Ashes And Spirit (Book 3)

by A. D. Trosper

  Taking another steadying breath she lifted the latch, pushed the door open, and stepped into the room.

  Only a few light orbs glowed fitfully, casting deep shadows over the room. No candles burned on the desk. Though scrolls and notes still sprawled across it, just as Anevay had left them, her bondsister wasn’t there. Grief closed around her heart, clogging her throat as tears burned her eyes. Silly. She had known Anevay wouldn’t be here. Still, a part of her couldn’t help hoping. Now the empty room confirmed it.

  Taela shut the door slowly and walked around the desk. She sank into the chair and laid her head on her arms on the small cleared space. A sob broke past her lips as her last hopes to see her bondsister again were dashed and grief welled up to take its place. She gave into it and allowed herself to cry, to say goodbye.

  Even after her sobs subsided, she remained as she was. The silence of the room pressed on her ears. No sounds of mice scrabbling around behind the scrolls disturbed the quiet. Yet something threaded its way through the stillness. Not a sound, something else. A vague sense of a question with undertones of sorrow drifted across her senses.

  Taela lifted her head. Sitting only a few inches from her, Nica gazed at her with his too-many eyes. With a sigh, she sat up and laid the back of her hand on the desk. The spider crawled slowly onto her hand, filling it. His hairy legs tickled the skin of her palm as she lifted him to eye level.

  “Oh, Nica.” Her voice quavered as more tears welled up. “How do I tell you that she isn’t coming back? That you’re stuck with just me now and it isn’t fair. Anevay was the sweet one, the patient one, the one who never lost her temper. It should have been me who died. Not her.”

  With her other hand, Taela pulled a handkerchief from the pocket of her pants and wiped her nose. As she laid it down, she regarded the spider. Maleena had communicated mentally with Nica before when she first found him. Perhaps that would work now.

  Reliving the pain of the moment, Taela drew up the memories of Anevay’s death, allowing the images to flow through her mind to the spider. A sense of shared grief was returned, along with dim, unfocused images of Anevay carrying him around on her shoulder while she searched for scrolls. Of sitting through the turning of the night in the candlelight while Anevay worked and occasionally talked to him. Mixed with the grief was a sense of love.

  Taela gave the spider a watery smile. “I miss her too.” She sent her understanding to the arachnid and returned him to the desktop. “Let me get some candles lit and then maybe we can make sense of what Anevay was trying to do here.”

  Using the flint on a shelf, Taela set fire to a ball of kindling in a deep iron basin. She lit two tapers before it went out. Using them, she moved around the room lighting the others. All but the one nearest the chair on the desk. Instead, she grabbed another holder and set the taper in her hand into it. Taela placed it on the desk next to the half-burned candle. “We’ll leave that one in memory of her. This will always feel like her room.”

  Nica settled between the two candles, one new and burning, one half-burned and cold. The spider watched her as she pulled the notes closer and began to read. As the next few hours passed, the spider remained on the desk. Taela wasn’t sure if the spider needed her company or if she needed his, but she was happy to have it either way.

  The sharp tang of fresh tar filled the cold air as Kellinar stood on the dock watching the boats. Weaves of magic flowed through the sky as the Weather mages on the boats worked the still air up to fill the sails. He closed his eyes to the sight and took a deep breath, enjoying the familiar sounds and smells as he slowly rubbed the smooth, rounded rock in his hand with his thumb.

  He’d walked most of the city before making his way down to the massive bay. Kellinar didn’t even try to lie to himself about why he wasn’t at the hold. He could admit he was avoiding it and even though he had sensed Taela’s anguish for well over an hour, he couldn’t bring himself to walk through those doors and into the Great Hall.

  Kellinar opened his eyes and gazed at the bay rippling in the gentle mage-made breeze. The bright sunlight danced across the water. Near the dock, a large fish broke the surface with a splash.

  The world hadn’t stopped. The fish continued to live out their lives, the strident cries of seagulls still filled the air. The boats still set out each day just as they always had. Galdrilene remained the busy and industrious city it was. Kellinar had tried to hide from it, had stayed as busy as he could to avoid it. Now it all stared back at him, sympathetic yet unyielding to his pain. The people had already mourned the loss of beloved members in their society in the months he was gone. And now life moved on. The sun and moon maintained their rhythm, life came and went.

  Only his world had stopped. No, that wasn’t completely true. Taela’s world had stopped too. Their world remained in a holding pattern, waiting for them to say goodbye, waiting for them to step forward and begin the rest of their many years of life without two pieces of their hearts and souls—Anevay and Latia.

  Kellinar glanced up toward Galdrilene and felt a flash of anger and envy at their ability to heal from their loss while he still struggled. The world should have stopped. It should have stopped and stayed that way until he could face it again. But no amount of magic could make it do that.

  He stared down at the rock in his hand and bounced it on his palm a couple of times. Oksana would pay with her life for what she’d done. He couldn’t single her out or purposely hunt her down. Either of those things would put others in danger, and he wasn’t about to be the cause of another lost life. But if ever that woman and he came face to face, she would die.

  He sensed Shryden reaching out to him and acknowledging his desire with approval. Kellinar sighed with relief. It was good to know he was getting enough of his senses back that the blue was beginning to agree with him again. The dragon had been at odds with him many times these past few months. Mainly because of Kellinar’s anger over the dragon’s refusal to help him hunt down Oksana or to Slide back to Trilene and burn what was left of it to the ground.

  Kellinar took a deep breath and let it out in a long sigh then threw the rock as far as he could out over the water. It landed with a plop and immediately sank from view, leaving only a spreading circle of ripples.

  It was time to go back to the hold. Taela’s sorrow had died back, and she was focused now. Obviously she had worked through something, and he sensed her stepping forward without him. It was time for him to face everything.

  Kellinar turned and started down the dock toward shore. He made it only a few steps before stopping short when he saw the other thing he’d been avoiding standing on the steps to the dock. Dhovara. The Mage Councilor of the Tower of Wind and Water, his former teacher, and Anevay’s aunt.

  Sadness dwelled in the depths of her eyes even though she smiled at him, her bright white teeth a sharp contrast to her dark skin. She walked down the dock, her bare feet silent on the damp boards, and her hips swaying slightly as the floating structure moved with the water underneath it.

  “Kellinar, it is good to see you once again.” She stopped and crossed her arms under her breasts. “I was beginning to fear I would never see you. Was it everything you avoided, or just me?”

  He smiled sadly. “Everything.”

  “It does no one any good to avoid the truth, Kellinar. It only delays and compounds the pain.” Sympathy filled her expression. “Death is never an easy thing to take, and Galdrilene’s loss was tremendous. Although I do have to say, Mckale and Maleena have really stepped into the emptiness left by Bardeck and Emallya.” She cocked her head slightly and eyed him. “Galdrilene has found healing, but I do not think you have yet. Why? What keeps you from finding peace?”

  Kellinar scowled. “How can you even ask that? Fates be damned, Dhovara. It’s my fault Anevay is dead. It’s my fault Emallya and Bardeck are dead. The whole shadow-blasted thing is my fault!” The echo of his shout floated across the water.

  Dhovara’s expression slowly changed to ange
r as she listened to him. “Your fault? How dare you belittle Anevay in such a way.” Although she didn’t raise her voice it shook with outrage.

  “Belittle her?” Taken aback, he looked at her in total confusion. “How have I belittled Anevay?”

  Dhovara moved until she was nearly toe to toe with him, her dark eyes flashing as she jabbed a finger into his chest. “Anevay was a strong and independent young woman. She may have been sweet and slow to anger but that did not make her weak!”

  Kellinar backed up a step. “I know it didn’t! She was my bondmate, only Latia knew her better than me. I know exactly how strong and independent she was.”

  Dhovara moved forward a step. “Then why do you try to take it from her? Why do you try to strip her honor from her?”

  “I’m not. What in the name of the Fates are you talking about, Dhovara?”

  “Anevay was strong; she did not need you to make her decisions for her. She was quite capable of deciding a course of action without her bondmate to guide her.”

  “I know that!” He took another step back.

  “And yet you would take that away from her by insisting it was your fault!” She stepped forward again. “Anevay was her own person. It was her choice to stay and fight that battle. It was her honor to enter that fight no matter the outcome. And I know that even if she had known how it was going to end, she would have fought anyway. Latia would have fought anyway. Neither of them would have abandoned you to battle in order to save their own hides.” Dhovara’s voice rose as she continued to punctuate each word with a jab of her finger. “You will not take her honor by taking the blame on your own shoulders. You will not sully her memory by claiming rights to her decisions!”

  “She would never have had to decide whether or not to fight if I hadn’t been so quick to start a war in Trilene! If not for me, there wouldn’t have been a battle for her to fight in, no battle for her to die in!” He was yelling back now and didn’t care. “No battle for Emallya and Bardeck or the Mallay people to die in!”

  “Now you take the extraordinary strength and honor of the people of the Mallay?” Her brows were drawn so tight they nearly touched, and her dark eyes were filled with fire. “Now you make all of their choices for them too?”

  “No, I didn’t say that!” He ran a hand over the tight braids on his head in frustrated anger. “I didn’t decide it, but I’m the one that started the whole flaming thing.”

  Dhovara shook her head. “You want someone to blame, Kellinar, but the truth is there is no one. Not even yourself. You could not start a war by yourself. You are a great and powerful man, Kellinar, but you are not that great and powerful.” Her expression softened. “The people of the Mallay, the New Sharrens, decided to go to war with their leaders in order to gain their own freedom. You did not decide this for them. They found their own courage, their own self-worth, their own strength, and they decided something for themselves for the first time in hundreds of years. Do not take the honor of that decision from them.”

  Kellinar stared at her as his anger ebbed away and confusion took its place. Was it really as she said? Had none of it ever been on his shoulders? Was the blood spilled that day really not on his hands? He thought back over the events leading up to the battle. Kellinar had never told anyone they had to go to war. He had tried to get Anevay to go home and work on her spell, and she had refused.

  Dhovara gently laid her hand on his cheek. “All decisions have repercussions, Kellinar. Some good, some bad, but each person is responsible for their own choices, no matter how it turns out. Never try to take that from them by assuming you had the power to make those decisions for them.”

  She patted his check lightly and smiled at him, her dark eyes crinkling at the corners, before turning and walking away. She glanced back before starting up the steps. “Come and see me when you have had time to understand what I said.”

  Kellinar stood there, a storm of confused emotions rolling through him, as he watched her leave. Dhovara had repeated nearly word for word what Shryden had said to him in New Sharren. When she disappeared from sight, he looked at the Dragon Hold rising high above him. It was time.

  He climbed the wooden steps up the side of the bay and began the long walk to the Dragon Hold, dreading each step but knowing it had to be done. When Kellinar passed through the massive doors into the Great Hall, he sensed Taela in the records room. Her focus was intense, and her sorrow diminished though not gone.

  He didn’t stop on his way past the little hall that led to the room; he had his own task to confront. Dhovara’s words chased each other around in his mind while he climbed the steps to the second level of the hold.

  The door to his lair loomed in front of him, and he froze as he reached for the latch. Closing his eyes, Kellinar leaned his head against the smooth wood and tried to steel himself for the empty room that waited beyond. Anevay wouldn’t be there, would never be there again.

  With a deep breath, he turned the latch and pushed the door open but didn’t step forward nor did he open his eyes. A completely irrational hope sprang in his chest. Maybe she would be there. Maybe the whole thing had been a nightmare. Maybe…

  Kellinar shook his head at the ridiculous notion and opened his eyes. The room looked just like they had left it when the three of them had departed for Trilene. Guilt stabbed at him when he thought of all the ways he could have dissuaded her. Again, Dhovara’s words rang in his mind, and he knew she was right. The choice hadn’t been his—it was Anevay’s.

  He walked into the room. One of Anevay’s shawls still lay across the back of a chair. Her brush lay next to Taela’s on the table. Kellinar crossed the sleeping chamber and opened the large wardrobe. Anevay’s dresses hung there next to Taela’s dresses and his nicer shirts. Several articles of what she had called practical clothing were still folded on the shelves, stacked neatly along with his and Taela’s.

  It was as if she had never left and the room waited for her to walk in at any moment. The only thing that felt out of place was the pack against the wall that had been on Latia’s saddle. Someone had retrieved it before Latia and Anevay were cremated.

  Kellinar reached up and grabbed a square of the lavender soap Anevay had always used. He held it beneath his nose and closed his eyes slowly, taking in the familiar and heart-wrenching scent as memories of her flooded him.

  “I thought I sensed you come back.”

  Kellinar turned to see Taela standing in the doorway, her red-rimmed eyes evidence of the sorrow he’d felt so strongly from her earlier. He looked down at the soap in his hand. “I had the stupidest hope that she would be here when I opened the door. But she wasn’t of course. Only her things and memories were here.”

  Taela crossed the room and put her arms around him, leaning her head against his shoulder. “I had the same hope when I went into the records room. She wasn’t there either. Anevay and Latia are really gone, and I don’t know if we’ll ever be whole again.” A sad sigh escaped her. “I wish I could talk to Emallya and Bardeck about it, they lost a bondmate, but now they’re gone too. Why didn’t we talk about it before with them? Why do we always think of all the things we want to say or ask after someone dies?”

  Kellinar slid an arm around her and hugged her close. “I don’t know.” His gaze wandered the room as he thought about life without Anevay and for the first time, really thought about Galdrilene without Emallya and Bardeck. Emallya had saved his life in many ways. Throughout everything that was thrown at them, Emallya was there and Bardeck too, leading with their years of knowledge and wisdom.

  Maleena and Mckale were doing their best to take up where the older couple left off, but they didn’t have any more experience than he did, or any of the other first hatchers. For the first time, Kellinar felt that Galdrilene had gone from the solid rock in his life to a drifting ship.

  “Galdrilene is just a place, Kellinar. Home, yes, but a place nonetheless,” came the sending from Shryden. “All places change. I am your rock as you are mine. Galdr
ilene will find the wind again and its sails will fill with air. It will just take time.”

  “Thank you, Shryden, for your wisdom. I don’t think I could have survived this without you.”

  “Of course you couldn’t have. We are one.”

  Kellinar felt a rush of love and gratitude for the dragon as he stepped away from Taela and looked at the open wardrobe. “I think it’s time we clear this out. We can take the clothes to Marda, she’ll know what to do with them. Maybe the Crafts Guild can use the fabric for something.”

  With a heavy sigh, Taela nodded. “I think you are right.” She walked over to the table and ran her fingers across Anevay’s brush, then reached for the shawl on the chair. “I think I will keep her brush and this shawl though. I don’t want to give everything of hers up.”

  He nodded and glanced at the soap in his hand before gently setting it back on the shelf. He would keep that too.

  As the sun slowly sank west of the bay and painted the fall sky in pinks and oranges, they worked to clean everything out, only keeping a few mementos as physical memories of the woman who had left such a hole in their lives.

  The rich smells of the evening meal drifted up the stairs and into the room by the time they finished. Kellinar glanced around. With the help of a few attendants, everything had been carried out. A bracelet, a brush, two shawls, and a bar of soap were the only things that remained to show that Anevay had once lived there. They had even sorted through Anevay’s pack. Taela had lingered over the shawl Anevay had bought the day the news of the armies came in, and in the end, decided to keep it.

  Emotionally exhausted, he put his arm around Taela’s waist as they walked toward the little dining room. Kellinar thanked the Fates that he and Shryden still had Taela and Paki. Kellinar glanced down at her face as she walked beside him. Her beautiful, tilted blue eyes were tired and strained, mirroring what he felt through the bond. He hoped one day soon that he would see her face light up with laughter again.