—Father Charles E. Coughlin
“Every time I have wanted to tell the truth—that I have no faith—the words just do not come—my mouth remains closed. And yet I still keep on smiling at God and all.”
—Mother Teresa
“Thank God for the tsunami, and thank God that two thousand dead Swedes are fertilizing the ground over there [in Asia]. How many of these two thousand, do you suppose, were fags and dykes? This is how the Lord deals with His enemies. And the Lord has got some enemies. And Sweden heads the list. You filthy Swedes. You filthy Swedes!”
“Thank God for 9/11. Thank God that, five years ago, the wrath of God was poured out upon this evil nation. America, land of the sodomite damned. We thank thee, Lord God Almighty, for answering the prayers of those that are under the altar.”
—Fred Phelps, American Baptist minister
“It is better for a girl to marry in such a time when she would begin menstruation at her husband’s house rather than her father’s home. Any father marrying his daughter so young will have a permanent place in heaven.”
“If one commits the act of sodomy with a cow, an ewe, or a camel, their urine and their excrements become impure, and even their milk may no longer be consumed. The animal must then be killed and as quickly as possible and burned.”
“Americans are the great Satan, the wounded snake.”
—Ayatollah Khomeini
Trifling
Duo TV & Movies
“Did your mother put the whiskey in the baby bottle, or did she just mix it in with the dog food she fed you? ”
—Nicky, Orange Is the New Black
TV Shows
“Hey, so you know how I’ve always had a thing for half-Asians? Well, now I have a new favorite: Lebanese girls. Lebanese girls are the new half-Asians.”
—Barney Stinson, How I Met Your Mother
“Pretty women make us buy beer. Ugly women make us drink beer.”
—Al Bundy, Married with Children
“Okay, then let’s talk about your daddy. Your daddy was so fat...that when he went to school he sat next to everybody! And still...he still not as fat as your fat mama!”
—George Jefferson, The Jeffersons
“You are so ugly that if you pressed your face in some dough...you’d have gorilla cookies.”
—Fred Sanford, Sanford and Son
“My body is very attracted to your body, but when you speak, my brain gets angry.”
—Mindy Lahiri, The Mindy Project
“Welcome to our home, as yous people say, ‘Shaboom.’” (referring to the Jewish greeting “shalom”)
“Why don’t you go to sleep and dream about the tragedy that is your life.”
—Archie Bunker, All in the Family
“My mom always said that if the Protestants catch a Catholic in their church, they feed them to the Jews.”
—Kate O’Brien, The Drew Carey Show
“Somewhere in the world, there’s a very lucky girl...who’s gonna date the lesbian you’ll create tonight.”
—Mimi Bobeck, The Drew Carey Show
“London Bridge is falling down, falling down, falling down. London Bridge is falling down, the Limeys built it wrong.”
“Now along comes this colored cop, see, and he wants to take over the mouth-to-mouth, but I’m thinking fast. I say no, I send him for the ambulance, you know, because if you give a person the wrong breath type, you could kill that person.”
“God, we can’t take no four dollars out of a pathetic check like that. That’s your weekly pay? That’s terrible. Geez, your boss must be an awful thief there. That’s the same as I give my illegals out in the kitchen.”
—Archie Bunker, Archie Bunker’s Place
“Are you kidding me? Kukudio is a suspect and I’m not? Heck I killed a cop with his own gun. Oh. Wait... Did I get caught for that? [sighs] I’m getting old.”
—Frieda, Orange Is the New Black
“Listen, if your mind is starting to go, just tell me and I’ll mercy break your neck, so you don’t end up in Psych.”
—Gloria, Orange Is the New Black
“You know, if you’re gonna poop in the shower, at least you could plan ahead. Like, do it in a shower cap, and take it with you after. Just common decency.”
—Lorna, Orange Is the New Black
“This food looks like something a walrus would regurgitate to feed its least favorite baby.”
—Alex, Orange Is the New Black
“Because I wear protection, so I haven’t caught whatever form of syphilis you have that caused your soul to rot.”
—Caputo, Orange Is the New Black
“Maybe you should stop punishing yourself. I mean, what does a good mother do? A good mother does what’s best for her children. And maybe what was best for your children was wipin’ ‘em out before they had to lead miserable f***ing lives.”
—Big Boo, Orange Is the New Black
“I’ve masturbated. There was this statue of Jesus that was especially ripped. That was my guy.”
—Sister Ingalls, Orange Is the New Black
“Snazzy told me a story about a girl named Piper. She could blow out candles with her coochie.”
—Inmate, Orange Is the New Black
“You can only vote within your race or your group. Look, just pretend it’s the 1950s. It’s easier to understand.”
—Nicky, Orange Is the New Black
“Lesbians can be very dangerous. It’s the testosterone.”
—Healy, Orange Is the New Black
“All I wanted was to eat the chicken that is smarter than the other chickens and to absorb its power. And make a nice Kiev.”
—Galina “Red” Reznikov, Orange Is the New Black
“Lets have the type of night where it’s like 5 a.m. and one of us has definitely punched someone who’s been on a Disney Channel Show.”
—Elijah Krantz, Girls
“You’re a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot.”
—Judy, 9 to 5
“People have judged me because of my eyebrow. I can’t control my eyebrow. I can’t control it. I can’t control what’s on my face 24/7.”
—Tierra, The Bachelor
“Hey, Twitter Twat, WTF?”
—Janine Skorsky, House of Cards
“You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people. And douche bags.”
—Dean Winchester, Supernatural
“You are the worst thing to happen to this country since food in buckets. And maybe slavery!”
—Amy, Veep
“Then it’s settled. Amy’s birthday present will be my genitals.”
—Sheldon Cooper, The Big Bang Theory
“I know violence isn’t the answer. But, yes it is.”
—Drita D’Avanzo, Mob Wives
“You are going to die tomorrow, Lord Bolton. Sleep well.”
—Sansa, Game of Thrones
“Now, since it’s my last night on shore for a while, I’m going to go f*** the tits off this one.”
—Yara, Game of Thrones
“I’m here to help. Don’t eat the help.”
—Tyrion, Game of Thrones
“I’d skin you alive for wine.”
—Sandor Clegane, Game of Thrones
“Watching your vicious bastard die gave me more relief that a thousand lying whores.”
—Tyrion, Game of Thrones
“I shouldn’t make jokes. My mother taught me not to throw stones at cripples. But my father taught me, aim for their head.”
—Ramsay Bolton, Game of Thrones
“Your king says he betrayed me for love. I say he betrayed me for firm tits and a tight fit... and I can respect that.”
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�Walder Frey, Game of Thrones
“Any man dies with a clean sword, I’ll rape his f***ing corpse!”
—The Hound, Game of Thrones
“Has anyone ever told you you’re as boring as you are ugly?
—Jaime Lannister, Game of Thrones
“My frickin’ vagina’s sweating.”
—Madison Montgomery, American Horror Story
“Normally we’ve got naked coochies lined up along the sink, but it’s slow.”
—Betty DiMello, Masters of Sex
“So stop looking at me with those watery turd eyes and get me a wedding dress, bitch.”
—Brittany, Unreal
“I am drawing a 50 mile radius around this house and if you so much as open your fly to urinate I will destroy you.”
—Trudy Campbell, Mad Men
“Don’t you know a VIP when you see one? Your boss came out of my V and her Daddy’s P so show a little respect for her Mama.”
—Ophelia, How to Get Away with Murder
“Here’s a quick announcement that tryouts for this year’s cheerleading squad are about to begin. We all know nothing makes a cheerleader more nervous than when she’s late!”
—Principal McGee, Grease: Live
“I’d be honored to be your maid of honor! And not just because my main competition is in a coma ’til I die.”
—Kat Graham, The Vampire Diaries
“Love is just a chemical reaction that compels animals to breed. It hits hard, Morty, then it slowly fades, leaving you stranded in a failing marriage. I did it, your parents are going to do it.”
—Rick, Rick and Morty
“A 22-year-old girl is like a good carpenter. No wood gets wasted.”
—Charlie Harper, Two and a Half Men
“I’m Jewish, my people invented circumcision. You’re welcome.”
—Howard Wolowitz, The Big Bang Theory
“Don’t get a man, get a dog. They’re loyal and they die sooner.”
—Penny, Charmed
Movies
“You are a sad strange little man, and you have my pity.”
—Buzz Lightyear, Toy Story
“If I wanted a joke, I’d follow you into the john and watch you take a leak.”
—Neal Page, Planes, Trains and Automobiles
“You are nothing! If you were in my toilet I wouldn’t bother flushing it. My bathmat means more to me than you.”
—Buddy Ackerman, Swimming with Sharks
“You pompous, stuck-up, snot-nosed, English, giant, twerp, scumbag, f***-face, d***head, a**hole.”
—Otto, A Fish Called Wanda
“I don’t give a tuppenny f*** about your moral conundrum, you meat-headed sh*t sack.”
—Bill “The Butcher” Cunning, Gangs of New York
“You’re an emotional f***ing cripple. Your soul is dog sh*t. Every single f***ing thing about you is ugly.”
—Marcus, Bad Santa
“It looks to me like the best part of you ran down the crack of your momma’s ass and ended up as a brown stain on the mattress!”
—Gunnery Sergeant Hartman, Full Metal Jacket
“You clinking, clanking, clattering collection of caliginous junk!”
—The Wizard, The Wizard of Oz
“Even if I were blind, desperate, starved and begging for it on a desert island, you’d be the last thing I’d ever f***.”
—Elvira Hancock, Scarface
“You’re somewhere between a cockroach and that white stuff that accumulates at the corner of your mouth when you’re really thirsty. But, in your case, I’ll make an exception.”
—Cyrus Grissom, Con Air
“Whose kitty litter did I just sh*t in?”
—Wade Wilson, Deadpool
“When I watch you eat. When I see you asleep. When I look at you lately, I just want to smash your face in.”
—Barbara Rose, The War of the Roses
“What, you think you like me? You ain’t like me motherf***er, you a punk. I’ve been with made people, connected people. Who’ve you been with? Chain-snatching, jive-ass, maricon motherf***ers. Why don’t you get out of here and go snatch a purse.”
—Carlito, Carlito’s Way
“I want to die a natural death at the age of 102—like the city of Detroit.”
—Wade Wilson, Deadpool
“Eat it till you choke, you sick, twisted f***!”
—Paul Sheldon, Misery
“I don’t like your jerk-off name. I don’t like your jerk-off face. I don’t like your jerk-off behavior, and I don’t like you, jerk-off. Do I make myself clear?”
—Police chief, The Big Lebowski
“My God. I haven’t been f***ed like that since grade school.”
—Marla Singer, Fight Club
“You shoulda’ gone to China. You know, ‘cause I hear they give away babies like free iPods. You know they pretty much just put them in those t-shirt guns and shoot them out at sporting events.”
—Juno MacGuff, Juno
“I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction! Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!”
—French soldier, Monty Python and the Holy Grail
“I’m on this new diet. It’s very effective. Well, I don’t eat anything, and then when I feel like I’m about to faint I eat a cube of cheese. I’m just one stomach flu away from my goal weight.”
—Emily Charlton, The Devil Wears Prada
“You can get a good look at a butcher’s ass by sticking your head up there. But, wouldn’t you rather take his word for it?”
—Tommy, Tommy Boy
“I’m going to f***ing make you bend over and I’m gonna reach up your ass into your pocket and get the keys to your house. And then I’m gonna drive there, come in your front f***ing door and kill you in your sleep.”
—Detective Shannon Mullins, The Heat
Sporty
Spoofs
“I’ve seen George Foreman shadow boxing and the shadow won.”
—Muhammad Ali
“Ray Lewis is the type of guy, if he were in a fight with a bear I wouldn’t help him, I’d pour honey on him because he likes to fight. That’s the type of guy Ray Lewis is.”
—Shannon Sharpe, NFL tight end
“He can’t kick with his left foot, he can’t head, he can’t tackle, and he doesn’t score many goals. Apart from that, he’s all right.”
—Soccer player George Best, on David Beckham
“I’ve had to overcome a lot of diversity.”
—Drew Gordon, during the NBA draft
“I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.”
—Greg Norman, Australian golfer
“I’m traveling to all 51 states to see who can stop 85.”
—Chad Ocho Cinco, NFL wide receiver
“I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that.”
—Jerry Rice, NFL wide receiver
“I don’t know. I never smoked any Astroturf.”
—MLB pitcher “Tug” McGraw, on being asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
“Any time Detroit scores more than 100 points and holds the other team below 100 points, they almost always win.”
—Doug Collins, Philadelphia 76ers head coach
“My career was sputtering until I did a 360 and got headed in the right direction.”
—Tracy McGrath (T-Mac), NBA player
“He’s one of the best power forwards of all-time. I take my hands off to him.”
—Scottie Pippen, NBA star, on Tim Duncan
“Chemistry is a class you take in high school or college,
where you figure out two plus two is 10, or something.”
—Dennis Rodman, NBA star
“My sister’s expecting a baby, and I don’t know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.”
—Chuck Levitt, NBA player
“I ain’t gonna be no escape-goat!”
—Karl Malone, two-time NBA MVP
“I’m not an athlete. I’m a professional baseball player.”
—John Kruk, first baseman
“He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.”
—Torren Polk, University of Houston wide receiver
“Yankee pitchers have had great success this year against Cabrera when they get him out.”
—Tim McCorvey, sportscaster and former MLB player
“When you’re rich, you don’t write checks. Straight cash, homey.”
—Randy Moss, seven-time Pro Bowl wide receiver
“We must have had 99 per cent of the match. It was the other three per cent that cost us.”
—Ruud Gullit, Dutch soccer manager and former player
“Yeah, I am lazy. There’s no doubt about that.”
“If Queen Elizabeth knight hooded me and I would get the title Sir Usain Bolt. That sounds very nice.”
—Sprinter Usain Bolt
“I have a tip that can take 5 strokes off anyone’s game. It’s called an eraser.”
—Golfer Arnold Palmer
“In the end, I am just a guy wearing spandex that turns left really fast.”
—Olivier Jean, short-track skater
“I have been dubbed ‘the girl who puts the glamour into hammer.’”
—Sophie Hitchon, Olympic hammer thrower
“Pants down in public is not a good idea, it’s not good on camera.’’
—Segun Toriola, Nigerian table tennis Olympian, explaining why his team would not repeat a previous medal celebration by collectively pulling down their pants
“Because there are no fours.”
—Antoine Walker, 2006 NBA champion, when asked why he shoots so many three-pointers
Say What? Page 4