—Jessie J, British pop singer, after breaking her foot
“Now I can say that I still haven’t had an abortion, but I wish I had.”
—Lena Dunham
“What are you looking at, sugar tits?”
—Mel Gibson, to a female police officer after being arrested in 2006.
“I’m tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am.”
—Paula Abdul
“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”
“I don’t know if this is too much…but I can actually mentally give myself an orgasm.”
—Lady Gaga
“Elizabeth Taylor’s so fat, she puts mayonnaise on her aspirins.”
—Joan Rivers
“The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.”
—Woody Allen
“Michael Jackson’s album was called Bad because there wasn’t enough room on the sleeve for Pathetic.”
—Prince
“@justinbieber what do you feed that thing. #proud daddy.”
—Justin Bieber’s dad, about Justin’s penis, on Twitter
“I actually don’t like thinking. I think people think I like to think a lot. And I don’t. I don’t like to think.”
—Kanye West
“Fiction writing is great. You can make up almost anything.”
—Ivanka Trump
“I do believe that I deserve what I have. I don’t think I’m entitled to it. That’s a big difference.”
—Adam Levine
“I don’t think there is anything particularly wrong about hitting a woman—although I don’t recommend doing it in the same way that you’d hit a man. An openhanded slap is justified—if all other alternatives fail and there has been plenty of warning. If a woman is a bitch, or hysterical, or bloody-minded continually, then I’d do it. I think a man has to be slightly advanced, ahead of the woman.”
—Sean Connery
“But you know how Prince had a lot of girls back in the day? Prince was, like, the guy. I’m just that, today. But most women won’t have any complaints if they’ve been with me. They can’t really complain. It’s all good.”
—Chris Brown
“It’s really hard to maintain a one-on-one relationship if the other person is not going to allow me to be with other people.”
—Axl Rose
“As soon as I hear there is a famous penis out there, I am the first person to ravenously devour it online.”
—Seth Rogen
“I love my tits being out. It’s like, one of my things, I guess.”
—Kendall Jenner, model
“Bill Clinton is a man who thinks international affairs means dating a girl from out of town.”
—Tom Clancy, author
“I never worry about diets. The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.”
“Marriage is a great institution, but I’m not ready for an institution.”
“It ain’t no sin if you crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don’t break any.”
—Mae West
“So Carol, you’re a housewife and mother. And have you got any children?”
—Michael Barrymore
“If it weren’t for electricity we’d all be watching television by candlelight.”
—George Gobel
“If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he’d never stop throwing up.”
“Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.”
—Woody Allen
“Don’t talk to me.”
—Rachael Ray
“I would rather die than let my kid eat Cup-a-Soup.”
—Gwyneth Paltrow
“I’ve always thought Marilyn Monroe looked fabulous, but I’d kill myself if I was that fat.”
—Elizabeth Hurley
“What is this c*nt doing on the cover of Rolling Stone? Music has officially died.”
—Sinéad O’Connor on Kim Kardashian’s Rolling Stone cover
“No one ever expects a great lay to pay all of the bills.”
“I like to wake up each morning feeling a new man.”
“Underwear makes me uncomfortable. And besides, my parts have to breathe.”
“When you lie down with dogs, you get up with fleas.”
“Must I always wear a low-cut dress to be important?”
—Jean Harlow, 1930s Hollywood bombshell
“Hollywood always wanted me to be pretty, but I fought for realism.”
“Everybody has a heart...except some people.”
“From the moment I was six I felt sexy. And let me tell you it was hell, sheer hell, waiting to do something about it.”
“I never did pal around with the actresses. Their talk usually bored me to tears.”
“I’d marry again if I found a man who had fifteen million dollars, would sign over half to me, and guarantee that he’d be dead within a year.”
“In this business, until you’re known as a monster, you’re not a star.”
“I wouldn’t piss on Joan Crawford if she were on fire.”
—Bette Davis
“Poor Bette! She looks like she’s never had a happy day…or night!…in her life.”
“I don’t hate Bette Davis, even though the press wants me to; I resent her. I don’t see how she built a career out of mannerisms instead of real acting ability. She’s a phony, but I guess the public likes that.”
—Joan Crawford, on Bette Davis
“She has slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.”
“Why am I so good at playing bitches? I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Maybe that’s why Miss Crawford always plays ladies.”
—Bette Davis, on Joan Crawford
“She ran the whole gamut of the emotions from A to B.”
—Dorothy Parker, on Audrey Hepburn’s acting in a play
“Well, at least he has found his true love—what a pity he can’t marry himself.”
—Frank Sinatra, on Robert Redford
“She speaks five languages and can’t act in any of them.”
—British actor Sir John Gielgud, on Casablanca star Ingrid Bergman
“The easiest way for you to lose 10 pounds is just to take off your wig.”
—Madonna, to Elton John
“If you kick every Latino out of this country, then who is going to be cleaning your toilets, Donald Trump?”
—Kelly Osbourne
“I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.”
—Charlie Sheen
“You don’t know anything about the history of journalism, psychology, or my life...You can’t handle the truth.”
“These drugs are dangerous. I have actually helped people come off. When you talk about postpartum, you can take people today, women, and what you do is you use vitamins. There is a hormonal thing that is going on, scientifically, you can prove that. But when you talk about emotional, chemical imbalances in people, there is no science behind that. You can use vitamins to help a woman through those things.”
—Tom Cruise
“Active shooting in Canada, or as we call it in America, Wednesday.”
—American model Chrissy Teigen, tweeting about a gun shooting in Ontario
“Please welcome—the wickedly talented, one and only—Adele Dazeem.”
—John Travolta, introducing actress Idina Menzel at the Oscars
“Not trying to be
arrogant, but if I walked down the street and a girl saw me, she might take a look back because maybe I’m good-looking, right?”
“So remember, this is Bieber’s world. You’re just living in it. Bieber or die.”
“A girl could be sitting on her computer, trying to get noticed by me, and not knowing she’s the future Mrs. Justin Bieber.”
—Justin Bieber
“I hate Americans. I hate America.”
—Ariana Grande, caught on a security camera in a donut shop
“Chris Brown beat you because you’re not pretty enough.”
—Amanda Bynes, to Rihanna on Twitter
“It’s not like nobody here hasn’t already seen my boobs.”
—Dakota Johnson, joking about presenter Leslie Mann nearly causing her to have a wardrobe malfunction onstage
“It’s work having a vagina. Guys don’t think that it’s work, but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn’t. Every night, it’s like getting it ready for its first quinceañera. Believe me.”
“I usually feel pretty good about myself. I know what I look like. You’d bang me, but you wouldn’t blog about it…it’s fine.”
“Tonight I have one goal, and that was to just be able to take my underwear off at the end of the night and have it not look like I blew my nose in it.”
—Amy Schumer
“I am not a demon. I am a lizard, a shark, a heat-seeking panther. I want to be Bob Denver on acid playing the accordion.”
—Nicholas Cage
“I don’t care if Scarlett Johansson is buck naked on the 89th floor in a plate of ribs, I’m not going in there.”
—Chris Rock, on refusing to go into New York’s Freedom Tower
“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.”
—Frank Sinatra
“The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is because vampires are allergic to bullsh*t.”
—Richard Pryor
“Yes, I’m angry, yes, I’m outraged, yes, I have thought an awful lot about blowing up the White House, but I know that this won’t change anything.”
—Madonna, at the Women’s March on Washington
“Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.”
“Religion. It’s given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.”
—Jon Stewart
“For me to say I wasn’t a genius, I would just be lying to you and to myself.”
—Kanye West
“Here’s all you need to know about men and women: Women are crazy and men are stupid. And the reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.”
—George Carlin
“Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever ’til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can’t handle money!”
—George Carlin
“I’m not sure about the parties. But whatever they have in Korea, that’s bad.”
—Justin Bieber, on politics
“I think that the film Clueless was very deep. I think it was deep in the way that it was very light. I think lightness has to come from a very deep place if it’s true lightness.”
—Alicia Silverstone
“There’s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.”
“The essence of Christianity is told to us in the Garden of Eden history. The fruit that was forbidden was on the tree of knowledge. The subtext is, All the suffering you have is because you wanted to find out what was going on. You could be in the Garden of Eden if you had just kept your f***ing mouth shut and hadn’t asked any questions.”
—Frank Zappa
“Here’s an easy way to figure out if you’re in a cult: If you’re wondering whether you’re in a cult, the answer is yes.”
—Stephen Colbert, I Am America
“One of my biggest Achilles’ heels has been my ego. And if I, Kanye West, can remove my ego, I think there’s hope for everyone.”
“I am God’s vessel. But my greatest pain in life is
that I will never be able to see myself perform live.”
“Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books.”
“I don’t even listen to rap. My apartment is too nice to listen to rap in.”
—Kanye West
Pious
Impertinence
“I think the world is being much helped by the suffering of the poor people. ”
—Mother Teresa
“Many of those people involved in Adolf Hitler were Satanists. Many were homosexuals. The two things seem to go together.”
“The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.”
“I would warn Orlando that you’re right in the way of some serious hurricanes, and I don’t think I’d be waving those flags in God’s face if I were you...It’ll bring about terrorist bombs; it’ll bring earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor.” (on Walt Disney World’s “Gay Days”)
—Pat Robertson, Southern Baptist leader
“Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.”
—Fulton J. Sheen, American archbishop
“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
—Greek philosopher Epicurus
“A celibate clergy is an especially good idea, because it tends to suppress any hereditary propensity toward fanaticism.”
—Carl Sagan
“Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wanted to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.”
—L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology
“I’m an atheist and I thank God for it.”
—George Bernard Shaw
“The word and works of God is quite clear, that women were made either to be wives or prostitutes.”
“Men have broad and large chests, and small narrow hips, and more understanding than women, who have but small and narrow breasts, and broad hips, to the end they should remain at home, sit still, keep house, and bear and bring up children.”
“What harm could it do if a man told a good lusty lie in a worthy cause and for the sake of the Christian Churches?”
—Martin Luther, reformer (1483–1546)
“Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.”
—Author Garrison Keillor
“The God of the Old Testament is arguably the most unpleasant character in all fiction: jealous and proud of it; a petty, unjust, unforgiving control-freak; a vindictive, bloodthirsty ethnic cleanser; a misogynistic, homophobic, racist, infanticidal, genocidal, filicidal, pestilential, megalomaniacal, sadomasochistic, capriciously malevolent bully.”
—Richard Dawkins, ethologist and author
“Is man merely a mistake of God’s? Or God merely a mistake of man?”
—Friedrich Nietzsche
“One would go mad if one took the Bible seriously; but to take it seriously one must be already mad.”
—Aleister Crowley, British occultist
“When one person suffers from a delusion, it is called insanity. When many people suffer from a delusion it is called a Religion.”
—Robert M. Pirsig, American writer and philosopher
“Religious liberty might be supposed to mean that everybody is free to discuss religion. In practice it means that hardly anybody is allowed to mention it.” —G. K. Chesterton, British author
“With or without religion, good people can behave well and bad people can do evil; but for good people to do evil—that takes religion.”
—Steven Weinberg, Nobel laureate in physics
“The president of the United States has claimed, on more than one occasion, to be in dialogue with God. If he said that he was talking to God through his hairdryer, this would precipitate a national emergency. I fail to see how the addition of a hairdryer makes the claim more ridiculous or offensive.”
—Sam Harris, American author and philosopher
“The Bible tells us to be like God, and then on page after page it describes God as a mass murderer. This may be the single most important key to the political behavior of Western Civilization.”
—Robert Anton Wilson, American author
“Religion is for people who’re afraid of going to hell. Spirituality is for those who’ve already been there.”
—Vine Deloria Jr., Native American author
“Better to sleep with a sober cannibal than a drunk Christian.”
—Herman Melville, American author
“If there is a God, atheism must seem to Him as less of an insult than religion.”
—Edmond de Goncourt, French author
“When we get through with the Jews in America, they’ll think the treatment they received in Germany was nothing.”
Say What? Page 3