Roy’s mouth falls open, his face defeated. He releases his hold from my face, and I’m glad my tears are blinding me because I don’t want to see that I’ve just broken him or his heart. But if he’s broken mine, it’s only fair. It’s so selfish and so low of me, but I really thought he was the one. I guess I was wrong.
“Go, Roy,” I whisper, stepping back and holding the doorknob. He doesn’t leave right away. Although I refuse to look at him, I can tell he’s no longer looking at me. He’s looking somewhere else. He’s hardly even breathing.
After about ten seconds of standing, he places a kiss on my forehead, and one of his tears lands on my forearm. I stare down at it, fighting the ache within me. I want to kiss him back, but I know I can’t. I can’t give in. Giving in again always gets me hurt. I’m done giving second chances. To forgive once is to forgive again and again and again. And then, they start to walk all over you. I’m done being that girl, the one who’s too weak to never say no. The one who’s afraid to be alone. I’m over that phase of life.
“I love you… so much, Kelsey. I’ll leave because I know you’re upset. I know I pissed you off… broke your heart. I know I lied to you, and I promised you I never would, but if you think for a second that I won’t fight my hardest to win you back and make you mine all over again, you’re wrong. I refuse to lose you. Do you understand me?” he asks, tilting my chin. We meet eyes, and seeing the tears skid down his cheeks makes my heart ache for him, but as a favor to myself, I don’t give in.
I don’t answer him either. Instead, I tell him to just go. He pulls his finger away and nods, knowing if he tries to stay any longer, he’ll only make things worse. I shut the door quickly but stand on my toes and look out of the peephole. I watch him walk down the hall with his head down, and when he meets the stairs, it’s as if he knows I’m watching because he looks back, his eyes filled with tears. He stops himself from taking the next step down. He stares at my door and then shakes his head, hurrying down the stairs without so much as a glance back.
With every step took away from my apartment, away from us, I allowed the tears to consume me, the hiccupping worsening by the second. The tears grow heavier when he disappears. I turn around and march for my room, sliding beneath my blankets and drowning in my own sorrow.
I’ve had bruises and scars. I’ve had cuts and stitches. I’ve even had a broken arm that had to be put in a pink cast. All of that hurt, but nothing hurts more than a broken heart. Nothing. Because heartache is deep inside. Heartache takes much longer to heal than a broken bone or a scar. I can endure the pain of a broken bone, cuts, and bruises. What I can’t do, though, is endure the heavy feeling within me, knowing that the love of my life is no longer the love of my life. That he betrayed me. That we… lost one another.
I thought what we had was real. I thought Roy would be different. But all it took was one girl—the girl who’d captured his heart once before—to get him to see that he was never over her to begin with. They didn’t end their relationship on good terms, and I guess his mistake makes sense.
I just hate that his mistake had to involve my heart.
The next few days, following the admission of his betrayal, sucked. Not waking up to his “Good morning” texts. Not getting a random phone call from him during the middle of the day. Not getting his forehead kisses, or his bear-like hugs…
God, he has the best hugs. We mold perfectly. His arms are long enough to envelope me all over. In his arms is where I feel safe and warm, where I feel loved. But as of now, I feel too available… too cold. Too… vacant.
It’s been hard without him. Three days passing, and I haven’t heard a thing from him. Is this how he fights for his love? I’d be damned. It’s terrible. Not hearing from him is worse than a bunch of bullshit apologies that I probably won’t believe. These past three days have given me a lot to think about, though. Maybe too much.
Sighing, I turn my head and look out of one of the three floor-to-ceiling windows. It’s windy out, but the sun seems to be shining. For New York, it’s a glorious afternoon, yet I can’t relish in it like I want to.
Pushing out of my chair, I walk toward the glass, reaching my hand out to touch it. It’s surprisingly cool, and I want to feel it everywhere. I take another step in and press my forehead against the pane, looking down at the pedestrians and loads of yellow and white taxis. I then press the palm of my hand against the glass, looking back up, past the buildings and towards the sky.
I remember when Roy taught me this. It was a rainy afternoon, and he was feeling pretty down about himself. I didn’t speak, but I watched him stand up and walk toward the balcony window of his condo. First, he placed the palm of his hand against it, and then his cheek. He released some sort of satisfied groan. Confused as I was, I still decided it was best to stand up and follow his lead.
As he rested his forehead against the glass, so did I. And I could see why he did it. The glass felt cool and refreshing against my skin. It sort of soothed me, and I could tell it did the same for him. Most would find it an odd thing to do, but I understood. In this moment, I understand why he always did it when he felt low.
“It always goes away, though,” he whispered that day.
“What does?” I asked.
“The coolness. The longer you keep your flesh there, the more it fades. Just proves that all good things in life are only temporary.”
I was shocked to hear him say that, but he was still smiling, still looking into my eyes, so I agreed and left it alone.
Damn it. Here come even more memories. A whimper gets trapped in my throat, my eyes burn, and I clench my fists. Squeezing my eyes tight, I step back, pulling my hand that was on the glass, away. “Just stop thinking about him, Kelsey,” I scold myself.
I know it’s best to get back to work, so I turn around, but a heavy gasp tumbles out of me as I spot Jace Lawrence standing between the frames of my office door. There’s a gentle smile on his lips, a casual gleam in his eyes.
“What the hell? How long have you been standing there?” I ask, frowning.
“Hmm… since you stood up and hugged that glass over there,” he says, pointing behind me. “Kind of a weird thing to do while working.”
Ignoring his ignorant remark, I make my way back to my seat, opening a green folder and scanning my next assignment. Hopefully he gets the point that I’m not going to respond to his arrogance. I don’t have time for it, and quite honestly, I’m not in the damn mood for it.
“So… I heard some bad news,” Jace says, taking leisured steps into my office.
“Oh yeah?” I ask, still scanning the papers. “What’s that?”
“Well, I was sure it was just a rumor at first, but seeing you nearly kiss that glass may have just proven it to be true.”
I furrow my eyebrows, dropping my folder and meeting his light-grey eyes. “Stop making riddles and shit. Just spit it out.”
Jace only smiles, tilting his head. A few strands of blonde hair fall into his eyes, but he brushes them back, molding them with the rest of his gelled hair. “You and Roy. I heard you two are no more.”
“Well you heard right.” I shrug.
“Damn. What the hell was he thinking?”
“What are you talking about?” I frown at him, wanting so badly for him to just shut the hell up and leave.
“Kelsey, I mean… let’s be honest here. There was nothing that could separate the two of you. Unless one of you screwed up… then maybe there could be a little heart failure down the road.”
I keep my lips sealed, snatching my gaze away from his and staring at my papers. I try and focus on the words, but it hurts to hear. And it hurts to think about it all over again.
“Jace… can you just leave me alone please? I’m not in the mood for this today.”
Jace remains silent, but I don’t dare look up. I can feel him looking at me, studying me with those bright grey eyes. I hear shuffling from him, and I think he’s leaving but when I look up, he’s right in front of my de
sk, a serious look taking over every feature of his face.
Reaching his hand down, he tilts my chin, forcing me to meet his eyes. “Just know, if it were me, I never would’ve done anything to destroy what we had. Never,” he repeats and then removes his hold on my chin. He stands back up straight, and I’m shocked. My heart is beating a mile a minute. I’m staring at him like a madwoman, confused as to how he can be such an asshole, yet so charming all in one. “But that’s just me, of course,” he says, adjusting his blue tie and shrugging. “Some men don’t appreciate a good girl when they have one.”
Wow. Same mind set, much? I think the same damn thing every day. I want to respond, but I’m still speechless. Jace has never placed a hand on me. He has respect, and I give him that, but that touch… it was tender and caring. And extremely unique coming from someone like him. I never thought he could be affectionate, seeing as he’s the biggest jackass working at AG.
“If you ever wanna talk, Kelsey, I’m here. Pretty good listener, too, if I do say so myself. Maybe we can go out for dinner or something. My treat. I’d love to take you out.”
I don’t respond. I don’t think that’s the best thing to do right now.
Sighing, Jace slides his fingertips into his pockets and steps back. “I’ll leave you to think about it.” With a smirk and a wink, he’s turning around and walking through my office door without a look back.
And then, I finally breathe.
Never in a million years did I think I’d feel any sort of connection with Jace Lawrence. I guess I was wrong about him. Behind his carelessness and asshole-ish ways, he’s probably the sweetest guy ever. Just like how Roy was. On the outside, he seems rude, selfish, and hard to talk to, but when you really get to know him, he’s as sweet as can be. Roy cares more than anyone I’ve ever known. Maybe that was his problem with meeting Rose the other night. He still cared. He cared too much about closing the deal and settling things with her. I can’t blame him for it. It’s how he is. I can’t change that. He doesn’t like when things are left wide open with no closure.
But I gave him closure, at my apartment when I shut the door behind him and watched him walk away. That was enough closure to prove I was done… that I didn’t need him.
But I do.
I need him like air.
Before I can pull out my keys and lock my office up, I hear footsteps coming behind me. Spinning around, I face Jace whose eyes are roaming my entire body, mainly my breasts. I ignore it. I’m still not in the mood for arguing.
“Hey, Jace,” I sigh.
“Hey. Leaving already?”
“Yeah.” I tuck my hair behind my ears and then turn to lock the door again. “I can’t think straight right now. Too much on my mind.”
“Oh yeah?”
I turn and nod.
“Well, I was actually coming to see if you wanted to go out and catch drinks with me and few other co-workers. We’ve all been working on this project, and we need to let loose. We might as well, you know?”
“You mean get hammered and fucked up?” I inquire.
“Well, if you want to put it the real way, yes. Hammered and fucked up.” He laughs, and I laugh with him, but then I get serious. I glance down at my phone in the palm of my hand, wishing that Roy would at least text me. I haven’t heard from him at all, which pisses me off.
I look back up at Jace and nod my head. “Actually, I’d love to catch a few drinks. I need it.”
Jace nods. “Great.”
“How about you pick me up from my place. I have to change out of this suit.”
“No problem. Just text me your address.” He takes my phone out of my hand and plugs in his number. He then hands it back to me, and I press my lips, fighting a smile.
“I’ll see you in a bit.” I step around him and hurry for the elevator without looking back. As soon as the doors shoot open and I’m inside, I lean against the wall, pressing a hand against my forehead. “What in the hell, Kelsey? Drinks with another man is the last thing you need right now,” I mutter. It’s not like scolding myself is going to make a difference. I’ve already made up my mind. Roy hasn’t spoken to me, and I’m tired of waiting. I need to get out and do something to clear my mind. Thinking about him is only going to put me further down in the dumps… and I don’t need that.
Kelsey
“Geez, it’s packed in here!” I yell over the alternative music blasting out of the speakers. There are people everywhere, at the bar, at the counter, on the floor dancing. Funny, because there’s no dance floor in this place. They’re just drunk out of their minds and dancing.
Placing his hand on the small of my back, Jace looks down at me, nearing his lips on my ear. “There are two spots left at the bar,” he says. I shiver, and I’m not sure if it’s in a good or bad way.
“What about everyone else?” I ask, looking back at each of them coming in, laughing and chatting with one another.
“Well, it’s completely up to you. I think we should be up close and personal with the drinks… well, you anyway. Seems like you need it.” He winks at me, pulling his hand away from my back. He then turns around and walks through the crowd. My eyes follow after him as I fold my fingers in front of me. Damn it. Do I really want to do this with him?
Before I can think things through, my feet are making their way after him. There’s a reason I came out tonight. To have fun and to stop thinking about Roy… if that’s even possible. I know being with Jace might take my thoughts away for a little while. He’s an asshole most times, but he can be a good guy. Funny sometimes, too.
I stop at the bar, and he pulls a stool out for me, smiling charismatically in my direction. I smile back, sitting on the stool and placing my purse on my lap.
After I order a rum and coke and Jace orders a beer, he turns my way, looking me over. Uneasy, I pick up my drink, taking a few hard swallows. “Did you finish up that project Monica gave you? You were working on that thing all day… and you took longer than usual on it,” Jace says.
“Oh, yeah,” I say, clearing my throat. “I finished it, but I started another project. That’s why I was in my office all day. Thought I’d get a head start on next week’s task.” I laugh, and he does the same
“You know, no one likes to see you like this… Not even me.”
“Like what?” I ask, meeting his smoky eyes.
“You know… down? You’re usually the lively one. The one who’s always smiling and saying smart shit back to me when I say something rude. I liked that about you… your feistiness.”
“Yeah, well,” I blow out a breath, “I think I’m burned out. Everything just feels pointless now, you know?”
“No.” He shakes his head. “I don’t know, but I can understand.”
I straighten my back, narrowing my eyes at him. “So you’re telling me you’ve never been hurt by anyone?”
He shakes his head, a cool smile on his lips.
“No one at all?” I ask. “Not once?”
“No. I’ve sort of stayed clear of relationships, but I’m only getting older and having one-night stands and shit is getting old. I guess it’s time for me to man up, huh?”
We laugh. “Uh, yeah, Jace. It is.”
“Well, I was thinking…” He slides his hand across the marble bar to place it on top of mine. I halt on my next breath, staring down at it. “It’d be really nice to start with someone like you.”
“Uh…” I bite my bottom lip, unsure of what to say. What’s the point of leading him on when my heart still belongs to him? It probably always will.
“Don’t worry,” he continues. “I understand it’ll take time. You literally just got done with Roy. Why would I rush anything?”
I sigh, relieved. “Yeah… he’s still kind of… occupying my thoughts.”
“Is he right now?”
No point in lying. “Yes,” I admit.
Jace nods and starts to pull his hand away. I think he’s going to go for his drink again, but he doesn’t. He places his hand on m
y thigh and runs it up my leg. I look down, my breath hitching all over again. His warm fingers crawl up my bare leg, and I snap my gaze up to his eyes. He’s already staring at me, that cool, casual smile still on his lips. “How can anyone screw up with someone as beautiful as you?” he whispers. I’m not sure how I manage to hear him over the music or the noisy people, but I do, and it makes my stomach spiral.
With ease, he pulls his hand away from my leg and turns straight. He picks up his beer, finishes it off, and calls the bartender to order another.
I inhale, grabbing my drink and taking three hard swallows. What the fuck are you doing, Kelsey? This is so… wrong.
In between a few more drinks, Jace and I start some minor chit chat about the projects we’re working on but I can’t help but think about what he said before. Why would he want to start anything with me, of all people?
“On a lighter topic,” Jace says, smiling over his beer and looking up at the TV screen above us. “My sister used to date this guy in a band. The band never got really far, but she believed they would, and so did he. Since he thought he and his band were going to make it big, he ended up leaving her behind. He didn’t even tell her he didn’t want to be with her anymore. He just stopped talking to her. She was a wreck. It’s why I believe all rock stars are the same. A bunch of arrogant assholes.”
“But they aren’t,” I disagree.
“Of course you’d think that, Kelsey. You’re still in love with one.”
“No, seriously. They’re not all the same.”
“FireNine is a load of jackasses. I went on tour with them once, and they treated those girls like they were nothing… like they were objects.”
“And when was this?” I ask, pursing my lips.
“Couple of years ago…” He sips his beer. “When they first started.”
I roll my eyes. “Exactly. When they first started. Gage Grendel is now married, Deed has a girlfriend he’s been with for a few years, and Montana has actually calmed down on messing around with tons of women. They’re not all the same. They all have unique personalities.”
Who I Am (FireNine) Page 20