by Rita Hestand
"Not if he's a gentleman."
"I don't know, maybe you should talk to Mama about that a little more." Martina leaned her elbow on the bed as she stretched out.
Beth stared at her a moment then nodded, "Maybe you are right. I still get butterflies in my stomach thinking about that part of it. I mean, when he kisses me, it does things to me"
"Like what?" Martina quizzed.
"I can't explain it, I feel like I go to mush. I feel, warm and fuzzy and I want him to keep on doing it. But…then again I don't. Mainly, because I don't know what comes next I mean…I guess I do, but how does it feel?"
"I didn't know falling in love was so…complicated!" Martina shook her head.
Beth didn't either, and the more she thought on it, the more she figured Martina was right. She needed to talk to her mother some more.
So as Martina readied herself for bed, Beth went to seek her mother out. Her mother was sewing in the rocking chair and glanced up when she saw that Beth wasn't in bed.
"You should get some sleep; tomorrow is going to be a hectic day." Her mother smiled at her.
Beth hesitated because her father was cleaning his shotgun by the fire. She pushed this picture of the two of them back into the farthest corner of her mind to recall at a later date.
"Can I talk to Mama, alone?" Beth asked him.
"I was wondering when you were going to do that. I'll be heading off to bed now," He leaned the distance to kiss his wife on the forehead as he took his gun with him to the bedroom.
She waited until she heard the bedroom door close before she spoke to her mother.
"Something bothering you dear?" Her mother didn't miss a stitch as she glanced up to look at her worried face.
"Mama, you told me about the birds and the bees, I mean the gist of it. But…I'm still a little nervous about that. Wade said he'd wait until I was ready for that, but…I want to know more."
"Like what dear?"
"How do I know when I'm ready?"
Her mother blushed then smiled slowly, "Well dear, I think your heart will tell you. You'll want to be with him that way. That's when you know you are ready."
"Does it hurt?"
Her mother blushed and put her sewing down, taking her daughters hands in hers as Beth sat down on the floor next to her chair.
"The first time can be a little traumatic if the man doesn't take the time to help you relax. A lot of it depends on him, and every man is different. And I won't lie, there is some pain, but it is so minor if he knows what he's doing. There will be some blood, but don't panic, it's normal. Just clean yourself later and think nothing of it. I think before you come together like that, you have to trust him."
"But I don't really know what to do…"
Again her mother got that far away look in her yes and a knowing smile. "The man knows what to do, darling. You can do one of two things, relax and enjoy it, or be quiet and let him take you anyway. It's a decision you have to make yourself. Once you give yourself to your husband, it will all come natural to you. It's not as complicated as you are making it. It's all about feelings and emotions. If you love him, it can be beautiful dear, if not, some women just tolerate it. It's that first time…that makes you hesitant. But darling, he will be your husband, and a good wife does have relations with her husband. Only with her husband, of course"
"Is it enjoyable, Mama?" Beth asked squeezing her hand for reassurance.
"Some say no, but I'd say yes, it is…if he cares for you."
"How will I know he cares for me?"
"You'll know dear, very quickly." Her mother stared into her worried face. "Don't you fret so about it. It sort of comes natural. And your Wade is old enough to know how to make it enjoyable for you. But land sakes child, get to know the man a little, trust him, and the rest will come."
"I've heard the expression, grin and bear it, Mama. What does that mean?" Beth asked scooting closer to her mother so no one else in the houses could hear them.
"That's how some women feel about it. Some women, by their own choice, don't enjoy it, or even like it, they tolerate it. But it has to do with your inner most feelings, honey and his. For it to be right, you gotta know you love him. And naturally, it is the only way to have children, so most women do submit."
"And how do you know you love him for sure?"
"Honey, aside from telling you what he'll do, I can't make the decision for you. But…when you wed, it is your duty to let him…have you. In the bible it says you 'become as one.' That's what making love is, becoming one, not two. It bonds you, makes you closer. You must cleave to him. When you take a mate, or husband, you must leave your folks and cleave to him. It's in the bible. But once you do have relations with him, you will cleave to him. It all comes natural."
Beth fretted. One! That's what becoming one was? Why wouldn't her mother just come out and say what he was going to do to her. She knew, but it couldn't be like animals. Could it?
"I wish I knew more about this making love." She fretted.
"It's hard to put into words. I don't think you will have such a hard time. But wait until your heart tells you…Honey, your man is old enough to make it pleasurable for you. When the time comes, when it's right, you'll want to be with him in that way."
"How does he do that? How does he know what pleases?"
"Well, you know the feelings when he kisses you?"
"Yes…"
"There are a lot of those feelings and more. Kisses, touches, and soft words are usually what makes it pleasurable. I really don't think you have a thing to worry about. Not from the way he looks at you."
After thinking about her mother's words, the subject still baffled her.
Her mother turned her chin around so she could look her in the face and smiled into her eyes. "Has he kissed you?"
"Yes mother…"
"And did you like it?"
"Very much…" Beth smiled.
"Then don't you fret, if he is gentle with a kiss, he'll be even more gentle when the time comes." Her mother chuckled, kissed her on the cheek and went to bed. "And you'll love him for that gentleness…"
Now that made sense to her, because his kisses were something she wanted more of, she enjoyed them. If making love was better than kissing, then she was in for the time of her life.
Beth went out on the porch. This was the last evening she'd be home. A sadness longer than time itself stole over her. Nothing after tomorrow would ever be the same. Was she ready for such a fate? Granted she was old enough, but could she endure all the things ahead of her? An unknown world was out there. A world she knew so little about. People she'd never met. Troubles she'd never had before.
Digger the dog came up to her and licked her face, and she had to laugh, and then before she realized what she was doing, she was crying. "Oh Digger, I'll miss this place, my folks, so much. Am I ready for this?"
Digger licked her right on the lips.
She laughed.
Joan came out on the porch and sat down beside her. "I'm gonna miss you!" She opened Beth's arms and climbed right up on her lap as they sat on the porch steps. Joan often did this, she so loved Beth.
"Oh honey, me too. But I'll be back, off and on, I'm sure."
"Will you remember me?"
Beth looked at her pointedly. "Of course I will. You're my sister and I love you."
"Why you gotta leave then?" Joan wrapped her arms around her and hung on.
"Well, I guess the best answer to your question is, it's time."
"Time for what? I don't want you to go. Who'll braid my hair?"
"Martina will…"
"Who'll milk the cow, when I'm too tired?"
"I don't know…someone, I'm sure." Beth encouraged.
"Can I come with you?"
"No darling, this is one time you can't."
"Why?"
"I can't explain it, you just can't. One day, when you are all grown up, you'll leave too." Beth told her.
Joan cried for a long while and then
snuggling closer went straight to sleep in Beth's arms.
Beth carried her to bed and climbed into her bed one last time. She shared a bed with Martina. Martina was asleep. Beth glanced around the room at her sisters and thought about her brothers too. Jacob was old enough to understand it, but she was sure he didn't approve of it. The enormity of what she was doing closed in on her.
Tomorrow…nothing would be the same again!
Chapter Six
The church bell could be heard for miles around. Beth's stomach rumbled. As she fingered the soft material of her wedding dress, her hands shook. Did she really know what she was doing? Was she ready for this? A million questions danced in her head at once. But Wade's sweet and tender kisses told Beth to be still.
Talking about this day was one thing, but now that it was here, her nerves were frazzled.
Martina helped her dress, and her mother helped when she finished the morning dishes.
Martina helped her with her hair, putting it up and surrounding it with small baby breath flowers, and the thin veil.
Beth stared at herself in the mirror. Her mouth fell open, because today, she looked like a woman. What a change! She wasn't a child any longer, and today she'd be leaving that childhood behind. It was startling to stare into that mirror and seeing the change that had come over her. How had it happened so quickly? How could she go from play acting one minute to getting married all in a week? And yet the face that stared at her in the mirror was the face of a woman, not a child.
"You look beautiful, my darling." Her mother murmured, as a tear came to her eye. "I'm going to miss you."
"Oh Mama, let's not talk of it now. I don't want to cry."
Her mother nodded and brushed the tears from her eyes.
"The dress fits nicely, Mama." Beth told her as she slipped it over her head and adjusted it. Martina buttoned it for her in the back.
"It's so beautiful," Martina murmured.
"So, ready for your big day?" Her mother asked, as she stared at her in the mirror.
"I-I don't know. Up until now I was, but now that it's really here, I'm shaking like a leaf, Mama." Beth cried.
"It's natural, all girls do when they get married, even the men shake."
"They do?" Beth and Martina looked at each other.
"Of course, you just never hear them talk about it, until years later, when they recall it, with a sense of humor." Her mother laughed. "Well, the wagon is ready, and the church bell is ringing, we better go now."
Beth glanced around the old farmhouse, memories flashed in her mind at all the good times. Times she hadn't known were good times too. Like when Martina flushed a rat out of the barn and beat it to death with a broom. When her Ma got sick and her and Martina stood watch by her bedside day and night until she was better. When their father brought a huge watermelon inside on one of the hottest days in Texas and busted it open for all to enjoy.
So many good times.
Beth sighed heavily, her life would change completely today, and even though she had settled it in her mind, it didn't stop her from worrying. This was her old life and she was headed for a brand new life, and it scared the daylights out of her. It was the unexpected she feared most. The what if's.
What would her new life be like? She'd never lived or even been on a riverboat. She had to wonder about his mother too.
But with a brave resolve, she swallowed hard and determined she would make the best of it. She was entering into the adult world today, and she would face it with dignity and courage.
They rode to the church with the kids chattering.
There was a regular service, and then the wedding would begin. Beth and Martina were in one of the back rooms, waiting for the moment.
The room was used for just this occasion. There was a long mirror, and a dressing table too. Martina was her maid of honor and Joan and Janet would spread the flowers down the aisle.
The window was open and the curtains blew a light breeze through the room.
"No matter where you go, what you do, please don't forget me…" Martina cried.
Beth grabbed her hands and held them steadily. "You don't have to worry about that. And I'll come for visits, I promise."
"Have you seen him, today?" Martina asked her eyes sparkling, as the excitement of the moment stirred the air.
"No…don't you remember, Mama said it's bad luck to see the groom before the wedding. But I wish I had. I guess that will happen soon enough."
"Are you scared out of your mind?" Martina questioned.
Beth glanced around the small room, the sunlight filtered through the room brightening it, and Beth shook her head slowly. "It's funny, but now that I'm here, and about to walk down the aisle I feel…I don't know, kind of excited. Does that make any sense at all?"
"Married! My sister is getting married!" Martina cried aloud and grabbed Beth to hug her. "Oh Beth, I wish you all the luck in the world."
"It's going to be alright, I just know it." Beth told her as she squeezed her tight. "And when your time comes, you stand up straight, and don't be afraid. And don't ever forget me."
"I couldn't forget you, we've shared too many things through the years. I just hope I'm as lucky as you are to get a handsome man," Martina laughed. "Just think, you'll be Mrs. Wade Cahill. Sounds kind of nice, doesn't it?"
Beth giggled her butterflies momentarily fluttering in her stomach.
"Pa's gonna walk you down the aisle. Are you ready?" Martina grasp her by the hands.
Beth took a deep breath, "I think so. This is it! Wish me luck that I don't trip on my dress or something."
"Luck hasn't a thing to do with it." Her Mama came in and took one last look at her. "You are gorgeous. I knew you would be. Remember what I told you…Let your heart lead you."
"Yes Mama," Beth kissed her mother and the door flew open, and her father was standing there waiting for her. "Are you ready, girl?"
Beth looked at her father, decked out in the only suit he owned, his hair slicked, he looked handsome for his age.
"Yes Pa, I'm ready." Beth kissed her mother, and Martina. "Take care of Joan for me…" she told Martina.
"I will…good luck."
Then she heard the wedding march and the congregation hushed as her sister led the march and her father walked down the aisle. Daisies lined the ends of the pews, and ribbons were tied around them. It looked lovely, thanks to her mother and many friends. Beth thought to herself. She wasn't able to focus on the groom yet, but the crowd were all well-wishers.
Her head was buzzing with faces, and smiles.
Then she saw him.
Standing by the preacher, Wade Cahill was smiling as she approached. He looked so happy and handsome, in his dark blue suit, and starched shirt and tie. Her father kissed her on the cheek and let her go.
Her eyes fastened on Wade's. She joined hands with Wade as the preacher said the beautiful words over them that would join them for a lifetime.
Beth's knees were shaking, but looking at her handsome husband seconds later, she was startled that she had mumbled the "I do" without even thinking about it.
They repeated the vows, and then he slipped a beautiful ring on her finger.
Yet, when the preacher pronounced them man and wife, Wade took her in his arms and kissed her oh so sweetly on the lips, and everything else faded, something flowed between them, she could feel it.
Broke apart only by the well-wishers, Beth felt that same buzzing in her ears. The confusion of everyone gathering about them, wishing them well, even though most didn't know Wade, they were eagerness to meet him and congratulate them.
But Wade took her by the hand and escorted her out of the church while everyone threw rice at them and waved them off in the fancy buggy that was surrounded in flowers and cans tied to the rear of it.
The reception was being held at her folk's place, outside, and by the time she changed clothes, the party was underway. Wade had managed to gift her with a beautiful going away dress and hat. She pulled
it from the box, marked, "To my bride" and gawked at it for several long minutes. It was lavender with dark purple buttons and the hat was purple with veil like material over it. Beth nearly cried that he would be so thoughtful.
Her father strolled up to Wade and eyed him a minute. "I'm counting on you to take good care of my daughter. Just because you got her in this deal, don't mean I release you from your responsibilities son. She'll make you a fine wife, of that I'm sure. But…never forget we love her."
"I won't forget." Wade assured him.
"Good, now where will you be taking her?" Her Pa asked.
"To my boat, "The Lady Belle. We'll board her just the other side of Marksville, Louisiana." We'll be living and traveling on the boat most of the time, except when we stop off at a port. But I'll bring her home off and on, for visits. My mother will be living with us too." Wade told him.
"Your mother, huh?" Her Pa eyed Wade.
"Yes, she's an invalid." Wade explained.
"Oh, I didn't know. Beth never mentioned it. Will Beth be taking care of her?"
"My mother is quite capable of taking care of herself, mostly, but I'm hoping they will get along." Wade explained. "She'll be good company for her."
Mr. Sawyer eyed him now. "You didn't marry my daughter to have a companion for your mother, did ya?"
Wade's gaze narrowed. "On the contrary." His eyes swept the porch where Beth stood in the dress he'd given her and he smiled like a silly school boy as he admired her. "I married your daughter for selfish reasons of my own, she's beautiful, look at her. I knew that dress would look lovely on her, but I never imagined that." He gestured toward the porch. "She's quite a woman, a little naïve but I'm falling in love with her as we speak."
Her father glanced and his mouth hung open. He couldn't get his breath for a minute.
"Well…she is something, alright. Uh-huh, well, then treat her right." Mr. Sawyer said and walked off to help his wife carry a dish out to the table.
When the music started up, Wade pulled his wife from a crowd of women and they danced. Everyone let them lead the dance and joined in later.
Beth stared into the eyes of her new husband, and most of the fear and anxieties began to fade.