Flame Tree Hill

by Mandy Magro

  ‘There we are, all finished,’ Dr Nichols said as she pulled off her surgical gloves and tossed them in the bin beside the table. ‘Now, would you like me to do a breast examination also?’

  Kirsty sighed inwardly. All she wanted to do was get out of there. But her right breast was still tender, and it wouldn’t hurt to get a professional opinion. She mustered up her most carefree voice as she wriggled up on the table into a sitting position, making sure the sheet was over her bottom half. ‘Yeah, why not?’

  ‘Okay then. Just remove your bra and raise your hands up in the air.’

  Kirsty tipped her head to the side. ‘I’ve never had to put my hands up in the air before.’

  ‘It’s a new technique. We’re finding it works very well. You can see if there are any inconsistencies in the breast tissue by any wrinkling or gathering of the skin once your arm is raised. Too many women find it hard to feel for lumps because we naturally have so many in our breasts, and we are finding this technique is much easier to do at home on your own, in front of a mirror.’

  Kirsty removed her bra and threw her hands up in the air, feeling slightly stupid, like she was in a stick-up. She looked at the ceiling again and rolled her eyes at the bloody poster.

  ‘Just drop your right arm for me, Kirsty, but leave your left one up in the air. Really stretching, that’s it.’

  Kirsty felt cold fingers touch the suppleness of her left breast, making her jump slightly. Dr Nichols’ fingertips moved professionally around her breast, and after a few moments she asked Kirsty to swap arms. She soon began to probe Kirsty’s right breast, and as her fingers moved expertly she let out little hmms. That wasn’t exactly the sound Kirsty wanted to hear. She began to feel nervous.

  ‘Is everything all right?’ she said. A sudden blinding pain shot up her right arm and she gasped loudly as Dr Nichols stepped back, a frown creasing her face.

  ‘Have you had any tenderness in your right breast lately, Kirsty? Even a feeling of fullness or something similar?’

  Kirsty felt the blood drain from her face. She didn’t like the direction this appointment was taking. She nodded slowly. ‘Actually, yes, I have. I felt pain there just over three weeks ago, when I was out mustering, and I gathered that maybe my period was on the way. Then it arrived a few days afterwards and I put the discomfort down to that. My period’s due again in about a week’s time but my breasts haven’t really stopped aching and I’ve been noticing the occasional stinging sensation in the right nipple. So I’m gathering the cause can’t be my menstrual cycle.’

  ‘And how have you been feeling generally?’ asked Dr Nichols. ‘Full of energy? A bit lethargic? Normal?’

  Kirsty paused before answering. ‘I’ve been feeling a little run-down lately, to be honest. I often feel tired. I’d just put it down to working long hours on the farm.’ She didn’t want to tell the doctor about her sleepless nights because of the nightmares. There was nothing anyone could do about them anyway.

  The doctor clasped her hands together and inhaled deeply. ‘Well, there’s a small lump in the right breast. Before you panic, take a deep breath. I don’t want you getting concerned over it just yet. Let me write you a referral to the Cairns Breast Clinic for an ultrasound and, if need be, a biopsy, and we’ll take it from there, okay? It may just be a cyst, Kirsty, so please don’t worry. I’m going to ring the clinic myself now, and try to get you in as soon as possible.’

  Kirsty smiled meekly. ‘Okay.’

  What else was she meant to say?

  Kirsty slid into the driver’s seat of her Holden ute, her hands shaking uncontrollably as she tried to slip the key into the ignition. She gave up and let her hands fall into her lap, resting her head against the steering wheel to ward off another flash of dizziness.

  ‘Oh my God, I have a lump. It could be cancer. Please, I’m too young to die,’ she whispered as tears poured down her cheeks. She shook her head gently, causing the horn to honk and scaring an old couple passing by. She quickly wiped her eyes and sat up straight. ‘Shit, get a hold of yourself, girl! It might just be a cyst – nothing to worry about. It’s all going to be okay. You’ll get the test done and it will all be fine. You’ll see.’ She took a deep breath and let it out with a forced sigh as she pushed the key into the ignition and revved the Holden to life. ‘It’s all going to be okay,’ she repeated over and over as she drove towards Flame Tree Hill, the tears rolling down her face once again.

  Aden greeted Kirsty at the front door, holding a can of beer out for her. His smile faded when he noticed she’d been crying. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her towards him. ‘K, what’s wrong? Are you regretting yesterday? You can tell me if you are. I’m not going to pressure you into anything.’

  Kirsty stood silently for a few moments, enjoying the comfort she felt in Aden’s arms. She stepped back and rubbed her face with both hands. ‘No, it’s nothing like that.’ She sighed heavily, her lips quivering. ‘I’ll cut to the chase. The doctor found a lump in my breast. I have to go to the breast clinic in Cairns on Thursday. It might just be a cyst, though. Please, don’t tell my parents – or even Robbie, for that matter. Not with Aunty Kulsoom in remission. They’ll all be worried sick. No need to stress them out until I have the ultrasound, and even then I’m sure it will be all right anyway.’

  Aden’s face creased with worry as he reached out and held her hands. ‘So it might be something more than a cyst? Shit. I don’t know what to say. I promise my lips are sealed. I’m sorry you have to wait until Thursday, though. Can’t they get you in any sooner?’

  ‘My doctor tried but they were pushing it getting me in this week.’

  Aden cupped her face gently and met her eyes. ‘I’ll be taking the day off and driving you there. You can’t be expected to go by yourself.’

  ‘But —’

  Aden put his hand up to stop Kirsty’s protests. ‘No. I’m taking you and that’s that.’

  Chapter 11

  SUNLIGHT filtered softly through the window as Kirsty sat in the waiting room among all the other women dressed in blue hospital gowns. She was exhausted after not sleeping much the last few nights. When she did manage to sleep, her dreams were terrifying ones that would leave her waking up in a cold sweat, unable to shake the feeling of dread from the pit of her stomach. She was in hell when she was awake and then the nightmares toyed with her when she tried to sleep. She couldn’t win.

  A middle-aged woman looked up briefly from her magazine and caught Kirsty’s worried gaze. She smiled kindly, as if she knew what Kirsty was feeling right now. Kirsty wriggled in her seat, nerves making her feel as though she was going to throw up.

  She longed to feel Aden’s arms around her; in his embrace was the only time she felt truly safe, as though this wasn’t really happening to her. Aden had argued with her in the car park for five minutes about wanting to come in to wait with her but she had bluntly refused, saying it wasn’t a place for men and she didn’t want to make all the other women in there feel uncomfortable. She was going to ring him on his mobile once she was finished. Looking around the waiting room, she was relieved she’d insisted.

  Kirsty watched uneasily as one of the doctors walked into the waiting room with a clipboard in her hand. Oh God, what if it’s my turn next? How am I going to get through this? Her fight-or-flight instincts kicked in and yet again, all she wanted to do was run. Typical – that was how she seemed to handle all her problems in life. She sat stone still, her heart racing and her limbs tingling from the surge of adrenaline.

  ‘Miss Kirsty Mitchell.’

  The doctor’s soft yet confident voice soothed Kirsty. She stood, smiling faintly, as she gathered her handbag from the seat beside her with shaking hands.

  The doctor motioned the way down a long corridor. ‘Hi, Kirsty. I’m Dr Maria Little. Follow me, please.’

  The doctor’s shoes tapped lightly on the linoleum floor, and her long black ponytail swung from side to side with each step as she disappeared into a doorway. Kirs
ty followed her through, her clammy hands clasped tightly in front of her, feeling as though she was about to pass out.

  ‘I’ll be doing the ultrasound for you this morning. When you’re ready, can you take your top off, slide up onto the bed for me and put your right arm above your head. I’ll just pull the curtain closed until you’re settled.’

  A few moments later Dr Little came back and opened the curtain. Calmly, she applied gel to Kirsty’s right breast then ran the transducer backwards and forwards, capturing images on a computer screen as she went. Kirsty closed her eyes and prayed harder than she’d ever prayed before, begging that there would be nothing to worry about, begging that she would walk out of there and not be fighting for her life, that this was all just a big mistake. Promising God that if it was a mistake she would reveal the truth about what she’d done to Aden – to everyone. After years of fretting about her past, all she hoped for now was that she had a future.

  ‘Kirsty, I’m seeing a small lump there, so we are going to do a needle biopsy to determine whether the lump is benign.’

  Kirsty gasped, a flood of panic filling her as she struggled to breathe. ‘Is it going to hurt?’ Her voice was almost a whisper.

  Dr Little shook her head gently. ‘No, I’ll give you a local anaesthetic so you won’t feel a thing. Then I’ll make a very small incision in the skin on the right breast so I’m able to insert the biopsy needle and remove some of the breast tissue for a sample. It will be a little sore afterwards, so I’ll write you a script for some painkillers.’ She placed her hand on Kirsty’s arm. ‘You just stay there and I’ll be back in a few minutes with a nurse. It won’t be much longer. Promise.’

  ‘Okay.’ Kirsty watched meekly as the doctor left the room, half of her wanting to scream and then the other half wanting the doctor to wrap her arms around her, to tell her everything was going to be all right. She felt as though she was drowning in a mixture of heartbroken emotion, devastation and absolute terror. What were they going to find?

  Aden absentmindedly flicked a piece of the beer coaster across the table, watching as it landed among the other pieces he had already torn off. He’d been wandering aimlessly around Cairns for the past two hours, his tension growing as he waited for a phone call from Kirsty, fighting the urge to sprint into the clinic to see how she was going. What was taking her so long? What was he going to say to her if it was bad news? How would he take it if it were bad news? He couldn’t lose another woman he cared so much for. Life couldn’t be that ruthless. Could it?

  The not knowing was killing him. He’d finally decided to try to eat some lunch but after taking two bites of his steak burger he’d pushed it away. He looked out over the Cairns Esplanade at all the holiday-makers enjoying the sun, swimming in the lagoon or barbecuing. It was such a happy scene and such a contrast to the turmoil that was crashing around inside him. Kirsty meant so much to him . . . she always had. To lose her now that he had just found her again was almost more than he could bear thinking about. But he was getting ahead of himself.

  He took a sip of his Coke and checked his mobile for the hundredth time, just in case he’d missed a call. Fuck, this waiting was killing him. Maybe he could go and buy Kirsty something nice? His low mood lifted a little. Now that was an idea. Some flowers perhaps, to make her feel special, with a little card to let her know he was here for her and always would be. He’d noticed a shop a few streets back with bunches of native Australian flowers. Kirsty would love them. He stood and gathered his mobile and wallet off the table, heading in the direction of the florist, relieved he’d found a mission.

  Halfway through paying for the flowers his mobile rang. It was Kirsty. He passed the money over and told the shop assistant to keep the change as he hurriedly flipped open his phone. ‘Hi, beautiful. How’s it going?’

  ‘Hi, Aden. I’m all finished now. I’ll meet you out the front of the clinic. See you soon?’

  The urgency in Kirsty’s voice was unmistakable and his heart sank. The street began to close in around him and he leant against a parking meter for support. What wasn’t she telling him? He had a fair idea. ‘I’ll be there in a few minutes.’

  Kirsty sat in the shade of a frangipani tree as she waited for Aden, a soft breeze wrapping itself around her. She picked up a white and yellow flower that had fallen on the grass and rolled the stem between her shaking fingers, the scent from the bloom suddenly overpowering her. She tossed it to the ground as waves of emotion washed over her and she fought hard to control the images that were rushing through her mind. She didn’t want to go there; she didn’t want to think about dying. She couldn’t. It would mean she had accepted the devastating news the doctor had just delivered. Her life had suddenly become so very precious. She had a strange feeling of separation, like she was standing outside her body – a body that was diseased and that she couldn’t run away from.

  Maybe she should have died the night of the accident. She had cheated death, while everyone else has lost their lives, and now it was her time to go. How was she going to tell her family and friends? And how was she going to tell Aden, the man she had wanted for so long, and whom she was falling hard for, that her life might be cut short? Could she stay with him and put him through all of this? Damn it, she felt like everything was working against her.

  Kirsty closed her eyes and dropped her head into her hands, wanting to block out the world. There were too many things to think of and way too much uncertainty. There was only one thing she was sure of right now: she had invasive ductal carcinoma breast cancer. It was too aggressive to operate on, and she would be starting a course of chemotherapy the following week. Twenty-one weeks of chemotherapy, to be exact. And that wasn’t the worst of it. Doctor Little had also explained to her that there was a possibility of the cancer having metastasised into her bones. She had to undergo more tests in two days to determine that. The battle had only just begun.

  Aden gripped the steering wheel, his knuckles white, as he weaved his way through the traffic and around the roundabout, his tyres screeching as he came to an abrupt stop in front of Kirsty. She was slumped against a frangipani tree, her face as pale as a ghost as she stared off into space. She hadn’t even noticed he’d pulled up. He jumped out of the driver’s seat and ran towards her. Kneeling down he took her into his arms, his heart breaking into a million tiny pieces.

  Kirsty, suddenly realising he was there, wrapped her arms around him and began to weep, loud, heart-wrenching sobs escaping her as she tried to speak. ‘I, I have aggressive breast cancer, Aden. Oh God. I don’t want to die. Please, don’t let me die. I’m so frightened about what’s going to happen to me.’ She began to shake uncontrollably in his arms, her tears soaking his shirt.

  Aden squeezed her tighter. Tears burned his own eyes but he blinked them away, wanting to stay strong for her, every inch of him wishing he could take her pain away. Why, after almost losing her once, was he faced with losing her again? How fucking cruel could life be? He kissed her face, his lips wet with her tears, his eyes coming to rest on her own. ‘I’m here for you, beautiful. And I will be with you every step of the way. No matter what.’

  Kirsty nodded and rested her head against his chest.

  Chapter 12

  HIDDEN Valley was only halfway through autumn but winter was already whispering its arrival, with the early mornings becoming fresher. North Queensland was not blessed with four distinct seasons; there was only really summer and winter, with slight variations in autumn and spring. Kirsty loved the cooler months at Hidden Valley. The mornings were cold enough for her to wear her fluffy slippers and robe, and with the way she was feeling that was a godsend. Over the past week she’d experienced a mixture of emotions – fear, denial, anger, sadness, helplessness and despair, her mood changing at any given moment. At times she felt strong, like she would be able to face the cancer and beat it hands down, while at other times she would roll herself into a ball on the couch and cry until she had no tears left.

  Kirsty straightened up
the flowers that Aden had given her the week before, touched he had chosen natives – her favourites – and then stirred two teaspoons of sugar into her pannikin of tea, enjoying the fact that the house was all hers for the day. She wandered out to the verandah, welcomed by endless blue skies and golden rays of sunlight dancing across the worn timber floorboards. Hank came to greet her, his tail wagging furiously as Kirsty gave him a rub behind the ears. She slumped down on the couch, her spirits lifting slightly as she spotted Kulsoom heading over from the main house with a cuppa in her hands.

  ‘Morning, Aunty, how are you?’ she called when Kulsoom was in earshot.

  Kulsoom held onto the banisters and slowly made her way up the stairs. ‘I’m good, love. But more importantly, how are you?’

  Kirsty wriggled over so Kulsoom could sit beside her. ‘I’m okay, I suppose. I’m trying to remain positive but I think I’m still in shock. I’m just finding it hard to believe I have cancer – you always think something like this will never happen to you. And I’m terrified about tomorrow.’

  Kulsoom took Kirsty’s hand and squeezed it tightly; the compassion in her face made Kirsty want to burst out crying for the third time that morning. ‘Cancer can be a tough battle, my love, but you’ve just got to be tougher. Try not to think about it. I’ll be with you tomorrow, darling, along with your mum. Strength in numbers, as they say.’

  ‘I know, and I really appreciate you coming along. I know it’ll be hard for you, going back to an oncology ward.’

  Kulsoom smiled softly. ‘Don’t you concern yourself with me. I’m an old hand at this, and a lot tougher than people realise. You focus all your energies on getting better.’

  ‘How are Mum and Dad coping? They act strong around me but I know Mum has been crying endlessly – unless there’s another reason her eyes have been red and puffy for days.’