The Stainless Steel Rat Go's To Hell

by Harry Harrison

  "A piece of cake, Dad."

  "We will then ask him to answer two incredibly important questions. Where is I-leaven-and what is the overall plan? It is imperative that we find out what the snakey Slakeys want all the money for."

  "Do it," Inskipp said, a man who always makes his mind up quickly. "What are you going to need for this job?"

  It was a good plan, and a tight one. As soon as Slakey found out what we were up to he would react. Violently. And he was well ahead of us technically. Coypu still-had not found a means of getting any operable machines into another universe. But Slakey in Hell had a working gauss rifle. I just hoped that there wasn't any more universally transportable weaponry in Slakey's hands.

  Our advantage would have to be speed of attack. And numbers.

  But our primary hit team had to be small so it could move fast. I would go because the whole thing was my idea. Then James had to be with me since he had to hypnotize the old red devil. And Angelina of course, she would not let me go alone. And of course Bolivar, who naturally would not permit a family outing without being present himself. We would go in fast and hit hard.

  But our flank would be protected by two hundred very mean and obnoxious Combat Marines. They would be armed only with their hands and feet and combative know-how.

  Which should be enough. They would be guided by Sybil, who

  certainly knew her away around Hell. Also, I had caught a number of dark looks from Angelina whenever she saw me talking to the female agent. Which meant that life would be a lot smoother if Sybil led the troopers.

  My old companion, Marine Captain (3rissle, would be in charge of the troops and I received a message that he urgently wanted to see me. I sent for him.

  "No guns?" he asked as he stamped through the door. "A marine is not a marine without a weapon."

  "Unarmed combat, they're supposed to know all about that kind of thing."

  "They do. But they would do better with a grenade or two."

  "They would fuse into lumps and would not go off. I couldn't even open the blades on my pocketknife in Glass."

  "Bayonets?"

  "They will get stuck in their scabbards. And don't say leave the scabbards behind. I do not relish the thought of two hundred marines popping through into Hell and falling all over each other with naked bayonets in their hands. But, yes, I have thought about it and think that something can be done. We will all be carrying weapons."

  "What?"

  "I will work out the details and you will see just before we leave. Dismissed."

  It took a few days to make all the preparations, which gave us a useful breathing period. Angelina had had a chance to put some weight back on, four good meals a day helped, and we were all raring to go. Coypu had been fiddling with his equations and his circuits and had built a superior model of his dimensional doorway.

  "Basically its just a matter of power," he explained. "Slakey had to conceal his machines, keep them small and out of sight. We have no such restrictions."

  The new machine was most impressive. At great expense he had tapped directly into the planetwide and international electrical grid. A large, red, insulated cable, over a meter in diameter, led into the main ballroom of the hotel, now converted into an electronic jungle. In the middle of the dance floor was a full sized garage door mounted in a frame. I admired it-from the front only of course. Since it had no back. That is if you walked around it you couldn't see it or it wasn't there or something. But it looked sound and solid from the front.

  "Take a peek and see what we have got," Coypu said, making some adjustments on his operating console. I turned the garage-door handle and opened the door a crack-then slammed it when the air began to whistle through.

  "-All black-with stars. And lower pressure. That's not Hell."

  "But I'm very close, that's the adjoining one. Try it now."

  A red sun burned down from the red sky. I sneezed when a whiff of hydrogen sulfide drifted out. "That's it," I said closing the door again. "Shall I call in the troops?"

  "I'm ready when you are."

  They were all waiting expectantly for the signal. Sybil and Angelina were the first to get there. Moments later the tramp of marching feet heralded the arrival of the marines. They stamped in, marched in position, faced front and thundered to a halt.

  "Great," I said. "Stand them at ease and be prepared for issue of weapons."

  "Weapons!" Captain Grissle's great jaw cracked into a unaccustomed smile.

  "There!" I said as James and Bolivar drove in with the laden freight wagons. I opened one of the boxes and pulled out a bloated red form and waved it on high.

  "A salami?", Grissle gasped.

  "Very observant," I said. "A both deadly and edible weapon. Issue them to your men."

  "You're not playing the fool again, are you?" Angelina said as she and Sybil looked on dubiously.

  "Never, my love. This is a very serious decision and one that was worked Out with impeccable logic. Instead of fighting with the inhabitants of Hell, we feed them. If they have been resorting to cannibalism, a redolent salami will make Hell a paradise for them. However, since most of them are a little insane we must expect trouble. Then, in any emergency, you will discover that a ten-kilo salami can wreak fearful damage. And if we overstay our leave we can always eat them ourselves."

  The marines were issued one salami each. "And no nibbling!" I warned. Sybil and the twins took theirs, but the look in Angelina's eyes warned me not to even wave one in her direction. I took mine and held it aloft.

  "Are we ready, Professor?"

  "Locked on."

  "Then here we go!" I shouted, throwing open the garage door to Hell and pointing my salami. "Attack!"

  It was a lovely sight. With their salamis at slope arms and in perfect step, the marines charged straight into Hell behind Sybil. My family followed.

  As instructed, the marines had spread out in a long skirmish line. Sybil waved her salami and indicated the direction for them to take. Away from the lava lake and towards the foothills.

  "This is a terrible place," Angelina said. The ground trembled as flame and smoke shot from a distant volcano.

  "We'll get out as fast as we can. But it has to be done."

  "Some trouble over there," Bolivar said. One of the marines had been ambushed by two of the locals who had leaped out of hiding and tackled him. He swung his salami with trained skill and bowled them both over. This broke the salami in two which must have released a deliciously garlicky smell that brought instant attention from the sprawled men. They scrambled in the- sand, the marine forgotten, seized up their booty and fled.

  "Well done," Angelina said, lifting her face and giving me a quick kiss on the cheek.

  "Man down!" the captain shouted. "Take cover."

  "Let's go," I shouted and led the rush.

  Everything went according to plan; red Slakey would be easier to capture with so many marines involved in stalking him. It would be faster too.

  Two of the marines carried their wounded comrade by.

  'Flesh wound," one of them called out.

  "Back through the door, the hotel doctor is waiting," I called after them.

  We slowed to a walk, panting and perspiring. By the time we reached the scene the marines had done their job and Slakey had been captured and disarmed. He was being held fast by two of the largest marines. Bolivar and James grabbed the prisoner while the marines fanned out in a wide circular formation around us.

  "We meet again, Professor Slakey," I said. He foamed a little and writhed in the twins' unbreakable grip but did not speak.

  I grabbed his arm so James could do his hypnotizing. Which, unhappily, did not seem to be working.

  "I can't get his attention, sorry," James said. "I've never worked with anyone in this insane state before."

  "Let me try," I said, breaking off a great chunk of salami and holding it close to the prisoner's nose. He stopped struggling and gaped; his nostrils twitched. Then he snapped at it and his
teeth clacked together when I jerked it back. I handed the redolent salami to James.

  "You've got his attention now."

  "You're hungry," James said, "hungry and sleepy. Bite, eat, chew, that's it. Swallow, good man. Want more, nod, that's it."

  "Quiet!" a dark-suited Professor Slakey said, running up the hill towards us. An attacking marine swung a powerful salami and felled him. He rolled down the hill and vanished from sight.

  It was a good thing we had brought so many marines. One Slakey after another appeared-until at one point there were twelve attacking at the same time. The important thing was that they were all unarmed; apparently they had made only the single gun for Hell and we had caught them unprepared. Try as they might they never made it through the perimeter of muscular guardians. One of the Slakeys appeared almost on top of us, reaching for the now silent devilish form, but Angelina caught him and twisted and hurled him back down the hill.

  Then the attack was over as swiftly as it had begun. Our prisoner was now sitting on the ground happily chewing his rations.

  "They've stopped," I called out. "But stay alert-it could be a ruse-be ready for anything."

  "They won't be back," James said around a chewy mouthful. 'What one knows they all know. So they all know now that the prisoner let me down on the Slakey motivation for this entire thing. His brain is so addled that he had no idea of what I was talking about or what all that money is needed for. But he remembers Heaven, clearly, knows its importance. Once I had the information, the code sequence, the other Slakeys stopped the attack."

  "You've memorized it?"

  "Better than that." He held up the remaining half of his salami. "I scratched it on this with my fingernail."

  CHAPTER 15

  I WORKED OUT IN THE hotel's health club every day. The first day I was exhausted after an hour, the aftereffects of starvation on Glass saw to that. But the trainer sweated with me full time; weights, bike, hydrotherapy, 2G sprints and all the rest. It wasn't too long before I was able to put in a five-hour day and I was feeling fit and perky. My morale was also cheered on by the fact that I had put all of my lost weight back on as muscle. The layer of fat on my love handles, product of all dissolute and boozing living on Lussuoso no doubt, was gone. I jogged and I swam and realized I could no longer put off the moment of truth. Because I was sure that Angelina would not like it.

  "I don't like it," she said very affirmatively. "No."

  "My love-light of my life," I said clutching her hands in mine. The bar was empty and only the robot bartender was observing this digital act-of passion. With a lithe twist she slipped her hands free, picked up her glass and sipped. I tried logic.

  "H' you look at the question from all sides you will see that this is the only possible answer"

  "I can think of a lot more possibilities."

  "But none that will work. We need to know what is happening in Heaven. The more people that go bumbling around there, the more chance there is of someone being spotted. One person must go in alone. One super-agent of superlative talent and experience, a lone wolf, he who slinks by night, lithe, handsome, unbeatable-the galaxy's best agent. And I can give you a hint about his name. Some call him 'Stalowy Szczur,' others 'Ratinox,' and even 'Rustiniuna Stairato'-"

  "You?"

  "How nice of you to say so! Now that you have spoken the truth aloud-can you think of anyone who is better qualified?"

  She frowned and sipped her drink in silence, with perhaps the slightest gurgle from her straw when the last drop vanished. Stirred to life by this sound, the barbot whistled its wheels along the rails behind the bar and juddered to a stop. It spoke in a deep and sensual voice. "Does madam require a refill of her delicious drink, a Pink Rocket-popsy?"

  "Why not?" A metal tentacle snaked out, curled around the stem of the glass and zipped it away out of sight. A door in the thing's chest opened and a new chilled glass appeared, brimming with drink.

  "And for Sire? Drinkey7'

  I was in training and not ready to get smashed to the eyeballs on booze. "Diet-whiskey with a slice of fruit."

  "I can't argue with that," she finally said. "You are the best agent that Inskipp has. You know it and I can't deny it. Mostly because you are not an effete trainee new to the job, or a dogooder officer of the law. Instead, you are basically a bent and twisted crook with a lifetime of experience-in crime."

  "You make it sound so good."

  "I should know. But that still doesn't mean you go to Heaven alone. I'll go with you."

  "No, you will not. You will keep the homefires burning, guard my back and..

  "One more word of that male chauvinist pig dreck and I will claw your eyes out."

  When she used that tone of voice she meant it. I leaned back when I saw her fingers arch.

  "I apologize, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it. Misplaced attempt at levity. I grovel at your feet," I said, dropping to the floor and doing a nice grovel and writhe.

  She had to laugh and the air was cleared and I took her hands in mine again. "I have to go, and I have to go alone."

  She sighed. "I know that, although I hate to admit it. But you will take care of yourself?"

  "A promise-that I will keep."

  "When do you leave?"

  "I'll find out this afternoon. Our dear friend Coypu thinks he has finally licked the communication problem between us and the next universe."

  "I thought he said that it was impossible."

  "That was on a bad day. Today is a good one."

  "I'll go with you."

  The professor had tidied up all the breadboarded devices and looping wires that had made up his machine. Everything had now been integrated into a hulking black console that was all readouts and twinkling lights, tesla coils and glowing screen. Only the giant electrical cable was the same.

  "Ah, James," he said when we came in, turned and rattled through a file drawer. "I have something for you."

  He proudly produced a featureless flat black disk with a hole in the middle, dusted it off and passed it over.

  "A music recording?" I asked, puzzled.

  "You must not act like you have the intelligence level of plant life," he miffed. "What you are holding is a singularly remarkable invention. It is solid-state, has no moving parts, and even the electrons are pseudo-electrons, so they move at zero speed. It is impossible to detect it or affect it in any way. I've tried it in a number of universes and it works fine."

  "What does it do?"

  "When activated it signals the mother machine here. Which reaches out and brings you back. Simple."

  "It certainly is. But how do I activate it?"

  "Even simpler. It detects brain waves. You think at it and it takes you home."

  I stared at the disk with admiration. What a wonder. I spun it on my finger. All I had to do was to think "Take me home..."

  Then I was across the room and slammed up tight against the machine, my hand held to its surface by the disk, my finger through the hole feeling as though it had been amputated.

  "Can't. . . breathe I choked out. Coypu hit a switch and I dropped to the floor. "A few little adjustments will take care of that."

  I stood up, rubbing my sore ribs, still clutching the disk as I pulled my swollen finger out of the hole.

  "Very impressive, " Angelina said. "Thank you, Professor.

  I'll have less to worry about now. When does he leave?"

  "Whenever he wants to." He threw another switch and bolts of lightning coruscated deep inside the machine and the tesla coil snapped out loud sparks. "But there are a few other factors that must be considered before he departs. I managed to poke the tip of a universal analyzer through into Heaven. Some very interesting results. See." A screen lit up filled with rolling numbers and wiggling graphs.

  "See what?" I said. "Makes no sense to me."

  Coypu snorted with disgust and sneered with superiority. In that order. Then tapped the screen of the spectral gas analyzer. "It is obvious."

  "Only to a g
enius like you, Professor. Explain, please."

  I was sorry I asked. He explained at great and boring length. Gravity, air pressure, oxygen tension, speed of light, all that was okay. But there was too much more of electron spin, chaos dispersion, water quality, sewage disposal, fractal fracture and such. When he got on to analysis of atmospheric components I stopped him.

  "What was that you said about some kind of gas?"

  He pointed to the analysis bar on the screen. "This. A compound I have never seen before, so it has no name. I call it nitoxcubed. Because it acts somewhat like nitrous oxide."

  "Laughing gas?"

  "Correct. But with the pleasure factor cubed. So everyone goes around half-stoned. Then, if they leave Heaven, they get withdrawal symptoms, as is noted in the interviews in the record."

  "I don't like that," Angelina said. "Could be habit-forming and Jim has enough bad habits right now. Can you do anything about it?"

  "Of course." He held up a vial of purple liquid. "This will cancel the effects, an antidote. Roll up your sleeve, diGriz." He filled a subdermal injector and gave my arm a spritz, blasting the antidote through my skin and right into my bloodstream.

  "This is the only precaution you need take. Are you ready to go now?" He pressed a button and power surged through the machine.

  "No rush!" I said, suddenly feeling rushed. "I need a good meal and a night's sleep first. We'll do it tomorrow morning, nice and early, at the crack of dawn. I will be off to Heaven."

  We went out on the town that night, savoring the pleasures of this holiday world for the first time. Angelina and I held hands while Sybil had each of the lads by the arm and it was a great evening. The sound and light display was something else again, with an aurora borealis in the sky above and a two thousand-piece orchestra in the pit below. Food, the best. Drink, better. Except for me; with morning getting ever closer I stuck to the diet-whiskey.