by Rita Hestand
"Like making love?" She asked softly.
"How did you know that?"
"My mother talked to me a little about that. She wanted me to be prepared." Beth explained. "Tell me, is making love like…well…. like the animals do it?"
He made a strange face and then realized she was serious. "No…" He stared at her innocent face. "Not exactly. When a man and a woman come together, it should be a beautiful thing. When you are sure you love someone, making love is an incredible experience. But making love is for people who are really in love. Do you understand that? It's not something you jump into blindly, like a kiss, but by choice and decision. It should only be shared when you are ready to give of yourself."
"We can kiss, but nothing else?" She questioned.
"Well, I hadn't thought that far ahead." Wade looked seriously at her now. "I promised not to do anything until you are ready, and because you are inexperienced, you might think you are before you are."
"That doesn't make sense."
"It will. Because when you are truly ready, you'll know it. For now, we need to stop kissing every time we are together." He said turning away from her.
"You don't like my kisses?" She pouted. "I don't do it right."
He looked to the heavens and shook his head. "Of course I like them. I like them very much, but…a little too much."
She had acted shamelessly. She colored brightly.
"I'm sorry…I've become a hussy."
"God…Don't be sorry. I enjoyed every one of them…" He explained pulling at his shirt collar. "But you see a man reacts differently than a woman. A man is more like an animal, a woman is more genteel. But when a man loves a woman, making love can be quite pleasurable."
She nodded. "It sounds wonderful, the way you put it."
"When both of us, feel the same, then it will be."
"I could never tell by the animals, if they enjoyed it or not. I've seen animals. But you can't read their expressions on their faces. So it's hard to tell if they enjoyed it or not. But someday…. I think I'd like to try it…with you."
He cleared his throat and stared at her.
"You are very trusting," his voice went soft.
"I wouldn't be, but you've already asked for my hand in marriage. You talked to my father about it. It's arranged, so I trust you. Mama says trust is one of the most important things in a marriage. Am I doing that wrong too?"
"No, you are absolutely right. And she's right, too. Trust is what we build upon in a marriage. Sharing, and caring, but most of all trusting. Now, we need to talk more." He encouraged. "And to answer your question, no…you aren't doing anything wrong. God help me, you are doing everything so right."
"What do we need to talk about?" She asked innocently.
"Well…for instance, what is your favorite color?"
She looked up at the sky and smiled. "Blue…I like blue. Like the beautiful sky, it's endless."
"And do you like music?"
"Very much. I usually tap my toes to it all the time. I've got a habit of singing when I'm happy."
He stared down into her eyes and his expression was serious, "I'll look forward to hearing it, often, then."
She stared back, she was so drawn to him.
"Do you dance?"
"Sort of. Nothing grand… I've been to some country dances, but just those, nothing fancy."
"What is your favorite food?"
"Food, huh, well, I like pork chops, steaks, and roast beef, stews, dumplings, cornbread…all the usual foods. What do you like?"
"A good steak, potatoes, cornbread, red beans, things of that nature." He smiled at her as they took a seat on the porch steps.
She chuckled, "How about red beans, cornbread, fried potatoes and some buttermilk?"
"Sounds delicious." He smiled into her shining eyes.
But it was her turn to ask questions. "What color do you like best?"
"I like reds and browns, I like the color of a sunset."
"Me too!"
"Do you like music?"
"Very much."
"Do you dance?"
"We have dances on the boat all the time. I enjoy it."
"Fancy dances?"
"Some, yes."
"Would I fit in on your boat?" She asked suddenly, her forehead puckering into a frown.
"Fit in?"
"Would people there like me?"
"Of course they would. And I can teach you all the latest dances too."
"Does anyone on your boat work?" She frowned.
"Of course they do. We have a captain that runs the boat, and many laborers. People run the gambling casino, and others play music. There are many jobs on the boat." He answered.
"I see, what kind of job would I have?"
"Job? You wouldn't have a job. You'd be my wife."
"That's all?" She asked perplexed.
"Yes, of course. I told you, I own the boat. Although, I must tell you something now that might change everything."
"What?"
"My mother, is an invalid. I watch over her as best I can. You might have to help me. And she can be…quite controlling. At first, she might appear quite harsh, but you will soon get used to her and figure her out. She doesn't need doing for, but she does need…well…what I'm hoping for is companionship from you."
"Oh…she's in one of those chairs, then?" Beth asked.
"Yes, she is."
"Like Mrs. Baker, I used to stroll her around town and take her shopping every other Saturday. She sure did enjoy it. I could do that. I look after all my brothers and sisters; I could watch after your mother easily."
"You wouldn't mind?"
"No, why would I? Besides, what will I do all day on the boat? I would need her as much as she would need me. We'll be great company for each other."
"Whatever your heart desires." He answered with a charming smile.
"But I'm used to working, every day. I can't sit around on some boat and do nothing." She seemed upset. "I would want to cook your meals for you, and do dishes and whatever else I can do, to help out."
"There is something else…" He hesitated.
"What?" She asked curiously.
"I hesitate to even bring it up. It's quite upsetting. There's talk of war…a big war, like the north against the south…The state of Virginia has seceded from the union and other states are doing the same."
"War? But why? What do you mean they seceded?"
"They have left the north entirely. They are no longer part of our country. And more will follow. There are a lot of reasons. Some say to free the slaves, Lincoln wants to free the slaves. There's trade between the north and south. You see setting the slaves free creates a problem for the south. The south depends on slaves to get the crops picked and to market. Without them the task would be daunting. It's been a problem for years and it's coming to a head now. I'm afraid war is inevitable."
Beth considered what he was saying. "So without the slaves, they can't get the cotton picked? I always wondered why people had slaves. We never had them. Pa says we must do our own work. Of course he raised enough of us that he doesn't need help. I don't believe in having slaves, do you?"
"No, but still I'm a southerner. I would naturally sympathize with the south."
"Of course, that's understandable."
"That's right. A cotton farmer would have to hire help and pay them to pick the crops, and it would cost too much to ship it up north so there would be no profit. It's all kind of complicated. And states rights to decide for themselves too, is important. The north wants to take away a lot of states rights, and that doesn't sit well." He said sadly. "With slaves, the south can get their crops to market and there is no problem. Accept…if there is war, the south will suffer greatly."
"Why?"
"Because we have no factories to make things. We have simply sit back on the plantations an grown our crops thinking that would sustain us, and it won't, if we leave the Union, and Texas will no doubt leave the Union. You see right now, we don't
make all the things we need. We depend on the north for such things. We grow the crops that make things, like food, clothing and many other things we need, but we don't actually make them ourselves. So we are dependent on the North in a lot of ways, the same way they are dependent on our crops. So splitting up, means both sides will suffer in some ways."
"Then perhaps Mr. Lincoln will rethink it." She suggested.
"I doubt that. He's been advocating their freedom since before he was elected President."
"And how does this concern you?" She asked.
"I'm not sure. I own a boat, if the war got bad, they might confiscate my boat and use it to ship supplies. Whether I joined in this war or not, I'd be involved. It's not a good time to marry. It could put you in danger. You'd actually be safer here."
Beth put her hands on her hips once more and stared at him in disbelief. "So you came to tell me, you aren't marrying me? That you are going to war, instead?"
"No…not exactly. I came to tell you what is happening. Things could get dangerous. I don't want to put you in any danger." He told her. "You'd be safe here on the farm, until it was over."
"You asked for my hand in marriage. I accepted, now you are rejecting me?" She asked, her brow going up a notch.
"I'm not rejecting you." He came closer, and bent to kiss her cheek. "On the contrary, but I want you to know what you might be getting into. I want to give you a choice, Beth."
"That's considerate of you." She closed her eyes for a moment. "Whether I marry you or not, things will happen that are beyond our control, Wade. Besides, maybe they will not have this war…"
"I wish I could believe that, but I don't. They've been bickering for years, passing one law after another and nothing has been accomplished. I don't think they both speak the same language."
"Are you enlisting in the army or something?"
"No…but I might get involved in things, and I want you to try to understand." Wade explained.
"Involved how?"
"I'm a southerner by heart. You understand."
"Naturally, so am I."
"If the boat is taken over, by…the north, then I would have to go undercover, as a spy." He explained daring a glance at her.
"A spy?" She shrieked.
"Well naturally, I'd want to help the southern cause."
She nodded. "Then as your wife, I'd help you all I could." The way she said that, as though she didn't have to think it over, had him staring in wonder at her.
He stared into her innocent eyes at her complete loyalty.
"I couldn't ask it of you…Beth." He was adamant.
"I don't know much about being married, but I do know what the good book says, we become as one, and I would stand beside you, help you." She smiled. "No matter what you had to do. I'd trust you."
"You have no idea…."
"I'm young but I learn fast."
"I believe that."
Without hesitation he grabbed her and kissed her hard, and pulled her into his arms. His kiss said everything she needed to know. He wanted her. And Beth had made up her mind that if she married Wade, she would be as one. But talk of war did alarm her. She couldn't imagine such a thing.
She'd heard her father speak of slavery before and how he hated it. But still, he was a southerner too. People seemed pulled, and Beth had never wanted to think about a war.
Still, the one thing she knew is that she would help her husband any way she could.
Chapter Five
"Are you scared?" Martina asked her as Beth hung the wedding dress on the nail on the door. They'd just listened to her Papa telling a tale of his hunting adventures, and then it was time for bed. The younger ones had already brushed their teeth, washed their faces and gotten into bed. After their father's lively tale, they were fast asleep now.
Beth had come into the bedroom first and took the dress her mother had worked so hard on for the past two days and admired it. Through the years her mother had made a point of adding lace, or a pearl or an adornment to the dress every chance she got, wanting it to stay as lovely as possible she had kept it in an old cedar chest, so nothing would harm it. Beth stared at it a long time. Hopes and dreams were sewn on that dress. Hanging on the wall, she was able to see and feel all the intricate work her mother had devoted to it. It was so lovely. She'd never had a dress like that before. It would belong to her sisters some day too.
Beth turned around and smiled. "Not like I first was. At first I was terrified, but now…no, I'm not. Not of him, but of going, yes."
"Why not him?"
"Because he's kissed me…" Beth said in a strange far-away voice.
"Kissed you? You let him?" Martina was aghast.
"Well, I am to marry him. I needed to know if he knew how." She chuckled.
Martina smiled, "And did he?"
"Oh yes, he most certainly did. It was as good as we imagined it would be, too. He's a fine kisser."
"Then you like him?" Martina asked.
"Yes, I do…"
"I'd be scared out of my wits. I mean you'll be leaving…won't you?" Martina asked, her eyes clouding.
"Yes, I'm afraid that is a little scary. Especially since I've never left home. But all brides leave home when they marry. You wouldn't want to live with your parents then, it wouldn't be right." Beth explained.
"Why not?"
Beth looked at her naïve sister. "For one thing, at night, you go to bed with your husband…"
"Oh yeah…that would be embarrassing if Ma and Pa were there, I guess." Martina nodded. "You've thought about this a lot, haven't you?"
"Yes, I have…It's all that's been on my mind since Mama announced it at the table."
"Are you in love?" Martina got that far away look in her eye like they both used to do.
Beth hesitated. "I'm not sure. I thought I'd know right away, how I felt, but I'm not sure. I'm not even sure what being in love is supposed to be about. I suppose it will come to me, sooner or later."
"Does he love you?"
"I don't know…"
"I wouldn't marry a man I didn't love." Martina scrunched up her nose at her sister.
"Martina, " Beth sat on the edge of the bed beside her sister. She took her hand in hers and held it. "You'll be next, I'm afraid. You must prepare for it, you'll be nineteen soon. Mark my words, it is going to happen. We are girls, we are what they call expendable. And when it does, don't think too harshly of the folks. After all, they have taken care of us for so long. And we do have to grow up."
"Next. What do you mean, I'll be next?"
"They can't afford all of us kids. Not now, they can't. That's the truth of the matter. I guess I didn't see it before, but I do now. There's too many of us, and too many with big appetites. If it hadn't been for Wade, no telling what might have happened. I am lucky they didn't try to make a bargain with that tinker. So you must be ready. Unless you have someone in mind, yourself. If you do, you should do something about it, before it's too late."
Martina frowned now and moved away from her. "They wouldn't!"
"Maybe I'm wrong, but I think so. We're girls. We aren't as valuable to Pa as the boys are. We can't do a lot of the heavier work. And we are another mouth to feed."
"You talk like we are some kind of animals to be pawned off. I can't believe they would do it."
"They did it to me!" She glanced at Martina who was really upset now. "And thinking on it, I understand it a little better now that I've had some time. I don't like the fact, but I understand. I guess I was thinking I'd stay here forever. But the truth is we have to grow up, Martina."
Martina's eyes rounded on her. "My God…they did."
"And you are plenty old enough to be married." Beth informed her.
"Don't they love us, any more?" Martina gasped.
"Sure they do. They are just sort of looking at this as a practical thing. One less mouth to feed. And we are of marrying age. I didn't see this before, but, it is time I grew up and lived in an adult world. I guess they see it as '
once your eighteen you are marriage material.' So if you don't pick someone out soon, they probably will."
"Oh my God!" Martina gasped. "Jimmy Joe is the only boy I've ever liked. But marriage? I never even thought about it." Martina shook her head and tears were close to falling. "He's still pretty immature…"
"I think that is the problem. Most boys our age are immature. I think that's why I didn't worry about it too much."
"Oh my gosh…" She looked at Beth once more. "I don't mean to put a damper on the eve of your wedding, but…I'm not ready to get married."
Beth chuckled, "Neither was I. But this week has changed things. I think I can handle it, now."
"Doesn't it make you want to just run away?" Martina cringed as she pulled the blanket on their bed over her barefeet. They'd both just washed up in the washtub until they were squeaky clean.
"You know, at first it did. Now, I don't know. Maybe it will be exciting. He lives on a riverboat, with his mother."
"His mother!" Martina firmed her lips. "What if she don't like you? I've heard mother-in-law's can be the end of a marriage."
Beth glanced at Martina, "I can't allow myself to think that way, Martina. All I can say is, she doesn't have any more choices than I do. She'll have to like me. I'll be married to her son."
"A riverboat, gosh, that is kind of exciting though, isn't it?"
"Never been on one, don't know. But it will be unusual." Beth sighed.
"Are you gonna have babies right away, too?"
Beth's face went scarlet. "We haven't discussed that, but I don't imagine. We won't even have relations right away."
"Why not?" Martina asked innocently.
"He said not until I'm ready."
"And you aren't ready?"
Beth squared her shoulders, "Well…I don't know. I mean, I like him kissing me. That much I know, but the other…that scares me a little. I mean, I never sparked with a man before, or a boy even. To have relations…that's a big step. I guess it will depend on whether I love him or not."
"What if you don't?"
Beth wrapped the blanket around Martina's feet, then wrapped herself with it too. "Then I doubt we'll have relations."
"But you will be married. Won't he insist?"