Something Other than Fear

by Taylor, Kerry

  It was the day of my birthday when everything changed. I was awoken that morning by Phil forcing himself on me as I slept. I woke up as he started to penetrate me violently. He was behind me one hand wrapped around the front of my neck, squeezing, and the other pulling my hair so hard it made tears come to my eyes. I scrunched my eyes up tight and waited for it to be over, which, thankfully, as always, it was quickly.

  “Happy birthday Angel.” He whispered into my ear when he was finished, then he got up and went into the bathroom. I took a second to stop the tears that flowed and to take some deep breaths of much needed oxygen, and then got up, put on clean pyjamas and set to with my daily routine, the whole time trying to ignore the pain I was in.

  I made the bed and then hurried down to the kitchen to make Phil breakfast while he got ready for work. When he sat at the kitchen table his usual breakfast of tea, porridge and two slices of toast, made to his exact specification sat before him. As he flicked through that day’s newspaper and ate, I set to scrubbing the already immaculate kitchen top to bottom. I had to look busy while Phil was there, or he accused me of being a lazy slob and usually ended up hitting me.

  “Angel, come and sit down.” Phil barked ten minutes into his breakfast. I instantly started to tremble as I ran through my mind over and over what could possibly be wrong with his breakfast. I walked over to the table as quickly as my terrified body would take me and sat on the chair Phil had pulled out beside him. I glanced up at his face and saw a smile there, but there was something behind that smile, something which made my heart pound with fear.

  “I have to give you your present Angel.” He said as he held out a wrapped box which fit in his palm.

  “Th-thank you.” I whispered as I took it shakily. I opened it tentatively, terrified of what that look on his face meant. I knew one way or another I was in trouble that morning. I opened the box and found a gold necklace with a tiny gold angel pendant hung on it. It was a horrible reminder of the name that sent fear shooting through me every time I heard it.

  “It’s lovely Phil, thank you so much.” I said as happily as I could force. Phil studied me as I put it back in the box and started to close it again.

  “Is that all you have to say?” He said as he put down his cup and stared at me. “You’re not even going to put it on are you? You ungrateful little bitch!” Oh God, here we go, I thought as everything within me tensed.

  “I’m sorry. O-of course I’m putting it on, I love it!” I tried to protest, hurrying to open the box again.

  “You’re a lying little whore Lucy!” Phil screamed as he tore the box from my hand and threw it as hard as he could at my face. I reeled back in shock and when I straightened up again he was waiting with the first punch to the left side of my face. I was knocked from my feet and fell onto my side on the floor. Then he was kicking me in my stomach.

  “NO! PLEASE PHIL, I’M SORRY!” I screamed, terrified and already in agony. I fought to get to my feet and started to run, but Phil caught me in seconds.

  “I bet you’re sorry now, stupid bitch!” Phil spat as he grabbed my arm and shoved me hard to the floor. He bent down to pick me up by my throat. I hurried to move my feet to support my weight as he pulled me up, cutting off my air supply. I was choking and crying as he wrapped both hands around my throat and strangled me, the evil intent clear in his cold eyes.

  “GET YOUR HANDS OFF HER NOW!” I heard Matt’s voice boom louder than ever before. Things were already fuzzy, and I knew I was close to passing out, as I fought to breathe through Phil’s grasp. At first I thought I was imagining Matt as I had several times before, but before Phil could even turn to look, Matt was behind him, ripping him off of me and throwing him across the room into the kitchen table. Phil landed awkwardly on the top of the table, the breakfast dishes pushed off behind him and landing on the floor with a crash. Then Matt was there again, looming over Phil, punching him over and over. I saw the pure rage in his face and the fear in Phil’s and I knew I had to stop him before he killed Phil and ended up in prison.

  “Matt!” I called as loud as I could, which wasn’t very. My throat was agony and I was still fighting to catch my breath. Matt stopped and looked at me, his anger quickly turning to concern. “Please stop!” I whimpered. At that point, my legs which had been holding me up very weakly, gave way and I crumpled to the floor desperately gasping for air.

  “This isn’t over, you piece of Shit!” Matt raged as he straightened up and walked away from Phil. He was knelt down beside me then, his anger hidden by a comforting smile.

  “It’s ok Darling. I’m here now. You’re ok.” He soothed as he gently brushed my forehead. He slid his hands beneath my battered, exhausted body and lifted me up into his secure arms.

  “Put her down!” Phil shouted as he watched from where he still sat on the table, his eyes both swelling rapidly and his nose pouring with blood.

  “You make me sick you fucking coward!” Matt spat. “You stay the fuck away from my sister, or I swear to God, I’ll kill you!” Matt turned and started to leave the room.

  “You’ll be sorry if you leave this house Lucy, do you hear me? You’ll be fucking sorry!” Phil screamed. I buried my head into Matt’s chest and just cried as he carried me out of the house and put me into the passenger seat of his hire car.

  “He won’t hurt you again Lucy, I promise.” Matt said as he pulled the seatbelt over me and kissed my forehead gently.

  Matt walked around to the driver’s side. I was still crying, trembling and panting for breath. I was in turmoil inside. I knew I should just go back into the house and face the music, because if I went with Matt, it would be a lot worse when I eventually went back, but I didn’t want to. I wanted to just feel safe and protected with Matt for a while. I didn’t want to be hurt anymore.

  Matt got into the car and studied me for a moment. I knew he was trying to assess the damage, as a doctor, what else would he do?

  “I think we have to get you to the hospital Darling.” He said eventually.

  “No. I’m ok…..it’s not that bad. Please, just take me to your hotel so I can lie down.” I gasped. He looked at me with worry. “Please Matt?”

  “Ok, for now we’ll go to the hotel, but I might have to take you to the hospital once I’ve checked you over.” He compromised.

  “You won’t Matt. I’ve dealt with worse than this without the hospital.” I said, instantly regretting it when Matt looked angry again. He didn’t say anything, just started the car and drove towards the city.

  “What were you doing at the house?” I asked. It had been two years since Matt had come to the house on one of his visits home. He seemed to want to stay away from Phil and I always met him in town, at his hotel or restaurants instead.

  “I woke this morning wanting to wish my sister a happy birthday and pissed that I had to wait until this afternoon to do it, so I thought fuck it! I’m going round there. When I got to the door I heard you screaming, and I had to get to you. I climbed through the open bathroom window.” I thought about the little window he must have meant in the tiny downstairs toilet and wondered how the hell he had fit through it.

  “Happy birthday to me then, huh?” I said dryly. Matt looked to me with so much worry. I felt terrible for putting him through it. I decided it was better to just keep my mouth shut and avoid worrying him anymore. I lay my head back and closed my eyes, just trying desperately to calm myself and stop the terrible trembling and the pounding in my head that the lack of oxygen had caused.

  When we pulled up to the hotel Matt was staying at I was still a mess. Matt wrapped his huge coat around me, since I only wore pyjamas, and carried me inside. I hid my face as we passed through the lobby and got into the lift, not wanting to see the horrified looks of anyone who saw me.

  Matt unlocked the door to his room and then carried me in. As always with Matt, the place was immaculately tidy. He laid me down in the centre of a large bed and I curled into a foetal position as my tears started again. I felt the be
d move beneath me and then Matt was laid opposite me, holding me tightly. I cried into his shirt and finally let out several years of pain. He said nothing for a long time, just held me and made me feel secure.

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered when the tears eventually died down. “I’m sorry I’ve lied to you.”

  “I’m not going to pretend I’m not angry you didn’t come to me Lucy,” Matt said firmly. “You should have told me the first time he laid a finger on you.”

  “I know Matt. I wanted to…..I just couldn’t. I thought I loved him……thought he would stop.” I lifted my head and looked into his eyes. I could see how angry and upset he was, and I felt terrible.

  “People like him never change Darling.”

  “Are you disappointed in me?” I asked nervously.

  “Never Lucy. I could never be disappointed in you. I can’t believe the strength it must have taken for you to survive through this as you have alone.”

  “It wasn’t always this bad. I……..I think it’s getting worse…….he’s getting worse.”

  “Not anymore. It’s over now. I won’t let him lay another finger on you.” Matt promised. I didn’t reply, because deep down I knew it wasn’t over. I wouldn’t allow Matt to give up his life for me. I had to go back to Phil, he was all I had when Matt left, as much as I hated and feared him, I also felt unable to leave him and the security of the life I had become used to living. I buried my head into Matt’s chest again and decided to make the most of the time I had there with him, because I knew very soon I would have to go back to Phil and Matt would be furious with me.

  “I need to look at these injuries Lucy, check there’s no broken bones or bleeding, ok?” Matt asked as he held me again.

  “It’s just my throat Matt……and my stomach,” I whispered.

  “Your stomach?” He asked as he pulled away and sat up beside me.

  “He…….he kicked me…….in my stomach. It’ll just be badly bruised.” I didn’t miss the flash of anger in Matt’s face as I said that.

  “Let me take a look.” Matt said as he helped me ease onto my back. I lay flat and Matt lifted my t-shirt a little. He pressed some tender areas and assessed my reaction, then he looked around my sides and turned me to look at my back. I knew he was looking at all of the bruises and scars from previous attacks and I wanted to stop him, but I didn’t. Finally he turned me back onto my back and pulled my t-shirt back down.

  “No signs of internal bleeding.” He said as he got up from the bed and walked over to the window. I heard him take in a huge breath and when he turned back to me, he was trying to hold in tears.

  “Matt, please don’t. I’m ok…….really I am.” I lied as I forced myself to sit up.

  “He’s been beating the shit out of you regularly for years Lucy and I’ve just sat back and allowed it to happen! You have scars on top of scars!” He raged. “You’re not ok, you’re lucky to be alive!”

  “Matt, you didn’t know. I didn’t want you to know!”

  “Why the hell not? Why would you just let this happen? You must have known I would be here, right away. I’d have helped you Darling. You didn’t have to suffer as you have! I could have gotten you out of there in a matter of hours and it all would have stopped.”

  “I was supposed to be standing on my own two feet Matt! I messed up when I married Phil and I knew it, but I didn’t want to admit it. I was ashamed and embarrassed. You said it yourself, I allowed him to hurt me again and again and I was so scared you’d be disappointed in me. You’re all I have Matt; I can’t lose you!” I cried desperately.

  “Lucy, you will never, ever lose me Darling. I will always be here for you, no matter what. You could never disappoint me either.” He said softly as he made his way back over to me and perched on the bed again.

  “It’s not just that. I love him Matt, even after all of this. I need to do better and I’m trying. He says he’s trying to control the anger too. It will get better.”

  “Oh please! You don’t believe that do you?” Matt snapped.

  “I don’t know, Maybe. I mean…….I did. I believed if I tried with him then he’d change. Now I’m not so sure, but it doesn’t change the fact I love him.”

  “He won’t change Lucy. That I can tell you for sure.” Matt said more calmly.

  I couldn’t think anymore. My head was pounding, and I was in a lot of pain. Matt took a deep breath, sat beside me and held my hand tightly.

  “I know you have feelings for him darling and I understand you can’t just switch them off, but you cannot go back to him. He will never stop hurting you and you can’t go on like this. You have to get away from him. I know you’re probably not in the best frame of mind to make decisions now, but you need to think seriously about what to do next.” I knew what the next question would be. Would I consider going to Chicago or have Matt come back to the UK? I knew I wanted neither. I wanted my brother to go back to the great life he had in the US and not be worrying about me and getting mixed up in my fucked-up mess. Maybe I would leave Phil eventually, but when I was ready, which I wasn’t yet. When I was sure there really was no hope of things getting better. Not wanting to argue with Matt at that moment, I stalled him.

  “I’m too tired to think straight right now Matt. I just want to have a shower and a lie down. Can we talk about it later?”

  “Of course. Just start thinking about it though, because if you do decide to come to Chicago with me I’ll need to book a flight for you, and I’ll have to do it soon.”

  “I will.” I agreed as I started to get up. Matt helped me stand and led me through to the bathroom. I sat on the closed toilet, still trembling violently, as Matt set the shower running for me.

  “Are you going to be alright Darling?” He asked.

  “I’ll manage.”

  “Ok. I’m only out there, so just shout if you need me.”

  That day I showered, put on one of Matt’s huge t-shirts and spent the day in bed, sleeping better than I had in several years. Matt stayed with me the entire time and was there with a reassuring smile each time I opened my eyes. I started to imagine what it would be like if I just gave in and agreed to go back to Chicago with him. I imagined a great, happy life with my brother there to love and protect me. Maybe I’d have a job and a couple of friends. I already had Jack. Through our regular phone calls he had become the closest thing to a friend I had and the thought of him being nearby made me smile. If I went with Matt, I would have Jack and Matt in my life. I wouldn’t be alone, I could be happy, but I was terrified. At least with Phil I had routine. I knew what each day held, even if it was awful. There was no uncertainty and after two years of being used as punching bag I needed the comfort of living with the known. My lack of self-confidence and fear of pretty much everything made the prospect of leaving Phil and starting over, far more terrifying than staying with him.

  When I woke up that evening I felt stronger. I changed into a pair of Matt’s shorts and a huge hoodie. I looked ridiculous, but I was comfortable. Matt had ordered room service and had it laid out on the table when I came out of the bathroom.

  “You look a lot better Darling.” He said as he led me into a seat, then sat opposite me.

  “I feel better. It’s been a while since I slept like that.” I explained as I opened a bottle of water and took a sip.

  “Did you get a chance to think about what you want to do?” Matt asked, the tension clear on his face as he awaited my answer.

  “I did Matt, but you’re not going to like it.” I admitted as I looked down to my feet.

  “Lucy, if you don’t want to come to Chicago with me, then that’s fine. I’ll happily come back here to be with you. We can get a new place together.” Matt said kindly.

  “No Matt, that’s not what I want.”

  “Then you’re coming out there with me?” He said happily with a huge smile. I hated to let him down as I was about to.

  “No” I whispered guiltily. I saw Matt staring at me from the corner of my eye, too
afraid to make direct eye contact with him.

  “Oh no Lucy. No way! You are not going back!” He snapped as the truth dawned on him.

  “I have to Matt!” I cried as tears ran down my face.

  “No, you don’t! I already told you I want you to be with me. I want to take care of you! If you’re worried about leaving him, then don’t. I can and will protect you from him!” Matt was on his feet now, pacing back and forth angrily.

  “I know that, and I want to be with you too, but Phil is my husband! I got into this mess Matt and I’m not just going to run away. I want to see it through. I love him, deep down I do, and I have to give him a chance.” Even as I said those words I wasn’t sure if they were actually true or if I had just been brainwashed to think them, but the point was I did think I loved him and it was something I couldn’t bring myself to just walk away from. Did I love Phil, or did I just like the security of knowing what my life was with him? Had I just been conditioned to believe I loved him and needed him? Maybe and the fact that the thoughts occurred to me showed how things were shifting, but either way, I wasn’t ready to leave him and even if it hurt Matt, I wouldn’t do it.

  “Oh please! Do you know how many times I hear that at the hospital Lucy? Women who won’t press charges because they love the psycho who beat them half to death! I’m sick of hearing the words, ‘he’ll change’ or ‘he isn’t like this all the time’! You don’t love him, and he will certainly never change! He’s just got into your head. You just need to get away from him, make a clean break and you’ll soon realise how stupid all of this is!”

  “Stupid? That’s what my entire life is to you, isn’t it Matt? I’m stupid to you, aren’t I? This is why I didn’t want to tell you! I knew you’d think me an idiot!” I almost screamed.

  “Well I do now! If you go back to playing that psycho’s punch bag you are an idiot!” Matt raged. “He’ll kill you; you know that don’t you? One day he’ll go too far, and you’ll never get up again!”