Who I Am (FireNine)

by Williams, S. Q.

  Sighing, I sat back in my chair and watched her take four sips and chews before dropping her spoon and sinking into her pillows again. “What’s bothering you, Roy?”

  I shrugged. “A lot.”

  “Like?”

  I swallowed thickly, tearing my gaze away. “Well, there’s you… and Rose. She hasn’t called me back yet.”

  “And why’s that? Is she upset with you?” Mom asked.

  “No… I don’t think so. I know she’s been busy, and I’ve been busy, too.”

  “No one’s ever too busy for the ones they love.”

  “I know, I know.”

  I looked at her, and she gave me a faint smile. We were quiet for a moment, listening to Sylvia moving dishes around in the kitchen. But out of the blue, Mom started crying, and it wasn’t the silent kind of crying she usually did. It was loud… and scary. It broke my heart hearing it. I was sure Sylvia could hear it, too.

  “Ma… what’s wrong?” I asked, panicked.

  She covered her face with her hands, shaking her head. “I can’t leave you in this world alone!” she blurted out, sniffling.

  I blinked rapidly, unsure of what to say. What can you say to that? Mom had lost all faith. Mom was going to be leaving soon, and she knew it. I guess I knew it, too, but I still didn’t want to believe it. She was thinner and weaker. She wasn’t healthy at all. She could hardly even sit herself up, much less walk. She was losing it… and so was I. But I had to keep strong. I had to put all the advice she’d given me back into her.

  “Mom, listen to me,” I said, taking one of her hands in mine. “Everything is going to be okay. You aren’t going anywhere. This is just a minor bump in the road. Nothing we can’t handle. If you’d just get back on your medication, you’ll be fine. You can’t give up on yourself—”

  “No, Roy, I won’t be fine! None of this is fine. None of it was fine! What I used to do…” She shook her head, a tear dripping off her lip. “What I used to do was wrong… and you saw it. Every time you look at me now… I think that’s all you see in me. The whore in me. I wasn’t that great of a mother. A mother wouldn’t have let her own son watch her bring countless men in and out of her house just to make money!”

  “You did what you had to do. You had no other choice. No one would hire you. No one. Just like no one would hire me. We all do things we aren’t proud of. I was there, too. I remember you getting calls from companies. I remember them telling you they weren’t going to need your services. I remember it all. Dad walking out… leaving you to take care of me on your own. There’s a consequence to everything, yeah, but if you think for a second that going to your last resort just to take care of me, keep a roof over my head, feed me, and raise me was selfish, then you’re wrong. Dead wrong. I don’t know of a mother who would degrade herself or put herself through such low standards just to make a few bucks. Most would’ve given up, but you didn’t. And why?” I cupped her face in my hands, smiling… blinded by tears. “Why? Because you’re strong, Mom. You’re a soldier. You’re my soldier. You’ve been here for me when no one else was. Don’t give up on yourself just because you feel bad for me. I’m okay. I’ll always be okay.”

  “Roy,” she choked. “Baby, you’re my soldier. You were the only reason I didn’t give up. I know how hard it is to try and make a living when you don’t get off on the right foot.”

  “I know.” I placed my forehead on hers, smiling a little. “I know.” I wiped her tears away with my thumbs, looking her in the eye. “But we’ll get through this. You’ll see.”

  All she could do was nod. She continued her weeping until she fell asleep. I held her the entire time. I even crawled into bed with her. I couldn’t leave her side, but I also couldn’t sleep. Something in the very back of my mind was telling me that without Mom, it was never going to be the same. No matter how much hope I had, there was a shadow of doubt that grew more and more by the hour… by the day. She was only getting worse. My life seemed to only be getting worse. I was scared. And during it all, I still hadn’t heard from Rose.

  Sylvia took Mom to the hospital a week later to have a doctor watch over her instead, and while she did, I decided it was time to make a change. I hadn’t heard much from Rose, but she also hadn’t heard much from me. Each time we got on the phone, one of us was too busy to talk. She didn’t even know I was in town.

  I was going to make this right.

  This was a big leap, but I was certain it was going to be well worth it after all the shit we’d been through. After all the distance that’d come between us.

  There was something I bought in Chicago a while ago, and the longer I stared at it, the more insecure I became. I wasn’t sure if this was the right way to go, but now felt like the right time. I’d never felt so sure about anything in my life until she came along.

  I drove to Rose’s house and arrived within twenty minutes. The gates were locked, and no one seemed to be home, but I wasn’t about to let that stop me. I could see Rose’s BMW parked in front of the mansion, so I parked in front of the gates and gave her a call. She didn’t answer, so I waited, hoping she’d call back.

  Nightfall crept on me as I sat on the trunk of my Hyundai, staring down at the black jewelry box in my hand. Cars drove back and forth, and time continued to tick by. Just when midnight rolled around, and I was about to tuck the box in my jacket and pull out my keys, I heard Rose giggling. I turned toward her voice, my heart speeding up, relieved to hear it, but that relief obliterated into ashes as I saw her arm-in-arm with the one fucker I never thought she’d be with again.

  Tommy.

  I looked through the gates to see if his car was around, but it wasn’t. He must’ve parked in the back. Turning again, I looked at Rose who was smiling up at him, the moon shining on them both. Tommy was telling some stupid joke, and she giggled again, but when she looked ahead and saw me, her face grew serious, her laughter coming to a cease. Tommy looked from her to me and as soon as our eyes locked, he smirked. I wanted to knock that smirk right off his lips.

  “Meet you inside, babe?” Tommy asked.

  Rose didn’t respond, and instead of going in for a punch to his nose, I remained perfectly still.

  Tommy kissed Rose on the cheek and walked past me, entering a code and opening the gates to walk through. The gates slammed shut behind him, scraping against the brick wall. Rose flinched, but I couldn’t stop staring at her. I couldn’t believe her. I couldn’t believe this. Is this what she was doing while I was out trying to make a better future for both of us?

  “Roy, let me explain,” she said, hurrying toward me.

  This was the same thing she said to me less than a year ago. She always wanted to fucking explain. Her explanation for this, though… it wasn’t going to make any sense to me because what I saw was real. Rocky wasn’t around. There was no one to make a scene or impression for. It was just the two of them, and she was happy. She told me she was done with him, and if that were true, she wouldn’t have been out with him. What the fuck is going on?

  “You’ve got to be fucking kidding me right now, Rose!” I roared. She flinched again, pulling her lips in to bite on them. “This is a joke right? Am I being pranked or set up again? Where the fuck is Rocky, huh? He must be around here somewhere!” I couldn’t control my anger. My temper was really on the rise.

  “No, Roy.” Rose shook her head, tears at the rims of her eyes. “No… it’s not a prank. It’s not a joke. I told you before that I couldn’t handle this traveling thing between us. I told you, if you were gone more than you were here, I wasn’t going to know what to do. Tommy came back for me, and… and I didn’t know what to do! I was weak! Vulnerable! I missed you… But I missed him. A lot, Roy!”

  “Missed him?!” I spat. “Missed him!” I clenched my fists, storming past her. I had to get away before I ended up rushing to the mansion to punch and strangle the shit out of Tommy.

  “Roy! Please!” I ignored her and kept walking. She continued to follow after me, yelling my name. �
��Roy, you knew from day one that I was never going to be over Tommy!” she shouted.

  That made me stop and take a deep pivot. I marched toward her, my eyes hard on hers. She stared up at me, her bottom lip trembling, blue eyes glistening. “I told you to come with me, Rose. I knew I was going to be gone a lot and so did you. What do you expect? My band isn’t local anymore. I wanted you with me as we traveled, but you told me no! You wanted to stay here. I was giving you a chance to come with me, and you didn’t take it… and now you’re blaming me because you fell back in love with the fucker who ripped your heart to shreds before—again?” I shook my head and scoffed. “I guess I’m on the same boat as you, though, right? I’m standing right in front of the person who ripped me to pieces once before, yet I took her back. Even when I knew, in the back of my mind, she would slip up and rip me apart again… for him. I should’ve listened to myself way before I listened to you or any of your lies. I guess it was my fault for giving this bullshit relationship another chance.”

  “You weren’t here, Roy. And he’s my first love… I’ll never be over him, no matter how hard I try to be. I know you don’t want to hear that, but it’s the truth. I thought by being with you, I could get over him because you were good to me, but… I can’t.”

  “And that’s reason enough to walk all over me and run back to him? To ignore me!” I was in her face now, and she was backing away. It’s like she wanted to scream for help, and maybe she should have. I was hurting. The remains of my heart were being scattered all over the place with each sentence being poured from my mouth. Being pistol-whipped by Red Round would’ve hurt less than what was going on deep inside me. There was just too much going on right now.

  “I never wanted it to be this way,” she whispered. “I didn’t think we’d go this far. I didn’t want to hurt you.”

  “Of course you didn’t. As long as you’re okay in the end, that’s all that matters, right?” I scoffed again, stepping away from her. “You know, Rocky was right. I’m siding with him on this one. You’re selfish as fuck, Rose. You only care about yourself. You don’t think about anyone else but your goddamn self. And that’s sad.”

  I wanted to say so much more. I wanted to blast her. Yell at her. Hurt her feelings somehow, but I was better than that. I figured I’d said enough. I saw all I needed to see. Heard all I could bear. It was time to let this shit go. It just wasn’t worth fighting for anymore. I hated being lied to. Right now was the wrong time for me to feel betrayed, but she’d done it.

  With that, I rushed past her and jumped in my car. I started it and relentlessly pressed my foot on the gas pedal. She tried calling after me and even yelled for me to wait, but I ignored her.

  That was my last straw with Rose. I was done being one of her go-to guys. I was done lying to myself to make it seem like everything was okay between us. I was tired of making up excuses for her just because I was in love with her. I was in denial, and I hated myself for it. But I fucking loved her so much. She brought a lot out of me that I’d never seen before. Why’d it have to be her? I didn’t know if I was going to be able to forgive myself for this one.

  There was one thing, however, that I did know. Aside from my mom and my best friends, no one else was going to matter to me. I wasn’t going to let anyone else close to my heart. I didn’t want anyone else to get to know me, and I definitely didn’t want to get to know anyone else. Rose tampered with my emotions, jerked them around, and screwed them up. I couldn’t let this happen to me again. Ever again.

  That night, I went straight home and jumped on my guitar to pour my heart and soul out. Three nights later—with long days of visiting the hospital and hearing the news about her get worse—I was rushing to the hospital, only to crouch down in front of my mother and see her take her last breath. I swear it felt like my whole life had been ruined… torn apart. After watching her pass away, my life felt meaningless.

  I kept myself together until the funeral came around. Everyone was just starting to leave the burial grounds, but I stayed and watched them lower the casket. I guess watching them put her six feet under broke me. It made me realize that this was it. She was really gone. There would be no more joking around with my mother, hugging her, seeking her advice. There’d be no more comforting from her embrace, getting her encouragement, or telling her how well my performance went in a certain state. There’d be no more of anything with my mom. And knowing that was like a knife in the chest. Not the heart, but the chest. It would’ve been better if the knife were to the heart. It’d kill me. But no, this pain lingered and weighed on my chest. It was deep. It was excruciating. It was relentless.

  I fell to my knees, and the boys came rushing for me. They tried forcing me up, but I didn’t want to move. I didn’t budge. I wanted to go down there with her. I would have been better off in a box, surrounded by the deep, earthly cold of the end. I needed my Mom like I needed air.

  She was my best friend.

  The woman that kept me put together.

  The woman that built me up and made me who I am today.

  She was my inspiration to get through every day. Sometimes she’d tell me to just… smile. To just live.

  As much as I hated to admit it, I wanted Rose there. I wanted that promise she made me—about being there for me when Mom passed away—to be fulfilled. I wanted her to cope with me. Comfort me. I needed her, too. But she didn’t show.

  Why?

  Because she didn’t give a fuck. She never did.

  Just when I thought things were looking up for me and the ones I loved, everything went to shreds. Everything I once cared for was no longer there—nothing but my guitar and my band anyway. I guess the old man on the bus with the fedora was right. Love doesn’t last, but he forgot to add something. Happiness doesn’t last either.

  While grieving, I had a newfound love for my guitar. It was much greater than it was before. My passion for it grew, and it took over every part of me. There was nothing else to live for but this and my band.

  Day and night, it was me and my acoustic, or even an electric. Day and night, it was me and Gage working on songs, or me and Montana working on harmonization. Nothing outside of my band and our music was getting in anymore. A huge part of me died after my encounter with Rose and Mom’s death.

  I never thought I’d see that part of me again—the part where I was alive, energetic… happy. The part where all I could think about was that certain someone and what song I could write for her this time, or what to wear so that certain someone could compliment me on it and make me feel good about myself. I didn’t think any of those feelings would come back into my life again…

  But I was wrong. Kelsey Prior showed up, and she took over every single part of me. And this time, with her, I knew it’d be worth it.

  Present day

  Kelsey

  During Roy’s entire interview, I could see he was hurting while thinking about all he’d been through. When he’d first told me, I couldn’t believe any of it. He’d been through so much. It explained why he was the one people knew nothing about. But the fact that he was coming out of his shell for his fans proved he was over it. He was done with the past and grieving over all he lost. He was becoming a new Roy. A better one.

  Just as I sigh out, Roy steps around the corner, blowing out a breath as well. He tosses his hair away from his face, and when his eyes meet mine, he grins. I stand quickly, tucking my book beneath my arm.

  “So… what’d you think?” I ask, stepping toward him and wrapping my arms around his neck.

  “I think… that was the hardest shit I’ve ever been through—and I’ve been through a lot of shit,” he chuckles, and I laugh with him.

  Placing a kiss on his cheek, I reel him in closer, grinning from ear to ear. “I’m proud of you, Roy. Not everyone can do that.”

  “I know.” He pecks my lips with his. “What do you say we get outta here?”

  “That’d be great.” It really would be great. My ass was getting sore sitting on the br
ick-like chair. I release my lock around Roy’s neck, and we walk hand-in-hand to the exit. A few employees wave goodbye to us, and we return the gesture. We’re out the door in no time. “I called Stan for you,” I say, pointing at the stretch limo across from us.

  “Kells, I’m really thinking about making you my assistant,” he teases.

  “Sorry. Already employed. Thanks for the offer though,” I say, clunking my way to the limo. Stan hops out and rushes to the back door, yanking it open.

  “That took longer than I thought,” Stan says, checking his watch as I climb in. “It’s already six.”

  “Sorry about that,” Roy apologizes. “At least you’re paid by the hour!”

  Chuckling, Stan shut the door behind him, and we pull off, heading to Roy’s condo. On our way there, I can’t help but notice how quiet Roy is. He’s staring out of the window, his lips pressed tight, and skinny fingers folded in his lap. His hair is hanging in his face again, and the urge to push it away overwhelms me, but I hold off. He’s thinking about something.

  “What’s on your mind?” I ask.

  He perks up and turns his gaze on me. “Nothing. Just thinking…”

  “About…?”

  “A lot of shit.” He gives a dry laugh.

  I adjust myself in my seat, sliding closer to him with a sweet smile. “You know… it’s okay to think about her sometimes, Roy. I understand you two didn’t leave off on good terms. And you… loved her.”

  He shrugs, craning a long arm across my shoulders and pulling me into his side. “It’s not just about loving her. It’s that she didn’t love me when she said she did. I know you don’t wanna hear it, but most times, I want to know exactly what she was thinking when she was with me. Did she enjoy seeing me? Did I really make her happy? Was I always the second choice? Did she even take me seriously? Or was she just using me the entire time to get over someone?”

  I nibble on my lower lip, unsure of what to say other than, “I understand.”

  “But it’s whatever. It’s over and done with. I have everything I want right here beside me.”