Tempted by the Wrong Twin

by Rachel Bailey

  Twelve

  Darkness...dark so thick and heavy it was choking... Fumbling for a light switch, but nothing... A flashlight... Thumbing the button... A beam of light... Illuminating nothing. Where was Harper? Swinging the beam in all directions... A newborn’s cry... Frantically looking... Another cry joining the first... The babies! But where? There! In the distance... Harper carrying two babies... Yelling her name... She can’t hear him... Walking away... No! His wife, his babies... Trying to run to catch them... Legs not working...stuck... Harper! His life, his everything, walking away... Harper! No...don’t leave... Gone... Alone... Flashlight beam fading... Darkness...

  Nick woke panting, covered in a cold sweat. He reached for Harper but only found empty sheets. Memory came trickling back. She was in their bed, in their home, and he was here at the B&B alone. He didn’t even have Frank to calm him.

  Heart still racing double time, he kicked the sheet off.

  “What the hell have I done?” he said to the empty room.

  He’d left the best thing that had ever happened to him. Someone who made his life better just by being in it. Someone he wanted so badly he ached with it.

  But leaving had never been about what he wanted. What he needed.

  Leaving had been about what was best for Harper and the babies. He had to protect her, no matter the cost. And the cost was him.

  He’d freed her to find someone who could meet her needs. Someone who wasn’t messed up. Someone who wasn’t him. A red-hot poker slammed into his chest at the thought.

  His father’s words came back to him. “You’re the strong one. You have to look after your mother and Malcolm.” If his father had met Harper, he would have included her in that group. And even if he hadn’t, Nick included her in the group of people he was responsible for.

  When you were the responsible one, sometimes you had to make sacrifices for them.

  In the dark of an unfamiliar bedroom, snatches of memories and old dreams assailed him, of losing men in his unit. He’d been responsible for them, too, and he’d had to make hard calls for their sake. The familiar weight of grief and failure landed on him, smothering him. But this time, something was different. On the movie screen in his mind where the past had been stuck on a relentless loop, the scenes seemed to reorganize themselves. He’d replayed his options that day over and over in his mind and had never come up with a scenario where all his team survived. He’d always considered his lack of solution even in hindsight another failure. But now it hit him—if he hadn’t made the hard call with his unit, more would have died. He’d made the best decision with the information, resources and options he had. Everyone had told him that, but it finally made sense. He finally believed it.

  He didn’t feel better—members of his unit had still died—but his heart was somehow a little less chaotic.

  He said a silent prayer for those who’d been lost that day, and this time, he made a start at letting them go. Not to forget, never that, but to stop tormenting himself. He’d made the only decision possible that day. The price had been unspeakably high, but it was the best he could have done.

  Now he needed to do the same with his marriage—hold fast now that he’d made the hard call to minimize casualties. A shudder ripped through him—his body revolting at what his mind knew was right.

  If he could be granted one wish in this moment, he’d use it to have their family together. Harper, the babies, Ellie and him. But that would be selfish.

  This sacrifice was his price to pay for their happiness, and for their sakes, he’d pay it a thousand times over.

  All he had to do was learn how to keep breathing while he paid it.

  * * *

  Harper sat on the sofa in Nick’s living room, watching the sun peep over the horizon and gradually reveal its full self. Despite the gorgeous view, her mind was still numb, and even her body felt only half there.

  She’d spent the night in this one spot, unable to face the bed she’d shared with Nick now that she was alone, and equally unable to face leaving his home and severing that link to him. She’d checked her cell regularly in case he was trying to contact her, then while she had the cell in her hand, she’d searched the web for the effects of stress on unborn babies. It was another thing to worry about, but at least she was past the first three months, when the effects were worst. She rubbed her belly and tried some of the breathing exercises Nick had told her he used after his nightmares.

  Frank had stayed with her and was now lying at the door, his head on his paws, staring forlornly, waiting for Nick to come home.

  In the short time since they’d adopted Frank, he’d become devoted to Nick. It shouldn’t have been surprising—while Harper had been at work, Nick and Frank had spent their days together. But it was more than that. They’d been helping each other heal.

  “Frank,” she said, but her voice was hoarse from crying and the word was practically unrecognizable, so she tried again. “Frank.”

  This time he dragged his furry head up to look at her.

  “Come over here, boy.” She patted the sofa cushion beside her.

  For long moments, his dark eyes simply contemplated her, then he stood, shook his body, ambled over and climbed up on the sofa. Harper lifted her arm so he could rest his head in her lap.

  “I know,” she said softly. “I miss him, too. But we’ll be okay together.” She laid a hand over the small mound of her stomach and rubbed Frank’s ear with the other. “You, me and the babies. We’ll be fine,” she said, unsure if that was a lie or not.

  Frank snuffled then let out a sigh. She sat with him, sharing comfort, until her tummy rumbled. She didn’t feel like eating, but she needed to have something nutritious for her babies. With a final stroke of Frank’s soft ear, she pushed to her feet and headed for the kitchen.

  Fifteen minutes later, she’d made and drunk a smoothie and Frank had eaten a bowl of kibble.

  She’d need to get ready for work soon, but she couldn’t find the energy. A sleepless night and a bleak heart combined to steal all of her motivation, so she slumped onto the sofa again.

  Frank glanced her way, then turned and trotted off down the hall, only to reappear a minute later, one of Nick’s T-shirts in his mouth.

  The sight brought tears to her eyes again. “Oh, Frank, come over here.”

  He and dropped the shirt at her feet. She wrapped her arms around his neck, letting her tears spill onto his fur. “I want him back, too.”

  The thing about being the one left behind was that as well as the grief about the ending, there was an overwhelming feeling of helplessness. That feeling had lurked inside her after her father had walked out on her and her mother, and it left her feeling paralyzed now.

  Frank pulled his head from her grip and curled up on Nick’s shirt at her feet. Her heart broke for him—his helplessness in the situation was as bad as hers.

  She stilled. As bad as hers?

  Something about that didn’t seem right. Frank was powerless in the situation. She wasn’t.

  Yes, she’d been powerless as a child when her father abandoned her, but she’d worked hard over the years to become a confident person who was in charge of her own life. She drew in a long, shaky breath. She was still in charge of her own life.

  Nick had ended their marriage because he’d made a decision about what was best. He was wrong. And she wasn’t helpless, having to sit here and accept his view of how things should be.

  She wasn’t powerless.

  It was time to take matters into her own hands and shape her own destiny.

  * * *

  After a quick shower, Harper was ready for action. She called Nick’s cell, but it went to voice mail. The next few minutes of waiting to redial were spent trying to ignore the butterflies in her belly, but she got the recorded message again when she tried.

>   Not to be deterred now that she was taking charge of her own destiny, she called Natalie Valentine. Her friend picked up on the second ring.

  “Cimarron Rose B&B, how can I help?”

  “Natalie, it’s Harper.” She tried to sound casual despite her erratic pulse. “Is Nick there?”

  “Hi, Harper,” Natalie said. “Actually, no. He was here last night, but he left early.”

  She chewed her bottom lip. “I don’t suppose he mentioned where he’d be today?”

  “Not a word. He said last night he wouldn’t want breakfast this morning then left early, before I was up. To be honest—” she paused, as if not sure how deliver bad news “—I’m not sure if he’s coming back. He paid up front for one night.”

  Harper’s heart missed a beat, but she sucked in a breath and steadied herself. He’d said he’d stay at the B&B until he made a plan, so maybe he’d spoken to Malcolm or his mother and decided to stay with them for a while. She straightened her shoulders. It might take a little longer than she’d hoped, but she’d find him. “Okay, thanks.”

  “Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful,” Natalie said, and Harper could imagine her friend’s brows pinching together in concern.

  “No, that’s useful.” She was already narrowing down the places he could be.

  “And, Harper,” Natalie said, her voice lowering, “I’m not sure what’s going on between you two, but whatever it is, I’m really sorry.”

  Harper wrapped a hand around her throat. “I appreciate that.”

  The next call was to Nick’s brother. She dialed Malcolm’s cell since he wouldn’t be at work yet. He picked up on the first ring.

  “Harper, how are—”

  Before he could finish the greeting, she interrupted him. “Do you know where Nick is?”

  “What’s happened?” he asked, his voice suddenly serious.

  Something about Nick’s twin brother being worried sent a fresh wave of panic through her system. “I just have to find him.”

  “Harper,” he said, sounding every inch the man who ran a large, successful company, “you need to tell me what happened.”

  “He left me,” she said, trying to ignore the quaver in her voice.

  “Oh, hell.”

  “So I guess he didn’t come to you.” It wasn’t a question, but she needed to say it aloud, because now her best lead was gone.

  “No.” Malcolm swore under his breath. “And he’s always had an uncanny knack for disappearing without a trace. Even when we were kids.” There was rustling in the background, as if he was picking things up as he spoke. “I’ll head out and check a few places. I’ll call Mom on the way, too. Let me know if you find him.”

  “Thank you,” she whispered, almost overwhelmed by his support.

  “Harper, no matter what idiotic idea he’s got in his head, you’re good for each other. Remember that.”

  She managed to smile. “I will. Also, I won’t be in to work today.”

  “Of course not. Just let me know when you find him.”

  “Sure,” she said.

  After disconnecting, she felt her shoulders slump. The only other place that was worth trying was the waterfall, so she grabbed her things, bundled Frank into the car and headed off. The journey seemed to take forever. The time had gone so quickly when Nick had first driven her out here, but now, desperate to reach her destination and her stomach churning with anxiety about how he’d be and what he’d think when he saw her, it was more like a journey of a thousand hours.

  As she pulled into the parking lot, she glanced around, but Nick’s car wasn’t there.

  “He’s not here,” she said to Frank, who stood up to look out the windshield the way he did whenever the car slowed down, hoping they’d arrived somewhere interesting.

  She couldn’t go back to the house. So what else could she do? She clipped Frank’s leash on and walked over to the spot where they’d had their picnic. She let Frank sniff around for a while, then sank down on the grass and watched the waterfall.

  She had no idea how long she’d been sitting there when her cell rang. She answered quickly, hoping it was Malcolm with a lead, but it was Nick’s number that flashed on her screen.

  “Nick?”

  “Where are you?” he asked, and she closed her eyes, savoring his deep, smooth voice.

  “At the waterfall.” She opened her eyes again to glance around at his favorite spot. “Where are you?”

  “Home, looking for you.” His voice gave nothing away. “Wait where you are. I’m coming to you.”

  After the call disconnected, she quickly called Malcolm to let him know he could stop searching, and then paced around the grassy area, letting Frank sniff all the smells he could find, trying to keep herself occupied so she didn’t implode. He could be coming to discuss a divorce and access to the babies. Maybe he wanted to get back together. Or maybe there was even worse news that he couldn’t deliver over the phone.

  She was sitting on the grass, Frank resting beside her, when she first caught a glimpse of Nick rounding the corner and heading her way. Frank took off, his leash trailing behind him, and leaped on his human, resting his paws on Nick’s chest. Nick took a minute to properly greet his dog, talking to him and rubbing his ears, then looked up. His gaze snagged hers, and goose bumps raced across her skin.

  He walked toward her, his expression still giving nothing away. But his steps were sure. Her heart beat unevenly and roughly against her ribs, and she had no idea what to say or do. She stood, brushing off the grass from her pants, and offered him half a smile. She wanted to crawl into his embrace and hold on as tight as she could, but they didn’t have that relationship anymore, so instead she simply waited until he reached her.

  He stopped just beyond touching distance and cleared his throat. “Hi.”

  “Hi.” She looked down at Frank, who was still bounding around, happy to have them all in the one place again, then back to him.

  “Are you okay?” he asked.

  “Fine,” she said, lying. “You?”

  “Fine.” He gave her half a smile, clearly lying as well. “Harper, I need to ask. Do you hate me?”

  Hate him? Not even close. “No.”

  “I walked out on you, even though you told me on the day we got engaged that it was a trigger for you.”

  She nodded slowly. “Yeah, you did that.”

  “I’m more sorry than I can say about that.” His gaze was fathomless. “You should hate me for it.”

  She’d always known she’d made bad choices in past relationships, practically setting herself up to be left behind. Nick was different.

  She lifted one shoulder and let it drop. “And yet, I don’t.”

  “Then I have another question,” he said, everything about him solemn. “Do you love me?”

  She’d been so excited to tell him yesterday that she’d realized she loved him—it would have been a joyous moment. This wasn’t the way she’d pictured it going at all, but she couldn’t lie. “Yes,” she said. “I love you.”

  He nodded as if he’d been expecting that. “And I love you so much it’s tearing me up inside.”

  Those were words she’d been desperate to hear, and yet they didn’t make her heart sing, because she still had no idea where he was going with this. “Why did you want to see me, Nick?”

  “Were you serious when you said my addiction doesn’t matter to you?”

  “Absolutely,” she said without hesitation.

  His brows drew together, and he looked over at the waterfall for endless seconds before clearing his throat. “I realized something today.”

  She was almost too scared to ask but couldn’t help herself. “What’s that?”

  “Growing up, we weren’t close to my aunts and uncles, so the only marriage I saw close
up was my parents’.”

  “Which sounds like it was perfect.” It wasn’t just the way he’d spoken of his parents, but it had shone brightly in his mother’s eyes when she’d mentioned her husband at their wedding.

  “I wouldn’t say it was perfect, but it was certainly a good one.” A faraway smile flitted across his face. “They were devoted to each other.”

  She sighed, glad there were people in the world who were able to live out the fairy tale. “They were lucky.”

  He tilted his head in acknowledgment. “And your parents’ marriage was—”

  “A disaster,” she supplied so he didn’t have to say it. “Even before my father left.”

  “So, what I realized is that since you and I said our vows, I’ve been trying to live up to my father’s example of being a perfect husband and you’ve been worried that we’ll turn out like your parents and I’ll leave you.”

  She stilled, absorbing that, and realized it was completely true. She pulled her hair back from her face, then let it drop. “That’s a fair amount of baggage. Maybe we were always going to fail.”

  He cupped the side of her face. “We just needed a clean slate and different vows.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I’ve been trying to make everything perfect. Fix things for everyone. For you. But it didn’t need to be perfect, to be right. It just needed to be us.” He took her hands in his. “The thing is, even though I’ll do my best never to give in to painkillers again, I’m never going to be a perfect husband. And I don’t want a perfect marriage. That’s like wanting a fantasy, not a real relationship.”

  He reached into his pocket and withdrew a small box, then opened it to reveal two gold bands. He took one out and laid it on the flat of his palm.

  “Here are my new vows,” he said, meeting her gaze squarely. “I choose you, Harper Lake, to be my wife. Not because you’re carrying my babies, and not because I’m expecting you to be a perfect wife. I choose you because instead of being scared of my darkness, you were patient and persistent and you got me a dog.”