Meeting Mr Write

by Cassandra P Lewis

  As we approach the bay, a man standing on the shoreline takes my eye; I squint and laugh, “Jeez I thought that was Rafe then”

  Pippa doesn’t react with much more than a smile and as we speed closer I squint harder, “Pippa seriously look, that looks like Rafe” she smiles a knowing smile at me and I look once again at the man, my stomach flips over as I realise that my brother is standing on sand waiting for me, just when I need him, he’s here,

  “You took your bloody time!” he calls as the boat pulls up to the beach and I can’t contain myself, I leap from the front of the boat into my big brother’s waiting arms and sob as he spins me around on the beach, “Hey you’ll wash my sun oil off, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I’ve just never been so happy to see you” I smile and smack him on the chest “What are you doing here?”

  “Oh charming!” Rafe laughs and lightly pushes my shoulder; I turn to see Matthew lifting our bags and Pippa off the boat and onto the sand,

  “Matthew” there’s the tears again and I hug him tightly, I’m so pleased to see them both

  “We thought we’d surprise you Ginge, didn’t want you girls having all the fun” I notice that they already look quite tanned,

  “How long have you been here?”

  “Three days babe” Rafe has come to carry my bag and starts to walk up the sand, I can’t help but wish that I had been here with them for the last three days instead of chasing around after a man who warned me that he’d hurt me and did just that.

  We check into our accommodation and head straight out onto the sand, Rafe and Matthew have already found the prime sunbathing spot and I can’t wait to lay in the sun and do nothing, Rafe has other ideas,

  “Come for a swim sis, the sea is so warm and clear it’s like a massive salty bath, with fish” he smiles and drags me by the hand toward the water, I am just so happy to be near him that I’ll go wherever he wants. After about half an hour in the sea Rafe and I head back to the sand, while the three of them get settled for tanning I decide to work on my book. It flows out of me and before I know it a good couple of hours have passed and I have seven chapters.

  “Alright sis?” a sleepy sounding Rafe sits up next to me,

  “Yeah I’m great, the book is coming along, finally” I smile, click save and close the laptop.

  “That’s great, but you seem like you’re holding something back from me RoRo, what’s going on?” he smacks Matthew on the backside and tells him to turn over and I know I can’t hide anything from my brother. I proceed to tell him everything about Jackson, the whole story from start to finish, by the end of it I am ready for a drink but it feels good to talk to Rafe, he’s always been the voice of reason in my life, although he doesn’t look particularly reasonable right now,

  “I’ll kill him sis!” Rafe is looking at me with a look that I’ve seen many times before, I saw it on my wedding day, and the day I told him my college boyfriend had cheated on me, and the day he found out I had lost my virginity

  “Rafe, it’s not all his fault, he warned me he wouldn’t commit” I try to take some of the blame,

  “Then he should have stayed away Rosie, you’re not a fun and run kind of girl and from the sound of it you were clear with him about that. I’ll kill him” Rafe shakes his head and I can hear his anger in his voice. Rafe is not someone that I would describe as having a temper these days, but he is protective of the people close to him, and he can be dangerous when he loses it. Rafe was a brawler when he was younger; I guess it was a way of dealing with his confusion over being gay. He learnt to channel it by studying Muay Thai or Thai boxing as some people call it, and it taught him a lot of discipline, but it also made him a more powerful, more skilful fighter and someone not to be crossed,

  “Rafael that's enough!” I give him my serious sister look “Jackson fucked up yes, but it doesn’t matter and it will not put a dampener on my time here with you three, so drop it!” I feel good; I’ve gotten it all off my chest and told my brother off “Right, I need a drink, cocktails?” Rafe smiles and Matthew and Pippa sit up and match him

  “Hell yes!” Pippa, as usual leads the charge toward the nearest bar. This could end up being the best nine days of my life.

  Since we arrived on Phi Phi I feel like the tension has completely disappeared, Ao Nang was great, but I spent nine days there and pretty much all of it was focused on Jackson James, here all I have to focus on is reapplying sun cream and which cocktail to choose. Having Rafe, Matthew and Pippa here is amazing, I have laughed until its hurt more times than I can remember over the past three days and my book actually resembles a novel.

  “Ginge, the time is now. Come on” Matthew is standing over me on the beach and pulls on a t-shirt.

  “Matty you cannot be serious it’s sweltering” Matthew and I had agreed two nights ago to climb up to the viewpoint from where you can look out over the whole island, but I was extremely drunk at the time and it’s so hot that I really don’t fancy climbing a bloody mountain right now,

  “Shut it wench, come on, on your feet!” he holds his hand out and pulls me up to standing, I pull my fisherman trousers and a vest on and we set off down the beach.

  The climb is unbelievable, it’s incredibly steep and the heat is beyond belief. To top it off I have just been bitten by the biggest mosquito that I have ever seen! We reach the top after about half an hour and Matthew was right, it is so worth it. It’s like looking at a postcard from up here and the view temporarily stuns me.

  “Rosie, thank you for this, I wanted to share this with you” I’m shocked, Matthew is like another brother to me but he’s not normally so sentimental, I look into his piercing blue eyes and smile but he must be able to see the confusion and continues “It’s just that in the time that I’ve known you we’ve grown close, and I think of you as the little sister that I never had, but after what Michael did to you and how you’ve hurt in the time since, I feel like I let you down” I am stunned by his admission and tears prick my eyes, how can he possibly think that way, I adore him.

  “Matthew, I love you so much I can’t even say. You have nothing to regret or apologise for. Michael fucked up big time but you have been amazing. And the smile you put on my brother’s face makes my day every time I see it!” Matthew smiles and looks down at his feet

  “Sit with me a minute will you Rosie, I need to talk to you about something” It sounds serious and I’m worried but sit as he has asked, “You and Rafe are so close, it warms my heart to see you together. I love him, you know that. I never thought that I would find a love like this and I never want to lose him. I’ve spoken to your parents” I look at him and my heart skips a beat, I think I know what’s coming and my emotions begin to well “Your parents gave me their blessing and now I have to ask for yours. I want to grow old with Rafe Rosie, I want to ask him to marry me, but I need to know you’re ok with it first?”

  I cannot hold back the tears and my happiness “YES Matthew, yes of course” I yell and hug him tightly, there’s applause from the surrounding tourists who think it’s me that’s been proposed to and Matthew and I giggle quietly while both wiping away a stray tear or two,

  “Are you sure? I never want to jeopardise your relationship with Rafe” he is holding my hands and is completely serious, I smile at him and shake my head,

  “Matthew, you enhance it, I couldn’t be happier”.

  I mean it, I couldn’t, I’ve seen Rafe heartbroken when boyfriends have cheated, I’ve seen him used by men who have promised to leave their wives for him when really he is just a bit of fun and I’ve see him be the one to do the using, but since he met Matthew at mine and Michael’s engagement party I have seen a change in my brother. I had known Matthew for eighteen months then so I knew that he was gay and that he was single and of course I thought he’d be perfect for Rafe. Matthew is six foot two with the most amazing blue eyes I have ever seen, he is blonde and has a fantastic body, but given that he is a personal trainer that comes as no surprise. To say
that he just a personal trainer though sells him short, he owns a company that specialises in personal one to one training up and down the country, they also run residential boot camps, martial arts classes and specially designed workout programmes for their celebrity and wealthy clientele.

  When I introduced Matthew to Rafe at the party I knew that their love of sport and martial arts would give them something to talk about and that maybe they would go out of a few dates here or there, but I had no idea that they would fall so deeply in love that I would be asked for my blessing on a marriage. Memories of the way that Rafe’s chocolate brown eyes sparkle when he talks about Matthew, and the way he smiles when he hears his voice come into my mind on the walk back down toward the beach, and I cannot rid my face of it’s stupid childlike grin, an elbow to the ribs from Matthew as we approach the tanning twins sorts that out for me though, and I resume my poker face, on the outside at least. Inside, I’m so incredibly happy.

  Chapter Twenty Eight

  I’m a complete wreck, Pippa wouldn’t let me anywhere near Rosie to apologise and not seeing or speaking to her has made me realise what I have lost. Stupidly I believed that falling in love was a choice, and I had made mine long ago that I never would, but now I know that it’s not, it’s irrational and despite my best efforts to ignore it, it has grabbed me by the balls and will not let go.

  When I was young I had all the makings of a hopeless romantic, I used to let my imagination run wild as I wrote fairy tales of princes and princesses, and happily ever afters. My parents were so in love and I used to think all adults were like that, but I grew to realise just how special their love was. Dad used to come in after a long day at work, he’d walk into the kitchen where Mum would be preparing dinner, I would usually be doing homework or writing at the dining table and he would wink at me then spin her around and pull her in close to him. She would look up at him like she had missed him so much that it hurt and he would dip her back and kiss her as though they were in some classic Hollywood love story. I used to watch my parents and hope that I would have a love like theirs when I was older; I had that chance with Rosie but I blew it, all because of fear.

  When Mum got sick I saw my Dad cry for the first time. By the time they diagnosed her breast cancer there was nothing that they could do for her, apart from make her as comfortable as possible. We kept her at home and cared for her ourselves with the help of the nurses and doctors that came in daily, I was just seventeen. My Dad hardly left her side for the whole time, neglecting his own needs to just sit and hold her hand, reassuring her that he and I were going to be ok.

  From the day of her diagnosis we only had six weeks to say goodbye, I felt robbed. My Dad was a shadow of his former self in the months that passed and I became extremely angry at the world. I started to drink a lot and sleep around, thinking that the momentary highs would drown out the lows but they didn’t, as my eighteenth birthday approached and my university place beckoned my Dad became concerned that I was going to throw it all away. The two of us went away together, to a cabin in mid Wales. We fished and drank beer, talked about films we liked and tried to re-establish our relationship, Dad tried to talk about Mum and I blocked him out, it was too painful but after a while my Dad became angry and it was directed at me,

  “Jackson, she was and still is your Mother and she adored you, don’t you dare block her out like she never existed” I was shocked, that wasn’t what I was trying to do it just hurt to talk about her, and I never wanted to see my Dad cry again, “it’s painful son, we love her so very much, but we’ll get through it” I could feel the burn in my throat as the tears welled in my eyes and I couldn’t understand how he remained so composed, he placed a strong hand on my shoulder and the tears fell, unashamedly I sobbed “you have to let it out JJ. I have never felt pain like I am feeling now, but let me tell you something Jackson, I thank God every day for the twenty years that I had with your mother, I don’t feel anger for the years that lay ahead without her, I was lucky”

  His words struck a chord with me, I wish I could have felt the same way and was so proud to call him my Dad at that moment and every one since, but I didn’t share his positivity. I painted on a brave face and vowed never to let him see my anger at her death again, but that was the day that I made the decision to stay single. I didn’t want to fall in love and lose that person, and I never wanted children just to leave them in the end. I knew it was irrational but it was my decision and it was the only thing that I would ever commit to.

  I make a conscious effort not to think too much about my Mum’s death, I know if I over analyse I will realise how stupid I have been and how disappointed she would be, so instead I focus on doing things that she could be proud of, my writing is one of those things but I’m not able to concentrate on my book at all at the moment. I’ve lost my train of thought and my vision for it, I can’t go anywhere here without seeing Rosie in my mind and it breaks me every time. I have to try and clear my mind so I open up my online blog.

  I have been blogging my trips for years and it’s a great way to end a day, Rosie has been mentioned in other blogs since I got to Krabi, but only passing comments about karaoke bars and snorkel trips. I haven’t written anything for days but need to get things off my chest.

  Jackson’s Blog – Thailand

  Day Fifteen 15th November 2012

  Well I’m leaving Krabi for Chiang Mai today, I’ve been trying to contacts Rosie for four days now but her phone is constantly switched off. I’m such a moron; I had a good thing and blew it because of my own stupid principles. Part of me is hoping that she will somehow see this and realise how sorry I am. Rosie if you do, please call me back/

  I miss her company terribly, I can’t focus on writing my book and even considered getting a boat to Phi Phi and trying to find her but I figure she needs space, regardless of how much it’s killing me. I had no idea that I could feel this way about someone, she wowed me completely and I just feel sick at the thought that I’ve pushed her away for good. She’s been hurt before, so why would she let me back in and trust me not to hurt her again.

  I’m not going to blog again until I get to Chiang Mai, and I’ll try to make it about Chiang Mai instead of the girl I’m in love with…

  Seeing the words on screen make me realise that I am hopelessly in love with Rosie. I can’t upload this blog, for a start my readers would lynch me! So I close the site and open Facebook. I haven’t tried to find Rosie on there until now, I don’t know if she even has an account but I have to try and look for her, if she does maybe she’ll check it while she’s on Phi Phi, if I send her a message, she might just understand.

  I type her name in to the search box and then there she is, Rosie P Alvez, her red hair and green eyes pull me in and make my heart ache,

  I feel crushed at the sight of her standing at the Phi Phi view point with her arms wrapped tightly around the waist of some bloke, him kissing her on the top of her head. She looks happy and that’s the worst part, I can’t blame her for moving on, but I wish it was me making her smile like that and not the Aryan that she’s holding on to. I decide against sending her a message, it’ll just be a holiday fling. I will make contact with her once she’s back in London, she can’t keep her phone switched off forever.

  Chapter Twenty Nine

  On the flight home, Pip and I decide to use my laptop to look through all of the photos that she has taken while we were in Thailand, being the great friend that she is, she’s already taken any of Jackson out and saved them in a separate folder, just in case.

  We laugh as we look through our drunken nights out and reminisce at the pictures of the kids at the nursery, Annie & Steve and the trips that we’ve been on. We get to the photos from Phi Phi, the ones that Matthew and I took at the viewpoint and then the ones that Pip took when she visited after seeing ours, hers are incredible, but mine take me back to one of the happiest moments of my life. Pippa clicks next and we both smile, we look at each other, both with tears in our eyes as we flick th
rough photos of Matthew’s proposal. He got down on one knee on the beach during an already amazing evening, he cooked us a barbeque on the sand and brought out a bottle of champagne, he held Rafe’s hand and spoke such heartfelt words that we were all in tears Rafe included, seeing my big brother cry is something that I’ve never seen or ever thought I would. Pip clicks next again and it’s a video. While she had taken the photographs I had filmed the moment for my parents. Pip clicks play,

  “I’d like to say a few words” Matthew is pouring us all a glass of champagne and I can see how nervous he was now, although I didn’t notice at the time,

  “Oh here we go, my public speaker” Rafe teases him, obviously not knowing what’s coming, Matthew clears his throat and hands Rafe his glass before lowering to one knee on the sand. My brother is lost for words and even in the dim light of the setting sun the tears in his eyes are clear to see, Matthew clears his throat and starts to speak,

  “Rafael, there couldn’t be a more perfect place or moment to say these words to you. We’re in paradise with people that love us and I am honoured to be here with you. I want to grow old with you Rafe, I want to face whatever the future holds with you by my side and you would make me the happiest man in the world if you were to say yes. I love you, will you marry me?”

  Rafe doesn’t say a word before the tears start to fall and he drops to his knees to join Matthew, he cups his man’s face in his hands and looks into his eyes,

  “Yes, yes! I love you” his voice is weak as he answers, strained with emotion. They kiss and the sound of Pippa and I cheering and sobbing at the same time plays loud and clear through the laptop speakers as the video ends.