Calling California

by J. P. Grider

He's right, but I don't tell him that.

  "I'll pick you up a burger and fries."

  I sigh. "That does sound good."

  "'Kay. I'll see you in a little bit. Love you."

  "Love you, too."

  "Love? Already? Jesus, Cal, how long has it been? Not even a month right?"

  "Stop. It's been almost three weeks, but who cares? You don't think I can fall in love in three weeks?"

  "How much do you really know him? I mean, yeah, he's cool. And super gorgeous. But what do you know about him? I mean really?"

  "I told him I loved him. I didn't tell him I'd marry him."

  She holds her palms up in surrender. "Fine. But be careful. I'm sure there's a lot you don't know about him. Don't be rushing into shit."

  "Wait. You’re talking about sex? Because you..."

  "No, I'm not talking about sex, Cal. Have all the sex you want. I'm talking about trust. And committing to one person, then finding out after all the time you invested in him, he's not who you thought he was. Just be careful."

  "Tab. Is there something you're not telling me?"

  "No. Honey. No. I just want you to do what I do. Take things slow." She hops off my bed and grabs her cute, short red leather jacket that I wish I had.

  "Yeah. Like you. Have you even told Tony you've had it with him already?"

  "Not yet. Maybe tonight." She bends down and kisses me on the cheek. "Love ya lots."

  "Love ya."

  Now that she's gone, I'm not only sad about my dad, I'm left with a huge hole in my stomach because of the doubt she put there. Three weeks is not too soon. It isn't.

  So why do I feel so shitty now?

  50

  Griffin

  Donny's is packed tonight and it's not even seven yet.

  "Hey, Griff. I'll have your order in a minute," Casey says when I walk up to the bar.

  "Thanks, Case. I'll take a beer in the meantime."

  "Aren't you supposed to be with your girlfriend?" I hear behind me.

  "Tabitha."

  "Hey, Griffin." She gives me a hug.

  "Thanks, Case," I say when Casey hands me my Beck's.

  Tabitha eyes the beer in my hand and cocks an eyebrow. "Like, yeah, aren't you supposed to be with your girlfriend?" she asks again, only this time with a little more sarcasm.

  "Not that it's your business, but that's where I'm headed. I'm picking up dinner."

  "Oh." She punches me lightly on the arm. "Just playin' with ya."

  But I don't really think she's playing.

  "Come meet the guys."

  "The guys?"

  "Yeah. Our guys. Calista does have friends besides your friends."

  "I know that." But I don't. Not really. Calista never really mentioned any other friends besides Tabitha. And that lady friend she works with.

  Tabitha grabs me by the arm and yanks me towards her table.

  "Griffin. These here are the guys. Tony, Austin, Karen. This is Griffin."

  "Griffin," They all say in unison.

  "Nice to meet you," Karen says.

  "You too." But I say it to all of them, not just Karen.

  "So you’re Cali's new guy?" Tony asks.

  "Yup. I'm him," I say, unable to keep the smile off my face.

  "Hey that's too bad about her dad," Austin says.

  "Yeah." My smile immediately drops. "It sucks."

  "You got yourself a great girl," Austin says. "You need anything, she's the first one there. She's great."

  "Yeah. I found that out the first day I met her and she offered me her last ten dollars," I muse, thinking back then how special she was.

  "She's great like that," Tony says, after gulping the last of his beer. "Just don't get on her bad side."

  Tabitha and Austin laugh. "Yeah. Tony knows all about her bad side."

  After taking a swig of my own beer, I say, "Cali doesn't have a bad side."

  All three of them laugh now.

  "Right," Tabitha says. "I just got on her bad side tonight."

  "What?" I put my beer down and stick my hands in my pockets. "Tonight?"

  "Well, not really, but I did piss her off because I wanted her to come out tonight. Plus I told her it was too soon for her to love you." She chuckles.

  "What?" I ask, annoyed.

  "Yeah, she got all defensive," Tabitha continues.

  "And don't ever lie to her, man," Tony chimes in. "Holy shit, that girl can hold a grudge."

  Shit.

  "She didn't talk to me for a year," Tony says. "All because I didn't tell her that her boyfriend was cheating on her."

  "Well you shoulda told her," Tabitha tells her.

  "It wasn't my lie to tell, Tab. Cory was my friend too. He asked me not to tell her."

  "Then you deserved her cold shoulder for a year."

  Fuck. I gotta get outta here. "Listen, it was nice meeting you all, but I gotta run."

  "Yeah, nice meeting you too, Griff,," one or all of them say.

  I pick up my order from Casey and leave the bar.

  Shit.

  Shit.

  Shit.

  If she could stop talking to Tony for a year for not telling her about her ex-boyfriend, how will she react to her current boyfriend lying about who he is? Fuck, I'm in trouble.

  Without even realizing how I got here, I'm in Cali's parking lot. I have to get my shit together before I go inside. This is not news I want to be dropping on her on the same day her father died. I take a deep calming breath and put on my game face, hoping to God that she doesn't notice I'm holding a secret. One that involves her.

  Using the key she gave me earlier, I unlock Cali's front door and let myself in, leaving the food on the counter in the kitchen. Elton John's “Candle in the Wind” sounds through her closed bedroom door. Slowly, I turn the doorknob and open the door.

  She's sleeping - on her stomach, her arms outstretched beneath her pillow. Elton John's Goodbye Yellow Brick Road album jacket is hovering at the edge of the bed. I lean over her to pick up the jacket, and I place it on her dresser. After taking off my shoes and jacket, I lift the covers and slide in next to her, lying on my side so I can bask in the beauty that lies next to me. I don't touch her. I just look. She's everything I never knew I was looking for. And now, as I look at her, sleeping... I feel so guilty that I am holding something so important from her. She deserves to know what I know, but then will I ruin her relationship with her mother? She needs her mother now more than anything. I cannot take that away from her. I won't take that away from her. But lying to her is weakening the foundation we've only just started laying.

  My chest constricts, as does my stomach, at the thought. Wanting to do what is best for her is not an easy thing to do. Especially since I don't even know what that is. I don't want what's best for me, that I know. So if I take me out of the equation, it seems that the only thing to do is keep the secret until her mother finds the right time and the right way to tell her. Even if that means she'll know that I knew. And that I kept it from her. Even if that means she'll never talk to me again... because I lied to her.

  After Elton's “Bennie and the Jets” ends, the needle picks up and sets itself back to the first song on the vinyl – “Funeral For A Friend/Love Lies Bleeding.” My whole body sighs. Why would she torture herself with sad songs? She has side one of Goodbye Yellow Brick Road playing on the turntable. Except for “Bennie and the Jets,” the whole side is sad. Maybe because I am not familiar with heartache or heartbreak or losing a parent, but I don't get the whole listening-to-sad-music-when-you're-sad thing. When I get bummed, I usually try to forget that I'm bummed. Not reinforce it. But that's probably another one of our differences - Cali's and mine. As much as we enjoy each other's company, I can't help but think that we are two completely different people. Does that make for a good relationship? Or a bad one? Do our differences blend and complement? Or will they have the capacity to tear us apart?

  If we get past this whole secret thing, will the differences in our worlds b
e too much to live with? Will she allow me to take care of her and provide for her? Or will she be too proud to accept what I have to offer?

  If we get past this whole secret thing, will my lack of experience with hardship and loss prevent her from being able to open up to me? Prevent her from being herself?

  My chest is tightening, but my heart is pounding - there's no room for it to beat. I clench my fist against my stomach, afraid for her to wake. Yearning for her to wake. I'm out of breath. She is so innocent. And beautiful. I can't hurt her. But it's inevitable. I'm imperfect. She doesn't deserve me, she deserves perfect. Yet there is no one perfect enough for her. No one able to care for her the way I know I can care for her. I want so badly to take her in my arms right now and rescue her from her loss and her sadness and... and this life. But I am human. And I do not know how to do that. I do not know how to save her from this imperfect world.

  51

  Cali

  A butterfly lands on my cheek. Its wing is missing a piece, but it flutters in spite of its handicap. And it's more beautiful because of it.

  Though the butterfly disappears, I still feel its wing brush my face. Then it speaks.

  "Calista," I hear it whisper. its breath as soft as its touch.

  "Calista," I hear again. Stronger. Deeper. More urgent.

  "Calista," he calls again. "Wake up. Your mom's home. Calista."

  Griffin is in front of me. Leaning over me. "Griffin." My eyes flicker before he comes into focus. "Oh." I sit up and rub my eyes. "How long were you...?” I look at the clock on my nightstand. "Oh my God, it's after ten. Were you here since...? I mean, dinner. I'm so..."

  He rests his hand on my arm. "Cal. It's fine. You needed the sleep. Your mom is home. I heard her come in."

  I shake my head, rub my eyes again, and try to get my bearings.

  "I didn't know if you wanted to go see her or anything."

  "Oh. Yeah, yeah. I should. Did you eat?"

  Running a hand through his hair, Griffin says, "Yeah, I did. After I realized you weren't waking up, I went in the kitchen and ate the wings I bought. There's a burger and fries on top of your stove, but they're cold now."

  "I'm sorry, Griffin. I wanted..."

  "Stop. You want to go see how your mom is doing? I can stay here." He's leaning up against the wall, his feet stretched out in front of him on the bed, looking relaxed. Yet the way he is fiddling with his fingers, I'm sensing he's nervous.

  "You okay?"

  "I'm fine. I just don't want your mother coming in here again while I'm in your bed. I want to leave, but I'm afraid that'll look worse, so..."

  "So you want me to go out to her? So she won't come in here?" I smile. Griffin is afraid of making a bad impression on my mom. "Griffin. My mother won't mind."

  He tosses his head back against the wall. "Your call, Calista," he says, irritated. His eyes close and he takes a deep breath.

  I slide back down on the bed and rest my head on Griffin's lap. "You changed the record," I remark, after it finally dawns on me that I was not listening to Van Halen's 1984 before I fell asleep.

  His finger outlines the perimeters of my face. "Yeah. I love this album. I can't believe you have it. It's the last one with David Lee Roth singing."

  My eyes are closed as I enjoy Griffin's touch. "It's my dad's. Mom hates it. She says they were better when Sammy Hagar started singing with them."

  "Like I told you, I agree," he says, his finger pausing for effect, “but you can’t tell anyone.” He winks.

  "I don’t know. Many guys don’t feel that way, I may just have to shout it to the world… y’know, to add another player to the Hagar team."

  He gently yanks a chunk of my hair.

  "Ouch," I say, laughing, because it really doesn't hurt.

  "Calista?" My mother pushes open my door.

  I sit up. So does Griffin.

  Mom walks around the bed, lifts the needle from the turntable, shuts off the player, and sits at the edge of my bed. "You okay?" she asks, taking my hand.

  "I'm okay, Mom. You?"

  We stare at each other for a few seconds, then I lean in to hug her. She takes me in her arms. My heart hurts for her. It hurts for me too, but mostly for her. And my dad, of course.

  "Cali?" My mother pulls away and sets her hands on her lap. She takes a really deep breath. I mean, she's closing her eyes and not letting out her breath for like a whole minute. "I have to tell you something," she says in her exhale.

  52

  Griffin

  No.

  No. No. No. Not now. Please. Not now. She can't be doing this right now. Not tonight.

  Cali is tilting her head and biting her lip as her hand clutches the pillow she just brought around from behind her and placed on her lap.

  "Well. I don't know how to say this," Ellie starts.

  My whole insides start to burn. "Um," I say, "Maybe I should go?" I say in the form of a question, my eyes boring into Ellie's when she looks my way.

  "No, Griffin." She turns her head and looks at Cali, but says to me, "You should stay."

  I want to vomit. I am so not ready for this. Wouldn't it be better for her mother to tell her on her own? Without me present? Then she could at least run to me. Now who will she run to when she finds out we both betrayed her trust?

  During my rumination, I hadn't realized Ellie had already begun speaking.

  "Wait. What?" I unintentionally blurt out loud.

  Both of them look at me like I grew a second head.

  "I'm sorry. I must've missed what you were saying," I apologize.

  Ellie's shoulders drop. "No. I'm sure you heard it right. There's no money for a burial for Bill."

  I let out a sigh of relief at the same time my heart drops at the thought of someone not having enough money to bury their husband.

  "Oh. Mrs. Parker," I say without thought. "I can help with that."

  I get that same two-headed look again from them. Cali looks at me like I should know better than to offer money like that, and Ellie is looking at me like I should be shot for offering.

  "I'm sorry. I just wanted to help," I say more to Cali, taking her hand and covering it with both of mine.

  "Oh," Ellie says scornfully, clawing at me with her eyes, "you want to help, do you?"

  "Mom," Cali scolds. "What's the matter with you?"

  Ellie hasn't removed her eyes from mine, though my eyes dart back and forth from Cali's to hers. No. She can't be doing this right now.

  "I hate you for making me do this," Ellie says to me.

  "Mom. Stop," Cali shouts.

  "Ellie. No. Please," I demand.

  "Ellie?" Cali asks me, confused. Wondering why suddenly I'm calling her mother by her first name.

  "You started this, Griffin."

  "Mother. Please stop talking to him like that. He was only trying to help. We don't need to take his money. He understands."

  Now Ellie looks at her daughter. "It's not about the money, Calista. It's about the fact that you're boyfriend here happens to be..." she inhales, looks at me, then exhales, "your step-brother.”

  53

  Cali

  It takes a moment for my mother's words to register.

  But when they do, I don't understand.

  "What?"

  Griffin wraps his arms around me. "Calista. Come with me outside."

  "No, Griffin. She stays here. You wanted me to tell her. I'm telling her."

  I pull away from Griffin and stand from my bed. "What the hell are you talking about, Mom?"

  Griffin scoots off the bed and stands facing me, his hands on my shoulder. "Take a breath, Calista, and we'll explain. Please."

  I shake my head at Griffin, shrug away, and look at my mother. "Mom?"

  But she's staring at Griffin.

  "Ellie. I didn't mean for you to do this today. I only wanted her to know. I was going to wait for you to tell..."

  "Well I'm telling her now." My mother is terribly mad at Griffin, but I'm not getting why.
/>
  "Will someone tell me what's going on?" I scream. "Griffin? What is she talking about? My step-brother? What?"

  "Cal..." Griffin starts to speak, but Mom cuts him short.

  "I have a son," she says quickly.

  I look at Griffin... horrified. "A... a..." Covering my mouth with one hand, my other hand trembles as I lift my finger to point at him.

  "No. No, Cal. No. It's not me. No." Griffin steps toward me, but I back away, still covering my mouth, but now clenching my trembling hand. "It's my brother. My brother," his voice trails off.

  I snap my head in my mother's direction. "What?"

  She sighs and plunks down on the bed. "Before I met your father... I gave birth to a baby boy," she says regretfully. "I... I couldn't afford to keep him, so... so I gave him up for adoption. The father... of the boy. He adopted him."

  Shaking my head, I want to speak, but I can't.

  Griffin's backing away, his eyes closed and his hand yanking at his hair.

  "Um, Nathan Junior is twenty-three years old, and I uh, work for him at Donavon's," my mother sighs, guilt tears running down her face.

  Donavon's? My chin trembles. I grab my chest and then the wall, because my knees jut out from weakness. A whimper escapes and I feel my eyes water. My lungs constrict and I can't breathe. "Wa..Wait a minu..minute," I stammer. "Donavon's?" To Griffin, I breathe out the words, "Your brother's restaurant?"

  Closing his eyes, he nods once, hanging his head low.

  Griffin's betrayed me.

  I look back at my mother - so has she.

  As if the heaviness of today were not enough to crush my heart, the two people I trusted in the world to take care of it have made it bleed.

  I clutch my stomach with both arms and fall back against the window, knocking over my dead plant and sliding to the floor.

  "Cali," Griffin exclaims, rushing to pull me up.

  Shoving him away, I scamper to pick up the tumped-over plant, scooping up as much of the dirt as possible and pushing it back into the pot. My tears watering the thirsty dirt - the first drink it's had since shortly after my mother bought it for me.