Jaraels Lioness

by Ja-Rael's Lioness [MF] (lit)

That comment seemed to bring up unpleasant memories. Finally, he smiled, however. “Did you buy something pretty for yourself?” he asked politely.

  Elise supposed she deserved it for making such empty headed comments, but she really didn’t care to be talked to as if she was an empty headed female who never thought about anything but clothes. “No,” she mumbled, resisting the urge to tell him what she’d gone for. “But I enjoyed looking. I didn’t much care for Kloe or Sinata--they’re snobs--but I like Ania.”

  “I’m glad you are making friends.”

  She hadn’t, not exactly anyway, but she supposed she could be friends with Ania. The only problem she could see with it was that she didn’t have any more in common with Ania than she did the others. She just liked Ania better because she wasn’t a mean, spiteful bitch.

  She gave up on trying to hold a conversation then. She was going to have to find some common interests between them or make some by learning more about Ja-rael and his world before they would be able to talk easily about things.

  He’d seemed to enjoy working with her in the yard. She was again tempted to talk to him about her plans, but once more she resisted. She was going to go stark raving mad if she didn’t have something constructive to do with her time and if that something happened to be a thing Ja-rael was going to get angry about she rather thought she’d prefer to face his anger after she’d done what she wanted to do.

  * * * *

  Without really being aware of doing so, Elise found herself watching for Ja-rael the following day while she worked at laying out the beds she’d decided she was going to put in for the flowers she hoped to find. She knew he was supposed to examine Clautz’s cub and she had been absently trying to think of a reasonable excuse for being there when he arrived when one abruptly popped into her mind.

  She needed some sort of border to go around the beds. She could go over and re-introduce herself to Zelia and invite her to go to the market. Generally, the females always traveled as a foursome unless there was a male with them, but Elise was fairly certain Ania would be happy to go and she figured three ought to be enough. If they absolutely insisted on a fourth she would have to invite Kloe, too, but she wasn’t really anxious to develop any sort of friendship with that one--even if it was possible.

  After cleaning up, she headed over to the neighboring residence and rapped on the door. Zelia seemed a little taken aback by her boldness but politely invited her in. They were seated in the spacious living area struggling for conversation when Ja-rael arrived.

  Elise pretended to be surprised. In point of fact, she felt downright breathless about her deception and fearful that Ja-rael would instantly figure it out. She was fairly convinced that allowing him to know how desperate she was for his attention wasn’t going to get her anywhere. Anything hard to get was always far more desirable than something that just fell in one’s lap like an overripe piece of fruit.

  She was just about ready to do so--or seduce him--or rape him if it came to that. He might not be having a problem with abstinence, but she was beginning to think her brain was going to fry in its own juices.

  Besides, the intimacy of sharing their bodies had been the one thing they absolutely enjoyed about each other from the first. It could be the stepping stone she needed to bring him around to the conclusion that he didn’t want to live without her.

  He checked when he saw her, but after that momentary pause, entered the room with Clautz, who’d greeted him at the door, and exchanged a few moments of pleasantries before he asked to see the child. Elise knew she was being disproportionately disappointed, but she couldn’t seem to stem the feeling regardless.

  He’d behaved with such excruciating politeness, though, it made her feel like a complete stranger.

  She had the sense that she’d intruded when she shouldn’t have.

  The wail of an infant drew her from her self-absorption and she glanced at Zelia. Zelia smiled faintly. “Sadiem does not particularly care to be examined. He becomes very angry at the poking and prodding.”

  Elise managed a smile in return. “Who can blame the little fellow? I never much liked it myself.” She studied her hands for a moment. “I suppose I should be going. I’ve taken up enough of your time.”

  “Would you like to see him?”

  Elise looked up in surprise, then realized Zelia was referring to the infant.

  “He is very ugly, but Ja-rael seems to think he will grow out of it and be quite handsome in time.”

  Elise bit her lip to keep from smiling. She was torn. Zelia didn’t seem to really expect her to want to see the child, but she might be insulted if Elise expressed no interest. On the other hand, Ja-rael had already made her feel like she was trying to nose into his business. If she appeared in the nursery what other conclusion could he make?

  Irritation surfaced. She wasn’t going to be impolite only because she was afraid of displeasing Ja-rael. She smiled with an effort. “I’d love to!”

  Zelia seemed a little disconcerted, but gestured toward the hallway that bisected the house. “It is the second room.”

  Elise was disconcerted then. She’d expected Zelia to escort her. Smiling again, nervously, she rose and followed the wailing down the hallway to a door that stood ajar. She could hear Ja-rael speaking softly to the infant and after nerving herself, she peered around the corner just as Ja-rael chuckled.

  The sound startled her so she almost lost her balance. The sight that greeted her, however, held her transfixed. Ja-rael had just lifted the baby from its crib. “You have very good lungs, Sadiem--and a very bad temper!”

  The infant continued to wail and after a moment, Ja-rael carefully placed the tiny baby against his shoulder, cupping one hand around his bobbing head and rubbing his back soothingly. “Shh, little one! I am done for today. I promise.”

  Elise didn’t know whether to be more amazed by the way he held the infant or the fact that the infant responded to the soothing sounds of his voice and began to grow quiet. She wasn’t certain how long she stood rooted to the spot as it slowly filtered through her mind why all of the children adored Ja-rael--that it was because he loved them, but it seemed an awful short time for her whole world to collapse around her. A hard knot formed in her throat. Tears pooled in her eyes.

  Sensing that Ja-rael was about to turn to walk with the infant, she ducked back behind the wall and moved as quickly and quietly toward the living room as she could. Zelia merely gaped at her as she flew past the door to the living area, throwing up a hand to wave good-bye. Or perhaps it was just an impression, for she was too blinded by tears to actually see.

  She didn’t care either. Let Zelia think she was rude and strange.

  It took every effort she could muster to keep from running as fast as she could, to force herself to maintain a sedate walk. Ja-rael’s house looked impossibly far away and she had a bad feeling she wasn’t going to be able to act unconcerned long enough to reach it.

  She was shaking by the time she reached the house and gratefully closed the door behind her. Her chest felt so tight she had to struggle for breath. Pushing away from the door she fled to the bedroom and closed the door behind her and then pushed every piece of furniture she could move against the door.

  She was hardly aware of what she was doing. All she could think of was that she could not bear to look at Ja-rael at the moment and, more importantly, she couldn’t bear to have him look at her.

  Dry eyed, she sat on the edge of the bed, her arms wrapped around her, rocking herself mindlessly.

  How could she have been so stupid? So blind? Ja-rael had desperately wanted a mate--a mate! And all that that implied. She had been so focused on what she wanted that she’d been blind and deaf and dumb to what he’d been trying to tell her.

  He couldn’t make ‘do’ with her. She wasn’t suitable at all.

  Chapter Twenty Four

  Elise didn’t cry. It was almost worse that she discovered she couldn’t, because all she could do was hold the pain inside. Up
until the very moment she’d finally completely understood Ja-rael, she’d told herself that she admired him, lusted for him, respected him, even felt affection for him.

  She’d lied to herself.

  She loved him.

  She realized something else she’d never fully understood before, too.

  Love defied reason. She shouldn’t feel it. She knew she shouldn’t, because as sweet, and sexy and wonderful as Ja-rael was, she’d known others she could have said the same thing about and she hadn’t loved them. It didn’t make her hurt clear down to her soul to think about hurting them, disappointing them.

  She was so very, very sorry now that she had practically slapped Ja-rael in the face with the fact that they weren’t even the same species and probably couldn’t reproduce. He might have figured it out eventually, but he might not have. Maybe by that time he would’ve loved her too much for it to matter to him--or maybe not.

  She pushed those thoughts aside. She couldn’t change what was already done. She couldn’t even change who and what she was. What could she change? Anything? Was the situation as hopeless as it felt like it was? Or was she just too upset to think at all clearly?

  The latter was certainly true, but she couldn’t find the inner peace to reflect calmly. After a while she got up and began to pace the room mindlessly. She couldn’t think. It was almost as if her thoughts had been so chaotic they had simply shut down and left her on autopilot.

  Finally, she moved to the door and listened. When she heard nothing to suggest that Ja-rael was in the house, she returned the furniture to their original positions and went in to the facilities to take a long, hot soak. The heat of the water should have soothed her. Instead, she felt more wired when she finally managed to drag herself out.

  Throwing on one of the outfits she thought of as ‘everyday’ wear, she went outside and tortured the yard until she was too exhausted to dig up anything else. By the time she’d bathed again she was so weary from her labors and the unaccustomed emotional upheaval that it was all she could do even to make it to the bed and collapse into blissful unconsciousness.

  She was vaguely aware that Ja-rael came into the room at some point and spoke to her, but she made no attempt to surface enough to respond and he soon went away again.

  By the time she woke the following day at sunrise, she’d resolved that she had been interfering in Ja-rael’s life when she had no right to. She had resolved--sort of--to simply keep her distance and hope she was wrong about the way she felt about him.

  Zelia had turned down the invitation for an outing saying that she was still too delicate from the birthing to consider such a long walk. At the time, Elise had simply made up her mind to ask the others, but now she found she didn’t really care.

  She spent most of the day trying to put the yard back the way it had been and mostly only succeeded in making it look worse. That evening, long before the time when Ja-rael might arrive, she ate a solitary meal, bathed and went into the bedroom and pushed the chest against the door.

  She was still awake when he came in. She sat in the middle of the bed, listening as he moved around the house and finally arrived at her door. He pushed on it. Apparently surprised when it didn’t open he hesitated for a few moments and finally tapped on the panel.

  Elise held her breath and remained perfectly still. Her shoulders slumped when he left again.

  The urge to cry settled like an iron weight on her chest. This time she refused even to consider giving in to it. If she did, she would be wailing worse than the infant, and Ja-rael was liable to demand to know why.

  The urge vanished after a while. The weight on her chest didn’t.

  About halfway through the following day, while Elise was busy trying to repair the damage to Ja-rael’s lawn and rehashing in her mind every single thing that had transpired between them, she suddenly recalled a dim memory that she had not fully understood at the time and had therefore carelessly discarded. The night he’d taken her, tricked her into going with him, she’d been delirious with desire for him and hadn’t been able to think beyond her needs. When she’d led him to her quarters, he’d said, “I am as bound to you as you are to me. There will not be another for me.”

  She paused abruptly with the tool she’d been using to dig hovering in mid-air, connecting what he’d said then with something Ania had told her the day they had gone to the market.

  They’d seen an elderly male selling beaded jewelry from a tiny, run down stall at one end. Ania had lingered there for some time, studying the work and had finally purchased several. Elise had thought the workmanship poor and the colors even less appealing, but she hadn’t said anything.

  “Poor dear old thing,” Ania had murmured when they’d left.

  “You know him?”

  “I know of him. He lost his mate two years ago. And now he is lost and it breaks my heart.”

  It was sweet, but Elise wondered at so much feeling for a male she hardly knew.

  “I think of my father when I see him. My mother died when I was born, you see. She was far too old to bear young, but she had been mated late in her life and she did it to please him. I asked him once when I was young why he did not find another mate. I loved him, but I wanted a mother, you see. He told me when I grew up I would understand that the Meeri males mate for life.”

  Elise sighed. “That’s--a wonderful custom, but isn’t it a little hard on those who find themselves alone?”

  “It isn’t just a custom for us. We are bound once we mate, heart and soul. We can not break the bounds. It isn’t just that we don’t wish to.

  “I couldn’t help but notice that you felt threatened when I spoke of Ja-rael--and I realized that it must not be the same among your people--but I am bound to Mazel. I could not break the tie if I wanted to and I have no desire to do so.”

  Blinking, Elise stared at the tool in her hand for several moments, wondering how long she’d been sitting in the same spot, simply staring at the trowel in her hand.

  It wasn’t just something Ja-rael had said in the heat of the moment, meaningless words to seduce her. Their joining had created an invisible, chemical bond that he would not be able to break and when he took her back to Tor, he would be giving up any chance for a mate and the family he wanted.

  She rubbed her aching head, wondering what to do. She’d thought she would be doing what was best for him by honoring his wishes and keeping her distance. Was it best for him, though? Would it be better to deprive him even of companionship?

  But maybe it would not be the same because she was not the same? Maybe he wouldn’t be bound as he thought and he would be able to find another mate?

  And maybe not. Either way, if she left without a fight, she would never know.

  But was she just convincing herself that what she wanted was what was best for him?

  And what of the family he wanted? If ever an individual possessed the best of qualities for becoming a parent, and deserved the chance, Ja-rael did. How much could she love him to deprive him of any possibility of it?

  But would she be?

  The only way to know was to try.

  She rejected the idea the moment it popped into her mind, but it kept coming back, like an annoying insect, buzzing around her head, disappearing for a few moments when she shooed it away and then coming right back.

  She didn’t know they weren’t compatible breeders. Surely, either they were or they weren’t and that was the only thing she need worry about?

  She could try. If they weren’t compatible and she wasn’t impregnated, he need never know. She could leave and hope that he would have another chance.

  It grew darker and darker while she sat beside the bed she’d dug and was now trying to fill back in. Finally, she got up and went inside to bathe. She never consciously made a decision. She simply disengaged her birth control devise and when she was done she set about laying a trap to seduce Ja-rael.

  Chapter Twenty Five

  Elise knew she was at the peak of her f
ertility period by the marker on her devise. If she played her cards right, she would know soon enough if there was any hope that she could make Ja-rael happy. It flitted through her mind that she was playing a dangerous game, but she ignored it. Thoughts swarmed again, teasing at her, questioning her motives and again she chased them away.

  She loved Ja-rael. What she had in mind could not hurt anyone. What harm could there be in trying?

  Dismissing her qualms, she bathed and scented her skin with the oils Ja-rael had bought for her. When she’d finished, she went into the bedroom and selected the most alluring of all the outfits that Ja-rael had bought for her. She’d never worn it. The robe was a deep jewel green and made of materials so fine it was almost as if she wore nothing at all. The neckline plunged deeply almost to her waist where the robe tied with a matching sash. The trousers that went with it were identical in color but a pattern of fragile vines and tiny flowers had been woven into it. When she’d finished primping, she tied a cloth over it to protect the delicate fabric from soiling and went into the cooking area to prepare a meal.

  She’d just begun to think that Ja-rael would disappoint her by coming in late when she heard him at the door. Relief flooded her and at the same time her nerves drew up into a hard knot of anxiety. Her fingers shook as she quickly pulled the cloth off that she’d used to protect her clothing and hid it in a cabinet. Taking several deep, relaxing breaths, she began to set the table and set out the food she’d prepared.

  She jumped guiltily when she looked up at last from her task and saw Ja-rael standing in the doorway. A wave of desire struck her like a physical blow, sending her senses reeling. Elise’s hands clenched on the edge of the table while she fought the drugging dizziness and heat that washed through her. With a touch of despair she realized she could not control it, she could only be controlled by it. Without quite realizing it, she drifted toward him as if he’d summoned her.

  He had. His desire was a primitive call to the primal instincts within her. She paused when she reached him, struggling to resist the urge to stroke his skin, to rub against him and feel his heat and scent engulfing her. It was important that he make the first move. She couldn’t recall why, but she held onto that thought, waiting to see if he would withdraw from her again.