Flame Tree Hill

by Mandy Magro

  She had watched him as he drifted back to sleep, his handsome, rugged features so beautiful in the soft moonlight filtering through the curtains. Part of her wanted to wake him up and tell him everything. But she couldn’t bring herself to fracture the perfection of what they had.

  She hadn’t slept a wink after the nightmares, instead lying in Aden’s arms, listening to his heartbeat while he slept as though it was the most magical sound in the entire world. And to her it was magical, for it was life itself, beating within his chest, reminding her just how much she had taken everything for granted. But as always, the guilty thoughts kept returning to her mind. Just how much would Aden hate her if he knew the truth?

  After driving down the Kuranda Range at a snail’s pace due to the monsoonal storm that had descended so suddenly that morning, Lynette pulled up outside the Cairns Base Hospital with Kirsty in the passenger seat and Kulsoom in the back. Kirsty silently prayed for courage to get through her first bout of chemotherapy – and courage to even walk through the front entrance of the hospital in the first place. When she’d got back from her ride, Aden had already left for work, but he’d left a note for her on her pillow: My beautiful Kirsty, I missed waking up beside you, but I hope you enjoyed your ride. I’m thinking of you every minute today, wishing I could be right there with you. Please know you mean the world to me. You always have and forever will. Love Aden xxxx

  She held the note tightly in her hand and pushed it against her thumping chest, willing it to give her the strength she needed. She had cried as she read it that morning. Did she deserve this beautiful man? Deserve his unconditional love? She took a deep breath, opened the car door and stepped out. It was time for her to face her fears, to begin the battle. And she was going to fight with everything she had. The cancer was not going to win. It was not going to take her life away from her! She had way too much to live for.

  Even with Lynette and Kulsoom beside her, the journey in the lift to the oncology ward seemed to take forever. Kirsty kept her gaze fixed on the floor, not wanting to meet anyone’s eye, trying to muster her inner strength. The first thing that struck Kirsty as she stepped through the lift doors and onto the ward was the smell. It was similar to that of moth balls, or some sickly aftershave. The rest of the hospital didn’t smell like that – it was unique to the oncology ward.

  An elderly nurse with a kind face greeted them from behind the reception desk. ‘Good morning, how can I help you?’

  ‘I’m, um, here for my, um, chemotherapy,’ Kirsty stammered as Lynette gently rubbed her back. The room was beginning to spin around her and she was suddenly worried she might fall over. She grabbed hold of Kulsoom’s hand. Her aunt knew exactly what she was about to go through.

  ‘And what was your name, dear?’ the nurse asked gently as she glanced over the list she was holding.

  Kirsty tried to answer but nothing came out of her mouth.

  ‘Kirsty, Miss Kirsty Mitchell,’ Kulsoom replied, smiling tight-lipped and holding Kirsty’s hand firmly.

  The nurse tapped the board with her pen. ‘Oh yes, here you are.’ She looked up and smiled. ‘Is it okay if I call you Kirsty?’

  ‘Oh, yes, I’d prefer it,’ whispered Kirsty, her heart hammering a million miles a minute. All she could hear was the blood pumping in her ears as she struggled to breathe normally.

  ‘All right then, Kirsty, follow me.’ The nurse turned her gaze to Lynette and Kulsoom. ‘You two ladies can wait in the reception area if you like. There’s tea and coffee in there, and a telly and magazines to pass the time. We should only be about an hour or so.’

  Lynette pushed Kirsty’s fringe back and kissed her on the forehead while blinking back tears. ‘We’ll be waiting for you when you’ve finished. Love you.’

  Kirsty nodded, unable to speak, and cautiously followed the nurse into a huge room with a long line of chairs. The nurse led Kirsty to a chair next to a young girl, who looked like she was no older than fifteen. The girl smiled and Kirsty smiled weakly back. Noticing the girl’s bald head she blinked back tears. What courage this young girl must have to be going through cancer treatment.

  As Kirsty settled herself, the nurse went to get an IV drip and came back to her side. ‘Now I’ve got two different kinds of drugs here, and they’ll just go quietly in over the next little while – you don’t need to do anything but relax. I’m also going to give you an injection, but that will be over very quickly.’

  Kirsty froze. She was petrified of needles. She’d been so wound up thinking about the cancer that she hadn’t even stopped to consider she would be getting needles. How in the hell was she going to get through this every three weeks for twenty-one weeks? She nodded apprehensively as she bit her quivering bottom lip, closing her eyes, wanting the sounds, smells and sights of the room to vanish. The entirety of it was terrifying.

  ‘You’ll just feel a little sting,’ said the nurse, and immediately afterwards Kirsty felt an injection into her vein. She wasn’t sure if she was imagining it but a feeling of nausea immediately washed over her. And she hadn’t even got the drip in yet. She gritted her teeth, knowing this was just the beginning – if she couldn’t get through this part she was never going to make it. And she had to make it through this.

  19 April 2012

  Dear Diary,

  Today was my first experience with chemotherapy, and it was hideous. I feel like I’ve been electrocuted and my head wants to blow itself off my shoulders. My ears are buzzing, I feel very dizzy and very unsteady on my feet. My jaw is trembling constantly and I vomited twice on the way home. Poor Mum, she was pulling the car over every ten minutes just in case. Everything is making me feel nauseous: smells, sounds, moving objects, movement generally . . . I feel as though I have a furnace burning inside of me, but on the other hand I can’t stop shivering. Aden and Robbie have just carried me from the toilet and put me to bed so I can get some rest. I didn’t even have the strength to walk. Aden is just having a quick shower and then he’s going to come and lie with me. I need to feel him beside me; he makes me feel so safe, so loved.

  Robbie keeps sticking his head in every two seconds. Bless him! He’s trying to act so strong around me but I know it’s tearing him apart. Mum didn’t want to leave me here at the cottage, but I told her she had to go home – Dad needs her too – and I’m not moving into the homestead, like she asked me to, because this is my home. Aunty Kulsoom offered to stay with me for the night but I kindly told her that I would rather have Aden sleep with me. She just laughed and said she would prefer a hot young man sleeping beside her over an old woman any day too. Thank goodness for her humour. Lord knows I need it. I’m so afraid of what is going to happen to me. I think that is all I can write at the moment. I feel so weak, so exhausted. I’m hoping that tomorrow I might feel a bit better.

  K x

  Chapter 14

  ADEN and Kirsty stood together under the night sky, the new moon just a hint among the millions of stars. It was two weeks since her first chemo session, and Kirsty still felt like she had an extremely bad case of the flu, every part of her body aching. Everything was quiet apart from the whinnying of a few horses and the soft scrape of the bougainvillea vine against the metal rainwater tank. Aden pulled Kirsty in to him, his hands lightly caressing her back as he placed a lingering kiss on her mouth.

  Kirsty’s pulse quickened as he ran his lips down the side of her face, butterflying soft kisses along the way. Her breath caught as he moved along her neck, releasing a long warm exhalation that sent pleasurable shivers all over her. Kissing Aden was one of the only things that took her mind off the pain. He brought his gaze back to meet her own, a mischievous twinkle in his chocolate-brown eyes. ‘It’s freezing out here. We’d better head back inside before you catch a cold.’

  ‘Yes, Dr Maloney.’ Kirsty rolled her eyes but she let him take hold of her hand and lead her towards the door, every inch of her wanting to keep going, willing him to keep going, although she knew damn well that with how she was feeling i
t wouldn’t be physically possible.

  The doctors had been adamant that Kirsty avoid any illnesses, as her immune system was weakened by the chemo, and Aden was meticulously trying to do everything by the book. She knew he was only trying to do the very best for her, but sometimes his insistence on things annoyed her, as though every day she was losing a little bit more of her independence. She was trying hard not to snap at him for it, knowing it would be nasty of her to do so, but sometimes she found herself biting her tongue hard.

  The first day of June was officially the first day of winter in Australia, but it was only the fourth of May and the frosty, haze-shrouded mornings were already starting to emerge, the westerly winds sweeping across Flame Tree Hill’s paddocks chilly enough to warrant Kirsty stoking up the open fire in the cottage. She padded inside while Aden headed down the hall and towards the shower, leaving behind him an earthy, horsy scent from his day at work. Kirsty relished it. She missed coming home at nights covered in dirt and dust after working outside with the cattle and horses. How she prayed she would be able to do it again.

  After making herself a hot chocolate, Kirsty headed for the lounge, where Robbie was installed in his favourite chair. ‘Hey, Robbie, thanks again for dinner.’ She put her hot chocolate down on the coffee table. ‘I’m still full.’

  Robbie smiled at her as he grabbed the remote and switched off the telly. ‘You’re welcome, sis. I’m just glad you’ve been able to eat this past week.’ He swiftly avoided her gaze and picked up the newspaper from the floor, sniffing loudly. ‘You’ve lost too much weight already and it’s only been a couple of weeks since you started chemo.’

  Kirsty moved closer to him, leaning over his chair and wrapping her arms around his shoulders, willing the lump to diminish from her throat. ‘Don’t you worry, Robbie – I’ll be back to myself in no time. You’ll see.’

  She picked up the matches and knelt down on the sheepskin rug in front of the fireplace, not quite avoiding Hank’s affectionate lick of her face. With a giggle she wiped the slobber from her nose and gave him a quick cuddle before pointing to his blanket in the corner of the room. Hank obeyed and strutted off, his head high in the air and his tail proud. He was allowed to sleep inside due to the wintry weather and he clearly felt like the king of the castle. His antics were a welcome relief from the emotional roller-coaster Kirsty had been on for weeks.

  She turned her attention back to the fireplace, crumpling up some old newspaper and tucking it beneath the ironbark before striking a match and tossing it in, the scent of sulphur lingering for a few brief moments. She leant back against the couch and took a sip of her hot chocolate, mesmerised as the rising flames fed off the oxygen in the atmosphere and engulfed the kindling with their red hot tongues. The flames grew higher as she watched, dancing and flickering spectacularly. It reminded Kirsty of the way Aden’s fingers left trails of heat on her skin that seemed to tingle forever. If only she had the energy to respond.

  The past two weeks had been a living hell and the worst of it was she still had another nineteen weeks of it. How was she ever going to make it through? Every inch of her body felt as though it was conspiring against her. The cancer was fighting to live, yet she was fighting to live too – it was a vicious battle that only one would win. She was constantly dehydrated, but on the other hand she found it hard to keep anything down, even water. There were fleeting moments where she almost wished she would die, the pain and the nausea taking their toll. And to make matters even worse, her immune system had deteriorated, leading to a whole host of other problems: her mouth and tongue were now covered with painful ulcers, and her sinuses had blocked up. But worst of all was the smell, that horrible pungent smell that she’d first had a whiff of in the hospital. It clung to her, and she knew now it was the smell of the chemo toxins seeping out of her pores. It was on her sheets and on her clothes, and no matter how much she bathed it was still there, persistently reminding her that she had breast cancer, that she was full of poisons, and that if these poisons didn’t do their job, she would die. In one week’s time she would have her second session of chemo, and she bloody well hoped it was working.

  Both her family and Aden had offered their support to her by trying to get her to eat and drink, embracing her when she was overcome with tears, holding her hand while she was being sick or had trouble falling asleep, and carrying her around the cottage when she was too weak to walk. Kirsty appreciated it, and at times she desperately needed their help and encouragement, but she was also fiercely determined to do things on her own. For her own self-worth she needed to hold tight to what she had left of her independence, much to everyone’s apprehension, but they knew better than to argue with her about it, knowing that when she had her mind set on something there was no way in hell they would be able to talk her around. She wasn’t about to become a pity case where everyone had to stop his or her life to take care of her. She needed to see the normalcy of life going on around her; it gave her comfort, like her life was normal too.

  Sometimes she would feel a small pang of jealousy when the guys headed off to work, wishing she could join them, but she knew bed rest was imperative for her right now and she just had to accept it.

  During the first week after her chemo Kirsty’s family had driven her nuts ignoring her request to be left alone. Yes, she required help but she also needed some space and time to be with her own thoughts. Everyone except Kulsoom found this very hard to understand. Thank goodness Kirsty had her aunty there to explain. At the odd moments when no one was with her and she needed to go to the toilet, she refused to use the phone beside her bed to call the homestead for help. Instead she would stubbornly crawl, wanting to prove to herself that she could do it, having to stop along the way to lean against the wall as she squeezed her eyes shut and panted. Then the exhaustion would wash over her, the task seeming almost impossible, as tears poured down her face. It was moments like these that Kirsty really doubted herself, doubted her ability to survive. She knew from what Aunty Kulsoom had told her that it was going to be a scary and soul-searching journey, but nothing and no one could have prepared her for just how terrifying it was going to be. And it was only just beginning. In her desolate moments she’d made a pact with God that if she lived then she would be totally honest – with everyone, in minuscule, agonising detail, no matter what the consequences.

  Aden came into the lounge after his shower and sat on the couch behind Kirsty, who was still on the floor, clutching her empty mug and staring into the flames. Without a word, he wrapped his arms around her shoulders and kissed her cheek, his warm, freshly showered scent enveloping her. Then, placing his hands on her shoulders, he began to massage firmly. Instead of relaxing Kirsty it hurt and she yanked herself away from him, instantly annoyed. Didn’t he know how sensitive and sore her body was from the chemo? God, she’d told him enough times. She scowled at him while clutching at her now throbbing shoulder, not wanting to make a scene in front of Robbie.

  Aden stared at her, wide-eyed, clearly taken aback, worry clouding his features. He looked down at his hands, then back at her, suddenly understanding. ‘Sorry, K, I forgot. Well, not forgot, but you know, didn’t think,’ he whispered.

  She instantly felt guilty. He was only trying to do something nice. Geez, she had been snappy lately. And Aden didn’t deserve for her to be so short-tempered with him.

  ‘Well, I’m off to bed, you two,’ Robbie said, completely oblivious to the tension that had been and gone, yawning and tossing the newspaper onto the coffee table. He pushed the footrest from the recliner back into the chair and it settled with a loud clunk.

  Kirsty blew him a kiss. ‘Night, sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite.’

  Robbie chuckled. ‘I’ll try not to. Night.’

  ‘Night, mate,’ Aden said.

  Once Robbie had left, Aden slipped off the couch and carefully snuggled in closer to Kirsty, pulling a silky cashmere blanket up and over the both of them. ‘I’m really sorry I hurt you. I didn’t
mean it.’

  Kirsty turned and met his concerned gaze. ‘Don’t apologise. I’m the one who should be saying sorry. I shouldn’t be so grumpy. I know you’re only trying to help me feel better.’

  ‘Yeah, I am, but I can be a bloody doofus sometimes.’

  ‘Yeah, but you’re my doofus,’ Kirsty teased as she rested her head on his shoulder.

  They sat in comfortable silence for a few minutes, the light from the fire flickering softly over their faces. Kirsty entwined her fingers with Aden’s and squeezed his hand, craving some normal conversation, away from the subject of her cancer; it seemed to be the only thing she got to talk about lately. ‘How was your day at work?’

  ‘It was good. I got to do some acupuncture on a ten-year-old Shetland pony called Rodger. He has terrible arthritis, the poor bugger. The little girl who owns him was so concerned. It was adorable. She gave me a big kiss and a cuddle before I left for coming to help him.’

  Kirsty had a little chuckle at the horse’s name. ‘And how did Rodger find his acupuncture? Did it help him?’

  ‘It sure did. I mean, it’s not going to cure him, but it will relieve the pain. A regular monthly session of acupuncture will do the trick, along with a drink of strong homemade ginger ale every day.’

  Kirsty giggled. ‘Ginger ale?’

  ‘Yep. Ginger ale. I have a recipe I give out that is made from plenty of fresh ginger, and the horses love it. Ginger is a great natural anti-inflammatory, so it’s perfect for arthritis.’

  ‘Wow, you really are a clever man!’

  Aden gave her a gentle squeeze. ‘Gee, thanks, gorgeous.’

  Kirsty snuggled in closer and Aden began to run his fingers delicately through her hair. Usually this would have been pleasant but now it made her recoil like a threatened snake. Poor Aden, he couldn’t win at the moment. He was only trying to be affectionate but she was petrified he would pull his hand free of her head and take half her hair with it. Not that any had fallen out yet, but it was going to happen at some stage. Aden didn’t seem to notice her flinch, or if he did, he didn’t make a big deal of it, giving her hair one last stroke before stopping. ‘Are you sure you don’t want me to come with you tomorrow? I mean, I don’t mind having the day off. I feel awful going about my normal day when you’re at the hospital. I really want to be there with you, for you.’