last year. Since today is my birthday, and our parents are throwing Elle and me a huge party, Ren and I agreed last night was our night. We got to be alone, and it was perfect. It was. Everything was flawless. Last night. Damn, it was more than killer!

  This past year has been wonderful. We spend every chance we can together when I’m not playing football, baseball, or out with the guys. Even then, she and Elle hang with us since Elle dates my best friend, Derek. We’re one huge group of friends, and Ren fits right in with us. Aside from the straightforwardness Elle offers, Ren is like a ray of sunshine amongst a bunch of testosterone-fueled males floating throughout the group. She has helped me overcome a lot of my misgivings, and despite some things I’m still working through, I’ve come a long way with her support.

  Most of my friends have had sex. This girl, that girl, a girlfriend of the time, and I’ve been hearing explicit details from each of them for a while now. When they pressure me to spill it, I never do. I wouldn’t do that to Ren. She isn’t a one-stick, one-dip chick.

  “Helllooo! Tucker! Anyone in there?” Elle shouts as she yanks the covers off me again.

  “Elle! Knock it off!” I shout, yanking the covers from her and burying myself under their warmth and protection from an annoying sister.

  “Aww, Tucker, get up!” Through several huffs, she shakes me, and pulls the covers down. When I pull the covers over my head again ignoring her, she raises her voice. “C’mon, get up now.” I grunt, but she pulls the blanket off my head and when I peel one eye open and look at her, her hands are on her hips. “Now. I talked to Ren. She’s showering, then heading over here to pick us up. We also have to pick up Derek and then we’re going to the mall. Dad gave me his credit card to get everything we need for the party.” I stir, stretching my entire body, but she releases a huge sigh and shakes her head at me in disgust. “Oh, and mom is out to breakfast right now with Aunt Mary, but told me before she left to wake you up so we can get everything and get back to help her set things up. So get up, Tuck!” Her voice is whiny now and grates my tired nerves.

  I say nothing and shut my eyes, rolling them with pure irritation. Not at seeing Ren. No, I’m excited to see her, more than ever after last night. I can still smell her, feel myself inside of her, and taste her lips on mine. I’m irritated as piss at not being able to wake up on my own, and at my twin who whines to get her way.

  “All right! Get off me so I can get out of bed and get a shower,” I snap back.

  “Don’t you even start, Tucker Reeves. It is our birthday – our sixteenth birthday at that – and I will not have you being a freaking crabby patty all day long.” She jumps off the bed. “Snap the hell out of it, and get your ass out of bed right now. But first, get your attitude in check. So what if I woke you up? Get over it!” Elle barks back and storms right out of my room, slamming the door in her wake.

  I shake my head at her tenacity and chuckle. Yep! That’s my li’l sister. The one I used to protect, but now she has grown into her own backbone, and I fucking adore her for that.

  *

  “Hey, baby!” I lean in to greet Ren with a soft smooch.

  “Hey, yourself,” she replies, smiling as she steals one more quick kiss and then pushes herself away from me. Walking around the car, she looks back over her right shoulder and gives me a teasing smirk before she climbs into the driver’s seat. I still cannot believe her dad got her a BMW, but it’s no surprise that Elle wants a matching one.

  “Oh, no you don’t, li’l sis.” Grabbing hold of the open passenger side door, I look straight at Elle and motion toward the rear. “Take your seat. There.”

  “Tucker, you suck. You could at least let me ride in the front with Ren until we pick up Derek.”

  “Nah, I’m good,” I retort, claiming the front seat next to Ren.

  “Pfft!” Elle slams the door. That makes two slams in less than a few hours. I’m doing good, I think, and laugh.

  “So, what’s the game plan?” Ren asks as she pulls out of the driveway.

  Elle proceeds to fill her in on all of our intended stops and shops, until we reach Derek’s house. Ren pulls along the curb and honks the horn.

  “Ren, ohmagawd! Why are you honking? That’s so rude. I’ll be right back.” Elle hops out of the backseat and darts across the lawn to retrieve Derek.

  The hands of the clock slow as I get lost making out with Ren, and with the heated kissing, it seems as if it stands still. Before we know it, Elle is back with Derek.

  “Dude, what’s up, man?” Derek says, smacking me on the back of the head.

  “Hey man, not much. You ready for the girls to drag us through these damn shops?”

  “Yeah, I’m so not ready for this, bro. Mars and Venus and all that shit, you know,” he replies, right before Elle gives his bicep a nice crack.

  Derek shoots her a quick look, quirks his eyebrows as if to say what, and then shrugs his shoulders in defeat. He leans over, pulls her closer to him, and then kisses her forehead to appease her.

  The rest of the day goes off without a hitch. We meander through the list of to-dos before grabbing lunch on our way back to meet my mom to decorate for the party.

  A few hours late
r, the balloons contain enough helium to lift the roof off our house, and hang in each room as they bob off the ceiling. The rest of the decorations are meticulous, and the caterers have enough food lining the buffet tables to feed an entire army. Mom and Tom talk with the party planner, and the four of us head upstairs to get ready.

  When we make it back downstairs, the house is filled with people. Our friends and friends of our parents abound. A mixture of music genres, on repeat, serenades guests. Mom has outdone herself, but then she always does.

  “Ah, there are our birthday twins,” she says, moving in to kiss Elle and me on our cheeks.

  “I can’t believe my babies are sixteen. I’m not sure where the time has gone, and I cannot believe you’re old enough to drive.”

  “Mom.” Elle scowls, expressing slight annoyance and a gentle reminder about the whole babies comment.

  Without giving either of them room for a mother/daughter brawl, I hug Mom and return her kiss with a peck on her cheek. “Thanks for all of this, mom. We both appreciate it. Don’t we, Elle?” I nudge Elle’s side.

  “Tuck, mom knows she’s the best! She knows how much we appreciate her. Don’t be such a dork.” Elle leans up to hug and kiss mom and then grabs Derek’s arm to lead him into the crowd.

  Tom walks up, wraps his arm around my mom’s shoulders, pulls her to him, and whispers something into her ear.

  “Okay. That’s my cue to leave.” I smile at my mom, but roll my eyes in fun. “Come on, Ren, let’s go see who is here.” Then I take Ren’s hand and drag her away into the throng of partygoers.

  Music filters throughout the space as people dance and mingle. From the guests to the playlist, to the food, down to the cake and gifts, it’s stellar. The entire night goes smooth. For hours, an impressive mix of cool vibes permeates the party space. I guess turning sixteen isn’t so bad, after all. Hell, I can’t even remember now why I wasn’t looking forward to it. Still, nothing beats last night. My time with Ren was incredible.