The Nerd Who Loved Me

by Vicki Lewis Thompson

  "So who would you call?" he asked, miffed that she was making fun of his suggestion.

  "Oh, I dunno. Maybe a SWAT team. That's one heck of a snake."

  "I don't like the way it's looking at us, either."

  Lainie sat back on her haunches. "It is pretty creepy, being eye to eye with a rattlesnake. And you're right—we should call somebody. They need to know this snake is around."

  "They need to remove this snake to a snake preserve, or whatever it is they do with them." Harry got up slowly, as if sudden movement might cause the snake to do ... something. He didn't know what, but he wasn't taking any chances. Walking over to the sliding door took great effort, but he did it, staring down at the snake as he ap­proached. It didn't seem fazed by him at all.

  He reached over and locked the door. "That's proba­bly totally unnecessary, but I feel better now."

  "I'm glad you did it. Even though I know he can't get it, I can still imagine that somehow he'd use his head to nudge it open."

  "I was thinking the same thing." He picked up the desk phone. "Let's see what Crimson Canyons wants to do about this reptile." When Thalia answered the phone, Harry described the problem. He was proud of the matter-of-fact way he discussed the size of the snake. There was almost no quiver in his voice.

  "We'll send Dudley right over," Thalia said.

  Harry groaned. "Don't you have anybody else who can do it?"

  "Dudley's our resident snake catcher. I'll have him over there in five minutes, if you'll please keep an eye on the snake."

  Harry resigned himself to having Dudley show up. He was better than nobody. "Actually, the snake's keep­ing an eye on us."

  "Well, don't be a hero and try to catch it yourself. They can be very dangerous."

  "Oh, okay. I was thinking of it, but if you don't recommend—"

  "Definitely not! Stay inside and let Dudley handle this."

  "If you insist." Feeling better after playing macho man for Thalia, Harry hung up and turned to Lainie. "Dudley's coming over to take care of the snake."

  "We should have known."

  "We should have. Thalia said he's the resident snake expert."

  Lainie stared at him. "You don't suppose that Dudley arranged for this snake?"

  "No, although at first it crossed my mind, too. But even Dudley wouldn't sic a snake on us to give him an excuse to come by. That plan could backfire, big time."

  "You're right, of course." She paused. "And I'll bet that's why they keep him on as a salesman, because he'll take care of any snakes that show up."

  "They keep him on as a salesman because a real sales­man wouldn't be caught within fifty miles of this place. I hope he knows his way around snakes, is all I'm saying. I thought I never wanted to see Dudley again, and now I can hardly wait to lay eyes on the guy."

  "But we have to remember to be Fred and Rona, and I don't know where Leo's glasses are. I guess they fell off when we leaped inside." She started searching around on the floor. "God, I hope I didn't—"

  "I see them." Harry walked over and picked up the glasses. One earpiece had snapped off. "One of us must have landed on them."

  "Well, shoot." She stood and came over to look at the glasses. "I'll have to get Leo new ones, but right now we need a temporary fix. I'm not supposed to be able to see without them."

  "We don't have time." Harry glanced out the door and noticed Dudley coming across the dried-up fairway grass holding a stick with a loop on the end and a large plastic cooler. "He's here."

  "Then let me balance them on my nose as best I can. Is my wig on straight?"

  "Let's see." Harry took a quick look. "A little bit of your real hair is sticking out." He tucked it out of sight. "That's better."

  "How about the glasses?" She perched the glasses on her nose and glanced up at him. The glasses wobbled a little, and she laughed.

  Later, Harry admitted to himself that was the exact second he fell in love with Lainie Terrell. At the time, he blamed indigestion for making his chest feel tight. Indi­gestion was a logical explanation for that funny feeling beneath his breastbone. It couldn't be good for his system to eat a burger and fries and then be scared out of his wits by a six-foot rattlesnake. Yeah, that was it. Indigestion.

  "Are you okay, Harry?" She peered up at him. "You look sort of... confused."

  He took a deep breath. "I'm fine. And if you don't move your head too much, the glasses should stay on. Maybe Dudley won't notice."

  "Maybe he'll take the snake and leave."

  "Don't bet on it."

  Dudley walked to the edge of the patio, set down the cooler and waved to them.

  Harry waved back. After all, the guy was there to re­move the snake. "He's smiling at us."

  "Dudley or the snake?"

  "Dudley. I don't know what a smile on a snake looks like. Anyway, I think Dudley plans to turn this into a follow-up sales call. He won't be able to resist the op­portunity."

  "Then I guess we'll deal with him after the snake's captured. But Harry, do you think that cooler is big enough?"

  "I told Thalia that it was six feet, and she said Dudley knew his stuff." Harry's pulse picked up as Dudley ap­proached the snake, which was still stretched out in front of the sliding door with its head raised, staring at them through the glass.

  "Maybe we're supposed to keep the snake distracted so he can sneak up on it," Lainie said.

  "So how would you do that?"

  "I haven't a clue. But it sounded like a good idea at the time."

  "Anyway, too late." Harry gulped as the snake's head swiveled in Dudley's direction. Then the snake's tail lifted, too, and a dry rattling sound penetrated through the glass door.

  "Omigod." Lainie whimpered. "This is too scary."

  "No kidding. I hope to hell he knows what he's do­ing. A snake that size could definitely put a guy in the hospital."

  "He's talking to it," Lainie said.

  "You think?"

  "Look. His lips are moving."

  Harry concentrated on Dudley's mouth, and sure enough, he seemed to be murmuring something to the snake. "What would you say to a snake?"

  "After this is over, you could ask him."

  "After this is over, I'm going to completely erase it from my memory bank. At least I'm going to try." If he didn't succeed, he could be looking at a few major night­mares.

  "Good luck on that," she said. "I know I'll never for­get this."

  Harry didn't suppose he would, either. He hoped his nightmares would also include some good parts involv­ing sex with Lainie. "Dudley just keeps on coming," he said. "Like he's not afraid at all." Harry was getting se­riously jealous of Dudley's manly display of courage in the face of snakes.

  "You wouldn't be afraid, either, if you knew more about them and did this kind of thing all the time."

  "Thanks for the vote of confidence, but I'd rather walk over hot coals on an hourly basis than do this all the time." Harry held his breath as Dudley came ever closer, holding the looped stick in front of him like a pole vaulter about to spring.

  The capture happened so fast that Harry wanted an in­stant replay to see exactly how Dudley managed it. One minute Dudley and the snake were eyeing each other, and the next Dudley had a noose around the snake's neck and was dangling it in the air.

  "Wow," Lainie said.

  Harry's jealousy grew. He wanted to hear that tone of reverence when she was referring to something he'd done. "Impressive," he said, because he had to be truthful.

  "I think the snake actually started to strike, and he got that noose around its neck right before it could bite him."

  "Could be. Man, that's a long snake."

  "But he's getting the whole thing in the cooler. Look at that. Just feeding it down in, bit by bit."

  "He has to take the noose off before he can close it up, though." Harry realized he was sweating. "That could be dicey."

  "Except that his reflexes are amazing."

  Harry wondered what his reflexes would be like if
they were really called to the test. Fast reflexes didn't usually come into play when you were dealing with computer­ized spreadsheets. Then again, he could add a column of numbers on a calculator faster than anybody he'd ever met. Oh, yeah, Lainie would probably swoon if she knew that.

  "There he goes," Lainie said. "Almost in ... almost... done! Slick as a whistle."

  Harry had to give the devil his due. The snake was in­side the cooler with the lid locked down, something Harry couldn't have accomplished in a month of Sun­days. And Dudley had kept him, and more important, Lainie, from getting snake-bit.

  He let out his breath. "Let's go thank him. He cer­tainly deserves that much."

  Lainie grinned. "Just don't buy a time-share out of gratitude, okay?"

  "I won't if you won't." He started toward the sliding door.

  "You know, if this place was a little nicer, and I had the money, I'd do it in a minute."

  "You would?" He glanced back at her in surprise. "Even with rattlesnakes lurking around?"

  "Sure, you have to be careful, but Harry, look around

  at the scenery! Don't you think the red rock formations are incredible? Have you ever seen anything so beauti­ful in your life?"

  He gazed at her, taking in her flushed cheeks, her crazy red wig, and the precarious glasses. "No," he said softly. "No, I haven't."

  Chapter Sixteen

  Lainie could tell from the way Harry approached the cooler full of snake that he was worried that even with the locked lid, the snake might find a way to make a break for it. Harry obviously had a serious snake pho­bia, and yet earlier he'd been ready to face this rattler alone while she scampered inside. She didn't meet guys like that every day.

  She wondered if his jitters would make him forget who he was supposed to be. Maybe she ought to help him out. "Well, Fred, that's that," she said. "No more snake, thanks to Dudley, here."

  "Yeah, Dudley. Thanks, man." Harry held out his hand.

  "Aw, no problem." Dudley shook both their hands and looked pleased with himself. "That there was a big one. At first I thought maybe you'd mistaken Gertie for a rattler, but looks like you found yourselves the genuine article."

  "What will you do with it?" Harry kept glancing ner­vously at the cooler.

  "Oh, I'll let it go."

  "What?" they yelled in unison as they nearly tripped over each other putting some distance between them­selves and the cooler.

  Dudley grinned. "Don't worry—not around these parts. I'll take it for a ride out into the desert, find a de­serted spot far from civilization. You might see another snake while you're here, but you won't see this one again, I promise. It's vaya con dios to this rattler."

  "We might see another one?" Harry's attention shifted to the browned-out edge of the fairway. "How many snakes are running around out here?"

  Dudley adjusted his cowboy hat. "Hard to say, but less than there used to be, that's for sure. You have to remem­ber they were here first. Then Crimson Canyons came in and took away their home. From the snakes' point of view, we're the ones trespassing, not them."

  Lainie gazed at the cooler. "Now I'm starting to feel sorry for it. Aren't you, Fred?"

  Harry eyed the plastic cooler with suspicion. "I wouldn't go that far."

  "I'm dying of curiosity, Dudley." Lainie's glasses started to slide down the bridge of her nose and she pushed them back in place. "Were you talking to the snake?" In spite of herself, she was starting to ad­mire Dudley's empathy for wild creatures.

  Dudley nodded. "I figure it never hurts to apologize for booting him out of his home. He would have taken a big bite, if I'd given him the chance, though. And I don't blame him. I wouldn't like being lassoed and thrown in a cooler, myself. Still, it beats getting killed."

  "Right," Harry said. "It's a good thing you're doing."

  "I'm just hoping this snake business hasn't riled you up too much. I'll bet until the snake came along, you two were enjoying your lunch and toasting your deci­sion to buy a one-bedroom. Am I right?"

  "No you're not," Harry said. "I'm afraid we're still unable to agree on which size to buy. And then the snake came along, and to be honest, that affects our decision. I mean, we have a four-year-old."

  Lainie had to hand it to him for coming up with that. He was very convincing, too, playing the concerned father. He'd be a good daddy someday.

  Dudley nodded. "And you're right to consider your boy's safety, but you're living up in Vegas, am I right?"

  "Yes, we are," Harry said. "And where we live, there aren't any—"

  "But you're not about to convince me there aren't any rattlers in the state of Nevada, because I know better." He chuckled. "Some two-legged ones, also, but we won't go into that. That little boy of yours will get older, maybe go into the Boy Scouts, or take a school trip somewhere, and eventually he'll be wandering around in snake country. Boys do that."

  "I didn't," Harry said. Then he glanced over at Lainie as if sorry he'd admitted it. "I mean, not much, anyway."

  Dudley stroked his chin. "I believe it's better to expose kids to the great outdoors and teach them to be careful than to keep them locked up and ignorant." He turned to Lainie. "Don't you, Rona?"

  She caught her glasses before they tumbled to the ground. Then she repositioned them. "In theory, yes, but in reality—"

  "Of course, of course. Moms tend to get nervous about dangerous situations, and that's when the dad has to encourage some exploration, right, Fred?"

  Harry cleared his throat. "Dudley, we're not buying a time-share."

  "We like to refer to it as resort ownership, and yes, you are buying a unit. You just don't know it yet. But I know it, and that's all that counts."

  Lainie decided to provide some backup. "Fred and I really aren't buying. You need to move on to other prospects." She had a sneaking suspicion there were no other prospects. "But thank you for taking care of the snake. Now we need to let you get back to—"

  "You seem to have a problem with your glasses, Rona. Here, let me take a look."

  Before she could stop him, he'd swiped the glasses right off her face. "It was a freak accident," she said. "I'll have them fixed when we get home."

  Dudley examined the glasses and whistled. "Pricey spectacles you have here, Rona. If you'll give me the broken piece, I might be able to do something with them. Otherwise I'll wager you're looking at a couple hundred bucks."

  She groaned, although it wasn't surprising to find out that Leo had expensive taste in glasses as well as clothes.

  "Don't worry about the glasses, sweetheart," Harry said. "It's no big deal."

  Easy for him to say. He wasn't the one who had to pay to replace them. But she had to pretend to be grateful for his understanding, so she smiled at him. "Thanks, sweet­heart. I'm glad you're not upset."

  "Let me work on them," Dudley said. "Is the earpiece inside? Let's go get it." He started toward the sliding door.

  Harry caught him by the shoulder. "That's not neces­sary, really."

  "But you can't expect your wife to spend the rest of your vacation holding her glasses up to her face. Give me a couple of hours and I'll have them good as new. Then when I bring them back, we can write up the contract."

  A muscle twitched in Harry's jaw. "No contract, Dudley. And as for the glasses—"

  "The glasses are no big deal," Lainie said, jumping in to help.

  "Of course they are," Dudley said. "So let me—"

  Harry tightened his grip. "Can I talk to you privately, man-to-man? Excuse us for a minute, sweetheart."

  Dudley looked surprised, but he nodded, and the two men walked several yards away.

  Lainie was dying to know what wild story Harry was feeding Dudley as the guys put their heads together, but they had to be talking about her, because Dudley kept glancing her way.

  Finally they walked back, and Dudley stuck out his hand again. "I wouldn't want to get in the way of creat­ing new life," he said, "so I'll mosey on down the path."

  Harry cleared
his throat in such a dramatic way that Lainie had sense enough not to question Dudley's very strange statement about creating new life. She shook Dudley's hand. "Thanks again for capturing the snake."

  "Just part of the job. If you need to reach me, this here's my cell phone number." Dudley pulled a battered business card out of his pocket and handed it to Lainie. "I can be reached most any time. You two take care, now."

  Harry clapped him on the shoulder. "Thanks for un­derstanding."

  "Like I said, I've never had rug rats, never wanted 'em, but for those who do, I say, go for it." He picked up the cooler and the pole he'd used to catch the rattler. "So long, and happy populating." He headed off across the golf course.

  "Happy populating?" Lainie turned to Harry. "What on earth did you tell him?"

  "I said this was your fertile time."

  "My what?" Her jaw dropped.

  He shrugged and looked sheepish. "He picked up on all the chemistry between us, so I decided to play on that to get rid of him. I said we wanted to give little Dexter a sister or brother, and your broken glasses were really no problem because I planned to keep you in bed with me the rest of our stay here, so whether you could see well didn't much matter."

  "Oh." She wondered if he had any idea how a state­ment like that turned her on. Come to think of it, this was her fertile time, which might explain why she could think of little else but doing the wild thing with Harry. Was it possible she might be ready to jump almost any available guy?

  No. She had a fertile time every month, and she'd never had this kind of a reaction. Sex with Harry was more than just sex. She'd felt something significant going on once they finally got naked.

  She wanted to feel that significant stuff again. Now. Thunder rolled in the distance as clouds blocked the sun. She smelled rain in the air and could think of nothing she'd rather do than romp in that king-sized bed with Harry while the rain came down.

  "I guess we should go inside," she said. "I wouldn't want to make a liar out of you."

  Thunder rolled as Leo tucked his high-powered binocu­lars in their case and started back down a rocky trail. Two seconds later a fat drop of water hit his cheek. Great. Just great.