Something Other than Fear

by Taylor, Kerry

  “Lucy, look at me.” My voice was soft, and I stayed a step away. She finally brought her eyes up to mine and I smiled to reassure her. “Your decisions are yours and yours alone now sweet. You’re free from anyone telling you what to do. If you want to buy one of every damned cake in this store, you go ahead and do it. I’m not going to stop you or tell you what you can and can’t do. No one is. You are free to do as you damn well please and you don’t have to apologise to anyone for that. Not anymore, not ever again.” I reached over and tentatively wiped the stray tear that ran down her cheek.

  “You’re right. I think it might just take some time to sink in though.” She said with a gentle smile.

  “Small steps honey, starting with dessert. Have another look and order whatever you want. We can keep it in the refrigerator in the staff room at the hospital for you. No holding back, ok?” She smiled and turned back to the counter excitedly.

  “Excuse me?” She called to the assistant after several minutes of studying each and every item in the display.

  “Yes sugar?”

  “Can I get three slices of the chocolate fudge cake, two brownies, a vanilla cheesecake…...oh and one of those fruit tarts.” Lucy pointed excitedly to each item she chose, and I couldn’t hold in my grin at seeing her so animated.

  “Sure thing sugar.” The assistant set to filling pastry boxes with the treats and Lucy looked round to me nervously.

  “I’m so sorry. I forgot to ask if you like those things. Should I get something else that you like…..oh and Matt, will he like any of those? He likes chocolate right? He always used to anyway.” She was rambling and slipping into panic again, so I stopped her with a hand on her shoulder.

  “Sweet, Matt and I will eat absolutely anything, especially from here, but this was for you. I want you to just concentrate on getting what you want, and don’t worry about anyone else, ok?”

  “Ok, but you and Matt will help me eat all of that, won’t you, because now it all being boxed up I realise I may have gone a little wild.”

  “Don’t you worry honey. I can guarantee there will not be a scrap left if you let me, Matt and Rob loose on it.” I laughed as the shop assistant placed several boxes in front of us.

  “Anything else folks?” She asked. I looked to Lucy, showing her it really was all up to her. She was unsure for a second, then she laughed.

  “Oh, Jesus no! I think that’s enough for now thank you.” She replied. I paid and we grabbed the boxes between us and headed out and back to my car.

  All in all, the afternoon had been a great success. Lucy seemed like a new person, happy and more confident and so damned funny. I thought I knew her well from the phone calls we had shared and I loved her so damned much as a result of all the connections we had made during those calls, but that afternoon with her had shown so many other sides I didn’t even realise she had. I saw amazing strength and power within her that she probably didn’t realise she had. I was so damned proud of her and I loved her as I would my own flesh and blood. No way would I ever let anything happen to her ever again. I would lay down my life to protect her, just as I knew Matt and Rob would too.

  LUCY

  That afternoon with Jack gave me so much strength and confidence to keep pushing forward. I had been given a taste of what my life could actually be like there with him and Matt and it made me want more. It made me want to pull myself from the darkness and despair to move forward and make things better for myself. I pushed on, trying harder with my eating, though it was still a real challenge. The cakes turned out to be a big help, as they ignited my love for sweet things, a love I had been denied when I was with Phil. He had banned me from eating any sort of sugar because he wanted me to be slimmer and he imposed a harsh diet on me for years before I started starving myself anyway. My sweet tooth was fed by the guys who constantly brought me sweets, cakes and chocolate to try and fatten me up a little. I never turned them down and over the next week I gained two pounds which pleased Mat and Jack no end.

  I didn’t see as much of Rob as I’d have liked to that week. He called in a couple of times to sit with me, each time bringing me treats, but he seemed rushed off his feet with work most of the time. When he was there I would fight to stay awake and chat with him. I found him easy to talk with. He was a good listener and he had a calm about him that would instantly make me feel better about the many concerns I had at that time. I felt a strong bond with him, which I didn’t understand, but very much enjoyed. I got to the point where every time someone walked into my room, I’d look up excitedly, hoping it would be him. When it was and I saw that huge, wonderful smile of his, my heart would pound, and I felt inexplicably happy. I couldn’t understand the feelings, but I embraced them happily.

  ***

  Finally after almost two weeks at Chicago General, I was released. I had gained a few pounds and my blood pressure and heart rate were more stable. I was moving around a lot more easily and I didn’t look as scary as I had just a week before. I was still weak, sore and tired very easily, but Matt assured me it would continue to improve.

  “Lucy?” I was in the bathroom trying to make my crazy hair look presentable, but it wasn’t easy without a hairbrush. Matt had been to collect my clothes from his apartment, and I guessed that was him returned with them.

  “Just a sec Matt.” I called back. I tied my hair up in a quick ponytail with an elastic band I had gotten from a nurse that morning and then studied myself. I still looked really rough, but I could almost begin to recognise myself and it was a start. I opened the door back into my room and found Matt stood by the bed with a beautiful brown leather holdall in his hand.

  “I didn’t know what to get Lucy. I hope these are ok?” He asked as he handed me the bag.

  “It’s not like there was much choice. I hardly brought anything with me.” I said with a smile. “That’s a nice bag.” I added as I took it from his hand and put it on the bed, thankful that he hadn’t brought my crappy clothes in the crappy rucksack I had travelled with. It was bad enough I had to wear the cheap, shabby clothes I had been allowed by Phil. I would have to go shopping as soon as possible.

  I opened Matt’s lovely bag up and was shocked to see not the shabby, disgusting clothes I had brought with me, but beautiful, brand new clothes all with labels still on. I looked to Matt with confusion and he smiled.

  “I went shopping last week.” He explained. “I didn’t pick them, the saleswoman did. If you don’t like them we can go back and get other stuff. I just thought it would get you started.” I looked through the bag. There was a beautiful pair of DKNY skinny jeans, a wonderfully soft navy hooded sweatshirt, a couple of designer t-shirts and expensive fancy underwear. At the bottom there was a pair of converse pumps and a cosmetic bag filled with face creams, toner, hair ties, makeup and a hairbrush. “Oh and the bag’s yours too, obviously” Matt added. They were like the beautiful clothes I had owned growing up, having always been spoiled with the best things by my family. When I married Phil he had slowly gotten rid of all of my beautiful designer things and replaced them with cheap, frumpy clothes that he chose. To have such beautiful things again was overwhelming.

  I put everything down on the bed carefully, and hurried over to wrap my arms tightly around Matt. There were tears in my eyes I was so overwhelmed with emotion.

  “It’s all so beautiful. Thank you!” I gushed emotionally. “It’s been a really long time since I had things that nice.”

  “Well you’ll always have them from now on Darling. You deserve them and so much more.”

  “Thank you!” I squeaked again.

  “Go on now. Go and get some real clothes on and we can get you the hell out of here. I want to show you what else I have for you.” I looked up at him and found a cheeky grin.

  “What do you mean?”

  “You’ll see Darling. Go on, get changed now.”

  I picked up the bag and went back through to the bathroom. I pulled out the cosmetic bag and brushed my hair properly with the tan
gle teaser I had found in there. I tied my hair back neatly with a real hair tie, and then put on a little concealer to hide the last of the bruising. The cut on my head had all but healed and with a little makeup I almost began to look normal. I put on a thin layer of the peach lipstick I found to cover my pale lips and hurriedly put on a bit of mascara too. It felt good to do something as normal as apply some makeup, but it felt even better to look in the mirror and not be terrified by what looked back.

  I pulled on the lovely new clothes, all of which seemed to fit really well. Bending down to put on the pumps was more of a struggle with what remained of my injuries around my abdomen, but I managed and then turned to study myself in the full-length mirror. I was still thin and gaunt, there was no escaping that, but with a little makeup and some pretty expensive new clothes I looked much better. I smiled; I couldn’t help it. I looked normal, like a normal woman my age and that was all I wanted at that point. I was happy.

  After very carefully packing away all of the beautiful cosmetics back into the lovely floral bag and putting that back into the holdall, I made my way back out to my room where I found Matt and Jack chatting at the doorway. Jack turned to look at me first and smiled when he saw me.

  “Jees!” He cried making Matt look up too. “Who the hell are you gorgeous and what did you do with Lucy?” I couldn’t help but giggle a little. He was right, I looked like a new person.

  “These clothes are lovely Matt; you didn’t need to spend so much though.” I said trying to shrug off the blush Jack’s comment had brought on.

  “You look great Darling. It was worth every penny.” Matt said with a smile.

  “He’s right honey. You look freaking beautiful!” Jack agreed.

  “Thank you” I whispered shyly, really not used to compliments.

  “Are we ready to get going now then?” Matt asked.

  “Yes please!” I squealed excitedly.

  “Have you got all the meds Matt?” Jack asked more seriously.

  “Yep. I’ve checked and double checked.”

  “Do I need to pay a bill or something? It’s not free here is it? I have to pay for being here?” I asked. I knew it was going to be costly, but I had my inheritance to cover it.

  “It’s all sorted Darling.” Matt replied.

  “How?”

  “Matt covered it honey. Don’t worry about it.”

  “How much was it Matt? I want to pay you back. I have the money. I……” Matt cut me off.

  “Lucy, it’s sorted. I don’t want paying back and I don’t want you worrying anymore about it. I’m not exactly short of a bob or two.”

  “But it must have cost thousands.” I protested.

  “Lucy, just leave it now Darling. Money is not an issue for me, and you know it so stop stressing yourself out and let me see that beautiful smile again please?”

  I had to give in. Matt was resolute on the subject and I knew it, so instead I smiled at him and thanked him once again.

  The drive to Matt’s apartment building was short. He seemed to live on the outskirts of the city, although the city was so huge I really had no idea where it started and finished. The area that Matt lived ran along the edge of Lake Michigan and seemed an eccentric mix of old stately homes and modern, high rise buildings. It was just so modern and hectic after the sleepy Yorkshire town I had come from in the UK. There were shops and restaurants all around and people milled around, looking so happy and relaxed despite the snowy weather. Just watching everything whizz by as we drove through it filled me with the excitement of possibility. Rob was right, a person could make a new life for themself there. It seemed so filled with opportunity. I could try to be whatever I wanted to be, I just needed to decide what that was. At that moment, the best I could come up with was free and happy. It was start at least.

  ***

  Matt unlocked the door to his apartment and flicked on the lights. I was shocked by the sheer size of it as I slowly made my way in. The place was huge and all open plan. You entered into a vast lounge which was dominated by a huge black leather corner sofa and some heavy oak furniture. There was a large television mounted on one wall and a few family pictures hung around the others.

  “So this is the lounge. I know it’s a bit sparse, so feel free to make it more homely if you want to.” Matt offered as we walked through. He was right, it was sparse, a little clinical even, but it looked comfortable and was, as always with Matt, immaculate. He was a little obsessive about cleaning and neatness. The most stunning part was the floor to ceiling windows which made up the far wall. They looked out over Lake Michigan and it truly was a stunning view. There was even a small balcony which looked out the same way. It would be a wonderful place to sit with a glass of wine in the summer and I couldn’t wait.

  “And the kitchen’s over here. I was told when I bought the place it’s state of the art, but you know me. I’ve only used it to make coffee and toast so I’ve really no idea.” He joked. He was and always had been, the world’s worst cook! I laughed as I walked around a long breakfast bar and into a beautiful high gloss white kitchen. The countertops were solid black marble and shone as I walked around. He was right, it was state of the art with a huge oven and a six-ring hob. I opened the huge American style fridge and found only beer, bottled water, one egg and a microwave lasagne.

  “Matthew Simmons! What do you live on?” I cried.

  “I eat at the hospital most of the time and if not I just go round and steal from Jack.” I closed the fridge and looked up at him.

  “That’s terrible Matt. You need to be eating better than that with the mental hours you work! Mum would skin you alive if she saw this!” I reprimanded. “We’ll go shopping later. It seems I’m not the only one who needs feeding up!”

  “You can do all of the cooking you like Darling. No complaints from me, but I think you’ll probably end up feeding the guys most days too if you do. Not one of us can actually cook.”

  “Well if their eating habits are as bad as yours I’ll be glad to.” I couldn’t help but smile. I liked the idea of cooking for them all and having them here on an evening some days. It was almost like a family, albeit an odd one.

  Matt briefly showed me where his room and the main bathroom were. The bathroom has a jacuzzi bath in it and I made a mental note to try it out as soon as possible. He also had a small office and a home gym with a treadmill, cross trainer, rowing machine, a load of weights and a massive punch bag.

  “You can use this whenever you like Darling, but not for a couple of weeks yet. You’re not strong enough for this kind of exercise yet, ok?” I nodded my agreement. Like I would ever be using the gym, I thought to myself with a smile.

  “So that just leaves your room now.” Matt said as he opened the door next to his own bedroom. He stepped inside and I followed him in and looked around eagerly, I couldn’t believe what I saw. The entire apartment had been Matt all over- open, clean, sparse and a little clinical, but this room he had clearly decorated for me! It was painted a soft blush colour and beautiful floral paintings hung on two of the walls. There was a huge white dressing table with matching chest of drawers and bedside cabinets, all which looked very French chic. The bed was huge, at least a king size and it was covered with incredible pink floral bedding and mounds of fancy cushions. On the chest of drawers there were about ten photo frames all filled with the photos I had brought with me that awful day, photos of my parents, me and Matt. Tears were running down my cheeks as I took it all in. It was so feminine and so completely me, or at least who I once had been.

  “Is it too pink?” Matt asked nervously. I spun around and met his gaze. I hurried towards him and wrapped my exhausted arms tightly about him.

  “It’s perfect Matt. Thank you so much. I love it!” I cried through my tears. “How have you done this? You’ve been with me most of the time?”

  “The guys helped out. It didn’t take long really.” Matt explained and then I was even more emotional. They had all done it, for me. I was overwhelmed
that such kindness really existed.

  “Come on, let’s see the bathroom.” Matt led me through to an ensuite bathroom with a large double shower cubicle and separate, free standing, roll top bath. It was huge! “I have an ensuite too so no fighting for the bathroom like we used to.” Matt joked, again making me smile.

  “This whole place is amazing Matt…...so amazing. I love it, all of it.” I gasped, completely overwhelmed.

  “Well it’s home now Darling so do whatever you need to do to be comfortable here. If you need or want anything you only have to let me know and we will sort it. I want you to be happy and to feel safe here Lucy.” Matt said so kindly.

  “I will. I know I will.” I agreed. I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt so truly happy. I could move forward there; I was sure I could.

  “Come on, there’s more to see yet.” Matt declared as he led me back through to my new room.

  “There can’t be Matt!” I cried excitedly. What more could he possibly show me? He walked over the left corner beside my bed, and I noticed an opening I hadn’t seen before. I followed him and walked through to an amazing dressing room!

  “Oh my god!” I cried excitedly. “This is huge!” I had never seen anything like it, but that wasn’t the real shock. As I walked in I realised the rails were filled with brand new clothes. I studied the labels hanging down from each item and saw designer names I recognised and prices that made my eyes water.

  “It’s just the basics for now. We can go out when you’re feeling up to it and get more. I just wanted you to have what you would need to get started.”

  “You….you bought all of this…...for me?” I was astounded. He must have spent thousands!

  “Yes Darling. You needed it. You wouldn’t have got far with what you arrived with.” Matt said with a smile.

  “It must cave cost a fortune Matt. All of this and the room…..and the hospital. I must have cost you thousands of pounds!”