Marie's Journey (Ginecean Chronicles)

by La Porta, Monica

  “Verena, please, don’t tell anybody you saw me.” Carnia’s eyes were red and swollen, her face streaked from hours of crying.

  Marie pitied her, but she couldn’t understand why Carnia was taking it so hard. Clearly, she didn’t have a problem being around men.

  “I can’t. You know that.” Verena sounded even more heartbroken than Carnia.

  “I won’t leave.” Carnia’s statement had a finality Marie didn’t like.

  “Don’t say it like that.” Marie was getting scared. It was an unfamiliar situation for her and she wasn’t sure what they were dealing with exactly. The presence of a man among them unnerved her. It was wrong. “They’ll treat you with respect. I’ve been told you aren’t forced to—” She didn’t know how to say the words without being crude.

  “I won’t leave him.”

  “What?” What the heck is she talking about? “Verena?” Marie looked at her roommate, hoping she could confirm she had heard wrong.

  “I’ll kill myself.” Carnia raised one hand and showed a pair of open scissors before directing the sharp edge against her wrist.

  “Wow! You can’t be serious.” Marie’s head went back and forth from Verena to Carnia. Once, she intercepted Grant looking at her, desperation in his eyes. This is not happening. “Verena, do something!”

  “Carnia, please, think.” Verena walked slowly toward the couple. “You don’t want to harm yourself.” She reached out her hand and took Carnia’s, carefully putting distance between the razor edge of the scissors and her wrist. “It’s not the end of the world. You’ll serve seven years and then you’ll retire somewhere nice.”

  “I’ll wait for you,” Grant said, surprising everybody.

  “Will you?” Carnia turned to face him, her arms flying to his shoulders.

  “I will.” He took her in his arms, then bent to kiss her as if they were alone.

  Marie gasped, her senses confused by a barrage of feelings fighting for supremacy. One, stronger than the others, begged to be recognized and Marie gasped again. A longing to be held like Carnia was being held by Grant. Wanting to see the possessiveness in his eyes while he was looking at her. Marie wanted that. Idra? She thought that conjuring her soft lips would realign her emotional chaos, but it didn’t. Thinking of all the stolen embraces in the dark corridors of the Institute didn’t douse the flames of the fire consuming her. She finally averted her eyes, ashamed of looking longer than was proper. Ashamed for much more than that.

  The couple stood silent and still for a while, neither Verena nor Marie saying anything to break the spell, but eventually, Carnia stepped away from Grant and went straight to Verena’s open arms.

  “You’ll see. Seven years will fly away.” Verena contained her voice until the last word, and then she started crying along Carnia. “It won’t be long until I’m chosen. We’ll be together soon. Don’t worry.”

  Marie felt bad for Verena, who was so sure she was destined to bear fathered kids and couldn’t envision anything better.

  “Can you give us ten more minutes?” Carnia had gone to Grant again.

  “Sure.” Verena gave Marie a look and they both retraced their steps and exited the Apothecary in complete silence. Once outside, Verena led a meaningless chase through the main building and courtyard, letting everybody know she was still looking for Carnia. Close to an hour later, they went back to the Apothecary to retrieve Carnia.

  “I’m sorry, but you must come with me now.” Verena offered her hand to the redhead.

  Marie saw how Grant’s arms tightened around Carnia for the briefest moment before he relaxed them, but at the last moment, he bent and murmured something in her ear. Carnia threw her arms around his neck and kissed him fiercely, sobs wracking her slim frame.

  “Please.” Verena pried Carnia from Grant by gently grabbing her shoulders. “Please, don’t make me call the elders.”

  At her plead, Grant helped by stepping back as he pushed Carnia forward.

  “I don’t want anybody else but you.” Carnia refused to let him go, freeing herself from Verena’s hold to seek his embrace once more.

  Only this time, he slowly shook his head and kept her away from him. “You’ll be treated with respect.”

  “Carnia, I’m begging you. I can’t stall people forever. You must come with me now.”

  Voices and steps echoed from the outside. “I found her!” Verena yelled, then added at a softer volume, “Go away,” looking at Grant.

  He nodded, gave Carnia one last kiss, and disappeared into the shadows. One moment later, the three of them met the elders who had come looking for Carnia. Not a single question was asked, which Marie found peculiar, and Carnia was escorted to the bus, her belongings already packed in one big sack.

  When the bus left, Marie finally felt something akin to sympathy for the girl who had stared at them by the window, eyes bloodshot.

  “I’m next.” She heard Verena whisper.

  “No, you aren’t,” she shot back, angry at the whole world. Angry she was only fifteen. Angry she was born a fathered woman. Just angry.

  A whole week passed; nothing new happened. Carnia’s departure had touched everybody. Even Marie felt her mood darkening. The kitchen, normally a silent place, became sepulchral. Girls cried at every small remark from the chef, who had finally come back. People got sick to their stomachs from Madame Lana’s cold stares, literally. One girl had to be sent to the infirmary after an unfortunate accident involving the rector and a salty salad. Verena escaped into hard work and went to sleep every night exhausted, only to exchange no more than two words with Marie, who at the end of the week was starving for human contact. Any human contact.

  Anytime the chef looked for volunteers to go fetch something from the cellars, Marie found herself raising her hands with barely hidden enthusiasm. She was never alone though; one or more scullery maids were sent along to help her carry the heavier burdens.

  “Forget something?” the girl running errands with her asked, looking toward the dark spot Marie had been staring at for the last minute.

  “Do you know where they keep the marzipan?” Marie immediately made up a question.

  “Over there.” The girl’s chin pointed at the aisle where the sweets were kept.

  Marie nodded. “Do you think I can take some?”

  “I saw nothing.” The girl smiled and turned the other way, not before giving her a wink, then hopping toward the exit.

  Marie went along with the charade and took a small piece of marzipan from the big square. Then she changed her mind and took a second piece for the girl. One last look at the corner, where she expected a rectangular opening into the men’s world, and a big sigh escaped her mouth. The wall looked untouched and perfectly sound. She backed up slowly and joined the girl waiting for her at the end of the stairs with an expectant look on her face.

  “Thank you.” The girl’s eyes widened at the sight of the sweet morsel. The marzipan disappeared in her mouth and she moaned loudly.

  Marie laughed at the girl’s reaction to her small gift. “For what?” She winked.

  “Nothing at all.” The girl laughed back, wiping her mouth with her small hand.

  Marie walked to the kitchen, her mood worsening again after the temporary reprieve. Normally, the sight of the cavernous room devoid of happiness wasn’t conducive to happiness, but she felt even more despondent than usual. Hours passed, tedious chore after tedious chore, and finally, dinnertime arrived. She didn’t feel like eating or talking, and so, after grabbing a half loaf of fresh bread and a few olives from a jar, she opted for a walk in the courtyard. She headed toward a big mulberry tree with its limbs shaped by the gardeners to resemble a big umbrella and sat under it. Someone had put a soft cushion on the tree’s roots and Marie’s thoughts went to the sweet embraces she had shared so many times with Idra. She hadn’t expected to miss Idra with such heartache.

  “Do you mind if I join you?” Verena was looking at her, peeking between the carefully laced limbs of the
tree.

  Marie blinked once and tried to smile. “Come inside.” She moved on the cushion to free some space.

  “Sorry I haven’t been great company lately.” Verena sat, graciously folding her long legs beneath her.

  Marie liked that trait in her. Verena managed to be elegant despite her statuesque size and she was a nice person. “Don’t worry about it. I understand.”

  “I wonder how she’s doing.” Verena shifted on the cushion, her hand curling up one of her long locks, her fingers rolling her dark hair in a tight coil.

  “Can you talk to her?” Marie didn’t want to talk about Carnia, but the look in her friend’s eyes said she needed to.

  “Not the first three months. They’re kept in isolation and tested.”

  “Tested?” Marie felt uncomfortable.

  Verena nodded, her eyes suddenly distant. “If she’s lucky, she’ll prove to be difficult.”

  “What do you mean?” The uneasiness evolved into fear of hearing the answer. She had heard rumors.

  “At the factories, they don’t have time to waste with girls who don’t prove to be fertile right away.”

  “What happen to those girls?”

  “It’s said they’re discarded.”

  “Waste plants?” A sudden gust of wind reached them under the safety of the tree’s branches and Marie shivered.

  Verena shrugged. “I guess.”

  Although Marie had been taught that ending in a waste plant was a better fate than serving as a mother, she wasn’t sure Carnia would be happy. “She’ll be fine. Don’t worry.” She didn’t have a clue of what she was talking about, but she felt the need to reassure Verena once more. The wind shook the branches with more strength and the whole green umbrella swayed under the assault. Something darted at the corner of Marie’s eye and she automatically turned right, only to see Grant stepping back into the shadows of the corner. He was listening. Her heart skipped a beat.

  “What was it?” Verena tilted her head and Marie rearranged her body in a useless attempt at hiding Grant’s presence when he was probably already gone.

  “Nothing.”

  “A cat, probably.”

  Marie wished she were alone. “Yes, a cat.” He wants to know about Carnia. She felt her stomach contract.

  “Are you okay?” Verena had already forgotten the cat, worriedly staring at Marie.

  “I must’ve eaten too fast.” With a swift touch of her fingers, she pushed the untouched bread and olives behind her. “It’s getting cold.” She massaged her arms to reinforce her statement. “Let’s go inside.”

  Verena followed her back to their room. Much to Marie’s disappointment, it was soon evident Verena was in a chatty mood, whereas Marie would’ve preferred silence and solitude. She sat on the desk, her body uncomfortably angled toward the window, her eyes trying to locate the mulberry tree four floors below. Darkness had already claimed the courtyard, but she kept looking downward, hoping against hope to see Grant. A sudden shift in light made her glue her face to the windowpane.

  “You’re acting strange.” Verena stopped folding the pile of clothes on the bed and walked to the desk, leaning to peer over Marie’s shoulders. “The moon’s so pretty tonight.”

  Marie raised her eyes to the sky, saw the full moon illuminating the roofs, and wished the light could reach the dark courtyard, but the buildings facing Redfarm were tall and stole the moonlight for themselves. The flickering light she had seen a moment ago was already lost under the canopy of the tall trees Madame Lana was proud of. She squinted, hoping to see the light reemerge between one swaying branch and another, but the wind had simmered to a gentle breeze and nothing moved.

  Suddenly, a gnawing longing to be needed assailed Marie. It must have shown on her face because Verena hugged her.

  “You still miss her.” Verena released her to look into her eyes. “Idra,” she explained when Marie looked back, puzzled by her statement.

  “How do you know about her?” But Marie had an idea of how her roommate would know Idra’s name.

  “You talk in your sleep. A lot.”

  Marie flushed.

  “Don’t be ashamed. I had a sweetheart before coming here. Had to leave her behind too.” Verena tilted her head to mimic Marie’s position. “I liked her, but I was young and she was young.”

  “What about her?”

  “Haven’t heard from her in years. She’s pretty. I’m sure she found someone who makes her happy.”

  “Do you ever think that if you hadn’t left, you’d be together now?” Marie walked to the bed to put some personal space between her and Verena, sat on the edge, and hugged herself.

  “Of course I do. I wouldn’t be crying after a girl who’ll never look at me twice. I think I’d be happy.” Verena sighed and sat on the bed, back to back with Marie “I know I’d be happier.”

  Marie couldn’t see the girl’s face, but she heard the sadness in her voice. Her hand traveled on the duvet, looking for Verena’s.

  Verena squeezed back. “I’m telling you this so you know life goes on. A month from now, or maybe two, this pain you’re feeling when you think of her will lessen and it will disappear altogether.”

  Marie changed position to take Verena in her arms and cradled her. You’re lying. It doesn’t get any better, does it? She caressed her friend’s head, following the cascade of hair down to the bed. “You’ll be happy.”

  “Thank you.” Verena sniffed again, and from the tone of her voice, Marie understood she didn’t believe her.

  They stayed silent for a while and then retired for the night in their respective beds. Marie closed her eyes, and the last thing she thought before finally falling asleep was that someone was still pining over Carnia. And she didn’t like it. A man shouldn’t even dare thinking about a woman. She rationalized her distress over the situation. It isn’t natural.

  4

  Two months later, Marie had found a boring, although not completely unpleasant, rhythm in her daily chores. She still was nothing more than a scullery maid, but a growing familiarity with the other girls helped a great deal in making her judge Redfarm with different eyes—with the exception of those situations where the farm rector was involved.

  “When you’re done with your kitchen duty, come up to the infirmary.” Madame Lana had graced the kitchen with one of her unexpected and unwelcomed visits. Now, she was staring at a dumbfounded Marie, who should’ve known better by now and acted smart before the rector. Instead, Marie was silently praying to have understood the order correctly. “Are you deaf?”

  “I apologize, madam.” Marie bowed her head low. “I’m just too happy for—”

  Madame Lana raised her bony hand to stop her in midsentence. “There’s no opportunity yet. First, you must prove I need you out of the kitchen.”

  “Thank you, thank you—”

  Madame Lana’s fingers came dangerously close to Marie’s moving lips, but thankfully stopped before making contact. Marie inadvertently stepped back to avoid being touched by the rector’s cold hand and realized she had probably offended her. Something flickered behind the woman’s eyes, something as cold as her skin. “Finish what you’re doing and go upstairs.” She barked several orders and then left the kitchen followed by two unlucky girls who were responsible for having poured one teaspoon of sugar too many in her coffee.

  The chef smiled a sad smile Marie’s way and she shivered. Chef had just treated the two crying girls with the same show of affection. “I’m going to train as a nurse,” Marie said out loud to test how the idea sounded once worded.

  “The doctor needs a replacement for Carnia, but so far nobody has passed the first two weeks.” Chef shrugged as if she didn’t like to be the bearer of bad news. “Two full months have passed already since Carnia left and the infirmary doesn’t have a full staff yet. Madame Lana—”

  “But she’s not there often, is she?” Marie had the presence of mind of lowering her voice and avoided mentioning Madame Lana directly.

>   Chef covered her mouth with her beefy hand to muffle her words. “She’s everywhere at Redfarm. Lately, she’s driving everybody crazy.” Everybody in the kitchen had heard, judging from the coughing and the unnecessary stirring of wooden ladles inside empty pots. “Don’t worry with peeling the rest of the potatoes. Go wash yourself clean.”

  Marie thanked the chef but hesitated. All of a sudden, the idea of leaving the kitchen—the place she had despised wholeheartedly until a minute ago—didn’t sound as promising as she had fantasized so many times in the last three months.

  “Go, don’t make her wait.”

  “But she was adamant about me finishing my chores…” Marie felt like a child digging her heels on the ground.

  “You don’t know her like I do. Go scrub your skin until it’s squeaky clean and don’t forget to wear a pinafore over your dress.” Chef walked her out, gently pushing her along. “Remember, listen to her, nod, and never contradict Madame Lana.”

  “Yes, ma’am. Thanks, ma’am.” Marie found herself unwillingly thrown out of the kitchen.

  “Don’t waste time, child.” Chef’s words echoed in the hallway and several elders passing by raised their collective brows to stare at Marie. She was on the second floor when running steps reached her.

  “Is it true? You got out of potato duty?” Verena jumped on the step before Marie, forcing her to stop. “It’s true, then. How did you manage?” Something resembling a mix of awe and mischievousness colored the girl’s face.

  “You’re pretty when you think the worst about friends.” Marie couldn’t help but smile. “From what I understand, I didn’t exactly win a prize.”

  “You hate the kitchen.” Verena moved out of the way and they both resumed climbing toward the fourth floor.

  “Not sure I’m going to like the infirmary any better.” Once again, she felt childish.

  “Madame Lana’s been particularly a pain in the—”