Unfiltered & Undone

by Payge Galvin

  “I can’t believe you’re doing this.” At this point, I dropped into a nearby chair, completely dumbfounded.

  Allie knelt in front of me and patted my hand. I knew I couldn’t have an issue with will power, because I resisted the urge to smack her. “I know I was a bad influence on you when we were younger, but I’ve changed now, Violet, and I want to help you change, too,” Allie intoned solemnly. “I did a lot of research on rehabs for your parents and I think I found a really nice one. They’ve approved. They even helped me fill out the admission paperwork. You can leave right now to start your thirty days. Won’t you please accept this offer of help?”

  I groaned, tilting my head back to stare at the ceiling, and then thinking better of it when my equilibrium shifted dramatically. “I hate you so much right now.”

  ‡

  On the drive to Tucson, I ignored Allie like it was my job. I crossed my arms over my chest and stared pointedly out the window, so I was able to appreciate the fine Arizona landscape - cactus, cactus, sand and dirt, more cactus. I caught a glimpse of a girl in the mirror, a girl with dark circles under tired brown eyes, dry, chewed-over lips and windblown curly blond hair. I slid on my sunglasses and looked away from that pale, exhausted shadow of Violet past.

  I couldn’t believe that my parents had packed my rehab to-go bag and handed me off to Allie – the same girl they used to call an “anchor friend” who dragged me down into her problems. It was like my parents considered me Allie’s problem now that their daughter wasn’t the picture-perfect, reliable girl that smiled beatifically from their mantle-piece photo display. One night was all it took.

  “Come on, Violet. It’s not going to be that bad.”

  “It’s thirty days, Allie. On top of having a suspended license until I complete a state mandated ‘alcohol education program’ for a drinking problem that I don’t have. You have screwed me. As usual.”

  “It wasn’t my idea to send you to rehab. It was your parents’ idea. You’re lucky I found this place. Your mom and dad were about to send you to some mountain camp in Tennessee with outdoor showers and six hours of Bible study every day. Bible study, Violet. Bible study.”

  “I wouldn’t have even been there the night of the arrest if it wasn’t for you, Allie. If you’d just kept your word and stayed sober. If you hadn’t been so drunk, we would have been safe at home instead of the coffee shop. I wouldn’t have had to drive and I wouldn’t have been arrested for DUI after dropping you off while driving home from illegally disposing of a body.”

  “I was there too,” Allie said a quiet, pious tone of voice that made me want to punch her. “You act like I wasn’t affected by what happened.”

  “You don’t have the nightmares that I do,” I shot back. “You walked out of the room when we shoved that body into the crematory. You weren’t even in the car when I got pulled over. And what you were there for, you only half-remember because you were drunk off your ass. As usual.”

  “I remember everything from that night!” Allie insisted as we pulled past an elaborate stone and wrought iron gate labeled NEW BEGINNINGS RECOVERY CENTER. The house building rose from the horizon; wide, low-slung and built in the hacienda style, all slate and faux adobe and subtly Spanish metal accents with a wide rounded and capped turret that took up most of the front side. A dozen smaller, round huts trailed behind the main building, like a crop of squatty toadstools against the desert backdrop. It looked like any number of buildings from the “new wave” of post-millennial construction in Arizona, but somehow, knowing that I might not be allowed to leave it for the foreseeable future, made it seem ominous as all hell.

  Allie pulled her car to a stop right in front of the sweeping, curved staircase.

  “See? This place is great!” she chirped, opening her door and sliding out into the sizzling June heat. She rounded the car and when I didn’t move to follow, she knocked on the window. In her crazy candy pink shorts, she looked like a confection on the verge of melting. “Please get out of the car, Vi. In three minutes, I’ll be nothing but a puddle of sweat on the sidewalk.”

  “This is your fault,” I rolled down the passenger window and snapped. “You should be checking in here, not me. You’re the drunk, and we both know it.”

  “I heard you the first four thousand times, and I’m still very, very sorry. But your parents are the ones who put you here. I just drove because… Because I still have my license.”

  “You did not just…” My mouth fell open in disbelief. She had actually gone there. She was talking about my “legal consequences” like she had absolutely nothing to do with them. Some petty part of my brain started to suspect that Allie might be enjoying her position as the “non-screw-up friend.”

  I shook my head and asked quietly, “What color were the dead guy’s shoes?”

  “What?”

  My voice shook and I forced my brain not to spiral back to the night everything fell apart. “What color were his shoes? You remember everything from that night, right? So you remember his blood spreading all over the coffee shop tile like an oil slick. You remember watching those black snakeskin boots through the crematory window as they melted and burned. You remember checking the crematory tray for chunks of the body that might not have been incinerated. You remember all of that, right?”

  Allie blinked at me. “Um…” She closed her eyes. “I remember holding your hair back. And two people were kissing on the floor. A redhead and a guy in a leather jacket. I remember my shoes, because they were really your shoes, and I remember coffee beans crunching beneath them. You almost fell, but I can’t remember whether that was because of the beans or the blood. But I’m sure the dead guy was wearing brown hiking boots.”

  “You almost fell, but I caught you. And they were black snakeskin boots,” I shot back. “The girl on the floor had blond dreads, and the guy she was kissing wore a suit jacket, not a leather jacket. But honestly, I’m surprised you remember being there at all, considering how drunk you were. Well, I fucking do remember it. I remember all of it, because it’s seared into my brain. I have nightmares about it almost every night. I have anxiety attacks every time I walk into my own family’s business. I will carry that around with me for the rest of my life. And it’s your fault. As usual.”

  “I know. I’m sorry. I’m a total bitch,” Allie admitted flippantly, hauling my giant floral print suitcase from the trunk with a grunt. “And you’re saying ‘fuck’ a lot more lately, by the way. But the truth is that you aren’t here because you drank, or because I drank. You’re here because you drove, and I know you had a really good reason, even if the specifics are a little hazy….”

  “A little hazy?” I leaned out of the window, hissing as I burned the crap out of my arm on the metal casing.

  Allie slammed the trunk and I could hear her struggling to pull my enormous suitcase out of the trunk. Under normal circumstances, I would jump out of the car to help her. But getting out of the car meant admitting that I was stuck here at New Beginnings. And I just wasn’t ready to admit that any of this was real yet.

  I didn’t have a problem with rehab as a concept. In fact, I admired people who could surrender their whole lives temporarily in order to get treatment for their substance issues. But I wasn’t one of those people, and I deeply resented my expected surrender.

  “We’re not talking about my problems right now. The fact is that regardless of how and why it happened, you got caught drinking and driving.” She lifted the enormous bag and penguin-walked to the front of the car. “But I’m on your side here, Vi. I will gladly haul this bag of boulders back into the trunk and drive you wherever you want to go. You don’t have to stay here. The court said ‘therapy.’ Your parents are the ones who decided on in-patient rehab, but they’re not the boss of you anymore. You’re twenty-one years old. You have the money. You can walk away any time you want.”

  “I can’t just… Ahhhgh!” I bit off a growl of frustration and leaned out of the window, careful this time not to burn myse
lf. “They’re my family, Allie. You may not care about yours, but I care about mine, and I care what they think of me. If I don’t stay, I won’t have anyone to go home to. I won’t have anybody to… I won’t have anybody. “

  “You’ll have me.”

  I squinted into the sun shining behind Allie’s head, giving her dark hair a strange, burnished halo. I’d gone too far, bringing her family into this, and I was instantly sorry for it. But I was just too damn mad to back-peddle now. “That’s not enough for me. This isn’t enough for me anymore, Allie. I can’t spend the rest of my life cleaning up after you any more than I can spend it without my family. I have to stay.”

  Allie shrugged, though the weight of my bag made it hard for her to move her shoulders. “That’s your call. Honestly, it could be a lot worse, Vi.”

  “Don’t … How can you even…?” I finally got out of the car and slammed the door behind me. I turned to yell, “This could not possibly be worse.”

  I marched toward the over-sized redwood doors, letting Allie deal with the car and the suitcase. She needed to learn to handle this stuff without me.

  “Don’t worry!” she called after me, clip-clopping against the slate driveway in her wedge sandals. “I got the bag!”

  I swear it was all I could do not to flip her the finger as I walked away.

  ‡

  It seemed wrong to be seething with rage while standing in the peaceful, luxurious lobby of New Beginnings. I was staring at the high cathedral ceilings, the expensive tooled leather furniture, the enormous stone fireplace flanked by a flat panel TV. Small distressed redwood desks marked, “Intake,” lined the back of the room.

  Employees in royal blue polo shirts manned the desks and the registration table. It seemed odd that I couldn’t see any “guests” in the lobby, but I could only guess that the patients weren’t allowed this close to an exit. They were probably locked in the back, strapped into chairs, being forced to admit they had a problem through some messed up Clockwork Orange brainwashing tactics.

  “See?” Allie chirped as she rolled my monster bag up behind me. “It doesn’t even look like a rehab. It’s like a fancy hotel. And they have spa services and equine therapy. All you have to do is go to meetings and participate in therapy, and you can get facials and massages and pedicures! And swim and ride horses! It will be like a thirty-day vacation!”

  “A thirty-day vacation, from which there is no escape,” I muttered.

  “I’m trying to do you a favor here, Violet.” She opened her shoulder bag to show her stacks of hundred dollar bills stuffed into the bag. Frantically, I closed the clasp on the bag and shoved it under her arm. “And I convinced your parents to let me use my share of the money to foot the bill at this place, so don’t tell me I don’t care. I’m paying the twenty thousand dollar deposit now, and I’ll pay the rest after you finish the program—which I’m sure you’ll do, because you’re awesome and I have faith in you.”

  “How did you talk my parents into that? And where do they think you got the money?”

  “I told them I won some big lottery scratch-offs,” she said with a shrug.

  “I can’t believe they bought that. I can’t believe you told them that. You’re all insane,” I sighed. “I am the only sane person here. In a rehab.”

  Allie exhaled slowly, as if she were trying to gather her thoughts. “Okay, you may not be an alcoholic, but you are having night terrors and anxiety attacks. You’re clearly traumatized by what went down that night in The Coffee Cave and you obviously need some sort of therapy, Violet, so why not just get it here? On my dime. You’re worth the investment, Vi.”

  “Fine. But this is the last stop on the Violet-Allie crazy train. I can’t do it anymore. I won't let you do this to me again. If you want there to be any chance of us ever being friends again, things are going to have to change,” I said in my no-bullshit tone I only used when I was really pissed at Allie.

  I sighed and glanced around the New Beginnings lobby. A place like this would be perfect for her, but she couldn’t check in with me. She couldn’t, really. We weren’t supposed to be anywhere near each other. We’d agreed—along with everyone else who was there the night of the shooting—not to talk or stay in touch. “I tell you what. I’ll stay here and get help for my problems if you get help for yours.”

  Allie pulled a sanctimonious face, all wide eyes and pursed lips. “I haven’t had a drink all week. I don’t black out anymore. I know my limits now. I don’t need help.”

  “Awesome. Getting so drunk that I had to cremate the body of a guy whose shooting we witnessed is your limit. It’s good that you know that now,” I muttered.

  “Would you please pipe down?” Allie clapped her hand over my mouth, but I shook her off. “And technically, we didn’t witness the shooting. We just overheard it.”

  “You didn’t treat the addiction, Allie. I’m not saying you haven’t made progress. But you’re still drinking, which means you still haven’t realized how completely fucked up your behavior is.” My voice dropped into a fierce conspiratorial whisper. “We’re not even supposed to be in contact anymore. You’re breaking the rules just by talking to me. You always break the rules, and if you want me to ever speak to you again, you have to swear right here and now that you’ll get help.” I glanced around the beige-and-blue tiled lobby. “Otherwise, once you walk out that door, you’ll never see me again.”

  I slung my arm toward the fancy frosted glass double doors.

  “Therapy?” Allie repeated, frowning at my emphatic nod.

  I nodded. My mouth was dry and my hands were shaking, but it was from nerves, not detox. I’d always sucked at confronting people, and this conversation, combined with the earlier scene with my parents, was the limit of what I could handle in a day. I crossed my arms around my body, as if I was trying to hold myself together enough to see this negotiation through.

  “That’s the deal. I want you to stop leaning on crutches and face your problems. I want you to commit to something and actually follow through with it for the first time in your fucked up life. I want you to grow up, Allie. And after today, you have to stay away from me until I get out of here.” Allie barely leaned back in time to avoid a face-poke from my wagging finger. “You know the rules.”

  “You want me to pinkie promise?” Allie held out the smallest finger on her right hand, grinning to make light, but I only scowled at it.

  “I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you’ll get therapy. Your word’s good enough.”

  “Because you trust me?”

  “Because you can’t lie for shit, Allie. My parents must have been desperate to believe your lottery story.”

  “Fine.” Allie closed her eyes and took a deep breath. “I’ll get therapy.”

  “You swear? You have to follow through and get therapy in an actual recognized therapy program, not from some guy in a van who promises you that the pretty crystals you’re paying three hundred dollars for will cure you of all your negative energy.”

  “Those were ethically mined from Mongolia, Vi! Also, they matched my eyes, and if that’s not good retail therapy, I don’t know what is.”

  But I only rolled my eyes and ignored her excuses. “And you have to finish the program, just like I will.”

  “I will. Start to finish. We’ll do it together. I swear on our friendship.”

  For the first time since the coffee shop, I allowed Allie to hug me. As always, she hugged with all of her might, practically picking me up with the force of her enthusiasm. Tentatively, I wrapped my arms around her waist and sagged against her. As much anger and resentment as I held toward my childhood best friend, it felt good to hug her again.

  And I felt the first prick of guilt for Allie spending her share on my rehab. For just a second, I thought about telling her to keep her bag full of money, that I would pay my own way. But then, I remembered my father’s threat to cut me off without a dime, without any resources. My dad had never threatened to do that before. And
I couldn’t trust that he wouldn’t threaten to do it again if I got a speeding ticket or a B or something. I would need to hold onto that cash just in case I needed to pay for my tuition and an apartment. So I would keep my mouth shut and let Allie pay my way.

  I put my head on her shoulder, breathing deep. “Thanks, Allie.”

  —◊—

  Read the rest of Allie and Cameron's story in Unfiltered & Unravelend, coming May 14, 2014 from Payge Galvin & Danni Pleasance. If you want to be notified when future books in the series are released, sign up for the mailing list here.

  Table of Contents

  About Unfiltered & Undone

  Chapter 1

  Chapter 2

  Chapter 3

  Chapter 4

  Chapter 5

  Chapter 6

  Chapter 7

  Chapter 8

  Chapter 9

  Chapter 10

  Chapter 11

  Chapter 12

  Chapter 13

  Chapter 14

  Chapter 15

  Chapter 16

  Chapter 17

  Chapter 18

  Chapter 19

  Chapter 20

  Chapter 21

  A Note From Payge

  A Sneak Peek Of Unfiltered & Unraveled

  Table of Contents