Loving Noah

by Kenna Knight

  I smile and respond, “Yes, you will, and I plan on kissing those lips.”

  Another picture of a close-up of his mouth appears on my screen. This time it’s a perfect row of white teeth smiling at me. I hold up my phone to Abe who was just released from an epic romantic kiss with Theo. “Ben,” I yell.

  “Well, that’s something,” he yells back.

  I send him a quick text thanking him for the pictures and let him know that I’ll talk to him tomorrow. I nudge Bianca and nod toward the guy she’s been dancing with all night. “You taking your boy-toy home with you?”

  She shakes her head and cups her hand to my ear. “Nah, I think I’ll pass. I saw his ID when he paid for a drink. It’s fake, he could be sixteen for all I know.”

  Thank you, God, I don’t like it when she takes strangers home to her apartment. I can’t stop her, she’s a grown-ass woman, but that doesn’t mean I don’t worry about my friend.

  “Wanna share an Uber home?” I ask.

  “Thought you’d never ask, let’s get out of here. Hey, boys, we’re taking off, you staying?”

  Theo nods, but Abe doesn’t look so sure. “We can drop you off at your place if you want to go now, Abe,” I offer.

  “Nope, we’re a duo, he stays, I stay,” Abe says. His words resonate with me. All I’ve ever wanted is to be part of a great duo in life. But I always imagined the other half of that duo was Noah. Will my heart ever love another man? I hope so because I want to be able to love Ben.

  9

  Noah (Ben) – I Can Be Normal

  I sent him two pictures, and he didn’t recognize me. I don’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. Liam and I have known each other since we were five. That’s twelve years of looking at my lips. I would recognize his perfect pouty mouth anywhere, but I was always into Liam, but maybe he wasn’t into me the same way.

  No, I will not think like that. He’s coming in a week, and I have a lounge waiting for me by the pool to get to. Today’s the day.

  I’m not waiting until Aunt Kitty is about to come home this time. I think that’s why I haven’t been able to do it, too much pressure. I’m going to go outside, sit for ten minutes and come back in. No one will even know. There will be no expectations, no fanfare when she discovers me and realizes what I’ve done—just a simple out and back in—easy peasy. Not.

  I ran two miles on the treadmill, showered, and finished my work for the day. I can’t procrastinate any longer. It’s time.

  With my eyes closed and my hand on the doorknob, I carefully turn it. Then, like ripping off a Band-Aid, I yank it open and feel a rush of heat hit my face. It feels so fucking good, so much better than I remember heat ever feeling before.

  I stand there and soak it in for a minute before placing my hand on the handle of the screen door. I inhale a deep breath and hold it before I push the door open. My heart feels like it’s going to explode in my chest, and my t-shirt is soaked with sweat—not from the Florida heat but from the severe anxiety I’m experiencing.

  I checked my calendar when I got serious about going outside. It’s been three years since I took a step outside the comfort of Aunt Kitty’s home. Insane is the word that came to mind when I made that realization, and I don’t want Liam to think I’m insane.

  With the door open, I’m only one step away from completing phase one of my plan to concur the backyard. Phase two will be staying outside for five minutes, and phase three will be reclining on the lounge to get some sun on my face. All three phases must be completed this week, so Liam won’t think I’m a freak when he comes to visit.

  I wrangle my panic attack as best as I can, sorting my thoughts and feelings into little mailbox cubbies like the ones at the post office. I slide fear into one, anxiety into another, and nausea into another. It’s a technique my aunt taught me—recognize the feelings and deal with them one at a time, so they are manageable.

  I let out the breath I’ve been holding and surprise myself when I step across the threshold out into the sun. I reach up to shield my eyes and let the screen door rest against my side while I breathe in the first full breath of fresh air I’ve taken in years.

  It feels like the earth is rejuvenating my body and mind one cell at a time with every beat of my heart. I expect my panic to build, but it subsides, instead. Feeling brave, I step away from the door and sit on the lounge. Tears prick the back of my eyes when I look back at the house that I’ve been trying to leave for so long. Finally, I have freed myself from my self-imposed prison. I am living again, and it’s all because of Liam.

  Five minutes later, I slide my phone out of my pocket and snap a few pictures of the pool, the yard, and my feet on the lounge in case I decide to share this pivotal moment with Aunt Kitty or maybe even Liam.

  I stare at my foot selfie and smile. It’s my first selfie in years. I’m not one for self-promotion. When I stopped going outside, it seemed pointless to share my face and my tiny life with anyone else. Who would want to see pasty old me sitting in my bedroom at my desk, anyway?

  I’m glad now that I never associated my face with my online persona. I wouldn’t want Liam to have access to the progression of my fall in life via photographs. It’s embarrassing enough to tell him about my ever-increasing seclusion let alone to have him see me doing it.

  I check my phone. It’s been ten minutes now, my skin is tingling, and my cheeks feel flushed. If I don’t go inside, I’ll end up with one hell of a sunburn. I don’t want to push myself too hard too fast, but it’s beautiful out here. The longer I stay, the more I want to stay. I wish I had brought my camera with me, but I never expected to make it this far in one day.

  I used to specialize in landscape photography, and my finger is itching to shoot any and everything outside. Tomorrow, I’ll do this again, and I will bring my camera.

  “Noah?” I hear a woman’s voice say from the fence that separates our neighbor’s yard from ours. I follow the sound and find Allie, our neighbor’s daughter, holding a garden hose. It looks like she just came from the front yard where she’s been watering plants, and now the hose is hanging limply in her hand while she waters her feet.

  “Noah, is that you? Oh my God, I haven’t seen you outside in… in, forever.”

  I smile and nod. “Yep, it’s me, I decided to brave the big bad world and sit by the pool.”

  If Allie didn’t see me through the picture window in Kitty’s living room regularly, I’m sure she would have thought I moved away. As it is, we wave and smile at each other every day when she visits her elderly parents to help them cook dinner.

  She drops her eyes to her wet shoes and yanks the hose to her side. “Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I did that,” she exclaims.

  “Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you into watering your feet.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m not used to seeing anyone in your yard during the day. How have you been? How’s your aunt?”

  “Kitty’s great, and I am okay, a little better than okay I guess since I’m out here.”

  “That’s wonderful, Noah. I’m so happy for you.”

  “How have you been?”

  “Fine, got a divorce and switched careers at twenty-nine years old but whatever.”

  I groan. “Sorry, the divorce thing sucks, and I don’t know what your old career was. Is the new one better?”

  She laughs. “Yes, it was messy and painful, but it’s over, and I’m moving on. And I used to be in debt collections, and now I’m selling real estate. I love it. Maybe I can sell you a house one day.”

  “Well, I just came outside my aunt’s house for the first time in three years. At this rate, you’ll be in a nursing home by the time I’m ready to move out. Thanks, though. I’m glad you’re happy.”

  “Three years? You haven’t stepped foot outside in three years?” She almost waters her feet again but catches herself this time.

  “Nope.”

  “But, why?”

  “There wasn’t anything out here that I needed.” My answer surpr
ises even me. I never gave it much thought, but it’s true. Life is simpler on the inside. If I can’t deal with something, I don’t have to. All I have to do it shut off the computer and crawl into bed.

  “So what’s changed?”

  I glance away from her at the pool unsure if I want to get into that. “Or should I say who?” she says, and I look back at her. “Ah, love, it’ll make you do crazy things, doesn’t it?” She smiles knowingly, and I shift in my seat.

  “Yeah, well we haven’t met yet so it might not be love, but I like him enough to do this,” I say spreading out my arms.

  “You may not have met him yet, but that’s love, neighbor man, believe me, that is love.”

  God, I hope so.

  I stand up and take a step toward the house. “I should get inside before I burn.”

  “Okidoki, I hope I’ll be seeing you out here again.”

  “You will, I promise.”

  “And maybe you’ll introduce me to your friend when you meet him?”

  “We’ll see,” I say not wanting to make promises I can’t keep.

  “Bye, Noah.”

  “Bye, Allie.”

  I enter the house, and the comfort of being inside and the grief of leaving the outside grip me simultaneously. I don’t know where I’d rather be. Then I feel immense pride at accomplishing my goal for the week in one day.

  I wasn’t sure I wanted to share this with Aunt Kitty before, but now I do. Back in my room, I upload my pictures from my phone and print them out. I pick them up from the printer and immediately head into the kitchen to put them on the refrigerator like a kid with a good test score or a picture I colored at school.

  I don’t care how juvenile it is, she will see them right away. She greets me and grabs a diet Coke from the fridge first thing when she gets home every day.

  When I’m finished taping the pictures up, I also send them to Liam. This is a big deal, and he is the most important person in my life other than my aunt. I want to share my moment of success. Not to mention, I want to prove to Liam that I can be normal.

  10

  Liam – No More Secrets

  “I’m packed and ready to go,” I tell Bianca. She’s been waiting at home to take me to the airport. She didn’t want to come to my place because she says I take longer than a princess to pack. I don’t know how long a princess takes to pack for a trip, but I think I did a pretty good job getting it done in thirty-five minutes.

  My boss gave me most of the vacation time I requested, but he didn’t give me the day I’m traveling off. I had to work all day today, rush home, shower, pack, and feed Billy, the cat.

  For being such a fat cat, he wasn’t thrilled with his dinner. He took one look at it, turned up his nose and strolled away. I suspect he knows something is going on, and he isn’t going to be getting his squishy morning walks on my face or his nightly snuggles on the couch. Finicky doesn’t even come close to describing my cat, he is downright uptight, but I love him for that very reason.

  “Okay, I’m on my way, see you in a few.” In typical Bianca form, she hangs up the phone before I can say goodbye. I grab my bag to set it by the door and check my phone for flight updates and any messages from Ben.

  We have been talking and messaging a lot this week making arrangements and plans for how we will spend our time together. But something keeps nagging at the edge of my mind. Or maybe it’s not one thing but several things. For instance, that picture of his feet, his perfect white teeth, his soothing, familiar voice, and the sense of déjà vu that I just can’t shake.

  I had to make a conscious decision this morning to set the weird feeling aside and see if it goes away when we meet in person. If it doesn’t, I’ll talk about it with him, that’s about all I can do.

  When I check my messages, there are two from him. In the first one, he gives me his address for the third time this week. He’s a worrier and a stickler for details. The second message says, “Can’t wait to see you.”

  I like that he is up front and honest with his feelings for me. He answers my calls on the first ring, returns my text messages within an hour of receiving them, and he has told me repeatedly that he likes me a lot. I like him, too, a lot. Everything with Ben is easy and natural as if our relationship is meant to be.

  I’m typing out a response to his messages when my phone rings, and it’s him.

  “Hey, I was just texting you back, what’s up?”

  “Hi, I just wanted to make sure you have my address.”

  “Ben, you’ve given it to me three times. I’ve got it,” I say smiling to myself.

  “Okay, good, sorry, I just want your trip to go as smooth as possible. You deserve a relaxing vacation. I don’t want it to be a hassle.”

  “Stop worrying, it’s no hassle, and I’ll have a few cocktails on the plane, so I will be well relaxed when I get to your house. Are you sure your aunt is okay with me staying there? I don’t want to impose. I can get a hotel, no problem.”

  “Oh, no you don’t, you’re staying here, and no, she doesn’t mind. In fact, she would be pissed if you didn’t stay with us. She bought new sheets and cleaned the guest room for you, and this is a woman who doesn’t enjoy shopping or cleaning for herself.”

  I chuckle. “Okay, as long as you’re sure.”

  “I am.”

  “How are you, Ben? We haven’t talked about you much lately.”

  “You mean have I been getting out of the house regularly?”

  “Well, yes that’s partially what I mean.”

  “Then you will be happy to hear I’ve been outside every day for a week, and I’ve made friends with my neighbor’s daughter, Allie. I mean, we were friends before, but it was through the picture window of Aunt Kitty’s living room.”

  “Really? Allie, huh? Is she somebody I should be worried about?” I don’t know why, but I had assumed he wasn’t bisexual, and the jealousy I am currently experiencing proves that I need to clear that up right away.

  “What? Uh, no, I’m gay, remember?”

  “Yes, but a lot of my gay friends are bi, and I just realized I never asked you about that.”

  “Are you bi?” he asks, his tone laced with anxiety.

  “I asked you first.”

  “No, I am definitely all gay all the way. Vaginas hold no power over me. Allie is just a friend with zero sexual benefits. I told you, it’s been years since I was with anyone.”

  “Thank you, and no, I am not bi either, one hundred percent gay here.”

  “Whew, glad we got that cleared up. I was starting to sweat. If you were bi, I wouldn’t introduce you to Allie. She’s hot for a girl.”

  “You’re going to introduce me to your neighbor’s daughter? Isn’t that like one of those relationship milestones or something?”

  “We aren’t related, so no it wouldn’t be a milestone. But, I am introducing you to my aunt, and she’s all the family I have.”

  “I will be honored to meet your entire family then.”

  There is a knock at my door followed by the sound of it opening and closing. Bianca’s here, and I’m surprised she even knocked—she usually just bursts in unannounced.

  “I gotta go, my ride is here.”

  “You mean your sophisticated, intelligent, beautiful, best friend is here, don’t you? You better correct yourself, or there will be no ride to the airport for you, mister,” she says entering the living room and flopping down on the couch next to me.

  “Pardon me, my delusional best friend, Bianca, is here to take me to the airport. I’ll see you in a few hours.”

  “Delusional? Hardly,” she snorts.

  “Okay,” he says softly, and we end the call. I turn to Bianca, and she rolls her eyes.

  “Let’s go, lover boy. You don’t wanna miss your flight.” She stands, and before she walks away, I grab her hand. She looks down at it and raises her eyebrows. “What’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, that’s just it,” I hold up my phone, “He seems so perfect, it worries me, you
know?”

  “You worry too much first of all and have you forgotten that man doesn’t leave his house? That’s not perfect.”

  “He’s working on it, and that’s not what I meant.”

  “What do you mean then?” I drop her hand and stand up.

  “I don’t know, never mind.”

  “You can talk to me about anything, Liam. Come on, out with it.”

  “Okay, it’s like I know him. When we talk on the phone, he sounds familiar, and when we message, it’s like we are old friends.”

  “You guys have been talking online for a year. You’re friends. It’s supposed to feel familiar.”

  “Yeah. I guess I’m making a big deal out of nothing.”

  “You are, let’s go. I don’t want to be responsible for ruining this love connection.”

  When I land, it’s almost ten o’clock and physically, I’m beat, but my mind is in high gear. I order an Uber since Ben can’t meet me at the airport, and he didn’t want his aunt to pick me up and meet me before he did.

  Outside, the palm trees swaying in the dark are a sight for sore eyes, and the warm, humid Miami air feels like heaven. It’s been a long time since I’ve taken a vacation, too long. In fact, I haven’t had an honest to goodness vacation since before college, and that was seven years ago. I’ve been so busy establishing my career, there hasn’t been time to go anywhere. Theo and Abe have begged me to go with them to California twice, and Bianca even offered to pay for me to go with her to Vegas a couple of times, but I couldn’t get away.

  I get a notification that my Uber has arrived at the same time I see it pull up. When I slide into the seat, my driver confirms Ben’s address, which incidentally I have memorized, and we’re off.

  When we turn onto his street, I’m a little surprised at how beautiful the houses are. For no particular reason, I had always envisioned Ben and his aunt living in a small, simple house in an average neighborhood. This block is far from average and not one of the houses is small. At first, I thought it was weird that a grown man was living at home with his aunt. But, when he told me she was his only family, and he didn’t want her to be alone, I understood, and I thought it was sweet.