'Til I Kissed You

by Pam Howes

  ‘Jane, go on ahead with the others. There’s someone I just want to have a quick word with.’

  ‘Okay,’ Jane replied, following Jon, and Sammy’s parents, out of the churchyard.

  Eddie waited until they were out of sight and strode over to Livvy. She looked up at him, blue eyes anxious in her pale face.

  ‘What are you doing here, Livvy?’ he asked her gently.

  ‘I came to pay my last respects to Nick,’ she replied, eyes brimming with tears. ‘He used to be my friend.’

  Eddie patted her shoulder. ‘I know, love and I understand. But don’t you think it was a bit insensitive to turn up today? Sammy’s had enough upset to last her a lifetime these last few weeks.’

  Livvy nodded. ‘Yes, I’m sure. Jon told me Sammy had done some awful things to Roy when she found out about us.’

  ‘She did. But Nick’s death’s made the problems they had pale into insignificance,’ he replied.

  Livvy’s lips trembled and she dug her hands deep into her jacket pockets. She looked around at the congregation who were slowly dispersing and leaving the churchyard.

  ‘Is everyone going back to Roy’s house?’

  ‘Yes,’ Eddie replied. ‘How come you’re not at work? Jon, Sean and John Grey are all here. Who’s looking after the store?’

  ‘Ian from instruments is in the record department until I get back. It’s my lunch hour. I just wanted to say goodbye to Nick, that’s all.’

  ‘Go back to work now you’ve done that,’ Eddie advised. ‘Whatever you do, don’t contact Roy. Keep your distance. Let him and Sammy have a chance to get their heads around things.’

  ‘I really need to speak to Roy,’ Livvy replied, looking directly at Eddie.

  ‘No you don’t, Livvy,’ Eddie said, a little more sharply than he intended. ‘Just leave him alone.’

  ‘Before Nick’s accident, Roy was going to call me when he got back from London. Obviously he hasn’t done because of what’s happened,’ she said.

  ‘The affair’s over. It’s time to put it behind you. Get on with your life. Let Roy and Sammy get on with picking up the pieces of theirs.’

  She folded her arms across her chest and looked away. ‘I do need to speak to Roy,’ she repeated. ‘I’ve something to tell him. Will you ask him to call me, please?’

  ‘No, I won’t. Now stop this and go back to work, please.’

  ‘Don’t patronise me, Eddie. If you won’t ask him to call me, perhaps you’ll be good enough to pass on a message, or I’m going to have to phone him myself.’

  Realising that he didn’t have much choice, Eddie nodded. ‘Listen, I have to go or I’ll be missed. What’s the message?’

  ‘Just tell him I’m pregnant,’ she replied quietly. She turned and walked away.

  Eddie felt as though someone had snatched the ground from beneath his feet and hit him between the eyes with a cannon ball. Had he heard right? ‘Livvy,’ he called, running after her. ‘Livvy, wait.’

  She spun round, defiance etched on her pale face.

  ‘What did you say?’ He grabbed her by the shoulders and looked at her tearstained face.

  ‘I’m pregnant,’ she sobbed, ‘with Roy’s baby.’

  ‘Oh, Jesus Christ!’ Eddie clapped his hand to his forehead. ‘I don’t believe it. That’s all we fucking need! Are you sure?’

  She nodded. ‘It was confirmed the day Nick died. I’m three months gone.’

  ‘I can’t tell Roy this, I just can’t. Not today anyway.’ He wracked his brains for a temporary solution, one that would prevent Livvy from contacting Roy. ‘What day are you off next week?’

  ‘Monday,’ she replied. ‘Why?’

  ‘Right then, I’ll call you on Monday morning. We need to talk about this. I presume you know what you want to do?’ She nodded and the tears started again. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Don’t worry. I’ve been in this position myself. It’s scary, I know, but these days you have choices, which is more than me and Jon’s mum had.’

  Livvy smiled weakly, looking a bit more cheerful for confiding in him.

  ‘Listen, I tell you what; I won’t phone you. I’ll come and see you on Monday after I’ve dropped Katie and Dom at school. It’ll probably be about nine-thirty. For God’s sake don’t tell a soul, not even our Jon. Jane will kill me if she finds out I’ve even been talking to you. I must go, I’ll see you Monday, okay?’

  Livvy nodded, thanked him and walked towards her car.

  As he left the churchyard, Eddie’s mind worked overtime. He wouldn’t say a word to Roy about Livvy’s pregnancy until he’d spoken to her on Monday morning. For fuck’s sake, Roy was forty-two, contraception was available everywhere you looked and he’d still managed to put her in the club. He sighed as he crunched up the long gravel driveway of Jasmine House. Jesus Christ! The press will have a bloody field day if this ever gets out so soon after Nick’s death.

  ***

  Roy met Eddie in the hallway and handed him a whisky. ‘Where’ve you been?’

  ‘Talking to someone,’ Eddie replied cagily.

  ‘Was it Livvy by any chance?’

  ‘What makes you think that?’

  ‘Because Jason told me he’d spotted her near the church, but obviously he couldn’t go and speak to her. Don’t tell Sammy she was there.’

  ‘What do you take me for, Roy?’

  ‘Is she alright? I haven’t been able to give her much thought these last few weeks. I’ve been so upset over Nick that nothing else mattered. But as everyone keeps telling me, life must go on. I suppose I should call her, see if she’s okay. After all, Nick was her friend too. They were fond of one another before I messed things up.’

  ‘She’s fine. She wanted to pay her last respects to Nick, that’s all. Don’t call her, concentrate on things here with Sammy. Livvy will get over you eventually if you don’t get in touch.’

  Roy nodded. ‘Did she ask after me, give you any messages for me?’

  ‘Not a thing. She realises it’s over and you’re back with Sammy.’

  ***

  Eddie went to find Jane. She was sitting in the lounge with Sammy, and Sean’s wife Tina, all three wearing expressions of grief. He couldn’t begin to imagine the pain that Sammy and Roy must be experiencing.

  Jason and Jules were sitting with Jess and Jon; tell tale signs of tears on their faces. Jon caught his dad’s eye across the room and walked over.

  ‘Where have you been, Dad? I was beginning to get worried.’

  ‘I just met someone I know at the church and got chatting,’ Eddie replied.

  ‘Livvy?’ Jon whispered. ‘Jason saw her too.’

  Eddie sighed. ‘Yes, it was Livvy. Don’t tell your mother or Sammy, for God’s sake.’

  Jon looked closely at his dad. ‘You know, don’t you? She’s told you.’

  ‘I presume we’re talking about the same thing?’ Eddie said, pulling Jon into the hall.

  Jon nodded. ‘I guessed last month and so did Sean. She was constantly checking the calendar and throwing up, always a sure sign. We promised her we’d support her while she decides what she wants to do.’

  ‘She doesn’t have a choice, not with circumstances like these,’ Eddie replied.

  Jon looked startled. ‘Dad, of course she has a choice. I’m surprised at you for saying that. There’s always a choice.’

  'No, she doesn’t, Jon. If Livvy goes ahead with the pregnancy, it wouldn’t take long for Sammy to put two and two together and workout that she’s carrying Roy’s baby. Change the subject, here he comes.’

  ‘Are you two alright for a drink?’ Roy asked, peering at their glasses. ‘Top up, Jon?’

  ‘No thanks, Roy; I’ll drive home, give Mum and Dad a chance to have a drink and unwind a bit.’

  ‘What were you talking about just then?’ Roy asked Eddie.

  ‘Oh nothing really, were we, son? Just about Jon getting in touch with Angie’s family. He was supposed to go to his grandfather’s funeral but because of the acc
ident it went out of our minds. I’ve suggested he ring Angie’s sister and explain what happened.’

  Jon nodded his agreement. ‘She’s probably read about the accident in the paper. But I’ll call her. Not this week though. I can’t get my head around anything at the moment.’

  ‘Fair enough,’ Eddie agreed. ‘Do it when you’re ready.’

  ‘What’s going to happen to Jess and Nick’s flat? She’s not been back since the accident,’ Jon asked.

  Eddie shrugged. ‘I’ll have to let the estate agent know she won’t be back. We’ll empty it soon and put her things in storage. She’s told your mum she wants to stay at home. Anyway she can’t manage to do anything for herself until her arm and foot are out of plaster.’

  ‘Poor kid.’ Roy looked across at Jess. ‘Her whole future ruined just because some sodding arsehole couldn’t wait two fucking minutes. If I ever find out who he is, I’ll kill him, I swear it.’

  Roy was getting upset again. Eddie patted his shoulder in a comforting manner. The grief came in waves, one minute Roy was coping and the next he was flying off the handle or crying.

  ‘What really gets me,’ Roy continued, ‘and I know that they mean well of course, is when people say it was for the best. How can it be for the best? I’ve lost my eldest son. That can’t be right, can it? I know he would have stayed in a coma, but where there’s life there’s hope. Now there’s nothing, just this bloody big black hole with no bottom. It’s the worst nightmare in the world. No parent expects to attend their child’s funeral, do they?’

  Eddie swallowed the lump in his throat. ‘I realise how lucky Jane and I are to still have Jess, even though at this moment she wishes she was with Nick. She says she’s nothing to live for and listening to her crying herself to sleep at night crucifies me. I’d like to get my hands round that bastard driver’s neck and wring the fucking life out of him!’

  The phone rang out at that moment and Molly hurried to answer it. She came back into the lounge and spoke quietly to Roy.

  ‘That was your old friend Stuart Green. He’s on his way over. He’s only just heard the news about Nick. He’s been away and got back home yesterday. He called to see his mum this morning and she told him what had happened.’

  ‘It’ll be really nice to see him again,’ Roy said. ‘Sammy tried to contact him about the funeral and left a message with his mum.’

  ‘Go and tell Sammy,’ Eddie suggested. ‘She always got on well with Stu, and if it hadn’t been for him and John Grey, there might not be any of us.’

  ‘That’s true,’ Roy said. ‘Mind you, the way Sammy feels about me at the moment, she probably wishes we’d never met at all.’

  ‘Well I can’t say I blame her for that.’ Molly looked pointedly at her son-in-law before sitting down again.

  ‘I thought things were improving between you?’ Eddie frowned.

  Roy snorted. ‘You must be joking! She won’t let me near her. I’m allowed in the same room and bed, on the condition I keep to my side and don’t touch her. I’ve held her while she’s cried and she’s held me, but that’s as far as she’ll allow it to go. There’s been no intimate contact between us for weeks, not even a kiss.’

  ‘Give it time,’ Eddie said.

  ‘I killed everything we had that last time I was with Livvy. I can’t ever see Sammy forgiving me for that. I’m walking on eggshells all the time at the moment. Nick’s death hasn’t made any difference to how she feels about me. The night the accident happened I blamed myself. I insisted on buying him the bloody car. Sammy said Nick could have been driving any of our cars and it might still have happened. But last night she flipped and said the accident was my fault and that maybe Nick’s mind hadn’t been on his driving, that he was upset about us splitting up. I’m definitely not flavour of the month at the moment, not with Sammy, her mother, or my mother either come to that.’

  ***

  CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

  Sick at the thought of going behind Roy’s back, Eddie pressed the intercom to Livvy’s flat.

  She let him in and invited him to sit on the sofa. As she curled up on the armchair opposite, with her baggy dungarees, hair scraped up into a pony tail and face devoid of makeup, she looked like a vulnerable child.

  His heart went out to her.

  ‘Would you like a coffee?’ she asked.

  ‘Please, Liv, no sugar, just a dash of milk. Do you mind if I have a fag?’

  ‘The ashtray’s on the windowsill.’

  ‘Do you want one?’ he held out the packet.

  ‘No thank you. I’ve given up. It’s not good for the baby,’ she said as she left the room.

  He stared after her. What the fuck was she on about? He lit up and puffed smoke above his head. He picked up a pamphlet from the coffee table. You and Your Baby. He shook his head and put it down.

  Livvy reappeared minutes later, carrying two mugs and handed one to him. She sat down and took a sip.

  ‘What do you mean?’ he asked. ‘Not good for the baby.’

  ‘It does all sorts of damage,’ she said and pointed to the pamphlet. ‘It tells you in that. I got it from the ante-natal clinic when I went to get checked over.’

  ‘But, Livvy, you can’t have this baby,’ Eddie began. ‘You have to get rid of it. I’ll pay for the abortion. You can have it done privately and no one need ever know. I thought that’s what you’d want.’

  Eyes wide with shock she banged her mug down on the table and leapt to her feet.

  ‘No way! It’s our baby, mine and Roy’s. You’ve no right to tell me to get rid of it.’ Flopping down next to him she burst into tears.

  He took her in his arms. She was tiny and it was almost like holding Katie. She sobbed against his shoulder. He realised, that apart from the problem in hand, the pent up grief of the last few weeks was coming out. She’d lost a friend and needed to mourn, like everyone else.

  ‘I’m sorry, Livvy. I came here to give you support, not to upset you.’

  She looked up through her tears. ‘I can’t get rid of it, Ed. Please try and understand how I feel. I love Roy. This baby’s all I’ve got now.’

  He nodded. ‘Let’s start at the top. First, how will you cope on your own? Where are your family? Will they help? What will you live off when you give up work? How will you support a baby and yourself? I’m not being deliberately hard; I know what I’m talking about. I was eighteen when Jon was born. We really struggled, there were two of us to look after him, and our parents to help out. It wasn’t easy. For the most part it was a bloody nightmare. I’d like you think hard about your decision.’

  She sniffed loudly and he handed her a tissue. ‘I think about nothing else. I’ve no family. I’ve got some money in the bank. I’ll be able to take paid maternity leave. When the baby arrives and I go back to work, I’ll find a childminder. I could do some singing at night to earn a bit extra.’

  ‘And who’ll look after the baby then?’

  She shrugged. ‘I don’t know. A babysitter - or maybe Roy would help out occasionally.’

  Eddie took a long drag on his cigarette and mentally counted to ten.

  ‘Livvy, you can’t tell Roy about this baby. He’s gone through enough. He’s trying to work things out with Sam.’

  ‘Well he’ll find out sooner or later. I can’t hide it away much longer and he has to take some responsibility. He was happy enough to jump into bed with me.’

  ‘Do you have any idea what this will do to Sammy? She’s just lost her precious son, and here you are, pregnant by her husband. How the hell do you think she’s going to cope with that? Then there’s the press. This isn’t a big town. Roy and Sam are very well known and respected here. You’ll find yourself hounded by reporters and so will they. It’s not a pleasant experience.

  ‘Do you want to be known as the woman who destroyed Roy Cantello’s wife? No one will have sympathy for you. If you really want the child, go back to Glasgow and keep your mouth shut about who the father is.’

  Livvy sat s
ilently, chewing her thumbnail. She’d appeared to digest all that he’d said to her, but made no comment.

  He stood up. ‘I’m off. All we’re doing is going around in circles, with us both getting upset and angry. I’ll call you Wednesday morning before I take the kids to school. You can tell me then if you’ve changed your mind.’

  ***

  Eddie made his way into Manchester. Jon and Sean knew Livvy better than anyone else and might be able to offer advice.

  Sean greeted him enthusiastically. ‘Hi, mate, how you doing? Take a pew.’

  Eddie joined Sean behind the counter. Jon, coming out of the staff room, arms loaded with LP’s, smiled to see his father perched on the stool.

  ‘What’s up, Dad? You look a bit brassed off.’

  ‘I’ve a confession to make,’ Eddie began. ‘Don’t think too badly of me. I only did it because I thought it was the right thing. I’ve been to see Livvy.’ He went through what had happened at Livvy’s flat.

  ‘I’m not surprised she wants the baby,’ Sean said. ‘What you have to understand, Ed, is that Olivia’s had her own share of problems. She was adopted as a baby; ten when her parents split up; then she lived alone with her father. He physically and mentally abused her and she was taken into care.’

  ‘Bloody hell, I didn’t know that,’ Eddie said.

  ‘She was left to fend for herself at sixteen,’ Sean carried on. ‘She came to Manchester to start a new life. She began working for us, met your kids, and the rest, as they say, is history.’

  ‘I feel awful,’ Eddie said. ‘I’d no idea about the abuse.’

  ‘Well you wouldn’t,’ Sean said. ‘She confided in me, Jon and Roy. When I sussed her affair with Roy, she told me he made her feel safe. Roy’s her first and only lover and I reckon she also sees him as the father she never had. The reason she wants her baby, apart from the fact it’s his, is because it’s the start of a family she can call her own.’