No Strings Attached

by Julie Moffett

  “Wow, the table looks nice.”

  “Glad you like it. Over here is the buffet.” She led me to a long table. There were several silver-covered serving trays lined up. Underneath the trays were small burners to keep the food warm. I lifted the lid on one and sniffed.

  “That smells fantastic. What is it?”

  “Lasagna. It’s my granny’s recipe. Really yummy.”

  “Wow. I can’t wait to try it.”

  I went down the table, inspecting the dishes. A few were empty, but others had garlic bread, green beans, salad, and macaroni and cheese. There were a couple of great choices for desserts, too. Chocolate cake, lemon squares and a whipped cream salad.

  “Junior,” Faylene shouted at a door behind which I presumed was the kitchen. “Where are my brownies?”

  “Coming, Mama.”

  “Wow, this is really great.” I spread my hands. “Thanks so much, Faylene.”

  “I’m happy it meets with your approval.” She linked arms with me and steered me to the bar. “Now let me introduce you to your bartender for the night. Uncle Shine, you back there?”

  A big man stood up from behind the bar holding a bottle of vodka in each hand and wearing a great big smile. “Right here, Faylene.” He dipped his head in greeting. His cheeks were weathered and ruddy and his five o’clock shadow gave him a grizzled look.

  “I want you to meet Lexi Carmichael. She’s in charge of the party tonight.”

  “Technically, you’re in the charge of the party, Faylene,” I corrected. “But that’s just semantics at this point.”

  “Hey there, Lexi.” Uncle Shine extended a big hand and we shook. “We’re going to have a great time tonight.”

  “I hope you’re right.”

  “Of course, I’m right.” He waved the bottle of vodka at me. “I’m the bartender, so what I say goes. Can I start you off early?”

  “Oh, no thanks. I’m the designated driver.”

  I looked around the room. “So, what is the plan in terms of schedule?” Schedules always made me feel more in charge, more relaxed. They were linear, logical and planned. That worked for me.

  “Well, as soon as the girls start arriving, have them hang up their coats and head toward the bar,” Faylene explained. “Uncle Shine will get them started with a drink.”

  “Okay, that sounds good. Then what?”

  “Then you eat. The food is ready. After that you’ll play your first game. It’s all set up over here.”

  She tugged on my arm, pulling me toward a wall next to the stage where she had hung a giant poster of a naked guy with dark hair, dark stubble and no clothes. There was a bull’s-eye on his private parts. He looked oddly familiar...

  Slash!

  I gripped her arm in panic. “Where did you get this photo?”

  She looked surprised. “Off the internet. There is a page with all these male fashion models. Between you and me, he’s probably not into girls, if you know what I mean. I just blew it up and added the target.”

  I studied the poster closer. After a better examination, I realized it wasn’t Slash. But it was a darn close representation. In the dim light, it was an easy mistake to make.

  I pressed a hand to my chest, calming it. “Okay, fine. Tell me why is there a giant poster of a naked guy with a bull’s-eye on his...thing...on the wall?”

  “The game,” Faylene said, tapping my shoulder. “Pin the Junk on the Hunk.”

  “What?”

  She held up a red blindfold in one hand and a small bucket in the other. I glanced in the bucket and saw a variety of cartoon cutouts of a man’s private part. I looked between the poster, the blindfold and the bucket and got the idea. Reaching into the bucket, I pulled out one of the cutouts and studied it.

  “A hot dog cutout?” I said. “Really?”

  “The bat with the two balls is my favorite,” Faylene chuckled. “Although the cactus-shaped one is a close second. It’s just a sexy variation of pin the tail on the donkey. Well, actually, there are sexier versions than this, but I thought this would be enough for you.”

  “No kidding.”

  “Anyway, this version involves putting the blindfold on the girl, spinning her around and pushing her toward the poster. Whoever gets the junk on the hunk closest to the target wins.” She walked over to a nearby table and held up a gift bag. “Then the rest of the girls can take the cutouts home as a souvenir.”

  I shuddered just thinking about it. I totally didn’t get the point of this game, but it wouldn’t have been polite to say that, so I kept my mouth shut.

  “So, you’re running this game, right?” I said.

  “Oh, heck no. This is your thing, honey. I’m behind the scenes in the kitchen.”

  “Jeez.” I took breaths to calm myself. It was just a stupid game. I could handle it. “Okay. What’s after the game?”

  “There’s more entertainment to follow, but your involvement on that will be minimal, so you can relax and enjoy.”

  I blew out a breath. “Thank goodness.”

  I started to relax a bit. Faylene did seem to have everything under control. The decorations were nice, Uncle Shine was settled in behind the bar and the entertainment was taken care of. I needed to take the anxiousness down a notch.

  “Okay, Faylene, now what?”

  She pointed at the door where Bonnie and Gray were just coming in. “Your guests are here. I suggest you go greet them.”

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  I strode over to meet Bonnie and Grayson. They both gave me a hug and I introduced them to each other. They were already chatting so I figured they would get along just fine. I showed them where to hang their coats and sent them over to Uncle Shine at the bar to get started.

  I went over to stand next to Faylene at the buffet table, knowing I was being a little clingy. Despite my fake confidence, I was terrified about being alone in managing things. She was fussing with the food arrangement.

  “Junior,” she yelled out. “Where are my brownies?”

  A skinny guy in a red T-shirt, jeans and a backward baseball cap pushed open the swinging door to the kitchen with a tray. “No need to yell, Mama. They’re right here.” He passed by me and I sniffed. They smelled delicious. My stomach growled as he set them down near the other desserts.

  “Lexi, this is my son, Junior. Junior, say hello to Lexi.”

  He pulled off his cap and smiled at me. “Hey, Lexi.”

  “Hey, Junior. Thanks for helping out.”

  Faylene put a hand on her son’s shoulder. “Well, let’s get going. We’ve got to get to the other party.”

  “Wait.” A flicker of panic shot through me. “You’re leaving? What other party?”

  “The bachelor party, just down the street. He said you referred my services to him. Don’t worry, Lexi. We’re just going to help him get set up and we’ll be right back. He said you were okay with sharing.”

  My eyes widened. “Wait. Are you talking about the bachelor party being run by Elvis Zimmerman?”

  “Yep.” She snapped her fingers. “That’s the one.”

  “I thought you only did bachelorette parties.”

  “I know, but when he called, he sounded desperate. I figured a friend of yours is a friend of mine, so I decided to help. Besides, a party’s a party, right? Now don’t you worry about a thing. The food is all set up and ready. It’s a serve yourself buffet, so no worries. Besides, Uncle Shine is here if you need something before we get back.”

  There wasn’t much I could do and I knew Elvis needed the support as much, if not more, than I did, so I didn’t protest.

  Faylene and Junior disappeared through the kitchen, headed out the back entrance to their van. I peeked out the window and, sure enough, saw them driving away in a white van that said F
aylene’s Bachelorette Party and Supplies. Someone had written and Bachelor below the word Bachelorette in what looked like a black Sharpie.

  I blew out a breath and turned away from the window just as more guests, including Basia and her cousins, walked through the door. Guess the limousine had arrived. Time to suck it up and be the perfect hostess, whatever the heck that meant.

  I greeted everyone with a nervous smile and hug and provided instructions on what to do. It was too many women at the same time for my taste, but I smiled and tried to engage in appropriate small talk.

  The bar got busy really fast. I had to give it to Uncle Shine. He had turned on a boom box with popular music, flirted and entertained the girls with the charm of an experienced bartender while deftly plying them with alcohol.

  Basia oohed and aahed at the table setting and decorations. A few of the girls were pulling items out of their goody bags examining them.

  “When do we get to eat?” Grayson asked, stuffing most of a brownie in her mouth. She had a drink in her other hand. “I’m starving.”

  “You’re already pigging out,” I pointed out.

  “Oh, please. This is not pigging out. It’s just a snack.” She waved the remainder of a brownie in my face. “I’m talking about the lasagna. It smells heavenly.”

  I glanced at the bar and saw it was empty. Everyone who wanted a drink already had one.

  “Actually, it’s time to eat right now,” I said. I grabbed a water goblet off the table and clinked a fork against it to get everyone’s attention.

  “Okay, everyone,” I yelled. “Dinnertime. Please help yourself to the food. After we eat, we’re going to, ah, play some games.”

  I was nearly stampeded as the girls rushed past me to get to the buffet line. Basia gave me a one-armed hug. She looked cute in the tiara and veil that Faylene had provided. Much more importantly, she seemed happy and satisfied with my efforts so far. “This is a great party, Lexi. Awesome. Thank you so much.”

  “Save the thanks for after the party,” I said. “For now, just save me a seat next to you at the table.”

  “Done,” she said, smiling.

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  As the girls piled food on their plates, I walked around making sure we weren’t running out of anything. The lasagna was going fast. Jolka, one of Basia’s cousins, asked if we had any Parmesan cheese, so I said I’d check in the kitchen.

  I walked into the kitchen and came to a dead stop at the foot of a giant, hideous, white plastic wedding cake.

  “What the heck?” I said aloud.

  “Ta-da!”

  The top of the wedding cake popped open and a young woman dressed in blond pigtails, super short jean cutoffs that barely covered anything and a tiny blue polka-dotted halter top fastened beneath her considerable breasts jumped out of the cake.

  I yelped in surprise, staggering backward and falling over a trash can and onto my butt.

  The girl who’d popped out of the cake looked at me in astonishment.

  “Who are you?” she asked in a heavy Southern accent.

  “Who are you?” I asked. “And how did you get in that cake?”

  “I’m Billie Sue. Faylene is paying me to jump out of the cake for a bachelor party down the road tonight. I just got here so I thought I should practice.”

  There were many questions I wanted to ask, but one seemed more significant than the others. “You have to practice jumping out of a plastic cake?”

  “Of course. Timing is everything. Watch this.” With a sweeping flourish, she yanked off her halter with one hand and her shorts with the other, leaving her naked save for a teensy-weensy red, white and blue thong.

  “What the—” I said, my mouth gaping open in astonishment. “How did you do that?”

  “Velcro. Cool, huh?” She put her shirt back on, fastening it beneath her breasts with the Velcro strips and then did the same with her shorts. “Looks like everything is in working order.”

  In spite of myself, I was impressed.

  “Lexi?”

  The voice came from outside the kitchen. It was Basia’s voice.

  Holy stripper!

  I scrambled to my feet. “Billie Sue, stay in the kitchen, would you?”

  “Excuse me?”

  “Look, that voice you hear is the bride-to-be of the bachelor whose party you are headed to shortly. So, just wait here, okay?”

  Billie Sue frowned, but stayed put. I ran out of the kitchen, nearly knocking Basia over. She was balancing a plate loaded with lasagna and garlic bread.

  “What’s wrong?” she asked.

  “Nothing is wrong.” She stared at me, so I smiled brightly.

  Calm down, Lexi. A party planner is poised and in control. A calm hostess is a successful hostess.

  “Look, Basia, I just want everything to go perfectly,” I said. “But there’s no Parmesan cheese. Sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay, Lexi. Just relax. Everything is perfect, even without the cheese. Go get your food.”

  “Yep, I’m on it. But there is one more place the Parmesan cheese might be. Save me a seat, okay?”

  I raced back into the kitchen. Billie Sue sat on a corner of the cake with her legs crossed. “That food smells good.”

  I pointed at her. “Why are you here instead of the bachelor party?”

  “Faylene told me to meet her here.” Billie Sue uncrossed her legs. “They didn’t have room to take the cake and me on the last trip because the van was full. I don’t go on until later in the party anyway, so they figured they’d just take me over shortly before I am up. Don’t worry. It’s not like I’m going to crash your party or anything.”

  “Good to know.”

  Still I didn’t like the thought of her hanging around in the kitchen where Basia might discover her. I took out my cell and punched Faylene’s number, but there was no answer. I left a message for her to call me.

  I dialed Elvis’s next. He answered after five rings. “Hello?” I could barely hear him over the loud music in the background.

  “Elvis?” I shouted.

  “Lexi?”

  “Did you get Faylene to help you with your party?”

  “Yes. Yes, I did.”

  “You stole my idea?”

  “Shared not stole. I was desperate, okay? I figured you were on to something, so I jumped on the bandwagon. She said you ordered the deluxe package, so I did, too.”

  “Is she there now?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, tell her to get back here and get rid of the giant plastic cake in the kitchen. Basia almost saw Billie Sue.”

  “Who’s Billie Sue?”

  “The stripper that goes with the cake.”

  “I didn’t order a stripper,” Elvis yelled. I could hear the panic in his voice. “There was no mention of strippers.”

  “Lexi?” It was Basia’s voice again outside the kitchen door.

  “Oh, God, Elvis. Just tell Faylene to hurry, okay?”

  I slid the phone into my pocket and came out of the kitchen with a fake smile plastered on my face. “Nope. Definitely no Parmesan. No worries, though. It will probably taste just fine without it.”

  She looked at me strangely. “Why are you acting so weird?”

  “Me? Weird? This is normal for me in party situations. You know that.”

  She shrugged, probably figuring I had a point. “Okay, I saved you a seat. Come on.”

  “Great. Let me get some food.”

  I was the last guest to go through the line. There was hardly any lasagna left. We had totally decimated it. I put some food on my plate for show, but my stomach was in such anxious knots, I was pretty sure there was no way I’d be able to force anything down. At my request, Uncle Shine turned off the music
so we could speak to each other at the table without screaming.

  “Where’s your drink?” Gray asked me as I sat and then started laughing. She’d already plowed through half her lasagna. She looked completely toasted. What the heck was Uncle Shine serving them at the bar?

  “I’m in charge of this party, Gray. I have to stay focused. Plus, I can’t drink. I’m the designated driver.”

  “Designated driver? Are you kidding me? Basia told me we’re all going to take the limo home. You included. This is a bachelorette party, Lexi. You must imbibe. It’s the rule. I’ll go get you the perfect drink.”

  It wasn’t like I could stop her, so I watched as she staggered toward the bar. A few minutes later she came back with a drink.

  “What’s this?” I looked at the drink. It was green and actually smelled good.

  “An apple martini. Shaken not stirred.”

  I took a cautious sip. “It’s pretty good.”

  “Of course, it’s good. Would I steer you wrong?” Gray tipped her glass to mine. “Good work tonight, my friend. You’re sure to be voted Party Planner of the Year.”

  “I’m just hoping to survive the night.”

  On my other side, Basia nudged my arm. “OMG! Lexi, this is the best lasagna ever. Orgasmic. Who’s the caterer?”

  “A woman named Faylene. She’s got a business doing these kinds of parties. She says it’s her grandmother’s recipe.”

  From across the table, Bonnie lifted a fork of lasagna to me. “Basia’s right. It’s heavenly. Great choice of menu. This is a fantastic party.”

  I felt some of the tension of the night unwind even if my stomach revolted at the thought of eating anything. “Thanks, Bonnie.”

  Everyone ate steadily while I pretended to eat and pushed the food around on my plate. I nervously kept watching the kitchen, hoping Faylene would magically appear, but so far, nothing.

  Basia’s cousin, Jolka, who seemed overly tipsy, suddenly stood up. “I’d like to toast the bride and wish her all the best.” Her voice slurred and she burped, covering her mouth while everyone laughed. “May her days be fun and her nights filled with passion and a really, really big one.”