Layers Off (Layers Trilogy)

by Silks, Lacey

  Julian’s eyes glowed with excitement and danger, the same way they had that night. He shifted on the swing, adjusted his crotch, took my knees from underneath me, and stretched my legs out over his. Julian’s chocolaty breath smelled so different now, but I didn’t doubt it would taste just as delicious.

  “How much I enjoyed your mouth.” His finger touched my lips. “The smell of your skin and the soft curves of your body.”

  With one swift pull on my legs I was almost straddling him, as he continued, “How wet you were for me that night, and how much making love to you in my office was one of the best nights of my life.”

  I covered my mouth with my hand. Suddenly I was back at Cross Enterprises, pressed against that white couch, kissing those perfect lips I’d longed for. We’d finished off half of that scotch together that night. After the weed made the rounds from Julian’s mouth to mine, we kissed. He locked his lips around my mouth and I inhaled his breath to exchange the gray smoke.

  My thighs tightened at the memory of feeling his muscles flexing over me, his weight so perfect between my legs. His eyes were shiny and dilated as for the first time, he stretched me with ease and care before plunging into me. I’d never forget his eyes as he hit his groin against me, over and over again. His lips roamed over my body, caressing my nipples and swollen folds until that sweet release blasted as I called out his name.

  I couldn’t get enough of him that night. Our first time together had been spent drunk and high; and while I relished every single inch of him, raking my fingers through the scattered hairs on his chest, feeling their delightful tickle, I never thought he remembered. Afterwards, Julian had called Charlie, the company’s driver, who took me home. Neither one of us ever spoke about what had happened in his office.

  And tonight, six years later, the memories I’d always cherished and kept close to my heart stirred something else: a sensation I didn’t want to know again. Not after what had happened to me. Remembering the way he touched me there that night, skimming his lips along my silhouette, trailing his tongue through my warmest crevices, brining me completely undone—now it opened fresh wounds I had hoped already healed, but which hadn’t. I shifted awkwardly away from Julian.

  Reminiscing about the special time we’d shared led me directly to the black dungeon I’d escaped. They led me into the arms of disgusting men who abused me. Their sweaty smell and bile taste filled my mouth. Rough skin scraped against my palms as I was forced to fondle unkempt body parts. Their tight grip on my hair stung my scalp until I moaned in pain which they mistook as pleasure. Don’t touch me! No! Never again! I screamed in my mind.

  “Shh, K. I’ve got you. You’re safe.”

  Julian held me tight against him as I trembled. When did I start shaking so badly? And when did he pull me into his body? I sat in a fetal position, cuddled in his lap.

  “Let it go. Let it all go,” he said, tightening his arms around me, pressing my head to his chest. “You’re safe with me, always.”

  My sobs were muffled against his chest as Julian kissed the top of my head. I concentrated on the rhythm of his heart under my face and inhaled his sweet aroma. The comforting smell of freshness filled me. Calmness slowly rolled over the shakes, smoothing them to manageable ripples as he brought me back to the present. My breathing calmed and I realized where I was – far away from the dark hole I’d been buried in. I snuggled into his arms, nuzzling deeper into his body as if I were an infant. But that’s exactly how I felt in those moments. Although irrational now, the vulnerability and helplessness I’d felt that month was founded on the torturous days and nights during my capture. In Julian’s arms, I felt as if he’d given me a new beginning: another chance at life not many women in my situation were given.

  Once I remembered I was safe, I wiped my cheeks, saying, “It’s still difficult remembering the good times. I don’t want it to, but it reminds me of that month.”

  Julian lifted my chin with the tip of his finger. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s too early. All I want is for you to be healthy.” He kissed the top of my head again, breathing me in.

  “No, I’m glad you said it. I didn’t think you remembered.” I let out a long breath, running my fingers through my hair. Things could have been so different if I’d acknowledged what had happened between us six years ago.

  “How could I not? You were my first.”

  Did I just feel Julian flinch? I could swear the words had just slipped out of his mouth. I pulled away and regarded Julian’s face. That slight hint of pink covered his cheeks, and the way he looked at me right at that moment, with the innocence of his youth and adoration meant only for me, I couldn’t help but feel warm and fuzzy inside. After all these years, this man still had the same effect on me as the day I met him.

  “Really?” I whispered. “But you were like, twenty-one?”

  “So? I never found anyone I could connect to the way I did with you, that day on the train.”

  “But you could have had any other woman.” Was it really possible that the hunk I’d met on the train lost his virginity to me? He sure hadn’t looked like a virgin back then. And what he did to me in that office – it surely couldn’t have been the work of a first timer. And more importantly, could it be true he’d only wanted me?

  “Having a high profile name draws in the wrong kind of crowd, so I stayed clear of any other women. You know how busy we were with the business and all,” he stuttered nervously. “There was barely any time for fun. Besides, I only wanted you. Always did, and always will.”

  Holy crap!

  “Those moves you did that night seemed quite experienced.” I hesitated, feeling the warmth swoosh in my belly again.

  “I may have been a virgin, but I was not a saint, K. I’ve had my share of fooling around. There’s so much you can do with a woman’s body, and you know how much I love learning.” That rusty growl rolled off his tongue like a promise to show me exactly what he could do. Shivers coursed through me, centering deep in my core, and I found it difficult to swallow. Hearing him say things like that, and not feeling them directly on my skin or remembering from my own experiences, was so different – in a good way.

  “I’m sorry. I should know better than this. I shouldn’t be this forward with you.”

  “No, baby steps are all right. Talking is good; remembering not so much. It’s like I’m getting ready for you to be my first all over again. If that’s what you want, that is.” My voice shook. Did I just ask Julian if he was waiting for us to have sex? Was that even on his mind? Why was it on mine? Our relationship had been so casual yet so intense the past few weeks of my recovery, I wasn’t too sure how to compartmentalize it. Part of me wanted no physical contact, yet another wanted it all.

  Was this even a relationship? Perhaps Julian just wanted to help me get better, that’s all. And here I was thinking it was more than that.

  I’m such a freak! I felt my cheeks heat and turned to face him. I needed to know where we stood. What we were exactly? I’d been living at Julian’s house for weeks, and he didn’t seem to keen on me leaving. Did that mean something, or was I reading too much into this?

  He leaned back, a veil of shock covering his face.

  “I crossed a line, didn’t I? I’m such a fool.” I lowered my head. A swarm of embarrassment tingled me all over. That odd sensation of wanting to die crept up my spine. I bet I could crawl into that tiny crack in the wall on the other side of the room. Imagining myself away from Julian was next to impossible, though, because living without him just didn’t make sense.

  “No, K. Everything is fine.” He lifted my chin with his finger. “I just always assumed Tristan was your first.”

  Phew! Was that all?

  “I’m not that easy, Julian. I have some self-respect.” I nudged him with my shoulder. “Except with you... I didn’t need to hesitate with you.”

  “I’d never think that about you, K. But you had been together for a while before we...”

&nb
sp; The mere memory of that night stung deliciously between my legs in a way I hadn’t felt in a long time—and that I hadn’t thought I could feel again. And this time, it stirred no bad thoughts.

  An awkward silence pushed us apart. I organized my thoughts before I spoke again.

  “Why are you doing this, Julian? Why do you care so much? How can you have so much hope for me?”

  He ran his fingers through his hair. Julian did that a lot when he was nervous. “I let you go once. I let another man steal you away from me. Albeit my brother, but it doesn’t matter. I faltered the moment my feelings were challenged, and I shouldn’t have.”

  “What feelings?” I whispered.

  “Kendra, we’ve been friends for a long time. That night, in my office, you opened up my world. You showed me what I could have beyond work and countless hours at the office. I shouldn’t have let you go. I was blinded by your relationship with Tristan and didn’t realize what I truly felt. I forbid myself to believe it was more than a friendship. I thought I made a mistake. But what happened between us, from that very first day on the train, to that night in my office, was more than friendship. It always has been.” He paused for a moment regarding me.

  I felt my mouth open slightly, breathing in his words.

  “What I felt in here” – Julian tapped his chest – “grew every time I saw you, even when you were with my brother. Do you know how many times I beat him up in that boxing ring because I thought about his mouth on yours? He could never figure out where I found the strength and drive to win every single challenge. And it was you – it was always you. I’ve cared about you for years. I’ve wanted you every hour of every day. Any woman I dated seemed like nothing compared to you. That flare in your eyes was contagious. Your rambunctious spark pitched inside me. You had so many ideas for the club and you were so excited I wondered how in the world you managed to have such spirit and so much hope.”

  Julian then stopped, cupped the side of my face with his right hand, and whispered, “I saw your face every time I closed my eyes. I’ve made love to you countless times in my dreams, wishing I’d never wake up.”

  Holy fuck!

  I just stared, breathing him in, waiting for that moment his mouth would crush to mine to transfer everything he’d said in that one kiss, but he stayed in his seat, lowering his hands away from my face, down to my thighs. After that, Julian didn’t budge. He just sat there, breathing and watching my reaction.

  “Does that scare you?” he finally asked.

  I couldn’t get a word out.

  “Say something, K. Is this too much?” he asked in a whisper. Apprehension drew furrowed lines along his forehead.

  I closed my eyes, feeling the pressure pop underneath my lashes and spill to the corner, and then trail slowly trail along my cheeks.

  “Please, don’t cry. I didn’t want to make you sad. Kendra, I’m sorry. Please say something.”

  My hands trembled and my chest tightened. “I’ve been in love with you for years.” The words spilled before I realized what I’d said. My hand flew to my mouth, shutting it closed before anything else stupid came out. The baby steps I wanted to take had turned into a giant’s leaps.

  Julian slowly pulled my hand away from my mouth before asking, “You love me?”

  I simply nodded, definitely not expecting a reply or any sort of reciprocation on his part. Yet my body began to shake all on its own. The trembles flew through like an unexpected storm. Why was I so frail, and when would I recover that spirit Julian spoke about?

  “Shh, I’ve got you, K. C’mere.” He drew me to him. “We’ll figure it all out. I promise we will.”

  “I wish I’d said something the next morning,” I added.

  “You’re not the only one, K.” I felt my head rise higher with his chest. “I wish I didn’t care about what others thought, but you were still my brother’s girl, and underage. I had my father’s company to think about, and its reputation. I will never forgive myself for that, K. Instead of asking you how you felt about us and whether you wanted to continue what we started, I went on a business trip. And when I came back—”

  “—I was back with Tristan.” I snuggled deeper into Julian’s comfortable body. “He was like a drug to me, you know. I got high on the fact that I could manipulate him and use him right in front of your eyes. It’s like I always knew it would hurt you, and that’s what I wanted, because I was hurting.”

  “You were hurting because of me,” he whispered.

  I looked up to his face. The tension in his jaw tightened all the muscles, and I was afraid it would snap.

  “I’m the one who drove you to...”

  Did Julian think it was his fault I turned to drugs and alcohol? No! That had nothing to do with him. My past, the nightmares, and memories of a fucked up teacher were the source of my demise.

  “Julian, this is not your fault. I was young and stupid and naive with issues the size of a continent. In the beginning, I messed around with Tristan to hurt you. But it wasn’t until later – when I thought you didn’t want anything to do with me – that it became more serious between me and your brother.”

  “Because you thought I didn’t remember making love to you?”

  “Yes. I fooled myself into believing you could feel what I felt. I convinced myself I could have with Tristan what I’d always imagined in you – and believe me, I tried to – to the point of pretending it was you with me, in our bed.” I felt sick to my stomach. How could I have ever thought my relationship with Tristan was true and real when I kept pretending he was Julian? “I have so much explaining to do.” I buried my face in my hands again.

  “Please, don’t cover your face from me. We’ll get through everything together, I promise.”

  “Yeah, if Tristan doesn’t strangle me first.” The choke escaping my lungs was broken.

  “Tristan’s head over heels in love with Allie. And he’ll never stop caring about you, Kendra. You’ll get your chance to make those amends when we go to Vienna for Gabe and Sam’s wedding.”

  Julian shifted to lean against the side of the swing. He lifted his legs to the seat, wrapping them around me from behind. I lay down on his chest, savoring the movement of his every breath. The simple comfort of talking to him about my past instead of the two shrinks who visited me was overwhelming. He understood me. Julian knew me, and he would stand by me until all the layers of my past scars were off.

  The sun had vanished beyond the horizon. White flakes floated outside, shimmering in the patio light. I loved staying in the sunroom. It was peaceful. I relished the simple things in life I’d thought I’d never feel or see again.

  “So, where exactly does that leave us?” I asked.

  “I’m not sure, K. But I’m not going to rush into anything or make hasty decisions before you’re well.”

  Did that include loving me? Just being within Julian’s reach uncoiled everything inside me that I so desperately tried to stuff away. Were these feelings all right for me to have? I still had so many unanswered questions for him and from my past. Perhaps Julian was right. Maybe we needed more time to heal. And there was nothing more that I wanted than to leave the bitch-fest-like life behind me, and start fresh and strong – which I definitely hadn’t been. If I was going to start my life over, I couldn’t make the mistakes I’d made in the past. I couldn’t deny what I’d always felt for Julian anymore. And once I was convinced I could truly deal with the torture my body and mind had suffered during my captivity – without wanting to die, that is – maybe there was a chance to reclaim what was mine. Run Kissed, my nightclub, like the responsible owner I should have been, and earn a chance to be with Julian.

  Julian kissed the top of my head and I closed my eyes.

  He rubbed my side arm, holding me. The moment of silence between us said it all. All those lost years, the rivalry between the brothers, and my downward spiral into drugs to forget about the only man I’d ever loved could have been avoided.

  “There’s somet
hing else I need to tell you.” I curled my knees back underneath me and looked up to see his face. Julian’s beautiful eyes were like two amber gems.

  “That you think I’m the wiser brother because I have you here?” He squeezed my hands in encouragement.

  I rolled my eyes and sat up higher, whispering, “I broke your heart and it’s you I tried to kill.”

  “Why would you say that, K?”

  I could feel the shivers of surprise pass over Julian’s entire body.

  “Tristan thinks it’s his fault I stabbed him, but it’s not. When I looked at his face, I saw you. You and that other girl you were dating after we – you know.”

  “You were with my brother. Even after our night together, you went back to Tristan. I truly thought you didn’t want anything to do with me.”

  I felt my cheeks droop lower.

  “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to accuse.” He smoothed his thumbs over my brows.

  “I always hoped you’d try to win me back,” I whispered. “Even after I went back to him.”

  “He’s my brother. I couldn’t do that to him. When we made love in my office, I thought you weren’t together then.”

  “I understand that now, but I didn’t then. I was stupid, immature, and not worthy of either one of you.” I stood up off the swing. Cold breeze wrapped around me as if trying to steal away every ounce of warmth Julian had given me. Without Julian’s arms around me, I felt naked. I neared the window, watching the patch from my breath enlarge. “I think Tristan always knew I wasn’t right for him. That’s why he said we were moving too quickly when I mentioned marriage. And, now, well, he has a white scar decorating his chest.”

  Julian chuckled. “He must have flipped.” I heard him shift but didn’t realize he was already up, standing behind me.

  “You think? I flipped too, and stabbed him. I didn’t mean to. I really didn’t mean to.” I turned around. I’d been high that night too, but I wouldn’t blame the drugs. It was all my doing.

  Julian tucked a stray lock behind my ear. “I know. You’ll tell him when the time is right.” He leaned forward to take me into his arms. My head rested comfortably against him.