Who I Am (FireNine)

by Williams, S. Q.

  My mind was racing, my ears filled with my own piping hot blood. How did I get so wound up? Why did I take my anger out on him? I never would’ve let those men get to me. Words meant nothing to me. Insults were nothing. I didn’t care as long as no one touched us, but… I literally fucked this man up. And why?

  Corey…

  Shit, Corey! All my anger was tunneling back to him. The way he choked me, shoved me, and literally made it seem like he could spit on me and walk away pissed me off. He made me feel worthless. Like a fucking idiot—a piece of stale shit. I never, in my entire life, let anyone punk or fool me like Corey did, and I hated how he could get away with it. I needed that money. I needed it all! I just hated that I had to make my living through him.

  “Shit… Ma… I’m—I’m sorry. Please…” I didn’t know what to say. I heard shuffling and looked back to see the men helping their beat down leader back to the stoop. I caused damage, yeah, but I don’t think I caused enough to the point where he was going to die. That was good, I guess. He was a big man, but he was banged up. Bad. He was going to need stitches… and a lot of them.

  “S’okay,” Mom cooed. “Just come on. Come with me, baby.”

  Nodding speechlessly, I walked away with Mom, but I couldn’t stop myself from looking back at the man I’d just pummeled. The man I imagined as Corey. The man I took my aggressions out on. I committed a crime, but I knew those men on that stoop weren’t going to file a report because they were all criminals to some degree. They all had records, and the cops in Virginia didn’t give one fuck about them.

  And then, after boarding the bus with Mom’s arm wrapped around me, I realized I got lucky.

  Extremely lucky.

  Mom decided to stick around at the hospital with a confession group she said would be good for her soul, so while she was there, I met up with Rose at Steele’s bar. As soon as I walked in and spotted her, all of my worries faded. All the anger, guilt, and shame I felt earlier evaporated. The lights were dim, but she was sitting at a booth in the corner, and one of the rare lights of the dark bar was above her. She looked angelic. Flawless. She wore her hair up in loose curls, a pink ribbon wrapped around them. She wore a silky pink dress to match, and if I didn’t know who she was, I would’ve laughed. She was gorgeous, as always, but she didn’t look like she belonged here one bit.

  Steele’s wasn’t the typical place for a girl like her to be. Steele’s was more like a ghost town during the day, but it was about to be six in the afternoon, so the bar was filling up nicely. Most women wore leather pants and boots. Men wore leather vests and boots. Some of them belonged to biker groups, while others minded their own business and drowned themselves in beers and whiskey. Some were usual guests of Steele’s while others were newbies looking for a quick drink before taking off and chasing wind. Then, there were the girls who barely wore clothes. The groupies. Rose, however, didn’t fit in with any of them.

  Good thing she didn’t really seem to care much about the atmosphere, and it was also a good thing Montana was sitting right across from her... well, at the moment it seemed like a good thing. As I got closer, I could hear more of what he was saying. He was using his usual corny pick-up lines about taking girls home in his Mustang and making them feel beautiful. Rose was laughing, and so was I as I approached.

  “So that was your Mustang?” Rose asked, smiling as she eyed me. “I knew someone like Roy would never purchase a car so snazzy.”

  Montana shrugged. “If you want, you can ride in it again… with me. It’s smooth, right? It can put a baby straight to sleep.”

  Giggling, Rose said, “I’ll pass.”

  “Suit yourself,” Montana sighed out, shrugging.

  “Hitting on my girl? Isn’t that against the guy-code or something?” I asked teasingly.

  Montana simply shrugged again with his hands held out. “No offense, but sometimes girls think twice about the guy they’re with when they meet me. I tend to have that effect on the bitches.”

  I choked on a laugh. “The bitches?”

  “Yes,” he said nonchalantly. “But I don’t mean you, Miss Rose. No offense.” He looked at her, smirking.

  “None taken,” she said, still smiling.

  “Dude, we’re setting up in ten minutes. Deed and Gage are already backstage bringing the instruments and shit in,” he said, capping my shoulder.

  “Got it.”

  “Don’t be late!” Montana called, passing by a few girls. He winked at the table of girls, and they all giggled and sighed at him.

  “I see you’ve met one of my crazy band brothers.” I took the seat across from Rose.

  “He’s funny. I like him.”

  “Yeah. He’s a cool guy. How’d you know that wasn’t my Mustang?” I asked.

  She gave me a sarcastic look. “There were magazines of naked women in the passenger door. You don’t really seem like the kind of guy who keeps Playboy magazines in his car. You have more manners than that. You’d hide them, at least.”

  “More manners?” If only she knew.

  “Yes.” She pursed her lips and then stood up to sit beside me. “I can’t wait to hear you play again,” she said, running circles with her finger on my hand.

  I winked. “I’ll be playing for you.”

  She gave a faint smile and then looked down at my hands, but in an instant, her smile disappeared, and she narrowed her eyes, pulling her hand away with caution.

  “Is that… is that blood?” she asked, still staring down, eyes wide.

  I snapped my gaze down, forgetting all about the stains on the sleeve of my navy blue jacket. I had to think quickly.

  “Uh… yeah. Nose bleed on the way here.” Liar!

  “Oh. Are you okay?”

  “Fine.”

  “Roy, get your ass back here!” I heard Gage yell. I looked over Rose’s shoulder and spotted him standing near the restroom doors, frowning. I was glad he interrupted us. The blood on my sleeve flew right over her head.

  “I guess that’s your cue?”

  “Yep.” I turned toward her and leaned in, inhaling her delectable scent. Oh, how I could eat her up if given the opportunity. She always smelled nice. Inching in a bit more, I nuzzled my nose in the crook of her neck. She moaned, titling her head to the side, allowing my lips to explore her soft skin. I placed a kiss on the bend of her neck, dragging my lips up further and placing another below her earlobe. She grabbed my hands and pulled me closer, moaning, sighing…

  This wasn’t the place to get her aroused, but she wanted more, so I gave her a little taste. My kiss moved from the lobe of her ear to her cheek, down to her jawline, her chin, and then, I reached her lips. I took her bottom lip into my mouth and sucked on it, not as if my life depended on it, but just enough to hear her breathe my name.

  “Oh, Roy,” she whispered, her breaths getting thicker, her lips parting, and her eyes staring at my mouth. She wanted me to kiss her, but instead of going for it, I kissed her on the cheek and leaned back.

  “After I perform, shall we?” I asked.

  She pouted a little and smacked my arm playfully. “Maybe.” She stood from the bench to let me out, and I placed a smooth, damp kiss on her lips. It was brief, but enough to feel her, breathe her in. Enough to motivate me. Moaning, she placed the palm of her hand on my chest and pushed me away gently. “Go, before I end up dragging you out of here.”

  I chuckled. “Yes ma’am.”

  I turned and walked through the crowd, ignoring the bunch of groupies calling my name. I was on cloud nine, floating on air… at least, in my head I was. One of the girls ended up grabbing my hand, but I pulled away. She poked her bottom lip out, and I only shrugged, hurrying for the stage door.

  I got rid of my bloody jacket before any of the boys were to notice and get curious about it. I hated how I lied to Rose, but I had no choice. Had she known why that blood was really there, she wouldn’t have stuck around for the performance. She probably wouldn’t have wanted to speak to me again. She considered m
e different. And I was. It was just the wrong time for those men to mess with me, and my temper had really gotten the best of me, which was rare. She didn’t want a man who could be dangerous or crazy like some member of the mafia—someone she was afraid of. She wanted someone humble, meek… normal. Just a normal guy with a normal lifestyle. I could be normal. For her, I could do and be anything.

  My performance was actually better than usual. I guess because I had someone to impress. I could see her clearly at the booth with her glass of water. That same light was hovering above her head, a smile gracing her lips. My fingers struck each chord on the guitar perfectly, as if I’d done it a million times. Things seemed a lot better, seeing as I’d just beaten the shit out of some man on a stoop and got spat at and knocked around by Corey. My knuckles were hurting like a bitch, but it didn’t matter. She was my primary focus right now, and I wanted to take advantage of it. I wanted to bask in. Relish in it. I deserved it after the shit-filled day I had.

  “Dude, you’re ripping that shit! How much practice have you been putting in this week?” Montana hollered at me as Gage sang at the top of his lungs. As I looked ahead, a few girls were reaching for him. He reached down and lingered his fingers with them before leaning back and clutching the mic, adding more power to his vocal chords. He had his own reasons for singing so emotionally. I guess we were all the same in some ways, wanting to block certain emotions that only seemed to bring us down—with our music of course.

  “Yeah, you can say that. Or motivation.” I cocked my head toward the crowd and smiled. Montana raised his eyebrows, nodding with a grin.

  “She must be a good one!”

  Deed was pounding on his drums, bobbing his head; Montana did his usual showboating move by stepping toward the crowd, getting the girls to holler for him and reveal glimpses of their breasts. It was a good night for us and an even better night for me when I got to spend the rest of it with Rose.

  “Roy, that was… amazing! Incredible. You boys are really, really good,” Rose said as we started our walk toward her house.

  I chuckled. “Did you doubt us that much?”

  “Well, I didn’t have much doubt. You played really well at the park that first time, but getting the full effect from each of you was just… wow.” She tightened her arm around mine, smiling up at me. “Never thought I’d be dating a guy in a band. Daddy would slap me silly.”

  “Why?” I asked. There was a mixture of a frown and a hint of a smile on my face. Curiosity struck me.

  “He just has this thing about bands,” she said, waving her hand in the air, as if it were nothing. “He doesn’t believe in them. He thinks the bands that do make it know someone in the industry. Those are the only ones he believes in. If he met you and you told him you were a lead guitarist of a local band or something, he would tell me to never talk to you again. He’s sort of… iffy that way.”

  “That’s… weird.”

  “Yeah, I know. Basically, if the guy doesn’t have money, he wants me to have nothing to do with him. I’m his princess. He expects me to be well taken care of by someone with as much or more money than him.”

  “Do you see it that way?” I asked.

  She sucked her lip in, hesitant. “I used to. I grew up getting everything I ever wanted. I was a spoiled little brat at one point, but then, I realized it’s not about the money. It’s about life. And how much fun I have. You won’t believe it, but I hung out with a few girls this past summer—before Daddy found out—and they weren’t that wealthy. They all shared a two-bedroom apartment and could barely manage to keep a roof over their heads, but they knew how to party. And they knew how to live. I never knew how to live until I was around them. There were six of them, and they were… fun. But then, he saw me with them one day and wanted me to have nothing to do with them. He said I was better than them.”

  “So he’d think you’re better than me? That you deserve more?” I swallowed the rotten taste I allowed to linger on my tongue. Her dad sounded like a dick.

  “Maybe, but Daddy can change. If he sees how happy I am, he’ll see I deserve someone who makes me smile, not someone who can buy me material things and think that’s all I need. I like spending time with you. With the guys before… they hardly spent time with me. I felt lonely, even when they would send me flowers and chocolate. Sometimes, that’s not all a girl wants. Sometimes… we want… just a little bit… more.” She said her last sentence slowly and stopped our walk. She stood on her toes and kissed my cheek first, and then my lips.

  “I don’t wanna go home yet,” she breathed against my chin, threading her fingers through my hair. “Not yet. Take me somewhere?”

  “Where?” I whispered, sliding the palms of my hands down her hips.

  “Anywhere. Anywhere but home.”

  I pondered on it, and when I thought of the perfect place—a place the whole band went in order to get away—I smiled and linked arms with her again. “Come with me.”

  The Tavern.

  That’s what we called it. It was an old, rickety building made of heavily worn wood and split boards. The inside was completely covered in broken glass and dirt and filled with a damp, moldy odor that we tended to overlook, or tried to overpower with the cans of air-freshener that Deed bought. Although it was a dump on the outside and the inside wasn’t very appealing to the eye, it was the boys’ and my getaway spot. Whenever we didn’t want anyone to hear what we were working on or whenever Montana would find a pack of his dad’s beers he left whenever he was out of town, we’d meet up here and drink the night away, talk, play video games whenever the power worked, or our usual thing, make music. We did a lot of stuff together here.

  “I know it’s not the best place in the world,” I said, grunting as I tugged on the heavy door, “but it’s not so bad once you get used to it. If you can stick around at Steele’s, you can stick around here. It’s about the same.”

  She laughed. “As long as it’s not home, I don’t mind.”

  Grabbing her hand and entering the Tavern, I picked up two of the biggest flashlights in the container below a window and switched them on. I flashed one on Rose’s face, and she blocked the light with her hand, straining her lips. “What was this place?” she asked, taking a look around.

  “I don’t know.” I handed her one of the flashlights. “We think it was an old warehouse or something. See those tractor beds over there?” I asked, pointing my flashlight to the left.

  She turned and looked. “Yeah…”

  “They’re really old. They don’t look like the tractor beds in new warehouses. We think this place was made around the sixties… seventies, maybe.”

  “Wow,” she breathed.

  I sighed as she continued staring at the beds. I brought the light back to us and held it against my chest, staring down at her. She mimicked me, grinning over the light; parts of her face became a beautiful silhouette. She reached for my hand, and taking her delicate fingers, I brought her hand to my lips, kissing her knuckles, staring into her bright eyes. My heart thundered against my rib cage the longer she stared at me. Her eyes always did something to me. Her gaze, so deep, always made me feel insecure. The way she looked at me, all over, made me feel transparent, like she could see past the heavy, dark clothing. It seemed as though her penetrating gaze was staring at every tattoo, searching everything I’d ever gone through, and watching what I’d just done to that man on the stoop. It wasn’t an empty stare, but it was a knowing one. One I could never figure out.

  I had to break the ice.

  The longer we stood like this—with the lights below us and gazing into one another’s eyes—the more turned on I was getting. “Come with me. I wanna show you something,” I finally said.

  I led her across the spacious area, pointing the flashlight at the ground to make sure I didn’t cross anything hazardous. As soon as I reached the spot I wanted to be in, I stopped, and she gasped, pointing her flashlight ahead. First, her light landed on the beat up grey sofa. It was truly worn; the
boys and I got it from the guy who lived next door to Deed. He was going to throw it out, but we took it and brought it here. Next, her light landed on the TV that was a few feet away from the sofa.

  “The electricity still works here?” she asked.

  I shrugged. “It’s occasional. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn’t. Let me see if it’s working tonight.” Releasing her hand, I made my way to the TV and plugged it in the nearest socket. I pressed the ON button, and surprisingly, it flashed on. Static and noise filled the room, and Rose rapidly covered her ears. “Works,” I laughed, turning the volume down.

  Pulling her hands down, she flashed the light on the final piece of furniture, the one I really wanted to use, but the one I knew I was going to have to hold off on until she was ready.

  “That’s a bed,” she stated, breathless. She looked surprised, like a bed was the last thing she was expecting to see yet relieved it was around.

  “Yeah. It is.”

  “Wow… this place is… cool. Seems really comfortable.”

  “It is.” I walked toward her, and she lowered her flashlight, meeting my eyes yet again. The filter of light coming from the TV, dancing around my shadow, shone on her face, bringing out her angelic features. Clasping my hands around her jawline, I stared into her eyes, wanting all of her, but knowing I couldn’t have it. Only a portion. However, I was going to be greedy by taking a large portion of her.

  I brought her face to mine and connected our lips. I breathed her in, picking her up by the waist so she could wrap her toned legs around me. She moaned as she locked her arms around my neck and yanked my head back by the hair with one hand. It was rough, kinky, and it made my dick throb.

  Taking gradual steps backward, I made my way to the bed, hoping she wouldn’t panic, hoping she’d just let me please her and have my way with her. I wanted to show her just how much I liked being with her—that it wasn’t all about me tonight. It was more about her.