Aye, I am a Fairy

by Dani Haviland

  Leah was now spewing questions and comments rapidly, almost on top of one another. She paused when she saw the two men staring at her. “Why are you two looking at me like that? I’m fine, really I am,” she said, finally back to her normal tone and pace.

  Billy pulled his shoulders back, glanced at James, and then answered only one of her questions. “Uh, yeah, a drink. I have cold water, tea, and beer in the fridge. What’s your poison?” Billy asked, looking first at Leah, then at James, and then back at her.

  “Well, if I marry an Englishman, I’d better start getting used to drinking tea, right, dear?” she whispered as she batted her eyelashes at James and grinned. Then she poked him in the belly with her index finger, taking him by surprise, and announced in a perky voice, “Let’s drink over there in the shade, though. It stinks inside.”

  Billy went into his apartment and quickly came out with two beers and a bottle of lemon tea. James hadn’t indicated his preference of liquid refreshment, but Billy was sure that after Leah’s little surprise remark about marriage, a beer—or six—was in order for his new friend.

  *18 Peter Anthony

  The three of them drank their brews in the shade, enjoying the comfortable silence—the men lying sideways on the lawn, peeling the labels from their bottles of beer, and Leah, back against the Sumac tree, an all-knowing grin spread across her face—a little she-Buddha without the belly. Letting out long, contented sighs, she looked to be at peace, nothing like the panicked little girl in the kitchen ten minutes earlier. She gazed out, not looking at anything, but instead looking beyond everything—beyond the buildings, the parking lot, up through the clouds, to the emptiness out further still.

  The men had finished their beers, and Billy was just about to ask James if he wanted—or needed—another one, when he saw a man in a straw hat carrying a briefcase approach the front door of Leah’s apartment. He jumped up and shouted, “We’ll be right there,” to the man in the lightweight, pale blue seersucker suit.

  “Looks like we had a little barbecue that got out of control,” the stranger joked as Billy approached him. He was young, blonde, and had an athletic build. The suit fit him well as far as cut went, but he looked as if he should be barefoot, in a Speedo on a swimming team, rather than shod, in a three-piece suit, carrying an attaché case.

  “Hi, Peter Anthony, and I’m here to do the on-site assessment and,” he patted the side of his briefcase, “disbursement of funds for the losses and inconvenience. Is that Ms. Madigan?” he asked, as he looked at Leah coming up the concrete sidewalk. James was walking one step behind her, looking intently at, and sizing up, the new man in the neighborhood.

  “Peter Anthony, at your service,” he said, and took a step forward, offering his hand. Leah shook hands with him, then pulled back, moving softly and securely into James’s body, her new comfort zone. “Now, was there a police report on this? What I have in my notes is that this was a case of arson and incidental damage to your,” he looked at Billy and bit his bottom lip, “apartment. William Burke, is it?”

  “No,” grinned Billy, “just Billy Burke. No Billy Bob or Billy Jo, just Billy Burke.”

  The insurance man chuckled. “Okay, just Billy Burke, do you happen to have a copy of the police report?”

  “Yes, I do. Let’s go inside. It still stinks in there, but at least it’s cool. Would you like a beer? We have iced tea and cold water, too.” Billy, excited at meeting the new, good-looking blonde, practically bounced as he led the way into his apartment.

  It was obvious to Leah and James that the attraction was shared between the two men. “Oh, you’re a police officer,” Peter had drawled when he saw that Billy was the one who had filed the report. “That’s such a dangerous and exciting job. I’ll bet you have lots of interesting stories to tell,” he said, actually batting his eyelashes at Billy with his last remark.

  “Yes, there’s somebody for everyone,” James said softly under his breath at seeing the giddiness that was overwhelming the two new acquaintances. It also appeared that Leah was getting a contact high from the friskiness the two men were barely holding in check. She looked up and smiled at James, then turned into his chest and rubbed her nose into it. His flesh tingled in response. Oh, to hell with math problems—let her look.

  Leah and Billy got checks, business cards, and a hearty handshake out of Peter before he left. “If there is anything else you need, don’t hesitate to call. I think we found everything, but if there are any other losses that weren’t itemized, let me know. I’ll be glad to rectify any oversights.”

  Leah snorted at the word ‘rectify,’ and James elbowed her to get her to hush. But Peter hadn’t noticed. He had eyes only for Billy. James noticed that the business card Peter had given Billy had handwriting on the back. He sighed at the righteousness of the situation. He was taking Leah from Billy, but the way of the world had put Peter in his life. It looked like Billy wouldn’t be lonely.

  Leah reflected his feelings verbally—evidently she had been thinking the same thing. “You know, God has a way of making everything right. I’ll be leaving with you and, up until an hour ago, it looked as if Billy would be left alone. But see, God has it all under control. Peter seems like a nice man. It’s not often you meet a nice man who’s a hunk, too.” Leah looked up at James, reached up and felt his biceps, and cooed, “Ooh, nice,” then put her hand on his shoulder and placed a soft—almost, but not quite sisterly—kiss on his shocked lips, “Nice.” She knocked some soot off of the front of her sundress and returned to the business at hand: clean up.

  “You know, I’ll bet I can take some of this money,” she said, and waved the check in the air, “and hire someone to take care of this mess. The carpet, walls, cabinets, and all of that are the responsibility of that greedy so and so landlord. Doesn’t the Salvation Army have a list of people looking for odd jobs? Billy…hey, Billy, I’m talking to you. James doesn’t know anyone around here ‘cept you and me.”

  “Oh, don’t worry; I’ll take care of it. I know the man who’s in charge of the halfway house. Those guys need work and like getting out, even if it is to a hot, smoky apartment.” Billy sighed at what appeared to be nothing, but James and Leah knew what it was: he was in lust.

  All of a sudden, Billy frowned. “Leah, why do you want two guns? You’re not going to go out and do something stupid, are you?”

  “No, nothing stupid; but if I said it was for protection, you’d tell me no, that I’d just be asking for trouble. James and I are going…um…on a camping trip, and I want something in case a bear or mountain lion or something attacks us. I think we should both have one, but he isn’t a citizen. Hey, when we’re married, he’ll be a citizen by default because I am, right?”

  “You weren’t joking were you?” asked Billy.

  “Um, about what? I don’t recall making any jokes, dumb or otherwise, at least in the last hour or two.” Leah said with a mischievous smile.

  Billy looked over at James who was beaming as if it had just been confirmed that he had both won the lottery and found the cure for cancer. Billy shook his head at Leah. “You have known this man for what, 24 hours, and you’re going to marry him?” James lost his smile at the remark. Billy continued, “Well, if it was anyone other than this Limey here, I’d arrest him on something just to keep him away from you, then tie you up and stash you in the closet until you came to your senses. But,” he dragged out the anticipation, “I think you two will do fine together. If ever two people just seemed right for each other from the get go, it’s you two. Oh, and yes, he’ll be an American citizen, or at least have dual citizenship, if he marries you. Now, tell me you aren’t going to marry him just so he can have a gun permit.”

  “Nope, not for the gun permit and not for all the money he has—which from what I understand, there’s quite a bit of—but no,” Leah said, shaking her head and grinning, “that’s not why.”

  James squirmed with discomfort at the mention of money—he’d been that route with a woman. Leah didn
’t seem the type, but he could be wrong. He’d been wrong before.

  “I had an epiphany,” Leah said with pride. “I was freaked out, and then all of a sudden, it was clear. I didn’t need to worry about anything, James will take care of me and any problems that come my, our, way. It was as if my life had been fuzzy, like I had had Vaseline in my eyes. Now all is clear and fresh and bright and, well, just wonderful. Any problems we may have being married can be overcome, I’m sure.”

  James and Billy shared a look when she stressed the word ‘problems’ with just a bit of irony. Evidently, she still wanted James even if he was gay. James stayed stoic for the rest of the revelation, but Billy had to cover his mouth and pretend to cough in order to hide a chuckle. Oh, she had a big surprise coming if she—when she—decided to consummate the marriage. A big, happy surprise.

  *19 Safe, I Do’s, and a Truck

  “Now where’s that safe?” Billy asked, as he made his way toward the bedroom. “I’ll load it into the back of your car for you.” He kicked aside a pile of molten no-longer-identifiable plastic. “Man, there’s sure a lot of crap around here. Sorry ‘bout that Leah, but I swear you didn’t have this much stuff before the fire. If I didn’t know better, I’d swear that someone came in and dropped off their garbage in here. There’s more trash than the dumpster can handle, that’s for sure.”

  Leah grabbed the broom out of the closet and used it to knock around some of the piles of burnt clothing and shoes. The thieves had actually yanked out all the cleaning supplies and the vacuum, looking for their treasure. The broom hit the once tan, but now smoke-streaked gray, fireproof safe. “Here it is,” she called out.

  Billy squatted down in front of the blackened and blistered box, and inspected the lock. He rubbed his thumb across the stark flash marks at the keyhole where the bandits had used a torch to try to open it. “They didn’t hurt it. These were built to be fire resistant, so the propane torch didn’t faze it.” Billy tilted it forward to get his hands under it, then it fell back on his fingers. “Dang! That sucker’s heavy!”

  “Here, let me show you a trick,” James said. “Hand me the broom, would you, Leah?” He tipped the top of the safe back, then shoved the broom handle under the front of it, making room for his fingers underneath. He was crouched in front of it, ready to pull it to him and lift, when she screeched.

  “Wait!” She snatched the rag from Billy’s pants pocket. “Get up,” she ordered.

  James stood up and stepped back, and Leah moved in to wipe the heavy soot and peeled paint from the safe. “We don’t want you to get filthy, now, do we? We still have lots to do. I don’t want to have to wash laundry, too.” She stepped back, then nodded to let him know he could proceed.

  “Do you need some help there?” Billy asked, a bit chagrined that James had hefted the safe with such ease.

  “You can make sure nothing’s in my way and open the boot. I can’t see my feet.”

  Leah sang out, “I’ll get the trunk,” and rushed ahead to the car. She fidgeted with her keyring to find the right button to unlock the trunk, popped it open, and froze.

  “Excuse me,” James said, standing behind her, holding the safe, which seemed to be getting heavier by the second. He repeated himself, but Leah still didn’t move out of the way. “Is there a problem?” he asked loudly. “Hello? Hello?”

  “Oh, oh,” she stammered, coming to her senses. She huffed as she tried to compose herself, but stayed where she was, facing the contents of the trunk. “No, no problem, it’s just this.” She picked up the little beige plastic bin and turned around to show it to James. It held the green calico dress and ivory-colored silk handkerchief her mother had left behind when she was kidnapped from the hospital. Leah moved aside as if in a trance, allowing James to put the safe down.

  “What is it?” James asked, as he brushed the ashy dust off of his hands.

  Leah looked up at him, then around and behind him. She wanted to make sure they were alone. Billy hadn’t followed them; he was still back at the apartment.

  “This is the dress my mother was wearing when she came back. And the hankie she had. I was going to have Abby down at the crime lab test it to see if she could match it with the DNA from my mother’s hairbrush, the one she had left here last fall. Except the hairbrush was still in the apartment, and I think it’s too crispy to check now.”

  “Well…” He sighed loudly, paused, then spoke softly, “We don’t need to prove anything to anyone now, do we? We—you and I—know it was her, and no one else needs to be in on it. Besides, anyone else would just think we’d sniffed or smoked something illegal, or gone completely insane. Now, are you going to be okay?”

  “Yes,” she said proudly, suddenly snapping out of her momentary funk. “I just remembered, I am not allowed to freak out, panic, or worry about anything. I have someone to take care of me—and everything or anything that comes my way. And the good news is, my purse is back here, too. I won’t have to get another drivers license. I also have my debit card, so I won’t have to ask you for any more money.”

  Leah placed her hand on the back of James’s arm, “Come on. Let’s go back inside. Billy’s probably wondering what happened to us. I’ll leave everything in the car for now. It looks like I have my traveling outfit and won’t have to go shopping for a dress to wear. That’s something else to add to our list, Mister Secretary: clothing for you and shoes for us. Man, I love having a secretary!”

  “And I love having a chauffeur,” James added in the same bright tone.

  Billy came out of his apartment with two huge bags of trash and added them to the existing pile of rubbish. “Looks like you could use a truck there, Billy,” suggested James. He reached into his pocket and took out his two-part keyring with the truck keys. He pulled back on the coupler, separating his half with the little LED flashlight and one set of keys. He held up the other half to Billy. Billy’s hand opened automatically and caught the keys as James dropped them. “The round one is to the door lock and the square-ish one is for the ignition. Do you think you can figure out a push button gearbox, or do you want me to show you?”

  “Whoa, really? That would be awesome! I mean, I’m sure I can figure out how to shift with push buttons.” He let out a low whistle. “That is a fine truck,” and turned around to appreciate the vintage Dodge muscle truck again. “Hey, why don’t you two just go do…um…whatever. I have this,” he used his head to point to Leah’s torn-apart apartment, “under control. Actually, I am getting paid for this. It’s still an arson investigation. Those two creeps who attacked you yesterday knew about the fire, but wouldn’t give us the names of their cohorts. Too bad I couldn’t use a little of this on them,” he said, and lifted the end of the rubber water hose on the grass with his foot.

  “Uh,” Leah’s eyes widened at the suggestion of violence and coerced information. James looked at Billy and shook his head rapidly, but Billy had already seen the result of his gaffe.

  “Just kidding,” he said, hoping she would believe him. “Hey, I think you’d better get out of the sun. You’re looking a little ragged. James, why don’t you take her to a nice, cool restaurant for an early dinner?”

  “Come on, sweetheart,” James said, as he put his arm around her shoulders, “I’ll treat and you drive.” He gave her a big-brotherly kiss on the top of her head, then looked up to see Billy grinning at the two of them. “Thanks for everything, Billy. I don’t know how she—we—could have handled it without you.”

  “I’m glad I could help. You know, to protect and to serve… Just go have a nice evening, and have a piece of pie for me, hear?” he said and waved them good-bye.

  *20 A Birth Certificate Needed

  James held the car door open for Leah, then walked around and got in. He took his pen and the folded up motel stationery notebook from his shirt pocket and rattled off his notes, transcribing on his thigh-top desk as he enumerated, “Shoes-Leah, me; clothes-me; backpack-Leah, IV stuff-Leah, guns-me…”

  Leah cut i
n excitedly. “Hey, you forgot to put down that we have to get married! I’m pretty sure there’s a waiting period for both that and the guns. We should probably get hitched first, though, because I don’t think it takes as long. It’s still early; maybe we can make it to the courthouse before they close.” She took a breath, then continued rapidly, “Let’s see; my birth certificate is in the safe; I’ll need that. I’m sure you’ll need your divorce papers, too. Hmm, I don’t know how the rest of this’ll work since you’re not a US citizen. Maybe I should call first and see what we need. They might get kind of fussy about that part.”

  “Slow down a bit,” James said. Leah took her foot off the gas and lightly touched the brake. “No, not literally,” he clarified, and she came back up to speed. “Let’s go back to the motel first and get your birth certificate and anything else you need out of the safe. I’ll call my solicitor and have him fax a copy of the divorce papers there. I’m sure the motel has a fax machine. This way we can have everything we need before we go, okay?”

  “Yes, dear,” she replied contentedly. “I’ll let you take care of everything. Just let me know what you want me to do.”

  James didn’t say a word, only nodded. Could he have really hypnotized her when she was in that stunned state less than an hour ago? She was certainly agreeable to anything he said or wanted, both voiced and tacit. Time would tell if the power of suggestion wore off or not. He was willing to wait and see. They still had a journey to make. A journey back in time sounded crazy, but doing it with her as his wife seemed a lot more logical. She was cute, smart, and perky, and now he’d have someone to list as beneficiary and heir to his estate if they did decide to come back.

  The two returned to the motel room and its cool but stale air in a comfortable silence. James set the safe on the floor, not sure that the motel’s flimsy, general-purpose table would support its weight. The lock hadn’t been damaged by the fire, and its key was still on her big brass keyring. It was time for the lady to investigate.